Stay-at-Home Parent or Unemployed?

[Wendy31]

I think of myself as a stay-at-home mom rather than unemployed. Although, technically, I supposed I am unemployed, "unemployed" to me implies that I'm looking for outside employment which I'm not.

However, I also recognize I don't necessarily do anything in my role as a SAHM that working parents don't also do. I've been both a working-outside-the-home mom & a SAHM, and, in my opinion, being a SAHM is easier.

I also homeschool our children, so that does add another "layer" to my responsibilities outside of a typical SAHM. Were we not homeschooling, I can't really imagine what I'd be doing w/ all my time during the day while the kids were at school. That would feel quite luxurious! LOL!

However, I think, even if we weren't homeschooling, I'd probably still be a SAHM. DH's job requires rotating shift work & 12 hour days. Our life is much easier w/ me not working due to his schedule & w/ me at home to kind of be a "constant" for our kids, if that makes sense. Also, if I worked a regular M-F type job w/ DH working his rotating shifts, we really wouldn't have a lot of time together as a family at all.

 

[mefordis]

To address the op who says a sahm is not a sahm but unemployed, I don't really understand why it matters if anyone is employed or not. A person is not their job. As as parent who does not currently hold down a job, if someone asks me what I do for a living (which no one ever does because in my town the majority of moms are a sahm. If anything they would ask if I work to which i would say no.) I might say I am a sahm, just to explain that I have kids and I am not employed. Answering that I"m unemployed sounds weird. Like I"m looking for work but cannot find any, which I am not.

 

[wvjules]

I can't remember the last time I asked, or have been asked, what I do for a living. It's all a mute point anyway.

 

[emma'smom]

Want to stay home...stay home! Want to work...work! But as a working mom, I have to say I do all the things the OP listed. For a long time we didn't have family near us---so we made friends! You just work it out-we share carpool among different families in the neighborhood. Practices, clubs---we do all that! I even run some of them and am at the sidelines/back of the room with other moms for many.

You just put it on the schedule and make the pieces fit together. Sometimes I take care of email/computer work during practices, sometimes I toss dinner in a crock pot in the morning or make good use of the oven timer. Sometimes I pick up my friend's kids and sometimes I text one of them and say "Can you my daughter at the end of practice and drop her at home?" Sometimes I'm the mom bringing the Starbucks for the other moms and sometimes I'm the one to gratefully suck down a coffee that another mom had waiting for me when I made it to the sidelines.....

My point---it can be done! It's done every day.....and the "village" is a crazy, wonderful group to rely on!

 

[PollyannaMom]

I think choice is key. If you love your job and feel like you make a real difference, working is probably going to feel "easier" and more satisfying than staying home. If you're a SAHM because it affords the lifestyle and level of hands-on involvement you want for your kids, it is going to be "easier" than working. But if you're working strictly because you need the money but would rather be at home, or if you're a SAHM because your paycheck doesn't cover childcare but would rather be working, that same role is going to feel much more difficult than if you'd chosen it freely.

This is a really good point. The feeling of control over your life is huge!

... DH's job requires rotating shift work & 12 hour days. Our life is much easier w/ me not working due to his schedule & w/ me at home to kind of be a "constant" for our kids, if that makes sense. Also, if I worked a regular M-F type job w/ DH working his rotating shifts, we really wouldn't have a lot of time together as a family at all.

I agree this kind of thing is an important factor in the decision.

My point---it can be done! It's done every day.....and the "village" is a crazy, wonderful group to rely on!

But just because it can be done, shouldn't mean everyone has to do it. (Heck, I could live for two days without water, but I'd never do it on purpose.) I think if you need to work, or even if you just want to, you can certainly still do a good job as a parent! But SAHPs can also do a good job - and if they choose a calmer life, that's valid too.

 

[mom2AidanAndEli]

Okay, for all the posters saying "You just do it. I work all day and still do all those things." I get it when it's stuff that happens at dinner time or later. Totally get that. We spend our evenings running around like crazy too.

But how do you handle after school activities? Just curious. I know there are ways. But it doesn't seem as simple as, "oh, it all works fine, no problem, everyone gets where they need." How?

