Thoughts on moving back after fresh start?

[dosekies]

I have a friend who, at the age of thirty, still went to his parents' house to pick up things like toilet paper and paper towels when he ran out instead of going to the store. Married man, four kids, high-paying job, big house, multiple cars... Still being supplied toilet paper by his parents. He was on a family cell phone plan with them and his adult, married sister, too. According to him, his parents just liked "helping." The truth, however, is that it was infantilizing, and was one of the many subtle ways his parents were encouraging continued dependence on them instead of accepting that their children were adults who could, and should, be taking care of themselves. It had never crossed my friend's mind that there was anything weird about a 30 year old man getting toilet paper from mom and dad, because sometimes being so close to the dysfunction and never having known anything else means you can't always see the dysfunctional dynamics at play.

My friends and I do plenty of nice things for each other (bring a coffee for the other person when we visit, pick up the dinner tab...) but we don't show up with unsolicited household supplies because we respect each other as capable adults who are perfectly able of keeping our homes stocked with basic needs. Make sure your parents are respecting you as the adult you are and not still treating you as a child, is what I'm saying.

Oh no, it is nothing like that! At least I hope not. I've always been extremely independent and smart financially, so these are all things that I can and will do for myself when needed, but it is more of an 'I won't say no if they offer' kind of thing. Like my mom is at Costco and will say 'I'm getting toilet paper, want me to pick one up for you or no?' or the other day she texted me saying she made too much pulled pork because she is still used to cooking for me too and asked if I had already taken anything out for dinner, otherwise she would bring the leftovers over if I wanted. Now my fiance's parents on the other hand...they are the challenge I am currently working on because they will DEFINITELY be the family you described and I am making sure that does not happen!

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I have a friend who, at the age of thirty, still went to his parents' house to pick up things like toilet paper and paper towels when he ran out instead of going to the store. Married man, four kids, high-paying job, big house, multiple cars... Still being supplied toilet paper by his parents. He was on a family cell phone plan with them and his adult, married sister, too. According to him, his parents just liked "helping." The truth, however, is that it was infantilizing, and was one of the many subtle ways his parents were encouraging continued dependence on them instead of accepting that their children were adults who could, and should, be taking care of themselves. It had never crossed my friend's mind that there was anything weird about a 30 year old man getting toilet paper from mom and dad, because sometimes being so close to the dysfunction and never having known anything else means you can't always see the dysfunctional dynamics at play.

My friends and I do plenty of nice things for each other (bring a coffee for the other person when we visit, pick up the dinner tab...) but we don't show up with unsolicited household supplies because we respect each other as capable adults who are perfectly able of keeping our homes stocked with basic needs. Make sure your parents are respecting you as the adult you are and not still treating you as a child, is what I'm saying.

 

[mombrontrent]

Man, this makes me want to call my mom and dad to tell them how much I love them.

I just moved out for the first time and they didn't want me to! They sat me down multiple times to run the numbers and make sure it would work. Even then, at 24, they never once pushed me to move out or even mentioned it because they wanted me to pay off as much of my student loans as I could. They did the same thing when I told them I wanted to by my own car instead of continuing to use their extra one. Heck, they still come over and bring me their dinner leftovers and giant things of Costco toilet paper because they miss me!

That seems crazy to me! I know I was young but I moved out at the age of 17 with my 22 year old boyfriend (now husband). I had my first baby at 19, bought a house at 20, married and had baby number 2 at age 21. After I moved out of my parents house I never received a cent from them. Me and my Dh supported ourselves 100%, I feel like it made us more self sufficient and that if we had received help from our parent we might have relied on that support instead of doing it on our own.

That baby I had at age 19 is now 18 himself and is working on being out on his own in the next couple months. I might help him get started but I won't be helping him financially once he leaves the nest.

 

[dosekies]

That seems crazy to me! I know I was young but I moved out at the age of 17 with my 22 year old boyfriend (now husband). I had my first baby at 19, bought a house at 20, married and had baby number 2 at age 21. After I moved out of my parents house I never received a cent from them. Me and my Dh supported ourselves 100%, I feel like it made us more self sufficient and that if we had received help from our parent we might have relied on that support instead of doing it on our own.

