The straw - he's gone, pg 7

[Evil Genius]

give B the list and then tell the family that you will be spending Christmas elsewhere. It's so not worth the tension and the fighting. Make your own holiday traditions.

 

[Octoberbride03]

OK, well I am relieved to see that most think Person B is being a little off and not Person A, since... well, I am Person A.

I honestly didn't think I had done anything wrong, I was just trying to follow what everyone wanted by doing the Secret Santa bit. And yes, I was given the list so that there was a master copy that everyone could go to in case they forgot. In the past 3 or 4 years several lists were made (just for a regular name drawing) and by the next Christmas I was the only one who still could find the list, so it was decided I would be the one this year to keep it for everyone.

The funny/ironic thing is, there has been tension in the past between myself and Person B about things they lied to me about and have refused to tell the truth on. I have come to accept I will never get the truth, have moved on and it hasn't been mentioned for years.

So it seems weird they are having such a meltdown about being kept in the dark (their words) about a Christmas list, when they have kept me in the dark for years about this lie (again, hasn't been mentioned for years and really doesn't come into play in any way in this situation). This person is all about control and loves to keep people off guard by keeping things from them.

As for talking to other family members, this person would not listen to them even if they tried to defend me. We all know what Person B is like and it does no good to even try and tell them anything... again, it's that control issue. We've all talked, I know they support me and understand what is going on, they don't need to get into a fight with "B" to prove it. I am surprised at how vicious the comments are though.

I'm just confused, because of all things, this just seems so silly. They were to have visited us this weekend, staying overnight and I have heard from others they won't be coming here anymore and won't be talking to me until I apologize. I really am not feeling the need to apologize, and it is looking like this might really be the hill I choose to die on. It's a small hill, but I might just have to defend it this time. I'm sure Person B has no idea I know what they are saying, they probably think they can throw this little temper tantrum and then be all sweet when they need to next time.

I heard the reason they want the list is because they found the perfect gift for a couple of people and want to tell the ones who have those names what to get for them. It doesn't really seem like a good reason for such a fit, but who knows.

I love the idea of framing the list and giving it to Person B for Christmas, but at this rate I'm not sure there is going to be a family Christmas with both of us involved. Time will tell.

Thanks for the input! I knew I could get some honest opinions here and if the majority thought I was in the wrong I would have re-considered my thoughts to climb this hill.

If i've had trouble with this person b4, then I might choose to die on this hill too. Person b sounds seriously whacked

Now that its morning and I'm awake, I stand by my original answer but have a question. Is this Secret Santa exchange between the adults or the children of the adults. Growing up in my mom's family it was between the children of the adults and the adults didn't exchange gifts at all. Kept costs down for everybody. My thought is that if were between just the adults then person B should be kicked out entirely of the exchange. Can't punish kids for their idiot parent's rantings, but adults ....no problem at all.

 

[SleepyMom]

give B the list and then tell the family that you will be spending Christmas elsewhere. It's so not worth the tension and the fighting. Make your own holiday traditions.

Another good idea!

Person B would be the one not there though, there is tension between them and most of the family. The rest of us all get along wonderfully and actually enjoy our time together. I am sure if it came down to it, I would still see everyone else and just skip seeing B.

 

[Feralpeg]

Maybe, person B really wanted to find out who had her name so that she could drop hints about what she wants. Person A has messed up person B's plans. What a dumb thing to get angry about. It sure doesn't hold with the whole Christmas sprit idea.

 

[horseshowmom]

I'm just confused, because of all things, this just seems so silly. They were to have visited us this weekend, staying overnight and I have heard from others they won't be coming here anymore and won't be talking to me until I apologize. I really am not feeling the need to apologize, and it is looking like this might really be the hill I choose to die on. It's a small hill, but I might just have to defend it this time. I'm sure Person B has no idea I know what they are saying, they probably think they can throw this little temper tantrum and then be all sweet when they need to next time.

I've got to tell you that under these circumstances, I would NOT apololgize. You have nothing to apologize for, and B has taken it to the extreme in retaliation for not getting B's way. I would continue to be polite and would not respond to this ridiculous behavior, but hell would freeze over before I apologized.

 

[agnes!]

Another good idea!

Person B would be the one not there though, there is tension between them and most of the family. The rest of us all get along wonderfully and actually enjoy our time together. I am sure if it came down to it, I would still see everyone else and just skip seeing B.

It's a win-win then!
You're coming to a family function.

