Thoughts on moving back after fresh start?

[Colleen27]

I moved out/paid my own way at 18, married at 21, bought a house at 23, and had a baby at 28. Someone in their early 20's still living with their parents and taking part time classes is a foreign concept to me.

How long ago? All these posts about being independent at 18, married at 21, etc. seem kind of, I don't know, old-fashioned or something. I married really young for my generation, at 22. Most of my friends didn't move out until they finished college, in their early-mid 20s, and the ones that got married didn't do so until their late 20s or early 30s.

Living with parents while taking classes part time is the only way to go for a lot of people unless they want to graduate with massive debt, because a young adult without a degree simply doesn't have the earning potential to shoulder 5-figure tuition bills and all the costs of an apartment, even with roommates. It is a practical choice, one that puts personal freedom and a certain amount of social status second to financial prudence. As life partner material, I'd be a lot happier with one of my kids choosing that guy than one who took on the kind of loans I saw some of my classmates taking to be "independent" and not have to live at home during school.

 

[NHdisneylover]

If the young man is fairly far into a degree program and his family moving would suddenly take away instate tuition or scholarship funds only available to in state people, he has been working at a reapsnable pace towards graduation and in good faith with the belief that he'll have in state tuition throughought, then I think it makes a lot of sense for the parents to attempt to stay put, if it is reaosnably possible to do so.

Beyond that, I don't really feel that it is the responsibility of parents to plan their careers/moves/etc around grown children. Espcailly by "early 20s" this is past the first year past highschool/transition time and well into the point that it is reaonsable for the adult child to figure out a way to live on his own if needed.

 

[dosekies]

How long ago? All these posts about being independent at 18, married at 21, etc. seem kind of, I don't know, old-fashioned or something. I married really young for my generation, at 22. Most of my friends didn't move out until they finished college, in their early-mid 20s, and the ones that got married didn't do so until their late 20s or early 30s.

Living with parents while taking classes part time is the only way to go for a lot of people unless they want to graduate with massive debt, because a young adult without a degree simply doesn't have the earning potential to shoulder 5-figure tuition bills and all the costs of an apartment, even with roommates. It is a practical choice, one that puts personal freedom and a certain amount of social status second to financial prudence. As life partner material, I'd be a lot happier with one of my kids choosing that guy than one who took on the kind of loans I saw some of my classmates taking to be "independent" and not have to live at home during school.

I wish I could like this a million times

 

[sam_gordon]

At 20 I was still in school, working part time. But by 25 I was married and we just bought our own home.

So? My question still stands... does the BF's age change the advice you'd give him? If he's 20 do you tell him to go live with his dad? If he's 25 he should stay?

How long ago? All these posts about being independent at 18, married at 21, etc. seem kind of, I don't know, old-fashioned or something. I married really young for my generation, at 22. Most of my friends didn't move out until they finished college, in their early-mid 20s, and the ones that got married didn't do so until their late 20s or early 30s.

Living with parents while taking classes part time is the only way to go for a lot of people unless they want to graduate with massive debt, because a young adult without a degree simply doesn't have the earning potential to shoulder 5-figure tuition bills and all the costs of an apartment, even with roommates. It is a practical choice, one that puts personal freedom and a certain amount of social status second to financial prudence. As life partner material, I'd be a lot happier with one of my kids choosing that guy than one who took on the kind of loans I saw some of my classmates taking to be "independent" and not have to live at home during school.

The bottom line is we're talking about a 20-25 year old who wants(?) to stop his dad from doing what he wants to do. This is really a simple choice... either go where the dad goes and utilize his money or figure out someway to support yourself if you want to stay.

 

[smiths02]

I also think this is a question that someone who is not the dad or the mom can answer or even really advise. We don't really know their financial situation and their ties to "home."
How old are they? What savings do they have? Do they have a house they never sold in their "home" place that they could move back into easily? Do they own their house in the new place or rent? Could they sell the house easily in the new place (and make a nice profit)? Were they thinking about moving "home" in 5 or 10 years anyhow because they have aging parents they would want to take care of or is "home" where they want to retire?