That baby I had at age 19 is now 18 himself and is working on being out on his own in the next couple months. I might help him get started but I won't be helping him financially once he leaves the nest.

The thought of having 2 kids by now is crazy to me! Haha. My fiance has crazy baby fever and I'm just like uhhh yeah NO.

 

[BrinkofSunshine]

That seems crazy to me! I know I was young but I moved out at the age of 17 with my 22 year old boyfriend (now husband). I had my first baby at 19, bought a house at 20, married and had baby number 2 at age 21. After I moved out of my parents house I never received a cent from them. Me and my Dh supported ourselves 100%, I feel like it made us more self sufficient and that if we had received help from our parent we might have relied on that support instead of doing it on our own.

That baby I had at age 19 is now 18 himself and is working on being out on his own in the next couple months. I might help him get started but I won't be helping him financially once he leaves the nest.

I think being married/having kids young is just less and less common these days. Personally I live in a high COL, low wage city where almost everyone I know who is around my age (mid-20's) lives either at home or with roommates. None of my friends seem to want kids (or even marriage) at the moment. A lot of them are purely focused on finishing school or starting their careers.

 

[mjkacmom]

That seems crazy to me! I know I was young but I moved out at the age of 17 with my 22 year old boyfriend (now husband). I had my first baby at 19, bought a house at 20, married and had baby number 2 at age 21. After I moved out of my parents house I never received a cent from them. Me and my Dh supported ourselves 100%, I feel like it made us more self sufficient and that if we had received help from our parent we might have relied on that support instead of doing it on our own.

That baby I had at age 19 is now 18 himself and is working on being out on his own in the next couple months. I might help him get started but I won't be helping him financially once he leaves the nest.

It just depends. I don't know anyone without a college degree, or any high school graduate not going to college. I assumed dd21 would come home and save money to pay back loans, but she ended up with a great job offer by her college, so she's staying out. Most people in my family also have post graduate degrees (luckily DH's company paid for his MBA). My mom married at 22, has her first child at 23, and advised us to make sure we live on our own before marriage, which my sister and I did, and it was the best advice (I was dating DH all 5 of those years, so the best of both worlds).

I assume some of my kids will come back a bit after college.

 

[robinb]

That seems crazy to me! I know I was young but I moved out at the age of 17 with my 22 year old boyfriend (now husband). I had my first baby at 19, bought a house at 20, married and had baby number 2 at age 21. After I moved out of my parents house I never received a cent from them. Me and my Dh supported ourselves 100%, I feel like it made us more self sufficient and that if we had received help from our parent we might have relied on that support instead of doing it on our own.

That baby I had at age 19 is now 18 himself and is working on being out on his own in the next couple months. I might help him get started but I won't be helping him financially once he leaves the nest.

That's all well and good, but you and your DH are the exception in buying a home at 20 and 25. Back in 1999 the median age for a first time home buyer was 33.3. It's nice that you and your DH were successful and were able to marry young, buy a home and raise your kids. I don't think that is true for the general population and I don't think it's fair to hold the boyfriend in the OP to the same standards.

 

[Colleen27]

So? My question still stands... does the BF's age change the advice you'd give him? If he's 20 do you tell him to go live with his dad? If he's 25 he should stay?

Absolutely it would change my advice, and my perception of the situation. I'm reading "early 20s" as "still a dependent student" (legally speaking, regardless of living situation) in which case the parents relocating may very well be pulling the rug out form under his education.

If I decide tomorrow to move away, my kid's tuition doubles. If he moves with me, he'd still have a year of non-resident tuition before the resident rate goes into effect at the new home. And if he doesn't move with me, the financial aid formulas that assume everyone under 24 is living with or supported by parents would make it near impossible to earn enough to live independently and pay tuition because the FAFSA considers virtually all of his income is available for college costs. I don't think it is unreasonable to think that most parents of college-aged students would take that into consideration when weighing whether to relocate.

