The straw - he's gone, pg 7

[snapppyd]

I'm so sorry, what a complete mess. I hope you and your Mom can manage to get through the holidays in relative peacefulness. I really don't hold out much hope, however, for her and his children.

Please give Dash a little kiss for me, I have always loved him

 

[horseshowmom]

I'm so sorry for the situation.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thank you everyone, I think we are all still kind of in a shock mode, haven't really grasped it all yet.

Mystery Machine I am sorry to hear about your sister as well. That is maybe one good thing in this that he didn't have regular surgery and needs to recover from that during this time. At his age and with this going on I don't think healing from surgery would have been easy for him. They went down thru the throat and made a tiny slit to get the stent in and do the biopsy, so he has no incisions anywhere on the outside. He actually was able to go home from the hospital last night.

The sad thing on top of an already sad situation is my Mom is still being herself. For now, she has turned off the drama with me but is going all out on my step-dads 3 kids. They were all adults when he and my Mom got married and she has never gotten along with them, she never made them feel welcome when they came to visit their dad and now they don't come around much because of it. I'm afraid they are in a "can't win" position, she won't be happy if they don't come to see him and she won't be happy if they do. I told her yesterday she needs to stop making this about herself and to let it go with his kids, that he needs them now and she needs to stay out of it.

I know the situation will just get worse as this goes on and I am already worried about keeping the peace once he is gone. I know his kids will expect certain things after he is gone and I also know she won't let that happen. I'm hoping to talk with his one DD when we go out next week to reassure her that we all do not feel the way my Mom does.

What a mess

Tell me about. It is my sister's MIL and I could write you a best selling tragedy about what surrounds her life. It is unbelievable.

She has been "sick" for yrs. However she is a person who did not persue her problems. She had a crappy doctor that prescribed her pills on demand.

She knew she was supposed to see specialists but ignored it. This time upon entering the hospital she agree to get some surgery to repair a hernia and something else.

When they cut into her with one incision they slashed her bowel, it is fused together with cancer. They suspect she had ovarian cancer and it spread but they do not know since it is entirely in the lower half of her body. She also a large tumor in her bowel.

It is just so awful and it going to be an epic family mess. All I can do is stay supportive to my sister right now and do what I can. I tell her take it day to day. Try not to focus on the epic mess to ensue and focus on the minor stuff, like making sure her bills get paid. She has been in there for 3 weeks and we do not know if she is ever going to be able to go home.

Short term has turned to long term which is a whole other dynamic.

 

[minniebeth]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation, SleepyMom (and yours too, Mystery Machine)
I have to say, I was surprised to hear that Person B was your mom.
However, the situation does make all matters surrounding the holidays trivial, but so many times the drama continues, and like you expect it to, it probably will. We have so much dissention in my family surrounding my mother's illness and care and we have talked to counselors and they say sadly, it does often times get worse and is soo way too often common in families.
All you can do is be there, show you care, if not for your mother, for your step-dad and for your own children. I believe if we model for our kids how to be the better person in these situations, perhaps one day it might make a difference one day when they are in a similar situation. Holidays are hard enough, and now you have this. Take care of yourself and take it moment by moment.

 

[EMom]

Thank you everyone, I think we are all still kind of in a shock mode, haven't really grasped it all yet.

Mystery Machine I am sorry to hear about your sister as well. That is maybe one good thing in this that he didn't have regular surgery and needs to recover from that during this time. At his age and with this going on I don't think healing from surgery would have been easy for him. They went down thru the throat and made a tiny slit to get the stent in and do the biopsy, so he has no incisions anywhere on the outside. He actually was able to go home from the hospital last night.

The sad thing on top of an already sad situation is my Mom is still being herself. For now, she has turned off the drama with me but is going all out on my step-dads 3 kids. They were all adults when he and my Mom got married and she has never gotten along with them, she never made them feel welcome when they came to visit their dad and now they don't come around much because of it. I'm afraid they are in a "can't win" position, she won't be happy if they don't come to see him and she won't be happy if they do. I told her yesterday she needs to stop making this about herself and to let it go with his kids, that he needs them now and she needs to stay out of it.

I know the situation will just get worse as this goes on and I am already worried about keeping the peace once he is gone. I know his kids will expect certain things after he is gone and I also know she won't let that happen. I'm hoping to talk with his one DD when we go out next week to reassure her that we all do not feel the way my Mom does.