All of those are really none of your business (and not really much of DDs or her boyfriend's business either)

 

[smiths02]

How long ago? All these posts about being independent at 18, married at 21, etc. seem kind of, I don't know, old-fashioned or something. I married really young for my generation, at 22. Most of my friends didn't move out until they finished college, in their early-mid 20s, and the ones that got married didn't do so until their late 20s or early 30s.

Living with parents while taking classes part time is the only way to go for a lot of people unless they want to graduate with massive debt, because a young adult without a degree simply doesn't have the earning potential to shoulder 5-figure tuition bills and all the costs of an apartment, even with roommates. It is a practical choice, one that puts personal freedom and a certain amount of social status second to financial prudence. As life partner material, I'd be a lot happier with one of my kids choosing that guy than one who took on the kind of loans I saw some of my classmates taking to be "independent" and not have to live at home during school.

I was 18 about 18 years ago.

I have no debt from my undergraduate degree and neither does my DH (his parents paid most of his, I had scholarships and grants for mine). By 19, I was living in an off campus apartment supported by my part-time job (with my fiance). I got married at 20, owned a house at 22, had a child just before 25. (He is 2 years older than me, so you can add that).


I know many people with no college education who support themselves (generally with roommates or renting a room) and who did so in their 20s.

ETA: Lots of people don't go to college at all and lots of people don't live with their parents until their 30. Granted, there are more who do finish college (it's about 30-40% now) and more who do live with their parents for a long time (again, about 30%), but it still isn't everyone.

 

[NHdisneylover]

So? My question still stands... does the BF's age change the advice you'd give him? If he's 20 do you tell him to go live with his dad? If he's 25 he should stay?
.

I think it makes a pretty big difference.

Most 20 year olds will still be working on a bachelor's degree--even having taken no gap year and having taken a full coarse load. This makes someone less able to be fully independent in today's society. Tuition is HIGH and often in state/out of state is tied almost entirely to where parents live. Even a student who wants to be financially independent will have their parents' location and income taken into account when tuition, financial aid, etc are calculated.
it is reaonable to take into consideration not changing the ability of a diligent student who got right to working on gaining the independece a degree will provide to pay for tuition or have low cost(free?) housing at home while doing so, etc

By 25, a student who got right to work ought to have finished a bachelor's. Heck, that leaves time (even if it is a 5 year long bachelor's) for a year or two of grad school or full time work after graduation to be under their belt. Maybe not everyone has gotten there yet, but it is likely the person COULD have (or could have worked and saved money/built experience/etc) and I think by 22-23 (4-5 years after HS graduation), parents really shouod no longer have responsibiliy to consider their adult child's situation when making decision about their own employment, living spaces, etc. By that point, if the adult child is not yet degreed and in the working world, that is due to decisions by the "child" and not just limits on how quickly degrees can be earned, etc.

 

[mjkacmom]

Congratulations, but, obviously, this person is still living at home and attending college part time. As is the OP's daughter.

Not everyone gives their bedroom away at 21. I was 23 when I "gave" mine away, by moving all of my stuff out.

My son is currently living at home, attending college. Seems silly to throw money away on an apartment for him to live in, when his room is here. He is attending the local university and we live about 15 minutes away.

The student in the OP has to decide what he wants to do. Possibly move with his parents or stay in the same town as his girlfriend.

And I gave mine away at 22 (to no one). I came home after college and moved out 6 months later, because once you go away to school, it's weird to come back (and my parents were great, treated me like the adult I was). I just think that as an adult, this young man is attending college and has a job, it would be odd for him to leave that behind to live with his parents.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

How long ago? All these posts about being independent at 18, married at 21, etc. seem kind of, I don't know, old-fashioned or something. I married really young for my generation, at 22. Most of my friends didn't move out until they finished college, in their early-mid 20s, and the ones that got married didn't do so until their late 20s or early 30s.

