Quitting College Athletics, Advice Needed

[robinb]

I am the mother of a child who went through something very similar while on swim team as a high school senior. She was bullied and ostracized for her last year. My DD was certainly part of the problem in her HS team, her coach should have looked out for her instead of leading the charge. She stuck it out, but the price was very high for her. In retrospect, she should have stuck with her club team instead of her HS team.

From that standpoint, I would suggest that you quit.

You don't owe them anything and it seems to me that perhaps your personality doesn't mesh with elite team sports. I took a peek at some of your other posts and you had the SAME problems in this sport in high school only 2 years ago. You were bullied and ostracized by the coach and your teammates in high school and are now bullied and ostracized by a different coach and group of teammates. The common denominator is you. I'm sorry to be so harsh as I do sympathize. My DD was gutted by the way she was treated in HS but both she and I know that she contributed to the problem. She did not choose to swim in college because of her experience and the knowledge that she did not want to be put in that position again.

I would also start working with your RA to move to a different room, maybe even before the semester is over.

 

[GreatLakes]

Is this supposed to be helpful?

It's supposed to be truthful. The posts I've read here from this person make me believe they are the problem. It will only get worse if this behavior continues into a post-collegiate career.

I am the mother of a child who went through something very similar while on swim team as a high school senior. She was bullied and ostracized for her last year. My DD was certainly part of the problem in her HS team, her coach should have looked out for her instead of leading the charge. She stuck it out, but the price was very high for her. In retrospect, she should have stuck with her club team instead of her HS team.

From that standpoint, I would suggest that you quit.

You don't owe them anything and it seems to me that perhaps your personality doesn't mesh with elite team sports. I took a peek at some of your other posts and you had the SAME problems in this sport in high school only 2 years ago. You were bullied and ostracized by the coach and your teammates in high school and are now bullied and ostracized by a different coach and group of teammates. The common denominator is you. I'm sorry to be so harsh as I do sympathize. My DD was gutted by the way she was treated in HS but both she and I know that she contributed to the problem. She did not choose to swim in college because of her experience and the knowledge that she did not want to be put in that position again.

I would also start working with your RA to move to a different room, maybe even before the semester is over.

Something isn't adding up. They posted about being in high school two years ago, are 19 now, and are also a senior at a D1 school?

 

[Mle8308]

I also looked at your past posts and something is not making sense here. You posted in a different thread on 8/22/22 that you went to your HS Homecoming in 2020, so that would mean you graduated from HS in 2021. In this post, you say you are a senior in college? You did 3 years of college credits in one academic year (2021-2022)? Things are not adding up.

 

[robinb]

Thanks for sharing your story. You sound level-headed, and I’m glad it all worked out for you!

I’m going to gently disagree with the bolded. In life there are times you have to use resources to stick up for yourself, and that’s perfectly ok, as long as it’s done in good faith and through the proper channels. (In this case maybe captains first, no response, move up to coach, no response, move up to AD, etc.) There is nothing wrong with sticking up for your rights. If people think of it as “running to Mom and Dad”, then so be it. Personally, I don’t think that. On the contrary, it seems like a pretty mature thing to do to try to solve one’s own problems using proper channels and resources. The AD’s I know are stand up people and wouldn’t just sweep this under the rug. As I mentioned, there could be legalities involved in this with the school that they’re obligated to adhere to. Also the person who mentioned this to me is administrator-level at a college who was a devoted athlete himself and still maintains a working relationship with the athletic dept. He was sincere when he mentioned that as an option (as a way of helping the OP), or he wouldn’t have mentioned it. YMMV. Obviously different schools have different cultures.

In my DD's situation, the AD did nothing but support the coaches. My DD met with him twice, literally in tears (and she doesn't cry). I met with him too and got nowhere. He didn't seem to care that the coaches were targeting my DD and encouraging the team to exclude her. After being pulled from her last meet of her senior season because of a misunderstanding on the part of the assistant 24-year old "mean girl" coach, he finally agreed to tell the coaches that they couldn't pull my DD from meets/events during championship season. She made it to the HS state meet (top 24 girls in the state) and the only swimmer to make it that year. I received a form letter after the season from the head AD for the school district a couple months later about parental experiences with school ADs and he got an ear full!

 

[Mle8308]

It's supposed to be truthful. The posts I've read here from this person make me believe they are the problem. It will only get worse if this behavior continues into a post-collegiate career.



Something isn't adding up. They posted about being in high school two years ago, are 19 now, and are also a senior at a D1 school?

