Quitting College Athletics, Advice Needed

[disney castle days]

If you remember from the other thread, I was worried this was going to happen, from the sounds of things. (My son was fortunate to have a really cohesive team in college, so this makes me sad, and I know a bit about how it works.)

I guess you will have to decide how important all this is to you. How will you feel if you essentially get pushed off this team? Will you still want to stay where you are? With the roommate from the team and other former teammates around campus? Socially how will it be with friends? Will it cause you to feel depressed? (I imagine you feel that way already, so maybe it’s a matter of degree, ie which is worse, staying or going.)

Honestly it does sound like a toxic environment for you there with them essentially shunning you. Coach, especially, is disappointing. (DS’s coach would never have allowed this, in fact he focused on team building more than anything, which helped them all be successful.) Do you get playing time, at least?

Since there’s only a short time left in the season, you could be defiant (”Screw them!”) and try to stick it out. Swallow hard and sit by yourself. Don’t go to their stupid parties, etc. You be the one to decide when and if you’ll leave, not them, which could help you feel strong and like you’re taking your power back. Then look for a new team if you still want to play your sport. DS’s team always had a lot of transfer students come in to try out, and play. (If you made a D1 team I’m sure you’d find a spot somewhere.) This is a lot, I know, but it is an option. In life, there will be other times like this.

If you were my child I’d hate the thought of you leaving the sport under these circumstances. But we were fortunate to be surrounded by good people. (I know from reading that’s not always the case.) It’s hard to fathom that all the players on the team go along with this behavior and someone doesn’t have the guts to stand up and say this is wrong. I don’t have much respect for any of them.

But really, your well-being has to be foremost. Have you sought out counseling? There has to be counselors available at the school. I’d probably talk to them about it since they can do a whole assessment better than any of us here can with what little knowledge we have of your overall situation. How are things going with your classes?

Anyway, hugs.

I do have a therapist, whose advice was to quit, I just want more opinions because I just feel really perplexed about doing so. Other than my roommate, I don't see any of my teammates outside of practice and have a completely different friend group. My playing time keeps getting reduced because of the issues, It is not necessarily all the players, but none of them are willing to stand up to the captains so it is hard. My classes aren't too bad right now, but we are also only in the first week.

If I recall from your other thread, there were a couple of others who were also not on the group chat (I think you said that you thought it was linked to not drinking?). Are they still being excluded? Were they are the party? If they are also being excluded, maybe talk with them?

The other girls were all added within a few days of the post. They were all at the party, although two of them have already decided they are transferring at the end of the season. It seems that they are being included a bit more now because they are the top goal scorers on our team currently.

IMO I think you probably should have updated the prior thread with all this information. There's a lot of info there and can skew the advice here without the old one to go off of for information into the background.

https://www.disboards.com/threads/roommate-advice.3892751/


It does look like a good amount of us posters there thinking there was something up with the chat and team dynamics being accurate.

Is there a reason why you didn't disclose on the last thread about you being kicked out of the group chat? A lot of us I think thought you were being left out of the chat not that you had been in it but then were no longer on it as I recall you just said you were not in the chat. I don't think you told us that you had been in it last year and then just were not included in this one this year.

It is def. true that people can be awful so I say this with kindness in mind..knowing how some of the people I knew in high school who had drama who have continued to have drama there's a kernel of truth that the drama can be something they are manufacturing or continuing themselves. We're in our 30s now and I still see FB posts that read like we're 16 year olds. It's disappointing but I bring that up because to hear in that other thread about issues with your roommate and a lot of discussion about your roommates behaviors but to also hear about the team dynamics and then this new thread where you tell us you were kicked out, that your teammates aren't inviting you to events, where even your coach is shirking on the importance of addressing team stuff like ensuring there's an official chat they themselves disclose information and you've got teammates telling you you've got an attitude it seems like the "there's things not being told" is pretty accurate here.

I know you had some mental health struggles and were working on that over the summer and I genuinely sympathize there and I do think you've been open on those struggles but it seems like you're getting some big loud feedback here.

Again I say this with kindness but I don't think the issue is your roommate's perceived standoffishness. I don't think the issue is your teammates and while I do think there is unprofessionalism on your coach's part the "it's me not you"...honestly might be the answer here. There's obviously something you're giving off that is leading to so many people having an impression about you.

