Stay-at-Home Parent or Unemployed?

[wvjules]

I think it's horrible to think that stay at home parents don't do anything all day, being a stay at home parent is the hardest job anyone person could do.

I'm going to respectfully disagree with this.

 

[morgan98]

I'm going to respectfully disagree with this.

Me too. I really want to say more but I am sure it will be misinterpreted.

 

[LisaR]

I wasn’t going to touch this thread with a ten foot pole. But I do have two sincere questions for SAHPs:

1. Do you have assets in your own name? Or is your spouse putting away some retirement funds for you as well? Is this something you ever worry about? If the only working parent died or took off, would you be ok financially?

2. How will you define yourself once the kids leave the nest? Hands-on responsibility to your kid is *supposed* to last 18 years, though seems to be getting stretched out these days. Kids keep us all very busy, and that is the ‘now’ of life. But once the cooking, cleaning, and carting is done – what do you see yourself doing?

These are just things I’ve always been genuinely curious about, if anyone cares to share.

No, I have absolutely nothing in my name. DH isn't putting anything into retirement for me. When I need money, I get down on my knees and beg and plead for him to throw me a dollar or two.

You do realize that if a spouse is an ***, they are an *** whether both people work or one stays at home. If I had married an *** and had a job, he would make sure my paycheck went to him and I wouldn't be able to keep any of it because that's what people who are asses do. I wouldn't marry someone like that. I'll be just fine financially if something were to happen to DH. As a matter of fact, I will be very well off. I make sure to remind him of that when he irritates me. If you are married to an individual who only thinks of themselves when they think of the future, I'd say you are married to the wrong person.

Do you think people also shouldn't retire? I mean, what on earth will they do with themselves? How will they define themselves? What will they do once the cleaning is done? It's a pretty big world out there. If you can't find things to do, you aren't looking very hard.

 

[LisaR]

I think it's horrible to think that stay at home parents don't do anything all day, being a stay at home parent is the hardest job anyone person could do.

I disagree and I am a SAHM. You really don't think there is anything harder than parenting full time??

 

[Lilacs4Me]

↑
I think it's horrible to think that stay at home parents don't do anything all day, being a stay at home parent is the hardest job anyone person could do.

I'm going to respectfully disagree with this.

Me too. I really want to say more but I am sure it will be misinterpreted.

Yep...see my first response in this thread.

But again, it all comes down to what is important to whom. I put my whole life into being a SAHM, and when I had to go back to work for financial reasons (darn 2008-2012 economy collapse!), I did not want to "give up" the SAHM lifestyle I had created for my kids. It wasn't their fault that I had to start working! So, we brought a babysitter into the house instead of sending the kids to after-care at school, and I stayed up late at night to clean the house and make sure the dishes were done, or that they had homemade lunches, or that all their homework was checked and backpacks cleaned out. I still signed up to be Room Mom for their classes, and took a couple hours "personal time" (before I was a salaried employee) every couple weeks to help in youngest DS's kindergarten classroom like I had done with his older siblings. My vacation schedule looked like, and continues to this day to look like, the school calendar LOL random days dotted here and there because instead of taking a week off at a time, my vacation days are always saved for Halloween parties, and Christmas parties, and the first day of school, and the last, and the 6th grade choir concert and 4th grade Parents Day, etc, etc, etc.

IBut the stress is unbelievable. I finally had to accept the fact that I couldn't do everything, and had to stop trying to give 100% both at work at at home, and compromise on things. Did my kids die from it? Not at all. Did they even notice or care at all? A little, but it wasn't the end of the world for them. Kids are resilient and accepting, and these are truly first-world problems.

But it bothers ME. When I stayed home with them, I was giving them the life I wanted them to have. When I started working, I gave them more security, more stability, and a better future overall. But it is about 50000% harder as a working parent trying to stay as conscientious about the homelife I *want* my kids to have vs. the messier, more hectic, more stressful one they are living with. I don't feel sorry for them at all...it is probably better for them in the long run. But I *do* feel bad that I failed at giving them what I WANTED to give them. I've never admitted that to anyone before...and now a discussion board full of strangers who couldn't care less know exactly how I really feel. LOL And I will never belittle anything a mom does - in or out of the house. Just BEING a mom is tough, adding anything else to it is enough to break the best of us!

So bottom-line for me, working away from home but still wanting to parent and run a household the same way as I did as a SAHM is the hardest job I personally have ever done, and I try as hard as I can to minimize the effects of it on my kids.

ETA: Roofers, garbage collectors, landscapers, and farmers are pretty high on my list of occupations where I feel their job is harder than my SAHM/WOHM jobs. Same with nurses, teachers, and anyone working in fast food or call centers.

Oh, and definitely anyone that has a job where they still have to deal with one of my old bosses....