 

[HarperLeigh]

That's all well and good, but you and your DH are the exception in buying a home at 20 and 25. Back in 1999 the median age for a first time home buyer was 33.3. It's nice that you and your DH were successful and were able to marry young, buy a home and raise your kids. I don't think that is true for the general population and I don't think it's fair to hold the boyfriend in the OP to the same standards.

We bought our first house at 24 years old. We're 43 now. It wasn't all that long ago.

 

[dosekies]

We bought our first house at 24 years old. We're 43 now. It wasn't all that long ago.

I wish I could buy a house right now at 24. We make good money, but with my student loans and his car payment, we could only get approved for like 180k. Around here that gets you close to nothing. Or if you do find something, it is in an area you definitely do not want to live in haha. We would have to move over an hour from both of our jobs to find anything.

 

[HarperLeigh]

I wish I could buy a house right now at 24. We make good money, but with my student loans and his car payment, we could only get approved for like 180k. Around here that gets you close to nothing. Or if you do find something, it is in an area you definitely do not want to live in haha. We would have to move over an hour from both of our jobs to find anything.

Our first house cost less than $50,000 and was a very nice, comfortable place, with 3/4 of an acre of land. Choosing to live in a low COL area was a choice we consciously made.

 

[dosekies]

Our first house cost less than $50,000 and was a very nice, comfortable place, with 3/4 of an acre of land. Choosing to live in a low COL area was a choice we consciously made.

Oh, I would make that choice if I could too, but not everyone can easily do that. As much as everyone wants to deny it, there is a big difference now from even just 20 years ago!

 

[HarperLeigh]

Oh, I would make that choice if I could too, but not everyone can easily do that. As much as everyone wants to deny it, there is a big difference now from even just 20 years ago!

No, there really isn't. What has changed is people's wants outweighing their needs. We were never going to be a couple that believed we had to spend $350,000 on our starter home.

 

[mjkacmom]

Our first house cost less than $50,000 and was a very nice, comfortable place, with 3/4 of an acre of land. Choosing to live in a low COL area was a choice we consciously made.

Our first house cost $180 20 years ago, before prices went crazy. It's now worth about $450,000. Good luck to the 20 years olds buying homes here these days!

 

[mjkacmom]

No, there really isn't. What has changed is people's wants outweighing their needs. We were never going to be a couple that believed we had to spend $350,000 on our starter home.

But in some places, that's what starter homes cost.

 

[dosekies]

But in some places, that's what starter homes cost.

I can't even buy just a plot of land for that amount of money haha. And I also just can't up and move anywhere I want without considering my job, etc.

 

[dosekies]

No, there really isn't. What has changed is people's wants outweighing their needs. We were never going to be a couple that believed we had to spend $350,000 on our starter home.

Lol I literally just want a place with a garage, two bedroom, and outdoor space for my dog. That really isn't asking much. But when all I can afford is a place in a horrible neighborhood or that is uninhabitable for under 200k, yeah that is not my wants outweighing my needs.

 

[smiths02]

That's all well and good, but you and your DH are the exception in buying a home at 20 and 25. Back in 1999 the median age for a first time home buyer was 33.3. It's nice that you and your DH were successful and were able to marry young, buy a home and raise your kids. I don't think that is true for the general population and I don't think it's fair to hold the boyfriend in the OP to the same standards.

But for the general population, it's about 32% of young adults that live with parents or relatives (18-34)...so while it is a trend, the majority are still doing something else (married or living with partner, living alone, or some other arrangement).
So being mid-20s and living at home would still be the "exception" even nowadays

 

[mjkacmom]

I can't even buy just a plot of land for that amount of money haha. And I also just can't up and move anywhere I want without considering my job, etc.

The land here is worth more than the home. Lots sizes are around 50 x 90. And that starter home comes with a $1000 a months property tax bill.

 

[robinb]

But in some places, that's what starter homes cost.

True. Where I live "starter" homes are in the $200,000 - $300,000 range. My sister moved to a medium sized town last year and was able to purchase a nice home for less than $40,000. BUT there are NO JOBS in that town. The economy was gutted when they lost manufacturing jobs. The COL is cheaper because no one has money to purchase a home.