Posted about the same point at the same time! Again, as another poster said, 3 sides.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

In my DD's situation, the AD did nothing but support the coaches. My DD met with him twice, literally in tears (and she doesn't cry). I met with him too and got nowhere. He didn't seem to care that the coaches were targeting my DD and encouraging the team to exclude her. After being pulled from her last meet of her senior season because of a misunderstanding on the part of the assistant 24-year old "mean girl" coach, he finally agreed to tell the coaches that they couldn't pull my DD from meets/events during championship season. She made it to the HS state meet (top 24 girls in the state) and the only swimmer to make it that year. I received a form letter after the season from the head AD for the school district a couple months later about parental experiences with school ADs and he got an ear full!

I remember.

 

[robinb]

I also looked at your past posts and something is not making sense here. You posted in a different thread on 8/22/22 that you went to your HS Homecoming in 2020, so that would mean you graduated from HS in 2021. In this post, you say you are a senior in college? You did 3 years of college credits in one academic year (2021-2022)? Things are not adding up.

It's supposed to be truthful. The posts I've read here from this person make me believe they are the problem. It will only get worse if this behavior continues into a post-collegiate career.



Something isn't adding up. They posted about being in high school two years ago, are 19 now, and are also a senior at a D1 school?

It's not unheard of for certain students to start college with junior status. Between AP classes/tests and taking classes at local community colleges which count for high school credit *and* be transferred into college the OP can certainly have started college with enough credits to be considered a junior. She's obviously one smart cookie!

 

[lanejudy]

It appears OP graduated high school in 2020, and is on-track for early college graduation. I wouldn't be surprised if she took advantage of pandemic times with some college courses while still in high school. I know at least a couple of kids in our local high school who did just that.

 

[jrmasm]

Let me start by saying, I hate asking the Internet for advice, but I need some unbiased opinions, and all my friends/ family are biased.

I am going into my senior year of high school. I have been the varsity field hockey manager for the past two seasons, and i played my freshman year. I can no longer play due to tearing my meniscus 2 years ago and having a surgery that did not work.

Recently, my coach was “not rehired”, due to girls having problems with her. This coach and I were very close, and the people who got her fired bullied my best friend on the team and hated me.

The new coach, who was our JV coach and left last year due to problems with the head coach, is already ostracizing me, alomg with the other girls who were the old head coaches "favorites”. She is favoring 3 girls that were bullies and that have not been dedicated to the program.

That being said, I am considering whether it is time for me to quit.

The two main reasons I want to stay is it is my last year and my two friends are on the team, although one is also considering quitting.

The main reasons I am considering leaving is because I want to have good memories of my team and I am might be getting and internship that may conflict with the season.

I have been on a team that ostracized me and quitting to join my current team was the best decision I have ever made. It is hard to think of my senior year without playing, but it might be my time to go.

Any advice or opinions on my situation would be greatly appreciated.

 

[sam_gordon]

It's not unheard of for certain students to start college with junior status. Between AP classes/tests and taking classes at local community colleges which count for high school credit *and* be transferred into college the OP can certainly have started college with enough credits to be considered a junior. She's obviously one smart cookie!

Although they may start college as a "junior" academically, they would still be a "freshman" athletically. IIRC, athletes can compete for four out of five years. So it can take you five years to finish a degree, and you can play in any four of those. A "redshirt freshman" is probably a sophomore academically and entering their second year of college.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Hey all,

So just brief background: I'm a college senior at a division 1 school. My scholarship covers maybe 5% of my tuition, and I can afford my remaining semester without the money.

I made a post about a month ago about my roommate ignoring me and that I was having some problems with not being in my team's group chat. Well, it has gotten worse, and I am contemplating whether or not to quit.

My roommate, also my teammate, has talked to me maybe 5 times in the last month. We never drive together, she leaves before me, avoids me at practice, etc. I've tried to address it and she completely ignored it, so I am just letting her do what she wants.

I got kicked out of our team group chat last March or April and was told by everyone that it must have been my phone glitching, but was also never added back in. I was never added to the one for this season. I met with my coach about it and he said: "well I'm not in that group chat either so I can't control it." It is a group chat run by the captains to distribute information such as what we are wearing for practice, what time we have to be there, when we are eating meals, etc. Our coaches have never been in these group chats, so I feel like his response is BS. I have asked 2 of the 3 captains to add me, one said she couldn't because she didn't make it and the other one outright ignored me.

Last week we had a team pasta party (coaches were invited but didn't go). I was the only one not invited. At points, my teammates would be discussing it directly in front of me and just pretend I wasn't there. I knew when/where it was, so theoretically I could have just showed up but I figured this would only make it worse. I brought this up to my coach and he basically said it wasn't a "team" party because it was at some of the players' houses, not on school property. This is also BS cause we have had team events at their house before, and the coaches were invited.

