Thoughts on moving back after fresh start?

[HarperLeigh]

True. Where I live "starter" homes are in the $200,000 - $300,000 range. My sister moved to a medium sized town last year and was able to purchase a nice home for less than $40,000. BUT there are NO JOBS in that town. The economy was gutted when they lost manufacturing jobs. The COL is cheaper because no one has money to purchase a home.

There are plenty of other places around where you live with a lower cost of living with an easy commute to your city.

 

[LittleMissMagic]

I've been following this thread since it was started yesterday, and honestly, it's depressing me a little. I just want to offer a different take on the situation...

Okay, so who cares where exactly in his early 20s this boy is, he should have no say on whether or not his parents move. But, he does have the ability to control whether or not he moves. If he really wants to stay in this town and continue to attend this school, then he should be doing everything he can to secure a new living situation (and not with the OP!!!). I understand that there may be some hurt feelings on his parents' end, should he choose not to move with them, but surely they would realize that he's an adult and taking initiative to secure his future.

So what if the boy doesn't really care that much whether he moves or not? He's whining a bit that his parents are moving, but he doesn't want to stay so badly that he's taking it into his own hands and searching for solutions. That could say many things - maybe he's just not that mature, yet, not ready to live on his own. Maybe he doesn't really care so much about staying at his school. Maybe he isn't really that serious about his relationship with DD. I think that should the boy choose to move with his parents, DD should really be questioning her relationship before agreeing to take it long distance because either the boy isn't that committed in the relationship, or he just doesn't have much drive and determination to take control of his own future. I think both are concerning. And I've been in that position before where I realized that the boy just didn't have the drive. And it sucks. It sucks when someone just doesn't care as much as you.

And I get it. It sucks for OP's DD. Because she has no control over the situation. There is nothing that she can really do or say. She's just waiting to see what happens.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Yes, I knew when I posted my comment people were going to think I was taking a perfectly innocent gesture by caring parents, applying the typical DIS histrionics, and seeing RED FLAGS!!11!!!1! where there were none. And maybe that's exactly what I did. But as someone with the unfortunate advantage of having an intimate understanding of dysfunctional family dynamics, I sometimes pick up on things that others wouldn't notice. While I do my best to be mindful that I'm not projecting my own experiences onto everyone else, I am acutely aware that sometimes the seemingly innocent details are clues to much bigger patterns and problems. This is what I was thinking as I read her comment; my thoughts in red:

Man, this makes me want to call my mom and dad to tell them how much I love them. That's sweet.

I just moved out for the first time and they didn't want me to! Didn't want you to? Huh, I'd understand parents feeling nervous about their child taking that step, or even wistful that they're entering a different chapter of life, but not wanting her to move out seems like an awfully strong reaction to a normal phase of development. Eh, maybe she's really young or something. They sat me down multiple times to run the numbers and make sure it would work. Hmm, you'd hope that you could give your kid enough credit to, you know, run the numbers and know if they could afford to live on their own, but I'll chalk this up to normal parental anxieties. Even then, at 24, --whoa, she's 24? At that age, I'd be worried we were verging on a "failure to launch" situation with my kid. I certainly wouldn't be discouraging them from moving out at that age -- they never once pushed me to move out or even mentioned it because they wanted me to pay off as much of my student loans as I could. Could certainly be a wise financial decision encouraged by generous parents... Or, on the flip side, the kind of thing my parents did -- Try to spin something as them being nice or it being in my best interest, when really it was about them maintaining control (particularly financial control) and not allowing me any means of being able to be independent of them. They did the same thing when I told them I wanted to by my own car instead of continuing to use their extra one. Generosity? Another way of keeping her dependent? Heck, they still come over and bring me their dinner leftovers and giant things of Costco toilet paper because they miss me! Oh geez, they're bringing her dinner scraps and toilet paper? Yeah, they don't have much confidence in her ability to adult without their help. Showing up with toilet paper doesn't say "I missed you!" It says "I assume you're too incompetent to keep yourself supplied with the things you need so I have to do it for you."

But the PP clarified that's not the case at all and my spidey senses were way off and everything's cool. So NVM.

 

[dosekies]

ed that's not the case at all and my spidey senses were way off and everything's cool. So NVM

I actually appreciate you posting this.