"B" says: "I won't come if A's there."
Family says: "That's too bad, because "A" will be here. Sorry you won't be able to make it."
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Problem solved ! Everyone gets to hang out with the people they love without all the mean-girl drama usually provided by "B" .
agnes!

 

[loveysbydesign]

We have had a similiar thing happen in my family where person B thinks they need to control everything and always get their way...but then says everyone else is like that when really they are the one who's like that. After several years of this our B has stopped communicating with the rest of the family. While it can be painful and confusing to the rest of the family, sometimes everyone is better off if B isn't in their lives.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I would switch family members for whomever has person B so I had person B. I would frame that stupid list and give it as a present.

 

[Liberty Belle]

OK, well I am relieved to see that most think Person B is being a little off and not Person A, since... well, I am Person A.

I honestly didn't think I had done anything wrong, I was just trying to follow what everyone wanted by doing the Secret Santa bit. And yes, I was given the list so that there was a master copy that everyone could go to in case they forgot. In the past 3 or 4 years several lists were made (just for a regular name drawing) and by the next Christmas I was the only one who still could find the list, so it was decided I would be the one this year to keep it for everyone.

The funny/ironic thing is, there has been tension in the past between myself and Person B about things they lied to me about and have refused to tell the truth on. I have come to accept I will never get the truth, have moved on and it hasn't been mentioned for years.

So it seems weird they are having such a meltdown about being kept in the dark (their words) about a Christmas list, when they have kept me in the dark for years about this lie (again, hasn't been mentioned for years and really doesn't come into play in any way in this situation). This person is all about control and loves to keep people off guard by keeping things from them.

As for talking to other family members, this person would not listen to them even if they tried to defend me. We all know what Person B is like and it does no good to even try and tell them anything... again, it's that control issue. We've all talked, I know they support me and understand what is going on, they don't need to get into a fight with "B" to prove it. I am surprised at how vicious the comments are though.

I'm just confused, because of all things, this just seems so silly. They were to have visited us this weekend, staying overnight and I have heard from others they won't be coming here anymore and won't be talking to me until I apologize. I really am not feeling the need to apologize, and it is looking like this might really be the hill I choose to die on. It's a small hill, but I might just have to defend it this time. I'm sure Person B has no idea I know what they are saying, they probably think they can throw this little temper tantrum and then be all sweet when they need to next time.

I heard the reason they want the list is because they found the perfect gift for a couple of people and want to tell the ones who have those names what to get for them. It doesn't really seem like a good reason for such a fit, but who knows.

I love the idea of framing the list and giving it to Person B for Christmas, but at this rate I'm not sure there is going to be a family Christmas with both of us involved. Time will tell.

Thanks for the input! I knew I could get some honest opinions here and if the majority thought I was in the wrong I would have re-considered my thoughts to climb this hill.

Person B is a control freak and manipulator. I think we all have at least one in our family. After initally losing control, they throw a fit and don't speak for a while, but eventually pretend it never happened.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Person B should see a therapist.

 

[Wishing on a star]

edited to add: I posted this before reading all replies and noticing that the OP is indeed 'person A'.

Yes, 'B' clearly has some issues!!!

But, I think that there is more going on here than meets the eye.

IMHO, the whole Secret Santa thing is a little OFF.

Why does only ONE person have a list??????
Why is only ONE person in control????
WHO decides (and can manipulate) who has who's name????
A lot of questions here.
When you have one person in control and in the position to decide and manipulate these things ( and I suspect that this is 'A' ) there are liable to be questions and hard feelings.

PS: Just my own personal thoughts.... I would call off the whole secret santa thing if it is causing this kind of drama.... Secret Santa might seem like a good idea at first, but after a few years, it starts to get old, and for some family members can end up being more of 'just another holiday obligation'.

 

[SC Minnie]

Well, if Person B isn't speaking to Person A then I consider Person A to be very lucky!

Person B has issues. Not let it ruin your holiday.

 

[mjkacmom]

TBH, when I read a post like this, I like to keep in mind that there are 3 sides to every story, and it is very rare for someone to be 100% right, and someone to be 100% wrong. I think there must be some information left out.

 

[SleepyMom]

Yes, 'B' clearly has some issues!!!

But, I think that there is more going on here than meets the eye.

IMHO, the whole Secret Santa thing is a little OFF.

Why does only ONE person have a list??????
Why is only ONE person in control????
WHO decides (and can manipulate) who has who's name????
When you have one person in control and in the position to decide and manipulate these things ( and I suspect that this is 'A' ) there are liable to be questions and hard feelings.