Living with parents while taking classes part time is the only way to go for a lot of people unless they want to graduate with massive debt, because a young adult without a degree simply doesn't have the earning potential to shoulder 5-figure tuition bills and all the costs of an apartment, even with roommates. It is a practical choice, one that puts personal freedom and a certain amount of social status second to financial prudence. As life partner material, I'd be a lot happier with one of my kids choosing that guy than one who took on the kind of loans I saw some of my classmates taking to be "independent" and not have to live at home during school.

I'm in my early 30's, it wasn't that long ago.

I know it doesn't fit the millenial narrative of high debt +useless degree+ low wages , but I worked 2 or 3 jobs at a time in college. I earned an associates degree and took my first job at a place that offered loan repayment and free tuition to finish my bachelor's and master's as benefits. I ended up with less than $20k in student loans. I made 6 figures just 2 years out of school with my associates degree. Not everyone who moves out at 18 takes on large amounts of debt and gets a $30k job.

That said, the guy living with his parents to save money doesn't bother me as much as him getting upset with his dad over considering a move. It's his dad's life and career. It was nice of mom and dad to let him stay there while the situation worked for everyone, but now it doesn't and he needs to adjust. The fact that he is trying to control what his dad does while also depending on him financially is very telling. I wouldn't want a relationship with someone so controlling and such a "woe is me" attitude. Real grown ups know that everything isn't about them and sometimes you have to choose between 2 less than ideal situations. In this case he either needs to move out and pay his own way to stay in his beloved city or move with his parents and deal with the fact that he isn't where he wants to be.

If I were the parents I'd kick him out for the ungrateful attitude he has.

 

[NHdisneylover]

And I gave mine away at 22 (to no one). I came home after college and moved out 6 months later, because once you go away to school, it's weird to come back (and my parents were great, treated me like the adult I was). I just think that as an adult, this young man is attending college and has a job, it would be odd for him to leave that behind to live with his parents.

My oldest, poor kid, had no choice to give theirs away. They are attending uni in teh US; we live in Germany. We had the oppurtunity to buy exactly what/where we want to be our "forever" empty nest home---so we jumped at it. So there is my 20 year old off at school and we don't have a spare bedroom to offer them anymore. They worked on campus and lived there this summer. At Christmas we'll make due with some hotels and some sleeping on the couch. Next summer? They hope to maybe stay the summer over here again---it will have to be a patchwork of sleeping on the sofa, travelling, working at camos which provide lodiging, etc.

I would have liked to keep a place for them at least through undergrad---but it made no sense to spend literally tens of thousands more for a less desirebale home, just to provide a room for a summer or two

 

[sam_gordon]

I think it makes a pretty big difference.

Most 20 year olds will still be working on a bachelor's degree--even having taken no gap year and having taken a full coarse load. This makes someone less able to be fully independent in today's society. Tuition is HIGH and often in state/out of state is tied almost entirely to where parents live. Even a student who wants to be financially independent will have their parents' location and income taken into account when tuition, financial aid, etc are calculated.
it is reaonable to take into consideration not changing the ability of a diligent student who got right to working on gaining the independece a degree will provide to pay for tuition or have low cost(free?) housing at home while doing so, etc

By 25, a student who got right to work ought to have finished a bachelor's. Heck, that leaves time (even if it is a 5 year long bachelor's) for a year or two of grad school or full time work after graduation to be under their belt. Maybe not everyone has gotten there yet, but it is likely the person COULD have (or could have worked and saved money/built experience/etc) and I think by 22-23 (4-5 years after HS graduation), parents really shouod no longer have responsibiliy to consider their adult child's situation when making decision about their own employment, living spaces, etc. By that point, if the adult child is not yet degreed and in the working world, that is due to decisions by the "child" and not just limits on how quickly degrees can be earned, etc.