 

[PollyannaMom]

Unemployed if you either need to be or want to be employed.

SAH parent if you are choosing to do so.

I worked until the kids were school age and then stayed home. Completely backwards I know, but we had a son with special needs and his needs started demanding more attention. I chose to quit my job and homeschool him. He is now a senior in high school and doing well. I am strongly considering going back to work, part time to start, soon.

We have 3 boys and college costs coming up, so working and having my income pay for it was part of the plan.

One of my friends stayed home when her kids were small and then went back to work when the youngest was in school, and says she wishes she did it "backwards" as you said - worked when they were little and put some of the money aside to stay home when all the craziness of school and activities was in full swing. She said that's when they really needed her the most.

 

[E&Cmom]

i can't stand the mommy/parent wars. Why does it matter what others decide to define us as? We are all parents doing what we find best for our family and making our choices based on that. I hate when people try to compete at who has the harder job. Why does it even matter? We have no idea what else is going on In a person lives and being a parent as rewarding as it can is also extremely hard if you are sah or working. My kids are pretty easy right now but with the teen years just around the corner ( well for one) who knows what will happen . As for the term " unemployed" , I don't think it applies to people who " choose" to stay home for whatever reason.

I am in transition right now. I have been a SAHM since my 12 year old was born but for the past year and a half have been a SAHM/ student. I just finished my course 2 weeks ago so I guess technically am unemployed until I find a job.

 

[MUFFYCAT]

All I know is the days that I was home with kids was harder then being at work, kudos to you all!
Stay at home or work is nobody's business but your own.

 

[mefordis]

I dislike the term stay at home mom. I do not dislike stay at home mothers though! The correct term is homemaker. If a family can afford to have a parent stay home after the kids go to school, and that parent wants to be a homemaker I would never begrudge anyone to do what was best for their situation.

See, I don't see myself as a homemaker. I'm not making any homes, whatever that means. I tidy up the house but I don't clean. I have housekeepers who do that. I cook meals but I believe the working parents do that, tool I AM, however, staying home with my kids (when they are here with me) so I guess I come closer to being a SAHM. Whatever anyone wants to call me is fine, though. Doesn't change what I do.

I'm also not offended if someone doesn't like the fact that another mom is a sahm. I can always go back to work if I choose. I think just about anyone can get a job if they try hard enough.

 

[Minnesota!]

I think it's horrible to think that stay at home parents don't do anything all day, being a stay at home parent is the hardest job anyone person could do.

Could not disagree more.

 

[RitaE]

I'm going to vote Coal Miner for the hardest job. Bad wages, health risks, and it'd be Hades on my claustrophobia issues.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

I'm going to vote Coal Miner for the hardest job. Bad wages, health risks, and it'd be Hades on my claustrophobia issues.

Pork processing factory! I read this LONG article once of how workers were getting seiously ill by breathing vaporized pig brain fumes. Not sure if there was a bacteria involved or what, but something, somehow was attacking their nervous system when they would breathe in the vapors. Definitely could handle everything I did as a mother, working or stayiing home or any variation thereof, over THAT!

 

[NHdisneylover]

I wasn’t going to touch this thread with a ten foot pole. But I do have two sincere questions for SAHPs:

1. Do you have assets in your own name? Or is your spouse putting away some retirement funds for you as well? Is this something you ever worry about? If the only working parent died or took off, would you be ok financially?

2. How will you define yourself once the kids leave the nest? Hands-on responsibility to your kid is *supposed* to last 18 years, though seems to be getting stretched out these days. Kids keep us all very busy, and that is the ‘now’ of life. But once the cooking, cleaning, and carting is done – what do you see yourself doing?

These are just things I’ve always been genuinely curious about, if anyone cares to share.

1. assets are all in both of our names. DH also has a good life insurance policy which would at least allow me to fully pay off the house and have another couple of years of our full income remaining (plus the 401K, our retirement fund in Germany, etc). So, no I do not really worry.

2. Personally, I have never defined myself as just a mother. I currently do a lot to support DH in his career, I volunteer with Girl Scouts and more recently also with the local refugee population, and i just started taking a yoga class on Monday mornings (that is all for ME!). DD18 is in college now--back in the US and DS16 has a year and a half of highschool left. I have toyed with the idea of working again, but the way tax laws are structured here, I would have to earn at least 50% of what DH does to actually have money left after our tax bracket went up, and having been a teacher 20 years ago in the US does not give me anywhere near that earning potential here in Germany.

