Quitting College Athletics, Advice Needed

[sam_gordon]

For you, OP. Written by people who live in this world that you do.

https://new.berecruited.com/athlete...llege-athletes-quit-cut-or-get-asked-to-leave

That is a great article.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Wow - that was quite the list but his points certainly do make sense. Interestingly, there wasn't actually anything about team dynamics/interpersonal conflict there, unless I missed it.

I think there were a couple, but my point to the OP was going to be that, I don’t see anything there are all about being pushed off the team by a bunch of little witches. Especially in senior year with just a few weeks to go! And that’s because I think it’s pretty unheard of! OP has earned the right to enjoy senior allocades and the knowledge that she saw it though, even when it got pretty rough. She can be the bigger person. And I think that knowledge will pay off for her. I fear that she will come to regret quitting at this point, later, down the road, as others have mentioned. Just my $.02. The best outcome would be that her team comes around AND she gets to finish, though I’m not sure it will happen. I am hoping for it though. If they don’t come around, she can still be proud of the fact that she saw it through, and that will help her self-esteem. She doesn’t feel right about leaving, herself.

 

[pigletliz]

If the therapist is suggesting that you leave the team, there must be a valid reason. If you made "not so snarky" comments to your teammates during games AND your roommate is avoiding you, could it be they have all just decided to not engage? I don't think people completely ignore teammates over one comment unless it was a doozy. Or they told you to stop, but you didn't (intentional or unintentional). Petty, harsh and mean girl. Clearly some massive miscommunication issues. Definitely sounds too late for friendship. That ship has sailed.

The coaches should intervene for the sake of team cohesiveness and sportsmanship. Allowing this to continue is a huge distraction for everyone and has already affected your playing time. I agree with a previous poster who said the leadership is appalling. As a D1 school, they really can't afford a reputation of ostracizing players. No one wants that drama. It can be exhausting. Is there anyone who can advocate on your behalf?

Your roommate has her hands full as a pre-med student/athlete. You already said your issues at the end of last year were extremely stressful for her. She has been very clear. Let her be.

I would ask my daughter how badly she wants to play and to be honest with herself about the situation. She is a never-let-them-see-you-cry person, but she has also learned to speak up on her own behalf. Staying in an unhealthy situation (mental or physical) is never good. Walking away can be a sign of strength.

Best of luck on whatever you decide.

 

[fly girl]

I could be your mom. So, I’m talking to you like I do my teenage daughter.

This is a decision only you can make. The fact your counselor said to quit and you still have hesitation means you do love your sport. You only have a limited time left, so sticking it out for your own sense of self accomplishment is something I feel you want.

However, if it is truly miserable and toxic for your mental health and overall well being, is it worth it? You are in a better place than last year, will finishing out the season potentially create a regression? If so, take that warning seriously.

These are questions you have to look inside of yourself to answer. No one can tell you but you.

Here’s where my “tough love” comes in…

You have to admit to your wrongdoings too. Yes, you have mentioned some - and I believe you know mistakes were made on your part. But I don’t know if you really grasp the magnitude. Being the only one excluded to this degree makes me ponder if the occurrences of snarkiness were habitual and/or if there was irreparable damage done with huge blowout(s). I honestly don’t know, but learning from this entire debacle is the best way to not repeat it in the future.

You are young. You are figuring it out. It’s ok, the best you can do is learn and grow.

Please know I’m not saying this is solely on you. It absolutely isn’t. Your coaches have failed you in that regard. But if the drama is incessant and never ending they may have just thrown the towel in defeat. Is it right for a coach to do that? No.

This situation is much more complex than we on The Dis know. But one thing is for certain, we want you to be happy. We are all in agreement that we hope you make the best decision for you.

No matter what you decide - move forward, head held high.

 

[CynBeth]

OP I am so sorry for what you are going through. I agree about sticking with it and not letting those bullies push you out. Unfortunately even when you graduate or participate in social things outside of college you could be in circumstances where there are people who act horribly whether it be at a job, place of worship, etc. Good luck!