What a mess

My MIL was the most narcissistic woman on earth. Very childish and childlike. It was not possible for her to look at a situation from the perspective of another person.....She was INCAPABLE of it. Her brain could not do it. Everything was about how it affected HER, how SHE felt, what SHE wanted, etc.

Years ago, when her DH (my DH's dad) was in the hospital and close to death waiting for a transplant that never came, she stayed true to form. Without going into it all, let me just say she never ONCE thought of that poor man and what he was going through, knowing the end of his life was most likely just around the corner. She would not do the simplest things for him. It was all about HER, how him being sick affected HER, how inconvenient it was to HER, if he died, what would it mean to HER. Not about worrying if he was scared or about comforting him. Not about giving a minute's thought to her children. Nope....Just her.

What I am saying is, do not expect this sad turn of events to change your mother's essential nature. People who thrive on drama, creating conflict, etc. don't generally do well at focusing on the needs of others. If she's been cool to her stepchildren for years, that will probably continue. Why be nice just because their father is dying? Your "gift exhange" problem is over, but your mom hasn't changed.

I am sorry about your stepdad.

 

[Marymom]

I lost my Dad to pancreatic cancer a couple of years ago. It was about 6-8 weeks from diagnosis to death. Your stepfather's children need to see him pronto! I waited a couple of weeks to travel home after school was out for the children and found my dad unable to eat and bedridden. He did not feel good and I wished I had visited while he was still functional. I think there is a time where a dying person starts to shut down emotionally and tries to conserve their energy and strength to keep alive.

I also would suggest that your Mom call in hospice. I think hospice is more for the care and reassurance of the caregivers. She will need that. Statistically, the sooner hospice is called in, the longer the lifespan of the patient. Take care.
Mary

 

[ead79]

I'm so sorry to hear about step-dad. My prayers are with you as you face a difficult holiday season.

 

[AlexWyattMommy]

I am so sorry to hear about your Step-Dad. I pray his remaining time is painfree.

Do you think your Step-Dad could just give those items to his children NOW. Before he leaves this earth before your mom can cause drama over it?

 

[vettechick99]

I'm so sorry to hear about your SD.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I cannot believe I am writing this update

I was holding strong to keep myself away from all the drama and craziness and then life slapped us all in the face today.

First, I am just gonna throw this out there, Person B is my Mom.

Last Wednesday (Veteran's Day) she came home and discovered her DH (my step-dad) was looking different, kind of yellowish. She took him to the VA Hospital and they ran some tests and thought he had a bile duct blocked. On Thursday they got the call that it was actually a mass on his pancreas that was blocking the bile duct. On Monday (just yesterday, seems like a year already) she got a call saying they were 90% sure it is cancer and inoperable. Today they did a biopsy and put in a stent (sp) to clear the duct and they discovered it has spread. They have given him 8 weeks

We are in the process of changing our Thanksgiving plans, we will be going there to see them and probably to say good-bye to Grandpa. He married my Mom long after I moved out, but for the last 23 years he has been a wonderful Grandpa to my 2 DD's. They are devastated and so am I.

So much for the drama of Christmas, now we are all just praying he will still be here then.

 

[bumbershoot]

They have given him 8 weeks

We are in the process of changing our Thanksgiving plans, we will be going there to see them and probably to say good-bye to Grandpa. He married my Mom long after I moved out, but for the last 23 years he has been a wonderful Grandpa to my 2 DD's. They are devastated and so am I.

Aw man, I am so so sorry.

For now, she has turned off the drama with me but is going all out on my step-dads 3 kids. They were all adults when he and my Mom got married and she has never gotten along with them, she never made them feel welcome when they came to visit their dad and now they don't come around much because of it. I'm afraid they are in a "can't win" position, she won't be happy if they don't come to see him and she won't be happy if they do. I told her yesterday she needs to stop making this about herself and to let it go with his kids, that he needs them now and she needs to stay out of it.

I know the situation will just get worse as this goes on and I am already worried about keeping the peace once he is gone. I know his kids will expect certain things after he is gone and I also know she won't let that happen. I'm hoping to talk with his one DD when we go out next week to reassure her that we all do not feel the way my Mom does.

What a mess

I personally would try to talk to them *now*.

My MIL, even though she was the interloper (FIL married her in Korea, then went home to divorce his wife, then had to break the news to MIL that they had to marry "again"), despised FIL's previous kids. He had adopted them (not sure if it was legally or just in spirit) and she is ridiculously biased against that sort of thing, and just felt that he should say goodbye to them and NEVER see them again. She refused to let them know when FIL was dying, and HE actually called them.