So, our plans are that we have recently bought into a condo being built and will move into a little 2 bedroom penthouse that we can easily leave empty (or, DS might live at home and do an internship here in Germany, so then he would be there to take care of it) and I will tag along with DH on his work travel (which is 80 to 90%). His boss is aware that in two years he can send DH on longer 1-6 month projects and DH will be fine with that as I can go along--and eve n if the projects stay at the typical one week range, well, I am happy exploring new places on my own in the daytimes and if he needs to go to a business dinner I do not mind eating alone either--I do it all the time now anyway--and at least we'll have our nights and some evenings when he does not need to go to a business dinner. I tag along on a handful of trips in a year now, and we both enjoy it. (then I WILL have mostly that "eating bon bons all day" life style--YAY me!)

 

[DawnM]

I wasn’t going to touch this thread with a ten foot pole. But I do have two sincere questions for SAHPs:

1. Do you have assets in your own name? Or is your spouse putting away some retirement funds for you as well? Is this something you ever worry about? If the only working parent died or took off, would you be ok financially?

2. How will you define yourself once the kids leave the nest? Hands-on responsibility to your kid is *supposed* to last 18 years, though seems to be getting stretched out these days. Kids keep us all very busy, and that is the ‘now’ of life. But once the cooking, cleaning, and carting is done – what do you see yourself doing?

These are just things I’ve always been genuinely curious about, if anyone cares to share.

I may not fit this category as I worked for 17 years prior to being a SAHM, so I have retirement in my name already. I also plan to go back to work and work another 15 or so years, so I will have more retirement then.

However, even if I weren't going back to work, our money is OUR money, including retirement and assets. I always tell my husband, "What is yours is mine and what is mine is mine." (just kidding, mostly!)

 

[mefordis]

Same here. My dh laughs about it. He says I control all of the money, even though he makes all of it!

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I'm going to vote Coal Miner for the hardest job. Bad wages, health risks, and it'd be Hades on my claustrophobia issues.

Ohhh, that's a good one. Police officer in a large urban area, maybe? Firefighter? Military?

 

[Skywalker]

being a stay at home parent is the hardest job anyone person could do.

I totally disagree with that too. I was a stay at home parent for years...it was not hard. In fact, it was the most natural, easy thing in the world. Parenting my kids and running the household was just normal life. To me, it is much harder having to do all the same things with the added stress and time challenges of a job outside the home.

 

[ronandannette]

I wasn’t going to touch this thread with a ten foot pole. But I do have two sincere questions for SAHPs:

1. Do you have assets in your own name? Or is your spouse putting away some retirement funds for you as well? Is this something you ever worry about? If the only working parent died or took off, would you be ok financially?

2. How will you define yourself once the kids leave the nest? Hands-on responsibility to your kid is *supposed* to last 18 years, though seems to be getting stretched out these days. Kids keep us all very busy, and that is the ‘now’ of life. But once the cooking, cleaning, and carting is done – what do you see yourself doing?

These are just things I’ve always been genuinely curious about, if anyone cares to share.

1. When I was a housewife (not a pejorative term in my mind) almost all of our assets were held in my DH's company, in his name only, with the exception of our personal joint bank accounts. He had RRSPs (similar to your 401Ks) while I did not, as that was beneficial to our tax situation at the time. How would I have managed if he died? Pretty well thanks to the inheritance of all his assets and a life insurance policy. As far as us separating? Never thought about it for a single second; wasn't going to happen. I wasn't dependant on him; we were interdependent and still are. We sink or swim together and when he suffered a massive reversal of fortune, we both lost everything we had. Now the tables have turned; I make the bulk of our family's income and the house is in my name only as I had to qualify alone for the mortgage. Car leases and credit cards are all mine too and our (slowly recovering) RRSPs are in my name only, again for tax purposes. If you asked him this question now, he'd give you pretty much the same answer that I have.

2. I've never "defined" myself by what I do, and if others try, at best they're only giving a description of how they observe me to be spending my time. I don't see much point to it.

 

[PrincessElena]

If someone asks what you do for a living, and you reply by saying you're a sahm, I don't think that it's a job title. To me, it means you are a parent and that you don't work. I also question why it is such a hard role to have as a PP said it is. I also question if you have older kids, whether or not it really takes 7 hours a day (each and every day) to clean and cook. What in the world are you doing that the rest of us aren't? I couldn't care less whether you're a sahm or a working mom, as everyone has a role to play in their family. I just don't agree with the logic behind it being work.

 

[bellebud]

If someone asks what you do for a living, and you reply by saying you're a sahm, I don't think that it a job title. To me, it means you are a parent and that you don't work. I also question why it is such a hard role to have as a PP said it is. I also question if you have older kids, whether or not it really takes 7 hours a day (each and every day) to clean and cook. What in the world are you doing that the rest of us aren't? I couldn't care less whether you're a sahm or a working mom, as everyone has a role to play in their family. I just don't agree with the logic behind it being work.

I tell people I don't work and I'm home with the kids (I homeschool). I definitely do not spend 7 hours a day cleaning and cooking. I have lots of downtime. I like to think of myself as 'early retired', and I love it