During the pasta party, I got a message from one of our captains that they had gotten complaints about my attitude on the field during the prior game, and that they did not need or want my attitude on their team. Now yes, I can be a little snarky, I am not going to even deny that. But we were 0-0 at halftime, and I was genuinely impressed, so I know I didn't say anything outright mean during that half. I didn't say anything during half-time. During the 3rd quarter, I made a joke or two about us getting lightning delayed because the lightning was 1.2 miles away from when we had to delay the game. I am assuming that was what was taken wrong. And during the 4th quarter I fainted from dehydration, so definitely did not say anything then. When I asked the captain for a specific example, she brought up something that happened last year, because I sent them an article that another school had published about us saying we had given up on the field. Once again, I also brought this up to my coach and he basically said that the girls don't like when I make comments on the sidelines. Mind you the captain that texted me this, came off the field cursing everyone out the very next day, and also screamed at everyone in the game after that.

This past weekend we had an away trip. I was in a room by myself, which to be fair I was told about before we went. We normally all double, but we have an odd number this year. We went to dinner at a restaurant that had 4 booths and 3 tables for us to sit in. Everyone squeezed into 3 booths and 1 table, and there were no seats left for me, so I had to sit by myself. My coach very clearly saw this, because he talked to the table next to me and then looked at me and walked away. The manager of the restaurant wound up grabbing a chair and making room at the one table, so I could sit with the team.

So I have reached the point where I don't know if it is worth it to be on the team anymore. I only have 56 days left until the end of the season, so a part of me wants to try to stick it out because I love the sport and I will never get it back if I quit. But the other side of me doesn't think it is worth it anymore considering all the problems I have already had and we are only a month in.

And before anyone asks, escalating to a higher admin will do nothing, we have had 5 kids quit in the time I have been here and the admin sweeps everything under the rug.

Look, don't beat yourself up over this, to me I hear tinges of self blame and despair so pull yourself up and out of that, don't let those teammates take up residence in your head. If you can't block them out there is zero wrong with walking away, this is not on you. There is a decent chance you just stumbled into the web of a bunch of bullies. Sadly, you had a lot of trauma to deal with last year and got tagged by at least a few who decided to be monsters. It won't be the last time you stumble into these sorts so learn what you can to recognize it faster next time around at work or in a social group. It sounds like you play a lot so it could be jealousy at the root, a desire of failing players or even coaches to deflect blame onto you or it can just be plain mean girl garbage on the field. To keep it in perspective, when you are in with this sort and end up the focal point there is no right way to be or right thing to say, whatever you do or say will be torn to shreds because this is just what these people do and the mob just follows because as long as it's you, it's not them. From what you say I doubt this will turn around for you so you really need to make a choice on how important being on the team is to you because that is all it is, there probably won't be laughs or fun. If you stay it will be a tough chore and you will need coping strategies for these sorts of meal situations and such, as for the team chats try to decide if you can work around the void, with uniforms just take both to each game.

These people will probably continue to be awful so you really just have to pick your poison, either sort out ways to manage not being included or sort out leaving. I will say that you can always decide to leave, so once you have given yourself permission to quit it really does just get easier to endure nonsense because the control is back in your own hands. Our minds seem to be funny that way and often we can see a thing through with a ton less effort after deciding we can opt out at any time.

Make sure you see a school employed counselor to protect yourself if this escalates in some unforeseen way. I see you said you have your own, which is great, but I stand by my initial suggestion that in house advocacy is your best defense. Most schools have a walkin, I would strongly encourage you do this.

 

[sam_gordon]

Let me start by saying, I hate asking the Internet for advice, but I need some unbiased opinions, and all my friends/ family are biased.

I am going into my senior year of high school. I have been the varsity field hockey manager for the past two seasons, and i played my freshman year. I can no longer play due to tearing my meniscus 2 years ago and having a surgery that did not work.

Recently, my coach was “not rehired”, due to girls having problems with her. This coach and I were very close, and the people who got her fired bullied my best friend on the team and hated me.

The new coach, who was our JV coach and left last year due to problems with the head coach, is already ostracizing me, alomg with the other girls who were the old head coaches "favorites”. She is favoring 3 girls that were bullies and that have not been dedicated to the program.

That being said, I am considering whether it is time for me to quit.

The two main reasons I want to stay is it is my last year and my two friends are on the team, although one is also considering quitting.

The main reasons I am considering leaving is because I want to have good memories of my team and I am might be getting and internship that may conflict with the season.

I have been on a team that ostracized me and quitting to join my current team was the best decision I have ever made. It is hard to think of my senior year without playing, but it might be my time to go.

Any advice or opinions on my situation would be greatly appreciated.

First, it would be nice to provide the link to this (I'm assuming this is from the OP).

Second, let me get this right (based on the next to last paragraph)...
OP was on a team that ostracized her, she quit, and joined the "current team" (the HS team?)
The high school team (including the coach) was ostracizing her (at the time of this post), enough she's considering quitting.
She apparently gets on a college team, which ostracized her last year AND this year (based on this thread).

