The straw - he's gone, pg 7

[SleepyMom]

We do the same "secret santa" gift exchange in our big family - just without a master list. We all draw a name from a hat and give only that person a Christmas gift. We all buy gifts for the kids under 18. It's so much easier, less time consuming and less expensive than buying gifts for 20 people.

This is how we do it, draw names from a hat. We make the list because none of us can remember an hour later who we have In the past, several copies were made and held by each branch of the family so we would have something to refer back to. For whatever reason, they decided to keep the list private this year, a couple of people thought it would be fun. My having a copy is no different than other years, I was just told not to tell anyone who other people had. So, I can tell nephewX he has the name of sisterY, but I shouldn't tell him that auntQ has his name, so it will be a surprise when he gets his gift. I think it was more that when we do get together this year it would be unknown who was getting a gift from who, until we actually opened them. Seemed fun at the time it was suggested, didn't know it was going to cause a meltdown.

 

[SleepyMom]

I was kinda wondering if B wanted the list so they could "trade" names or something.

OP, do you really care about this so much? My guess would be that you don't. In that case, hand the list off (maybe make a copy for yourself, just in case) to some other relative and tell them they can deal with B and her wacky ways. Be thankful that she isn't coming to visit this weekend and you have some time to yourself.

We had something similar go down last Thanksgiving with a family member making up fibs about me and claiming I'd offended her at Thanksgiving. Plenty of people were around us, at the time, though and knew it was a crock. This Thanksgiving, I told DH, "I just want to make a turkey for us at home. Don't want to deal with the family drama." He was cool with that.

No, I really don't care that much. I find it all trivial and confusing. I wonder if I should send an e-mail to everyone on the list and say Person B no longer wants to do it as a secret Santa type of exchange, and would they mind if I just e-mail it to us all. Not everyone in the family has heard about the fit yet I am guessing, Person B really doesn't have much to do with several of them on a regular basis. She has let the ones closest to me know, along with all her friends what a terrible person I am and how I am "playing God" by keeping this list from her. I would put her in charge of the list next year, but she is one who calls me 3 to 4 times each December to find out who she has (even though I have e-mailed the list to everyone after being asked a few times for reminders )

Honestly I think I am more hurt by what she is doing than anything, cause it really is not making sense to me. She is telling everyone I am the mad one and making this into a big deal, while honestly I have been sitting back scratching my head trying to figure it all out. I have heard she is livid I didn't call her back after she hung up on me, why would I? So she can yell at me and hang up again. I figured by stepping back it would blow over, and evidently that isn't the case because the longer I stay quiet it sounds like the madder she is getting

 

[EthansMom]

No, I really don't care that much. I find it all trivial and confusing. I wonder if I should send an e-mail to everyone on the list and say Person B no longer wants to do it as a secret Santa type of exchange, and would they mind if I just e-mail it to us all. Not everyone in the family has heard about the fit yet I am guessing, Person B really doesn't have much to do with several of them on a regular basis. She has let the ones closest to me know, along with all her friends what a terrible person I am and how I am "playing God" by keeping this list from her. I would put her in charge of the list next year, but she is one who calls me 3 to 4 times each December to find out who she has (even though I have e-mailed the list to everyone after being asked a few times for reminders )

Honestly I think I am more hurt by what she is doing than anything, cause it really is not making sense to me. She is telling everyone I am the mad one and making this into a big deal, while honestly I have been sitting back scratching my head trying to figure it all out. I have heard she is livid I didn't call her back after she hung up on me, why would I? So she can yell at me and hang up again. I figured by stepping back it would blow over, and evidently that isn't the case because the longer I stay quiet it sounds like the madder she is getting

Honestly, give the list to a third party and ignore B.

 

[2binak]

For whatever reason, they decided to keep the list private this year, a couple of people thought it would be fun.

I have to say, having it a secret is alot of fun! I don't think having 1 master copy is all that bad. It's not like your manipulating the copy or choosing who buys for who. Person B needs to take a valium and enjoy the new tradition.

 

[horseshowmom]

No, I really don't care that much. I find it all trivial and confusing. I wonder if I should send an e-mail to everyone on the list and say Person B no longer wants to do it as a secret Santa type of exchange, and would they mind if I just e-mail it to us all. Not everyone in the family has heard about the fit yet I am guessing, Person B really doesn't have much to do with several of them on a regular basis. She has let the ones closest to me know, along with all her friends what a terrible person I am and how I am "playing God" by keeping this list from her. I would put her in charge of the list next year, but she is one who calls me 3 to 4 times each December to find out who she has (even though I have e-mailed the list to everyone after being asked a few times for reminders )

Honestly I think I am more hurt by what she is doing than anything, cause it really is not making sense to me. She is telling everyone I am the mad one and making this into a big deal, while honestly I have been sitting back scratching my head trying to figure it all out. I have heard she is livid I didn't call her back after she hung up on me, why would I? So she can yell at me and hang up again. I figured by stepping back it would blow over, and evidently that isn't the case because the longer I stay quiet it sounds like the madder she is getting

Manipulators don't take it well when others don't respond the way they expect them to do. That's what her problem is.