Would I suggest you quit the team? Yes but I would only do it because there's enough going on that suggests there's things that need to be addressed within you still. No one wants to be ostracized. "Mean girls" doesn't seem as likely anymore with the updated information. It's honestly possible that your comments are dragging down morale and that has made it so the team is just not with you. Are you wanting a lightning delay because you think it will make your team perform better if they get that break? I can see that coming across like you're jinxing it, bringing up a 0-0 game probably comes off like no one is trying hard enough when players may feel like they are busting their butts, what was the purpose in sending your teammates and article about another school talking trash about your team's effort? Are you trying to rub it in? Making comments on the sidelines isn't the issue but what you're saying I could def. see as coming across like a smart aleck and not boosting morale, ask yourself are you the team player? What role do you have on the team?

Honestly, I just couldn't find the thread when I was looking for it this morning, or I would have continued on there.

The last post was focused on my roommate. I got kicked out of the group chat last year after they got busted for a party, which is why I said I was pretty sure they didn't include me since I and the other girls excluded don't drink.

With the lightning delay, I explained it to my coaches and my captains. We were playing a school ranked number 10 in the country, and we are ranked in the bottom 5. We were on our third-string subs vs national team players, so a lightning delay would have given us 20-30 mins to get the starters rested to go back in. I apologized to the team about the article when it happened, but it is fairly normal for the players to send articles written about us to the group chat. We had been doing it the prior 2 years, but it was the first game since our old captain had graduated, and apparently, that was mainly something only she liked, which I was not aware of previously.

 

[VandVsmama]

I do have a therapist, whose advice was to quit, I just want more opinions because I just feel really perplexed about doing so. Other than my roommate, I don't see any of my teammates outside of practice and have a completely different friend group. My playing time keeps getting reduced because of the issues, It is not necessarily all the players, but none of them are willing to stand up to the captains so it is hard. My classes aren't too bad right now, but we are also only in the first week.


The other girls were all added within a few days of the post. They were all at the party, although two of them have already decided they are transferring at the end of the season. It seems that they are being included a bit more now because they are the top goal scorers on our team currently.

You should listen to the advice of your therapist. Like you mentioned in your OP, you can afford to pay for the remainder of school w/o the 5% scholarship that you have for playing this sport. It's your senior year...it's not like anybody on your team is going to be your lifelong friend at this point.

The other students on your team are being petty and acting like 13 yr old middle school girls. A true team wouldn't be excluding people from team activities like they are.

Consider this from a different point of view:
If this was a relationship with a SO (significant other, I'm not saying 'guy' because the gender of one's SO doesn't really matter for the purpose of my example), and if your SO was acting toward you like this group of girls are, what would your advice to yourself be?

Would you really be advising yourself to stick with it? Even though your SO would have made it abundantly clear at this point that he/she can't stand you, doesn't want to be around you, treats you terribly, and even convinces others to sort of gang up on you and socially ostracize you?

Of course not...because doing that (staying when everything is telling you to leave the relationship) would be foolish.

What I don't understand is how is it that if you don't play this college sport for 2 more months, then you can't play it for the rest of your entire life (you alluded to this in a previous post in this thread)? You're probably in your early 20s at this point...you have your entire life still ahead of you. We're only talking about 2 months. Let's say that your sport is soccer...go join a club team at your college for the remainder of college if you want. When you graduate and move on with your life, join a regular adult league. Trust me, when it's 20 years from now, nobody's going to care that you didn't play your sport for 2 months in college.

Quitting the team now doesn't mean that you're a quitter. It means that you're a person who values yourself, who isn't going to let other people step all over them. It means that you're a person who believes in themselves.

You're going to be just fine. Branch out and make some new friends.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I appreciate your candor by the way

Honestly, I just couldn't find the thread when I was looking for it this morning, or I would have continued on there.

Gotcha

The last post was focused on my roommate.

It was yes but it held a lot of background into things, that's all

I got kicked out of the group chat last year after they got busted for a party, which is why I said I was pretty sure they didn't include me since I and the other girls excluded don't drink.