 

[GreatLakes]

If my whole team hated me, I would have a long, hard, inward look at myself. Something major had to happen for everyone to totally ignore you. At this point, it may be futile to try and change your attitude. Seems that ship may have sailed. If I were your mom, I would tell you to quit, find a new place to live and try to start over.

This is what I was going to say. When it is all against 1 the problem is, more often than not, the 1.

I have a feeling both the team and you would be happier if you weren't involved.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

FWIW

OP I spoke to both DS and DD’s boyfriend who was also a 4 yr college athlete (and works at his college) about your situation tonight.

DS’s response: “No way would I quit!” Coach is weak. No way would his coach have allowed that. Coach’s job is to see that team is cohesive. He was shocked to hear about the dinner on the road (left to sit by yourself), being left off team texts (his actual face), and not ride-sharing for space when asked to, etc.

DD’s BF response: She needs to talk to the Athletic Director. It may also fall under Title IX as a violation (which covers fairness in women’s sports and things like hazing):

https://www.ncaa.org/sports/2014/1/27/title-ix-frequently-asked-questions.aspx

Title IX is not something I was familiar with, so good to know about. I’m sure the school doesn’t want to find out if there are issues with this team that violate these policies (so they’ll probably fix things real fast). These are the things you sometimes learn about after-the-fact that are good to know about beforehand. Regardless of what happened, you still have to be treated fairly and equitably by the team, and by extension, the school (if it’s federally funded). If whatever happened was truly egregious, you should’ve been removed from the team - but you weren’t. Seems like some people just decided to make your life difficult, and that’s not ok.

It might not hurt to check in with someone like this before you quit. I’m sure they can talk to you online.
https://www.athletedefender.com/services/college-sports-lawyer-ncaa-sports-attorney-ncaa-lawyer/

I don’t think you are being treated fairly, and (although I’m not an attorney nor do I play one on TV) you probably still have some avenues of recourse if you want to look into them. I hope you can find someone in Athletics who can support you. This does NOT look good for this school.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

This is what I was going to say. When it is all against 1 the problem is, more often than not, the 1.

I have a feeling both the team and you would be happier if you weren't involved.

View attachment 700098

Wow

 

[flyingdumbo127]

Simply wishing you, OP, peace with whatever choice you make and you have already gotten a lot of kind and wise advice.

 

[disneychrista]

This is what I was going to say. When it is all against 1 the problem is, more often than not, the 1.

I have a feeling both the team and you would be happier if you weren't involved.

View attachment 700098

Is this supposed to be helpful?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Is this supposed to be helpful?

I think sometimes people forget there are real people, who may already be hurting, behind the keyboards here.

 

[brightlined]

I'll chime in as someone who's been in this kind of situation throughout my playing career.


The thing that a lot of people don't realize when it comes to team sports is that the social dynamic frequently plays a greater role than anything that actually happens on the field. At all levels, including professional leagues. It absolutely should not be that way, but it happens more often than not. (It's frequently worse the more a team is trying to win.)

I have frequently found myself on teams where I'm one of the most-skilled players on the field, but because a key coach doesn't know me all that well (maybe the other coach or another player got me on the team) or I don't speak the same social language (I'm not really a "let's grab a beer" kind of person), I've found myself on the outside. Here we are in a key game, we're losing badly, and I've played one point. The rest of the team doesn't understand, and neither do I. (It's not like we can do any worse if I go out and play.)

Senior year of college, I found myself in that situation. I'd played really well in league play back home that summer, and was crushing it the first two weeks of practice on campus, to everyone's delight. But then the toxicity took over again - I kept finding myself on the sidelines. My last game as a college player, during our final game at Sectionals, our leadership decided they didn't want to go Regionals after all, and decided to throw me on the field as the only senior with all the freshmen who'd been sidelined for most of the season. They preceded to grab beers and heckle us as we fumbled around cluelessly (and as I desperately tried to pull something together). It was humiliating, and an experience I wouldn't wish on anyone. (The worst part was that the leadership acted like we were all friends afterward - like we were all somehow in on the "joke".)