I disagree with "being the bigger person" in this instance. She's being mean and throwing a fit. Trying to smooth it over just plays into her hands, and she shouldn't be allowed to get away with it. As I said earlier, I would be polite, but I sure wouldn't try to resolve her issues.

I probably would do what a previous poster suggested. Email everybody, tell them that B wants to make the list public again, and ask if anybody has an issue with that. If they don't, email the list to her. And under no circumstances should you take responsibility for it next year since the other relatives are allowing her to call them and run her mouth (they shouldn't be giving her the time to say any of these things).

 

[Frantasmic]

What's lacking, and I'm not saying OP isn't telling the truth, is the original company of people (Mob C) who should have Person A's back with a historical recounting of the agreement to conduct the process as a Secret Santa list.

I would send an email to Mob C stating that you may have possibly misunderstood (I'm not saying you did), but could you get everyone's clarification that the process was to be conducted in such and such a manner.

When Mob C confirms the story, simply say thank you, that's how I remembered it, oh btw, who wants to tackle this project next year.

 

[SleepyMom]

What's lacking, and I'm not saying OP isn't telling the truth, is the original company of people (Mob C) who should have Person A's back with a historical recounting of the agreement to conduct the process as a Secret Santa list.

I would send an email to Mob C stating that you may have possibly misunderstood (I'm not saying you did), but could you get everyone's clarification that the process was to be conducted in such and such a manner.

When Mob C confirms the story, simply say thank you, that's how I remembered it, oh btw, who wants to tackle this project next year.

I was just coming to post a tiny update and saw your post. I asked my Dbrother if I should do an e-mail or just snail mail the list to "B" to get this over with, I really don't like all the drama. He told me he is going to go talk to her in person and once again explain how we all agreed to do the list from last year this way and why I was given the list for safekeeping, and then ask her if she still wants it or if she is fine with leaving it as is. If she wants it, he said he will tell her he will get it from me and give it to her.

As for her and I though, I think I am going to wait for an apology from her before doing anything else. Her reaction to something so minor really bothers me, and the more she goes on the more confused I am getting. There is something else here, I just don't know what it is.

 

[sbell111]

edited to add: I posted this before reading all replies and noticing that the OP is indeed 'person A'.

You must have been the only person who didn't see through that code.

 

[SleepyMom]

You must have been the only person who didn't see through that code.

And here I thought I was doing a good job being neutral

 

[C.Ann]

I think that Christmas should be cancelled.. So many threads all over the DIS filled with drama; anxiety; disputes over amounts spent on gifts; who should serve dinner where; which house to go to; "do I need to spend X on my kids because so-and-so is spending X on their kids"; and on and on and on.. It's really sad to see this holiday become such a struggle and cause so many issues..

People should just make up their own minds what they are going to do (or not do) and stick with that - regardless of what anyone else says or does..

Sorry for going off in a different direction here, but it really doesn't have to be such a big issue..

I think "A" should forget about "B" and not worry about who needs to be apologizing.. "A" did what was requested of her or him - end of story.. Time to move along.. Sigh...............

 

[arminnie]

I have heard from others they won't be coming here anymore and won't be talking to me until I apologize.

Consider yourself lucky if that is true.

 

[Disney Doll]

Person A has no reason to apologize since he/she is following the family's wishes. Person B will never apologize so don't expect one.

It would behoove Person A to get an attitude of gratitude that Person B Drama King/Queen will not be bringing their drama into Person A's life anymore. If person B brings their drama to Family X's Christmas, then Person A needs to allow person B to show their true colors and keep repeating, "It's what the family wanted."

Best of luck to Person A.

What she said.

 

[RitaZ.]

I would switch family members for whomever has person B so I had person B. I would frame that stupid list and give it as a present.

 

[sunnyday123]

I was just coming to post a tiny update and saw your post. I asked my Dbrother if I should do an e-mail or just snail mail the list to "B" to get this over with, I really don't like all the drama. He told me he is going to go talk to her in person and once again explain how we all agreed to do the list from last year this way and why I was given the list for safekeeping, and then ask her if she still wants it or if she is fine with leaving it as is. If she wants it, he said he will tell her he will get it from me and give it to her.