Not drinking usually doesn't preclude you from all forms of chat, especially a team chat. I'm sure the girls talk about getting together to party on other venues likely because it's an issue with the school and the team sport (that's at least a common requirement to not party). Being excluded from a team chat, one that includes information about team practices and events is different than not wanting to include party plans with a person or persons who don't/doesn't party.

Did you bust them? Or did they think you busted them? Guilty by association with the other girls who were left out of the chat? None of that would mean you should be left out but like a few of us said on the other thread it's unprofessional for the coach not to have an official channel. However, it would act like another strike against you in the eyes of these girls.

With the lightning delay, I explained it to my coaches and my captains. We were playing a school ranked number 10 in the country, and we are ranked in the bottom 5. We were on our third-string subs vs national team players, so a lightning delay would have given us 20-30 mins to get the starters rested to go back in. I apologized to the team about the article when it happened, but it is fairly normal for the players to send articles written about us to the group chat. We had been doing it the prior 2 years, but it was the first game since our old captain had graduated, and apparently, that was mainly something only she liked, which I was not aware of previously.

It sucks sometimes when we realize we put our foots in our mouths, we're all guilty of it. The lightning one is one of those IMO. Of course doubtful you meant anything by it but an offhanded comment.

I understand you now about the article, I'm purely guessing here but it could have been taken a different way if another player had shared it like "did you see what this team said about us, well let's show them they're wrong, let's do this, we got this!" could come across like a pep talk, a way to fire everyone up. And maybe these past things it took on an entirely different view coming from you. I feel for you because you were probably just trying to do something back then and didn't realize it wasn't going to go over well.

It would appear there's not a good team dynamic with this all going down, I don't think I thought that in the prior thread other than I was worried if the roommate stuff spilled over into the team dynamic. But it really seems like the roommate stuff is not the main stuff.

I will mention though since it was brought up adult leagues are going to be the same and can actually be worse than college leagues. The reason I say that is college leagues have college protections and rules that differ often from more hobby leagues. I wouldn't discourage you from joining one in the future, that's not what I mean by bringing it up, just that don't go joining one once you graduate or a few years after expecting it to be different just because it's no longer in college. And I would def. suggesting continue working with counseling because like all of us we sometimes have to introspectively look if we oops'd and were a contributing factor. That's part of maturing and darn it if it doesn't bite at times lol.

 

[RoseGold]

Apparently, you decided to leave out the whole backstory about how you told the captain she shouldn't be captain and had mental health issues, and then said other mean things to various people. Then you are surprised the captain isn't communicating with you and your roommate doesn't want to be your friend.

I don't say this lightly, but if you are considering quitting, this is what I would consider. I would think about contacting the disability office of your school and tell them what happened and what is going on. Maybe it won't change anything for you. Or maybe it will make sure these coaches in the future actually handle communication and run this team professionally and don't leave a bunch of teenage girls acting catty and stupid. There's a bigger discussion going on about mental health and bullying and these programs (and drinking culture). Make a paper trail for the next girl. This is a school-run team. The school cares, or should care, about the way this is being handled. Or maybe it will make everything worse and you will have to quit, which sounds pretty much like where you are.

Your roommate is not required to drive you places, invite you to things, or be your friend, just because they live with you. A "best friend" who excludes you from the group chat is not your best friend.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Apparently, you decided to leave out the whole backstory about how you told the captain she shouldn't be captain and had mental health issues, and then said other mean things to various people. Then you are surprised the captain isn't communicating with you and your roommate doesn't want to be your friend.

I don't say this lightly, but if you are considering quitting, this is what I would consider. I would think about contacting the disability office of your school and tell them what happened and what is going on. Maybe it won't change anything for you. Or maybe it will make sure these coaches in the future actually handle communication and run this team professionally and don't leave a bunch of teenage girls acting catty and stupid. There's a bigger discussion going on about mental health and bullying and these programs (and drinking culture). Make a paper trail for the next girl. This is a school-run team. The school cares, or should care, about the way this is being handled. Or maybe it will make everything worse and you will have to quit, which sounds pretty much like where you are.

Your roommate is not required to drive you places, invite you to things, or be your friend, just because they live with you. A "best friend" who excludes you from the group chat is not your best friend.