So kids have school sports, clubs, other activities that happen after school. So that means they're done anywhere from 2:30 - 4:30. No buses at that hour. No public transportation. No family to rely on. Yes, the high schooler can walk home the 1 mile, but I don't want to see him doing that in the dead of winter or pouring rain. The middle schooler would have to walk 2 miles--same thing. (And my kids are by no means "snowflakes" but it seems unreasonable to expect a 12-year-old to walk two miles in snow, with no cleared sidewalks, down a busy road, carrying a backpack that weighs as much as he does. Maybe that's just me.)

How do you kids do those after school activities? Are you relying on parents who are home to bring your kids home too? I share rides all the time with many friends in the town. And we always jump in to help one another when needed. But I'd never ask other parents to pick up my kids every single time. That's my responsibility.

I'm not trying to justify. I'm not saying one is right or wrong. I'm genuinely curious about how people make it work.

 

[Christine]

Okay, for all the posters saying "You just do it. I work all day and still do all those things." I get it when it's stuff that happens at dinner time or later. Totally get that. We spend our evenings running around like crazy too.

But how do you handle after school activities? Just curious. I know there are ways. But it doesn't seem as simple as, "oh, it all works fine, no problem, everyone gets where they need." How?

So kids have school sports, clubs, other activities that happen after school. So that means they're done anywhere from 2:30 - 4:30. No buses at that hour. No public transportation. No family to rely on. Yes, the high schooler can walk home the 1 mile, but I don't want to see him doing that in the dead of winter or pouring rain. The middle schooler would have to walk 2 miles--same thing. (And my kids are by no means "snowflakes" but it seems unreasonable to expect a 12-year-old to walk two miles in snow, with no cleared sidewalks, down a busy road, carrying a backpack that weighs as much as he does. Maybe that's just me.)

How do you kids do those after school activities? Are you relying on parents who are home to bring your kids home too? I share rides all the time with many friends in the town. And we always jump in to help one another when needed. But I'd never ask other parents to pick up my kids every single time. That's my responsibility.

I'm not trying to justify. I'm not saying one is right or wrong. I'm genuinely curious about how people make it work.

In my case, I worked early hours. Both my husband and I did this just because of after school activities. We both work from 6AM - 2:30. Even with a commute we were always home in time to either get one of the kids somewhere, or if the activity happened right after school, we were able to pick them up when it was done. *Most* working parents in my circle have great flexibility.

 

[tzolkin]

In my case, I worked early hours. Both my husband and I did this just because of after school activities. We both work from 6AM - 2:30. Even with a commute we were always home in time to either get one of the kids somewhere, or if the activity happened right after school, we were able to pick them up when it was done. *Most* working parents in my circle have great flexibility.

At my previous job, I had tons of flexibility but that is not the case for most people I knew. For some, the employer just refuses to allow for family life and for others (like DH) it's just not possible. He has worked in an OR all of our marriage. If they were in the middle of surgery, he would just have to stay until it was done. It made no difference if our kids were waiting somewhere to be picked up. He could request to leave early (or even on time) on a certain day, but that was not a guarantee that would happen. Had I not been able to find a job as flexible as the one I had, I would not have been able to work.

I'm believe the OP is specifically asking parents who work jobs with little to no flexibility who do not get home until 6pm or later how they manage after school activities. I would think you would have three options: find someone else to take/pick them up, limit the activities your child can do to ones later in the evening, or figure out a way for one parent to not work (or work part time).

 

[mickeyboat]

DH is home from work by 4:00 and I am home by 4:30. Our kids might have to wait a short while for us to pick them up from an after school activity, but not long as school doesn't get out until 2:45. If they don't want to wait, they can walk home. Sometimes a friend's mom will bring them home. They are almost old enough to get a ride home with a friend.

I guess we are fortunate that most of our kids' activities are scheduled so that most kids are able to attend - before school, later in the evenings, after school but before the bus leaves to take them home, during their H block in the middle of the school day (my kids are in high school).

When the kids were small, they went to after school care which was held at their school. So if there was an activity that happened after school, they could go to the activity and then to after care.