As for her and I though, I think I am going to wait for an apology from her before doing anything else. Her reaction to something so minor really bothers me, and the more she goes on the more confused I am getting. There is something else here, I just don't know what it is.

There would be no way in a very hot place she would get that list if it were up to me. I'd eat it first.

 

[SleepyMom]

Small update...

My brother talked to her and reminded her how we all agreed to do Christmas this year and then asked her again if she wanted the list, she said no.

I got a voicemail from Person B last Friday, she was driving to an out of town meeting and was wondering what I was up to. I knew she was calling because she needed a place to spend the night on Saturday on her way back home. On Saturday she called again and she acted as if nothing had ever happened.

She asked if we were going to be home and I said that I had heard she had made other plans to stay somewhere else, she denied it and I told her I heard all the things she had said about me and how angry she got over the Christmas list. She 100% denied being angry and denied saying anything about me, which is what I expected, she has done this before.

I did end up letting her stay here, but it was a pretty cool evening. She came in late and we went about our business and then went to bed, without talking very much. She got up early the next day and was ready to leave before we left for church. I've talked to her once since then, she let me know they got home OK that night. I kept it short and got off the phone as soon as I could.

Before this happened she had asked about coming here for Thanksgiving and I (at that time) didn't know what we were going to do, I think now I am just going to say we have other plans. DH and I have decided we don't want the drama and are looking forward to a quiet Thanksgiving at home alone with us and our DD's. The next hurdle will be Christmas, where I plan to be cordial but I am not going to let her treat me like this anymore. I really feel this was the straw that broke the relationship between her and I, unless she decides to acknowledge her behaviour and do something to change it, I can't see us going back.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[tar heel]

Mob C needs to step back and quit stirring the pot b/c that's exactly what the people who are telling you she's talking about you, staying somewhere else, etc. are doing. I also don't get letting her stay at your house then being cold to her - what is that supposed to accomplish? I don't understand having to "win" this one just because she started it.

Is this what happens in families that have big feuds where people act like they're 12 years old and don't have good sense? I'm not necessarily talking about your family OP, but we read it constantly on the
DiS and a lot of the disagreements are just silly stuff. I think family is too important to not do everything possible to keep the peace and get along. A couple years ago my sil told my in-laws that we had not given her son a graduation gift. It was June. She and my bil had given my son his grad gift in July year before, which is why I thought it would be fine to wait since we were invited to a half-dozen parties that year and were not invited to one for my nephew -- he would get a bigger check if we waited a month. It really annoyed me, but I let it go b/c doing anything else would have hurt my in-laws, whom I loved and respected too much.

 

[luvsJack]

This person B sounds like one of those negative people that you need to cut from your life. Be cordial and all but don't concern yourself with what she does or says.

 

[luvsJack]

I think that Christmas should be cancelled.. So many threads all over the DIS filled with drama; anxiety; disputes over amounts spent on gifts; who should serve dinner where; which house to go to; "do I need to spend X on my kids because so-and-so is spending X on their kids"; and on and on and on.. It's really sad to see this holiday become such a struggle and cause so many issues..

People should just make up their own minds what they are going to do (or not do) and stick with that - regardless of what anyone else says or does..

Sorry for going off in a different direction here, but it really doesn't have to be such a big issue..

I think "A" should forget about "B" and not worry about who needs to be apologizing.. "A" did what was requested of her or him - end of story.. Time to move along.. Sigh...............

Ain't it the truth!!

 

[agnes!]

Wait a minute....there was a "Mob"? I must have missed something... Oh, that was a reference by another poster to the family

But here's a thought that will help keep your blood-pressure down. Don't listen to family gossip. That should be your new mantra. When people in the family just *have* to tell you that "B" said [insert the most recent craziness here] about you, just refuse to listen. Say something like "If B has something to say to me, she can say it to my face". Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

agnes!
PS - Maybe for Christmas you could put the list onto one of those make-your-own jigsaw puzzles and give her the unassembled pieces...heheheheh.

 

[crashbb]

I totally agree that person B is in the wrong, but I'm confused.

If you know who everybody has, how would sending her the list make is any less "secret"?

We do a Secret Santa as well, but each list goes in an envelope and we pull envelopes. Nobody knows who anybody else has (and there is no master list).

I'm just not getting how, given that you know who she has, sending her the list would change things.

ETA - okay, I think I'm just an idiot. In my family "list" refers to the list of 5 things everyone makes (so that people have an idea of what to get their Secret Santa. Your "list" refers to the pairing of everyone's Secret Santa giver to recipient.