I know it might sound strange to people, but my parents really don't control anything for me, we were just really close and they knew how hard it was for them at my age and wanted to make sure I was making the smart choice, not just moving out because I wanted to live with my fiance. It was never a 'I don't want you to/you can't move out' it was more of an 'as long as you can still afford to pay your school loans and everything else, you can do what you want'. Maybe I worded it wrong, but it was never discouraged, there just wasn't ever a push of 'omg you're 24 you need to move out like yesterday'. And of course I ran numbers with them, yeah I know how to do the math, but it was more of a 'you've never lived on your own before, make sure you're not forgetting to factor in so and so bills' or 'this is how much you would probably spend on your electric bill' things like that. And I actually had bought my own first car in high school, but it was a beater that broke down and we sold it. So since they had an extra car that was just sitting around, my brother and I were allowed to share it on breaks and for work, and then we each got to take it for our senior years in college. Since he was still away after I graduated, I got to drive it instead of it just sitting around in our driveway.

I don't know if this even explains it better, but oh well. Personally, I know my parents have never tried to hold me back or control anything. I've always been able to make my own decision, but I am not afraid to ask them for their opinions considering they have more experience than I do!

 

[gotomu212]

I will say that some of the most fun I had were those early 20s, crappy apartment, sometimes eating ramen until payday, hanging with my roommates days. Yes it would have saved money to live with my parents, but there's also a ton of independent growth that I would have missed out on.

I remember my mom telling me that she and my dad started out with a mattress and a picnic table and that's how they furnished their first apartment until they saved a little bit.

I think that expectations for your first place are a lot higher today and it is harder for parents to be okay with the fact that their kids might struggle and have to make sacrifices until they get on their feet. Those sacrifices though are all part of life and really make you appreciate what you are able to build later in your 30s.

 

[Colleen27]

Our first house cost less than $50,000 and was a very nice, comfortable place, with 3/4 of an acre of land. Choosing to live in a low COL area was a choice we consciously made.

But it isn't a choice that's available to everyone. We enjoy the lifestyle we do almost entirely because we moved to a place with a very low COL... but the downside is that there are also very few good jobs. DH has an hour's commute, there are no jobs in my field, and the kids don't have the option of being commuter students because there isn't a university within reasonable driving distance. If I valued my career, we couldn't live here. And the places that we could live would be more expensive in terms of cost-to-income ratio, even with a second income, unless we were willing to live in a failing school district for the sake of cheaper housing.

 

[mjkacmom]

I actually appreciate you posting this.

I know it might sound strange to people, but my parents really don't control anything for me, we were just really close and they knew how hard it was for them at my age and wanted to make sure I was making the smart choice, not just moving out because I wanted to live with my fiance. It was never a 'I don't want you to/you can't move out' it was more of an 'as long as you can still afford to pay your school loans and everything else, you can do what you want'. Maybe I worded it wrong, but it was never discouraged, there just wasn't ever a push of 'omg you're 24 you need to move out like yesterday'. And of course I ran numbers with them, yeah I know how to do the math, but it was more of a 'you've never lived on your own before, make sure you're not forgetting to factor in so and so bills' or 'this is how much you would probably spend on your electric bill' things like that. And I actually had bought my own first car in high school, but it was a beater that broke down and we sold it. So since they had an extra car that was just sitting around, my brother and I were allowed to share it on breaks and for work, and then we each got to take it for our senior years in college. Since he was still away after I graduated, I got to drive it instead of it just sitting around in our driveway.

I don't know if this even explains it better, but oh well. Personally, I know my parents have never tried to hold me back or control anything. I've always been able to make my own decision, but I am not afraid to ask them for their opinions considering they have more experience than I do!

Up until she passed away, my mom was always picking up stuff at the store for us and the kids, she loved doing it. I saw her every day, and as an adult, she and I had a friendship, it was a great functional relationship. I miss her every day, and cherish everything she did for us.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I will say that some of the most fun I had were those early 20s, crappy apartment, sometimes eating ramen until payday, hanging with my roommates days. Yes it would have saved money to live with my parents, but there's also a ton of independent growth that I would have missed out on.

I remember my mom telling me that she and my dad started out with a mattress and a picnic table and that's how they furnished their first apartment until they saved a little bit.

I think that expectations for your first place are a lot higher today and it is harder for parents to be okay with the fact that their kids might struggle and have to make sacrifices until they get on their feet. Those sacrifices though are all part of life and really make you appreciate what you are able to build later in your 30s.

I mentioned my DD22, now living 800 miles from home. She furnished her apartment with (a) some stuff from her school apartment (like cookware) and a few things from her room here, (b) her grandmother downsizing, and (c) some school friend who was moving out and didn't want her bed, dresser, etc. Total cost for furniture: $0!! It makes my cheap heart so proud! And I told her, I don't care if it's old or ugly or shabby--it'll hold her until she can upgrade, a little at a time. Heck, it was fairly recently that I told DH that we absolutely, finally had to get rid of those shelves he was using, that were made from unfinished boards stacked on concrete blocks! You don't need everything perfect and pretty, right out of the gate.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Yes, I knew when I posted my comment people were going to think I was taking a perfectly innocent gesture by caring parents, applying the typical DIS histrionics, and seeing RED FLAGS!!11!!!1! where there were none. And maybe that's exactly what I did. But as someone with the unfortunate advantage of having an intimate understanding of dysfunctional family dynamics, I sometimes pick up on things that others wouldn't notice. While I do my best to be mindful that I'm not projecting my own experiences onto everyone else, I am acutely aware that sometimes the seemingly innocent details are clues to much bigger patterns and problems. This is what I was thinking as I read her comment; my thoughts in red:

I think things like this happen here a lot. Some people have dysfunctional families that influence their views on families in general. Others have parents that expected them to grow up quickly or weren't very involved in their life. They tend to raise their kids the same way. That's perfectly understandable. It worked out for them, so they think that's what's best for their kids. Most (not all) of us parent similar to the way our parents did.

Everyone doesn't have dysfunctional families though. Some people have very close families they want to spend time with. My parents, when they were alive, & my sisters are my best friends, excluding DH & DS, of course. Some parents are there for their child(ren) for the duration of their life & can't imagine life any other way. They allow their child(ren) to live their life, but are there any time they need them. DH's & my parents were/are that way. DH & I will be the same type of parent. We'll stop being here for DS, when we're no longer on this earth. Until then, he'll know he has a backup plan, if he gets into a situation where he needs one.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Up until she passed away, my mom was always picking up stuff at the store for us and the kids, she loved doing it. I saw her every day, and as an adult, she and I had a friendship, it was a great functional relationship. I miss her every day, and cherish everything she did for us.

That was how I was with my mom.

She was a friend. And she used to put "mad money" in my car. She would leave $5, $10 or $20 in the cup holder.

I didn't need money. My husband had a great job. But Mom felt good giving me something.

 

[mjkacmom]

I mentioned my DD22, now living 800 miles from home. She furnished her apartment with (a) some stuff from her school apartment (like cookware) and a few things from her room here, (b) her grandmother downsizing, and (c) some school friend who was moving out and didn't want her bed, dresser, etc. Total cost for furniture: $0!! It makes my cheap heart so proud! And I told her, I don't care if it's old or ugly or shabby--it'll hold her until she can upgrade, a little at a time. Heck, it was fairly recently that I told DH that we absolutely, finally had to get rid of those shelves he was using, that were made from unfinished boards stacked on concrete blocks! You don't need everything perfect and pretty, right out of the gate.

I remember referring to my furniture and appliances as "dead aunt." People wonder why couples, who've lived together, have bridal showers. I had dead aunt furnishings even after having some kids (all of my grandparents had a lot of siblings).

Dd21's dresser was garbage picked 2 years ago (but we knew them).

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I actually appreciate you posting this.

I know it might sound strange to people, but my parents really don't control anything for me, we were just really close and they knew how hard it was for them at my age and wanted to make sure I was making the smart choice, not just moving out because I wanted to live with my fiance. It was never a 'I don't want you to/you can't move out' it was more of an 'as long as you can still afford to pay your school loans and everything else, you can do what you want'. Maybe I worded it wrong, but it was never discouraged, there just wasn't ever a push of 'omg you're 24 you need to move out like yesterday'. And of course I ran numbers with them, yeah I know how to do the math, but it was more of a 'you've never lived on your own before, make sure you're not forgetting to factor in so and so bills' or 'this is how much you would probably spend on your electric bill' things like that. And I actually had bought my own first car in high school, but it was a beater that broke down and we sold it. So since they had an extra car that was just sitting around, my brother and I were allowed to share it on breaks and for work, and then we each got to take it for our senior years in college. Since he was still away after I graduated, I got to drive it instead of it just sitting around in our driveway.

I don't know if this even explains it better, but oh well. Personally, I know my parents have never tried to hold me back or control anything. I've always been able to make my own decision, but I am not afraid to ask them for their opinions considering they have more experience than I do!

It sounds like you have great parents & you realize that. You have all been blessed.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I remember referring to my furniture and appliances as "dead aunt." People wonder why couples, who've lived together, have bridal showers. I had dead aunt furnishings even after having some kids (all of my grandparents had a lot of siblings).

Dd21's dresser was garbage picked 2 years ago (but we knew them).

Yeah, my MIL actually downsized/sold her condo last year--our niece really benefited, she was setting up her first apartment at the time. MIL moved into assisted living, and then died this past July, so DD got a nightstand, desk, and a few other small items a couple weeks ago. I didn't want to sound ghoulish, like DD was thrilled her grandmother died so she could get a few pieces of furniture--definitely not the case, although DD was appreciative. And MIL was probably cheaper than I am, she would have wanted to see the items go to good use. DD also lives in a college town, she knows exactly when to scour the streets for cast-offs from departing students. I taught her well!