I agree the situation is different, but does it change the advice you'd give the boy? At 20, being independent would be more difficult than at 25 but it can still be done.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I agree the situation is different, but does it change the advice you'd give the boy? At 20, being independent would be more difficult than at 25 but it can still be done.

yes, it very likely would change my advice. For many reasons, including that by 25 the boy would be much more likely ot be able to maintain in state tuition (or get it back soon) and get a decent lease with a co signer, etc than he would be at 20.

 

[ronandannette]

I think it makes a pretty big difference.

Most 20 year olds will still be working on a bachelor's degree--even having taken no gap year and having taken a full coarse load. This makes someone less able to be fully independent in today's society. Tuition is HIGH and often in state/out of state is tied almost entirely to where parents live. Even a student who wants to be financially independent will have their parents' location and income taken into account when tuition, financial aid, etc are calculated.
it is reaonable to take into consideration not changing the ability of a diligent student who got right to working on gaining the independece a degree will provide to pay for tuition or have low cost(free?) housing at home while doing so, etc

By 25, a student who got right to work ought to have finished a bachelor's. Heck, that leaves time (even if it is a 5 year long bachelor's) for a year or two of grad school or full time work after graduation to be under their belt. Maybe not everyone has gotten there yet, but it is likely the person COULD have (or could have worked and saved money/built experience/etc) and I think by 22-23 (4-5 years after HS graduation), parents really shouod no longer have responsibiliy to consider their adult child's situation when making decision about their own employment, living spaces, etc. By that point, if the adult child is not yet degreed and in the working world, that is due to decisions by the "child" and not just limits on how quickly degrees can be earned, etc.

Your points are reasonable, for the situation you're describing. But the OP did not emphasize the same points in her post. She didn't mention much at all about the schooling, except to say that both her DD and the BF are taking classes part-time. The also both have full-time jobs. That, to me, either means they have both made that choice to have quite a bit of disposable income (neither apparently are supporting themselves) or they are working in order to pay their tuition without loans or help from parents.

I'd suspect if that latter were the case, the OP would have mentioned a bigger concern about the disruption to the BF's education. She didn't. She emphasized instead how upset her DD was and how the situation was "unfair" (her word). I'm left thinking it's more about the the young people potentially being separated than anything else. And as practically everybody else has said, BF is a grown man who can stay near his GF and "adult" now, if he so chooses.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Your points are reasonable, for the situation you're describing. But the OP did not emphasize the same points in her post. She didn't mention much at all about the schooling, except to say that both her DD and the BF are taking classes part-time. The also both have full-time jobs. That, to me, either means they have both made that choice to have quite a bit of disposable income (neither apparently are supporting themselves) or they are working in order to pay their tuition without loans or help from parents.

I'd suspect if that latter were the case, the OP would have mentioned a bigger concern about the disruption to the BF's education. She didn't. She emphasized instead how upset her DD was and how the situation was "unfair" (her word). I'm left thinking it's more about the the young people potentially being separated than anything else. And as practically everybody else has said, BF is a grown man who can stay near his GF and "adult" now, if he so chooses.

Makes sense--but I was addressing the question about would 20 or 25 really make a difference--to me it makes quite a bit of difference ofr many reasons.

 

[ronandannette]

Makes sense--but I was addressing the question about would 20 or 25 really make a difference--to me it makes quite a bit of difference ofr many reasons.

I see what you were doing. In the OP's situation, with what little we know about it, I don't think it matters though. Except maybe I'd wonder why a 25 y.o. Who was fully employed was still living with his parents at all.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I see what you were doing. In the OP's situation, with what little we know about it, I don't think it matters though. Except maybe I'd wonder why a 25 y.o. Who was fully employed was still living with his parents at all.

that in and of itself----if everyone is comfortable with the situation and it lets the yougner person save money, wouldn't phawe me (though it is much more common, I think, where i live for otherwise independent peopel to do that)---but yeah, if he is then tied to their deicsions to the extent that he doesn't know what t o do if htey move, yeah, seems there is a fairly big amoutn of dependence there for a 25 year old.
The OP situtation seems odd to me in several ways--that included

 

[QueenIsabella]

How long ago? All these posts about being independent at 18, married at 21, etc. seem kind of, I don't know, old-fashioned or something. I married really young for my generation, at 22. Most of my friends didn't move out until they finished college, in their early-mid 20s, and the ones that got married didn't do so until their late 20s or early 30s.