PS: Just my own personal thoughts.... I would call off the whole secret santa thing if it is causing this kind of drama.... Secret Santa might seem like a good idea at first, but after a few years, it starts to get old, and for some family members can end up being more of 'just another holiday obligation'.

The whole thing with the secret Santa started last year when we were getting ready to draw names, someone said it would be fun to not know who has who. I didn't even get in on the original part of the idea, it was just something a couple people thought would be fun. Everyone drew the name they were getting and my DSister-IL wrote them all down. It wasn't one person doing it all, we drew names like we always do, we just didn't make a bunch of copies for all to keep. I was put in charge of keeping the list, I guess because in years past others would lose their copy and everyone came to me each year for reminders anyways, knowing I still had my copy of the list. I guess they all felt I wouldn't lose this years copy either, so people could come to me to remember who they had. I didn't volunteer for this, everyone just said to give the list to me.

There are 13 people that drew names, all adults. We only have 2 kids left to buy for (under 18) so we all buy for them and the adults draw names to cut down on all the gift buying.

I don't know what's going to happen, guess it depends on Person B. The longer this goes on and the more hurtful mean things I hear they are saying is making me think I need to stick on this hill. It is all so bizarrre and silly, I still find it odd that this is the straw that broke it all.

 

[wdwfan16]

Person B was in the wrong and owes A an apology. It seems that B will not do that so A may need to be the bigger person and try to smooth this over so that Christmas is not ruined by B.

 

[wdwfan16]

I would switch family members for whomever has person B so I had person B. I would frame that stupid list and give it as a present.

I love it!!!!!

 

[2binak]

We do the same "secret santa" gift exchange in our big family - just without a master list. We all draw a name from a hat and give only that person a Christmas gift. We all buy gifts for the kids under 18. It's so much easier, less time consuming and less expensive than buying gifts for 20 people.

As for Person B...they are crazy to think that they can manipulate the gift giving. The whole idea of gift giving is to think of and select a gift that you think the recipient would really enjoy. Having someone else tell you what to give the recipient takes the whole fun out of gift giving! OP - it sounds like you have alot of support from the rest of the family. I can understand you're upset by Person B's nastiness, but just rest assured that it seems everyone knows he/she is a loon.

 

[SleepyMom]

TBH, when I read a post like this, I like to keep in mind that there are 3 sides to every story, and it is very rare for someone to be 100% right, and someone to be 100% wrong. I think there must be some information left out.

I agree with you totally, I've only been able to tell my side and what I am hearing from others. That is part of my confusion, there are other things that could have brought this reaction, so I don't get why something that seems so silly is the thing that did.

Like I said, there are old unresolved issues I have with this person, but they haven't been mentioned for years (like close to 15 years). As far as Person B is concerned, the last time those issues were brought up she clarified her position and now it is over. It hasn't been mentioned since.

I am the about the last person who has kept the link between Person B and the rest of the family, the family grew tired of their antics years ago, so I am really, truly dumbfounded by all this over something so tiny. I know there is another side to this story, I just can't figure it out and was wondering if I should apologize based on what I do know.

 

[EthansMom]

I was kinda wondering if B wanted the list so they could "trade" names or something.

OP, do you really care about this so much? My guess would be that you don't. In that case, hand the list off (maybe make a copy for yourself, just in case) to some other relative and tell them they can deal with B and her wacky ways. Be thankful that she isn't coming to visit this weekend and you have some time to yourself.

We had something similar go down last Thanksgiving with a family member making up fibs about me and claiming I'd offended her at Thanksgiving. Plenty of people were around us, at the time, though and knew it was a crock. This Thanksgiving, I told DH, "I just want to make a turkey for us at home. Don't want to deal with the family drama." He was cool with that.

 

[mjkacmom]

I agree with you totally, I've only been able to tell my side and what I am hearing from others. That is part of my confusion, there are other things that could have brought this reaction, so I don't get why something that seems so silly is the thing that did.

Like I said, there are old unresolved issues I have with this person, but they haven't been mentioned for years (like close to 15 years). As far as Person B is concerned, the last time those issues were brought up she clarified her position and now it is over. It hasn't been mentioned since.

I am the about the last person who has kept the link between Person B and the rest of the family, the family grew tired of their antics years ago, so I am really, truly dumbfounded by all this over something so tiny. I know there is another side to this story, I just can't figure it out and was wondering if I should apologize based on what I do know.

I don't think you should apologize, but I do think you should confront her, and ask what the heck is going on. Little things turn into bigger things due to lack of communication, especially family drama!