It really has not been that difficult.

 

[Christine]

I'm believe the OP is specifically asking parents who work jobs with little to no flexibility who do not get home until 6pm or later how they manage after school activities. I would think you would have three options: find someone else to take/pick them up, limit the activities your child can do to ones later in the evening, or figure out a way for one parent to not work (or work part time).

I agree. That would be a very tough situation if BOTH parents had inflexible jobs. I can't say, in all my years of parenting, that I ever ran across parents of my kids' friends that did not have some sort of flexibility. There may have been ONE parent that had none, but the other parent usually did. I would assume that if both parents had rigid schedules, there would be a definite sacrifice of the kids getting to do extracurriculars.

 

[scoutie]

But how do you handle after school activities? Just curious. I know there are ways. But it doesn't seem as simple as, "oh, it all works fine, no problem, everyone gets where they need." How?][/

I'm a teacher, so I am home before my kids get off of the bus, so I'm able to take all kids where they need to be. Even if I wasn't, though, my husband job has some flexibility. Even though he usually doesn't get home until 5:30, on Wednesdays he coaches our son's baseball team, so he is able to work through lunch and leave an hour earlier to make the practices. My daughter has gymnastics from 5:00-6:30, so I'm in charge of drop off and pick up. On Sundays, I take a SAHM's daughter to dance along with mine. In return, she's the Brownie leader and takes my daughter when there are meetings, because she's going there anyway. Getting kids where they need to go is really a non-issue. I have three kids, and only once have activities met right after school, and then I'm always home in time to pick them up anyway. Not everybody works 8-6. I have only needed help from the SAHMs in my neighborhood once this year, and it is during parent/teacher conferences ( I'm paying her, but if I'm being honest, her kids are at my house two hours each day after school, so a child-care trade would have worked). If she couldn't help, my husband would take half of a vacation day, if that wasn't a possibility, I would hire a babysitter. As others have said, usually one parent's job has flexibility....and often both do.

Today, I was able to be at one of my kid's Halloween party because I traded thirty minutes of teaching time with a coworker. When you're a parent, you make things work. Really, this is a mom problem, not just a WOHM problem. If you're a SAHM with three kids and the activities overlap, or if you have a doctor's appointment, you might have to rely on other people sometimes too. You carpool. You take turns. You do the drop off and the WOHM does the pick up. I'm friends with a SAHM with five kids and I did the majority of the carpooling during one sports season, because she just couldn't be in five places at once. No big deal.

 

[Suger Mag]

Okay, for all the posters saying "You just do it. I work all day and still do all those things." I get it when it's stuff that happens at dinner time or later. Totally get that. We spend our evenings running around like crazy too.

But how do you handle after school activities? Just curious. I know there are ways. But it doesn't seem as simple as, "oh, it all works fine, no problem, everyone gets where they need." How?

So kids have school sports, clubs, other activities that happen after school. So that means they're done anywhere from 2:30 - 4:30. No buses at that hour. No public transportation. No family to rely on. Yes, the high schooler can walk home the 1 mile, but I don't want to see him doing that in the dead of winter or pouring rain. The middle schooler would have to walk 2 miles--same thing. (And my kids are by no means "snowflakes" but it seems unreasonable to expect a 12-year-old to walk two miles in snow, with no cleared sidewalks, down a busy road, carrying a backpack that weighs as much as he does. Maybe that's just me.)

How do you kids do those after school activities? Are you relying on parents who are home to bring your kids home too? I share rides all the time with many friends in the town. And we always jump in to help one another when needed. But I'd never ask other parents to pick up my kids every single time. That's my responsibility.

I'm not trying to justify. I'm not saying one is right or wrong. I'm genuinely curious about how people make it work.

LOL it is just as simple as you just make it work. I have worked for both my kids now 14 and 20. My mom worked when I was a kid. My kids did PLENTY of afterschool activities... you pick and choose around your schedule and you pick and choose places/activities that work with your schedule. ... you look for gaps and fill time, you ask a grandmother/friend to do a pick up in a pinch... you set up a carpool where everyone shares a day. And you let a healthy kid walk a mile or two; with weather appropriate clothing, rain or snow should not be an issue... but then again I am a skier so spending time in the snow is a positive to me.