Living with parents while taking classes part time is the only way to go for a lot of people unless they want to graduate with massive debt, because a young adult without a degree simply doesn't have the earning potential to shoulder 5-figure tuition bills and all the costs of an apartment, even with roommates. It is a practical choice, one that puts personal freedom and a certain amount of social status second to financial prudence. As life partner material, I'd be a lot happier with one of my kids choosing that guy than one who took on the kind of loans I saw some of my classmates taking to be "independent" and not have to live at home during school.

Well, I graduated and moved 200 miles away from my parents at age 21 (mid-80's). I was married and owned a house at age 23. My oldest is 22--she officially gave away her room (DS11 was thrilled!), has a job, an apartment, a college degree. Although she's still on our cell phone plan and insurance, I consider her to be independent. She might be more mature and independent than average, but I wouldn't say much more--I would expect most college graduates to have full-time jobs, even if not directly on their career path. Certainly by 25 or so, a young adult should be making his/her own way, barring special circumstances.

 

[dosekies]

Man, this makes me want to call my mom and dad to tell them how much I love them.

I just moved out for the first time and they didn't want me to! They sat me down multiple times to run the numbers and make sure it would work. Even then, at 24, they never once pushed me to move out or even mentioned it because they wanted me to pay off as much of my student loans as I could. They did the same thing when I told them I wanted to by my own car instead of continuing to use their extra one. Heck, they still come over and bring me their dinner leftovers and giant things of Costco toilet paper because they miss me!

 

[BLAZEY]

So? My question still stands... does the BF's age change the advice you'd give him? If he's 20 do you tell him to go live with his dad? If he's 25 he should stay?


The bottom line is we're talking about a 20-25 year old who wants(?) to stop his dad from doing what he wants to do. This is really a simple choice... either go where the dad goes and utilize his money or figure out someway to support yourself if you want to stay.

Yes it makes a difference. At 20 most people doing a bachelors degree are still working on that and still somewhat dependent on their parents whether its financial or still living at home while going to school. By 25 he should be finished or close to it and more able to support himself.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Man, this makes me want to call my mom and dad to tell them how much I love them.

I just moved out for the first time and they didn't want me to! They sat me down multiple times to run the numbers and make sure it would work. Even then, at 24, they never once pushed me to move out or even mentioned it because they wanted me to pay off as much of my student loans as I could. They did the same thing when I told them I wanted to by my own car instead of continuing to use their extra one. Heck, they still come over and bring me their dinner leftovers and giant things of Costco toilet paper because they miss me!

I have a friend who, at the age of thirty, still went to his parents' house to pick up things like toilet paper and paper towels when he ran out instead of going to the store. Married man, four kids, high-paying job, big house, multiple cars... Still being supplied toilet paper by his parents. He was on a family cell phone plan with them and his adult, married sister, too. According to him, his parents just liked "helping." The truth, however, is that it was infantilizing, and was one of the many subtle ways his parents were encouraging continued dependence on them instead of accepting that their children were adults who could, and should, be taking care of themselves. It had never crossed my friend's mind that there was anything weird about a 30 year old man getting toilet paper from mom and dad, because sometimes being so close to the dysfunction and never having known anything else means you can't always see the dysfunctional dynamics at play.

My friends and I do plenty of nice things for each other (bring a coffee for the other person when we visit, pick up the dinner tab...) but we don't show up with unsolicited household supplies because we respect each other as capable adults who are perfectly able of keeping our homes stocked with basic needs. Make sure your parents are respecting you as the adult you are and not still treating you as a child, is what I'm saying.