Unfortunately, I've got a lot of stories like that.

Every time one of those seasons ended, I wished I'd quit earlier. I've always been the person who stuck it out until the end. And, honestly, it just enhances the frustration and humiliation.

It's truly a no-win situation. There is no right answer. If you stay, you'll regret the things that happened because you stayed. If you quit, there will be a part of you that misses it, and might feel like you "let them win" or gave up on a chance to prove them wrong.

The social cores of toxic teams never realize that it's their fault. The "scrubs" become the scapegoats.

In hindsight, I never actually had a chance to prove any of them wrong. If I ever earned their respect, it wasn't until I earned it on another team.


If it were me: I would play one more game, and see how you feel. If it goes poorly, take the next opportunity - away from the players - and tell the coach (quietly) that you're leaving the team. If the coach makes any attempt to keep you, hear them out. But it's like a romantic relationship - you really want them to want you, and that's what you should always be looking for - someone who's going to fight for you. (The right team will absolutely do that.) If the coach brushes you off or gives you a tepid reaction, it's not worth trying to convince them of your value.

(I will freely admit that there are very few feelings as lousy as the moment you realize that your coach doesn't care if you're there, or actively wants you gone.)

If that happens, thank the coach, confirm that you're leaving, and walk quietly. Don't confront anyone, don't explain it, just go home. It's smart and slightly evil - if the social core doesn't get a response out of you, it'll drive them nuts. It's a polite form of ghosting, too - you're informing the right person, so it's technically not ghosting. Afterward, never react negatively in their presence, or give them a explanation other than some version of "I just wasn't feeling it". ("Hope you guys are crushing it.")

If the coach does fight for you - explain what you need them to do. If nothing changes, or if they immediately do something negative (ie, call you out as the reason they're changing something), quietly leave afterward.

I gently disagree with the players who were suggesting to escalate this (ie, to the Athletic Director). The truth is - that typically doesn't fix anything, and it won't improve your standing on the team. Even if the AD steps in, the team will just look at you as an outsider who had to go to "Mom" or "Dad" to get things "straightened out". (The most likely outcome - if anything happens - is that the coach loses their job at the end of the season.)


What ended up happening to me over the years - I eventually found myself on teams that wanted me. Teams that would work around me and encourage me to do what I can do. And it was an absolute game changer - I play so much better on those teams, and it's been a delightful experience all the way around. I know now which teams to bail out of.

Obviously, the big difference is that you might not be able to play this sport again. But, even if that's the case, maybe you can find something similar that gives you a better overall feeling.

I was lucky enough to do that - I picked up biking and running, and found fun folks to do those things with. My sport is now an option for me - something I want to do - rather than something that I feel like I have to prove myself to be a part of.

 

[VFL]

You are a senior with only 56 days left. Your mental health is far more important than continuing with this team. I have a 17 year old who has devoted her entire life to a particular sport. This summer was the breaking point and we decided as a family she needed to take a break and stop the mental and emotional anguish she has been enduring. Best decision she has ever made as she is a much happier person now. It sounds like your team has drawn a line in the sand and your coaches aren’t willing to support you on this. As a mother, my advice would be to quit. I wish you the best regardless of your decision.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I'll chime in as someone who's been in this kind of situation throughout my playing career.


The thing that a lot of people don't realize when it comes to team sports is that the social dynamic frequently plays a greater role than anything that actually happens on the field. At all levels, including professional leagues. It absolutely should not be that way, but it happens more often than not. (It's frequently worse the more a team is trying to win.)