Whatever works for your family is "right" and it is not a one size fits all approach. Being a SAHM... being a part time worker... being a full time worker.

 

[Bec3b1g]

But how do you handle after school activities? Just curious. I know there are ways. But it doesn't seem as simple as, "oh, it all works fine, no problem, everyone gets where they need." How?

So kids have school sports, clubs, other activities that happen after school. So that means they're done anywhere from 2:30 - 4:30. No buses at that hour. No public transportation. No family to rely on. Yes, the high schooler can walk home the 1 mile, but I don't want to see him doing that in the dead of winter or pouring rain. The middle schooler would have to walk 2 miles--same thing. (And my kids are by no means "snowflakes" but it seems unreasonable to expect a 12-year-old to walk two miles in snow, with no cleared sidewalks, down a busy road, carrying a backpack that weighs as much as he does. Maybe that's just me.)

How do you kids do those after school activities? Are you relying on parents who are home to bring your kids home too? I share rides all the time with many friends in the town. And we always jump in to help one another when needed. But I'd never ask other parents to pick up my kids every single time. That's my responsibility.

I'm not trying to justify. I'm not saying one is right or wrong. I'm genuinely curious about how people make it work.

Super Easy. At the start of each sport/club, I find 2-4 other working parents and we figure out a carpool. I'm more than happy to drop off if someone else can pick up. Or it could be specific days or whatever works. It's really not that hard to find other parents who want to work together.

ETA to a funny story: When my boys were in middle school we carpooled to/from basketball practice. We were living in a suburb of Seattle at the time. One of the parents paid for the kids to ride the Metro bus home from practice on her carpool day. I was concerned at first since they were riding at dark and some areas of Seattle are sketchy, but the boys thought it was the best thing ever. They got so good at riding the bus that they learned how to hop off at Dick's (hamburger joint), get a transfer ticket, and catch the next bus.

 

[littleblackegg]

I still don't understand. Who exactly is telling you you have no reason to be in your own house? And why do you care? I mean, I am not in jail, but that doesn't mean I am "unincarcerated." These terms have context. For just about anyone in the US, the term "unemployed" means a person has been employed and is again seeking employment. It really doesn't have anything to do with one's home situation. Also, in the 1970's, we were taught that "all mommies work" whether they worked in the home or not. My mother's classic line was, "Did you ask if the daddy works? Maybe the mommy does all the work."

 

[mom2rtk]

So if we no longer include people who have given up looking for work as unemployed, I can't imagine how anyone would expect a SAHM to be classified as such.

 

[AlohaNow]

But how do you handle after school activities? Just curious. I know there are ways. But it doesn't seem as simple as, "oh, it all works fine, no problem, everyone gets where they need." How?

My 4th grader has after school activities and tutoring he is involved in, and he walks home when the activity ends. We live a whopping eight doors down from the elementary school. My kids aren’t latch-key kids, they are electronic garage code kids! My 7th grader has after school activities and then he takes the late bus home that is provided by the school. We are 2.1 miles from the middle school/high school campus. The middle schoolers get to take the bus, but once he starts 9th grade the radius moves out and he loses the bus. That stinks, but we will adjust when the time comes.

Last week the kids were on fall break. The 7th grader had plans to meet up with some friends at a park near his campus to play soccer. I asked him how he planned to get there and back. “God gave me legs, so I guess I’ll walk.” Correct answer, son! When he had middle school orientation for one morning the week before he started 6th grade, same thing. He rode his bike there and back.

For their non-school based activities, like soccer or lacrosse that can start at 5:00 or 6:00, I can adjust my work schedule by going in earlier on those days and leaving early. My company works a compressed work week of four 9-hour days, and we are closed on Fridays. I start work as early as 6:00 to accommodate the sports, which I don’t mind because it’s quiet then and I can get a lot done in the office. It’s not every day and it’s not all year long. You just gotta do what you gotta do!

Thanks to those who kindly answered the questions I asked regarding retirement finances and identity. Like I said, I was sincerely curious and appreciate everyone who took the time to respond.