So that's THREE teams that have ostracized her?

 

[robinb]

Although they may start college as a "junior" academically, they would still be a "freshman" athletically. IIRC, athletes can compete for four out of five years. So it can take you five years to finish a degree, and you can play in any four of those. A "redshirt freshman" is probably a sophomore academically and entering their second year of college.

You're right, but she's still a senior now and will graduate next year. She could still play in graduate school if she wanted and in that case I would recommend that she consider sticking it out as long as it's at another school.

FWIW, I do believe that undergraduate athletes were given another year of eligibility (from 4 to 5) due to covid.

 

[jrmasm]

First, it would be nice to provide the link to this (I'm assuming this is from the OP).

Second, let me get this right (based on the next to last paragraph)...
OP was on a team that ostracized her, she quit, and joined the "current team" (the HS team?)
The high school team (including the coach) was ostracizing her (at the time of this post), enough she's considering quitting.
She apparently gets on a college team, which ostracized her last year AND this year (based on this thread).

So that's THREE teams that have ostracized her?

https://www.disboards.com/threads/quitting-a-high-school-sport-need-advice.3736659/#post-60308170

 

[jrmasm]

I do have a therapist, whose advice was to quit, I just want more opinions because I just feel really perplexed about doing so. Other than my roommate, I don't see any of my teammates outside of practice and have a completely different friend group. My playing time keeps getting reduced because of the issues, It is not necessarily all the players, but none of them are willing to stand up to the captains so it is hard. My classes aren't too bad right now, but we are also only in the first week.


The other girls were all added within a few days of the post. They were all at the party, although two of them have already decided they are transferring at the end of the season. It seems that they are being included a bit more now because they are the top goal scorers on our team currently.


Honestly, I just couldn't find the thread when I was looking for it this morning, or I would have continued on there.

The last post was focused on my roommate. I got kicked out of the group chat last year after they got busted for a party, which is why I said I was pretty sure they didn't include me since I and the other girls excluded don't drink.

With the lightning delay, I explained it to my coaches and my captains. We were playing a school ranked number 10 in the country, and we are ranked in the bottom 5. We were on our third-string subs vs national team players, so a lightning delay would have given us 20-30 mins to get the starters rested to go back in. I apologized to the team about the article when it happened, but it is fairly normal for the players to send articles written about us to the group chat. We had been doing it the prior 2 years, but it was the first game since our old captain had graduated, and apparently, that was mainly something only she liked, which I was not aware of previously.

From this thread post #21

 

[QueenIsabella]

Someone recruited as a D1, scholarship athlete would NOT be encouraged to graduate early--the school would want 4 (or 5) years of play from them.

As an aside, 3 of my 4 kids took college level courses in HS. None had/have plans to graduate early--our goal is to give them room in their schedule for more electives, a double major, a semester abroad. And around here, the "early college" high schools require the students to focus solely on academics--they don't have sports or extracurriculars (no drama club, no yearbook, no prom). And kids are told (warned?) up-front that, if you choose that route, forget about your outside activities--Scouts, dance, orchestra. That's why my kids didn't choose that route (they do AP, IB, and dual enrollment, depending on the child in question).

I'm calling troll.

 

[GreatLakes]

First, it would be nice to provide the link to this (I'm assuming this is from the OP).

Second, let me get this right (based on the next to last paragraph)...
OP was on a team that ostracized her, she quit, and joined the "current team" (the HS team?)
The high school team (including the coach) was ostracizing her (at the time of this post), enough she's considering quitting.
She apparently gets on a college team, which ostracized her last year AND this year (based on this thread).

So that's THREE teams that have ostracized her?

I stand by the post I made up thread. There is one common denominator here.

 

[jrmasm]

I stand by the post I made up thread. There is one common denominator here.

I'd like to see the posters that called the fake teammates names such as witches etc come back...

 

[Allison]

Am I understanding this correctly, you played one year as a freshman in high school, could no longer play the sport because of an injury, but became a college division I athlete for 3 years?

 

[lanejudy]

And around here, the "early college" high schools require the students to focus solely on academics--they don't have sports or extracurriculars (no drama club, no yearbook, no prom).

I don't think we have any "early college high schools" around here. All high school students are allowed to do dual enrollment, and many take AP classes. In addition, I know of several who took one or more college courses during the pandemic when many high schools were not meeting in-person full-time. One student I know graduated a year early from high school last year, and absolutely did participate in extra-curricular activities for all 3 years -- drama club, band, chorus and figure skating. Knowing this person as I do, they not only graduated high school early but also carried more than a year of college credits into their "freshman" year this fall. So it is entirely possible -- the pandemic opened an opportunity for considerable online learning for those with the ambition and ability. Probably very unique to that time period and not as easily accomplished now that schools are back in-person.