Hey guys, I would like to join this thread now.

 

[Lumpy1106]

I didn't follow the other thread so I'll take a guess; Women's Soccer? I don't know why, couldn't even venture a guess, but I've heard SO MANY stories just like yours, all involving collegiate Women's Soccer teams. LSS - you are not alone and this is pretty common. I don't know if that helps or not.

BTW - Congrats on playing D1! That's a huge accomplishment. Don't let anyone take that away from you - even if you do walk away from the team.

 

[sam_gordon]

I didn't follow the other thread so I'll take a guess; Women's Soccer? I don't know why, couldn't even venture a guess, but I've heard SO MANY stories just like yours, all involving collegiate Women's Soccer teams. LSS - you are not alone and this is pretty common. I don't know if that helps or not.

BTW - Congrats on playing D1! That's a huge accomplishment. Don't let anyone take that away from you - even if you do walk away from the team.

Can't be. OP refenced "quarters", soccer uses "halves". Guessing Field Hockey. Which could also explain a lack of playing opportunity after college. While there are a lot of adult soccer leagues, I'm not sure how many adult field hockey teams there are.

In the other thread, OP mentioned being 19 as a rising senior in college. I understand it's possible, but that seems more the age of a freshman or sophomore. I wonder if there's a maturity difference somewhere.

 

[DLgal]

In the other thread, OP mentioned being 19 as a rising senior in college. I understand it's possible, but that seems more the age of a freshman or sophomore. I wonder if there's a maturity difference somewhere.

Hmm....

 

[dvcgirl67]

OP....no children of my own, but I do have a niece and a couple of nephews....and I'm almost 55....old enough to be your Mom. I also played Basketball and softball in college so understand how big that drama can feel. This chapter in the great scheme of things in the life ahead of you is but a teeny, tiny one. I wouldn't even see this as "quitting"....but rather closing the door on something that simply isn't working out for you any longer. You're young for a rising senior....so obviously whip smart! What a wonderful life you have in front of you. Spend it with people who respect and care for you.....you deserve much more respect than what your teammates are giving to you. Turn your back on them with your head held high.....and enjoy your senior year!

 

[PollyannaMom]

The last post was focused on my roommate. I got kicked out of the group chat last year after they got busted for a party, which is why I said I was pretty sure they didn't include me since I and the other girls excluded don't drink.

I expect they blamed you (rightly or wrongly) for them getting busted.

And it does sound to me like the team issues lead to the roommate issues, rather than the other way around.

How are things with your other roommates? (IIRC, one hadn't moved in yet when you posted before.)

 

[disneychrista]

Sounds like it is time to quit. I quit Girl Scouts in 6th grade for similar reasons, never feeling like I was part of the troop. It sucks and it hurts to not be included.

 

[sk!mom]

OP....no children of my own, but I do have a niece and a couple of nephews....and I'm almost 55....old enough to be your Mom. I also played Basketball and softball in college so understand how big that drama can feel. This chapter in the great scheme of things in the life ahead of you is but a teeny, tiny one. I wouldn't even see this as "quitting"....but rather closing the door on something that simply isn't working out for you any longer. You're young for a rising senior....so obviously whip smart! What a wonderful life you have in front of you. Spend it with people who respect and care for you.....you deserve much more respect than what your teammates are giving to you. Turn your back on them with your head held high.....and enjoy your senior year!

Completely agree. There’s quitting and then there is moving on from something that is no longer serving us.

I would encourage the OP to continue with counseling, as well. From what I read of the other thread, the OP may have some issues that contributed to the problems. Continue with counseling to help you move on and maybe learn from any part you had in the difficulties.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I do have a therapist, whose advice was to quit, I just want more opinions because I just feel really perplexed about doing so.

Could you explain more about the bolded? What feelings are you having about it?

Could you also clarify your age and class year. Senior?

 

[Carol_]

You should listen to the advice of your therapist. Like you mentioned in your OP, you can afford to pay for the remainder of school w/o the 5% scholarship that you have for playing this sport. It's your senior year...it's not like anybody on your team is going to be your lifelong friend at this point.