Just now, and it's approaching 3 years, she's finally seeing hte light that she should have called, should not hold a grudge against someone from 40 years ago, when the kids were just teenagers. Of course, it's too late, really.

I tried to get DH to contact them back then, but he didn't want to freak out his mom. I would really urge you to contact them now...

Do you think your Step-Dad could just give those items to his children NOW. Before he leaves this earth before your mom can cause drama over it?

I too would urge that.

 

[SleepyMom]

I really do appreciate all the thoughts and prayers, thank you.

I spoke with my brother today and he agrees that we can expect Mom to try and keep things meant for SD's kids and try to pass them on to us or our kids, more than likely my 2 girls because she is not close at all with my DB or his family. We both plan to let his 3 kids know if that happens that we will make sure they get it, he has a lot of WW2 stuff from his service there and we both strongly feel that should be passed along to his kids.

I will approach the subject with him when we go visit next week, get his thoughts on what he wants so that we know his wishes and won't be taking Mom's word for anything.

This is all so bizarre because we went through almost the exact same thing with MIL and DH's step-dad. He had gotten some things ready for his kids and after the funeral when they stopped by to pick it up she didn't want to give it to them. In the end she did, but we all had to hear about it for years. I just don't understand that mentality I guess.

My sweet SIL called today and has cancelled plans to spend Thanksgiving with her side of the family and invited us all out to their house now so we can be together, and we won't have to do anything at Mom's. This is the SIL that my Mom blames everything on, if she only knew it is only because of SIL that my DBrother has anything to do with her anymore. I love her! Plus she is my Disney-buddy!

 

[SleepyMom]

Please give Dash a little kiss for me, I have always loved him

Ahhh, thanks. He is a little cutie and we love him to pieces (even when he's being naughty).

 

[SleepyMom]

Tell me about. It is my sister's MIL and I could write you a best selling tragedy about what surrounds her life. It is unbelievable.

She has been "sick" for yrs. However she is a person who did not persue her problems. She had a crappy doctor that prescribed her pills on demand.

She knew she was supposed to see specialists but ignored it. This time upon entering the hospital she agree to get some surgery to repair a hernia and something else.

When they cut into her with one incision they slashed her bowel, it is fused together with cancer. They suspect she had ovarian cancer and it spread but they do not know since it is entirely in the lower half of her body. She also a large tumor in her bowel.

It is just so awful and it going to be an epic family mess. All I can do is stay supportive to my sister right now and do what I can. I tell her take it day to day. Try not to focus on the epic mess to ensue and focus on the minor stuff, like making sure her bills get paid. She has been in there for 3 weeks and we do not know if she is ever going to be able to go home.

Short term has turned to long term which is a whole other dynamic.

So, so sad. I feel so bad for your sister and her DH's family, I will keep them in my prayers.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So, so sad. I feel so bad for your sister and her DH's family, I will keep them in my prayers.

Thanks and I will be thinking of you.

 

[Rose&Mike]

Sleepy Mom and Mystery Machine

 

[bigmerle1966]

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP, I am so sorry you are going thru this!



TC

 

[SleepyMom]

Just a small update

They had an appt on Thursday to meet with the Dr's and Hospice and he was told they have no options at all, they started him on morphine.

He had been signed up to do an Honor Flight, it is where they take WW2 Veterans to Washington DC to see the WW2 Memorial sometime next Spring. Obviously that is not going to happen now, so someone contacted someplace called The Dream Foundation (or something close to that) and all the paperwork has been sent in to see about getting him to DC sooner. He seemed encouraged by that and said he really wants to go, that was on Thursday evening.

Sometime that night or early Friday morning he just gave up, because yesterday he stayed in bed and stopped eating. Today he refused his meds and has stopped talking too. The Dr's want to move him to a Hospice care center on Monday now. My Mom said it is going a lot faster than anyone imagined.

My oldest DD lives out there and she called me tonight after going to see him, she said she doesn't think he is going to make it until we get out there on Wednesday. She told me he is not "Grandpa" anymore and she doesn't want her sister (still at home, 15) to see him like this. She wants her to be able to remember him like he was. We were all really hoping going to DC would give him the strength to fight for awhile, but I just don't think it is going to happen. I can't believe just 10 days ago we didn't even know he was sick

 

[shortbun]

I'm so sorry! Seems that anyone wanting to spend some time with him should go now. Are his children nearby and do they know what's happening? I hope you all find some peace and rally together somehow.