The other students on your team are being petty and acting like 13 yr old middle school girls. A true team wouldn't be excluding people from team activities like they are.

Consider this from a different point of view:
If this was a relationship with a SO (significant other, I'm not saying 'guy' because the gender of one's SO doesn't really matter for the purpose of my example), and if your SO was acting toward you like this group of girls are, what would your advice to yourself be?

Would you really be advising yourself to stick with it? Even though your SO would have made it abundantly clear at this point that he/she can't stand you, doesn't want to be around you, treats you terribly, and even convinces others to sort of gang up on you and socially ostracize you?

Of course not...because doing that (staying when everything is telling you to leave the relationship) would be foolish.

What I don't understand is how is it that if you don't play this college sport for 2 more months, then you can't play it for the rest of your entire life (you alluded to this in a previous post in this thread)? You're probably in your early 20s at this point...you have your entire life still ahead of you. We're only talking about 2 months. Let's say that your sport is soccer...go join a club team at your college for the remainder of college if you want. When you graduate and move on with your life, join a regular adult league. Trust me, when it's 20 years from now, nobody's going to care that you didn't play your sport for 2 months in college.

Quitting the team now doesn't mean that you're a quitter. It means that you're a person who values yourself, who isn't going to let other people step all over them. It means that you're a person who believes in themselves.

You're going to be just fine. Branch out and make some new friends.

I was about to make the opposite argument but you convinced me you’re right so I’m gonna take my masochistic tendencies right out of here.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

For you, OP. Written by people who live in this world that you do.

https://new.berecruited.com/athlete...llege-athletes-quit-cut-or-get-asked-to-leave

 

[mjkacmom]

Completely agree. There’s quitting and then there is moving on from something that is no longer serving us.

I would encourage the OP to continue with counseling, as well. From what I read of the other thread, the OP may have some issues that contributed to the problems. Continue with counseling to help you move on and maybe learn from any part you had in the difficulties.

My son came home from college in October for mental health issues (currently medicated and in therapy), unfortunately his behavior leading up to his homecoming definitely burned some bridges (and I honestly don’t blame them), my son was moody, overconfident, grandiosity galore, depressed, aggressive with his words, mean… I have no idea what kind of mental health issues the OP had, but I don’t think my son realizes how bad his behavior was, even now.

 

[geargrinder]

I vote to stick it out. Play your sport. You don't have to be friends with your roommate or teammates. At some point, you' might regret quitting. The situation probably won't get better, but you will have the reward of seeing it all the way through.

My daughter went through a similar thing in HS Basketball. Made varsity her freshman year, the team was not kind nor made any effort to welcome her on the team. She quit after sophomore year. She wishes that she had stuck it out and had played for the love of the game. She realizes that she would have been better off ignoring the social aspect and the team personality, and just played for the love of the game (and the love of rough contact sports).

Sorry about your situation, but this close, show yourself that you can be tough and see it through. You just have to do your job on the field. You don't have to be their friend, or be who they want you to be.

 

[ronandannette]

For you, OP. Written by people who live in this world that you do.

https://new.berecruited.com/athlete...llege-athletes-quit-cut-or-get-asked-to-leave

Wow - that was quite the list but his points certainly do make sense. Interestingly, there wasn't actually anything about team dynamics/interpersonal conflict there, unless I missed it.

 

[ronandannette]

My son came home from college in October for mental health issues (currently medicated and in therapy), unfortunately his behavior leading up to his homecoming definitely burned some bridges (and I honestly don’t blame them), my son was moody, overconfident, grandiosity galore, depressed, aggressive with his words, mean… I have no idea what kind of mental health issues the OP had, but I don’t think my son realizes how bad his behavior was, even now.

Just sending and support; mom-to-mom. I understand.

 

[sk!mom]

My son came home from college in October for mental health issues (currently medicated and in therapy), unfortunately his behavior leading up to his homecoming definitely burned some bridges (and I honestly don’t blame them), my son was moody, overconfident, grandiosity galore, depressed, aggressive with his words, mean… I have no idea what kind of mental health issues the OP had, but I don’t think my son realizes how bad his behavior was, even now.

Positive thoughts for you and your son. Growing up isn’t always easy and neither is motherhood.