I have frequently found myself on teams where I'm one of the most-skilled players on the field, but because a key coach doesn't know me all that well (maybe the other coach or another player got me on the team) or I don't speak the same social language (I'm not really a "let's grab a beer" kind of person), I've found myself on the outside. Here we are in a key game, we're losing badly, and I've played one point. The rest of the team doesn't understand, and neither do I. (It's not like we can do any worse if I go out and play.)

Senior year of college, I found myself in that situation. I'd played really well in league play back home that summer, and was crushing it the first two weeks of practice on campus, to everyone's delight. But then the toxicity took over again - I kept finding myself on the sidelines. My last game as a college player, during our final game at Sectionals, our leadership decided they didn't want to go Regionals after all, and decided to throw me on the field as the only senior with all the freshmen who'd been sidelined for most of the season. They preceded to grab beers and heckle us as we fumbled around cluelessly (and as I desperately tried to pull something together). It was humiliating, and an experience I wouldn't wish on anyone. (The worst part was that the leadership acted like we were all friends afterward - like we were all somehow in on the "joke".)

Unfortunately, I've got a lot of stories like that.

Every time one of those seasons ended, I wished I'd quit earlier. I've always been the person who stuck it out until the end. And, honestly, it just enhances the frustration and humiliation.

It's truly a no-win situation. There is no right answer. If you stay, you'll regret the things that happened because you stayed. If you quit, there will be a part of you that misses it, and might feel like you "let them win" or gave up on a chance to prove them wrong.

The social cores of toxic teams never realize that it's their fault. The "scrubs" become the scapegoats.

In hindsight, I never actually had a chance to prove any of them wrong. If I ever earned their respect, it wasn't until I earned it on another team.


If it were me: I would play one more game, and see how you feel. If it goes poorly, take the next opportunity - away from the players - and tell the coach (quietly) that you're leaving the team. If the coach makes any attempt to keep you, hear them out. But it's like a romantic relationship - you really want them to want you, and that's what you should always be looking for - someone who's going to fight for you. (The right team will absolutely do that.) If the coach brushes you off or gives you a tepid reaction, it's not worth trying to convince them of your value.

(I will freely admit that there are very few feelings as lousy as the moment you realize that your coach doesn't care if you're there, or actively wants you gone.)

If that happens, thank the coach, confirm that you're leaving, and walk quietly. Don't confront anyone, don't explain it, just go home. It's smart and slightly evil - if the social core doesn't get a response out of you, it'll drive them nuts. It's a polite form of ghosting, too - you're informing the right person, so it's technically not ghosting. Afterward, never react negatively in their presence, or give them a explanation other than some version of "I just wasn't feeling it". ("Hope you guys are crushing it.")

If the coach does fight for you - explain what you need them to do. If nothing changes, or if they immediately do something negative (ie, call you out as the reason they're changing something), quietly leave afterward.

I gently disagree with the players who were suggesting to escalate this (ie, to the Athletic Director). The truth is - that typically doesn't fix anything, and it won't improve your standing on the team. Even if the AD steps in, the team will just look at you as an outsider who had to go to "Mom" or "Dad" to get things "straightened out". (The most likely outcome - if anything happens - is that the coach loses their job at the end of the season.)


What ended up happening to me over the years - I eventually found myself on teams that wanted me. Teams that would work around me and encourage me to do what I can do. And it was an absolute game changer - I play so much better on those teams, and it's been a delightful experience all the way around. I know now which teams to bail out of.

Obviously, the big difference is that you might not be able to play this sport again. But, even if that's the case, maybe you can find something similar that gives you a better overall feeling.

I was lucky enough to do that - I picked up biking and running, and found fun folks to do those things with. My sport is now an option for me - something I want to do - rather than something that I feel like I have to prove myself to be a part of.

Thanks for sharing your story. You sound level-headed, and I’m glad it all worked out for you!

I’m going to gently disagree with the bolded. In life there are times you have to use resources to stick up for yourself, and that’s perfectly ok, as long as it’s done in good faith and through the proper channels. (In this case maybe captains first, no response, move up to coach, no response, move up to AD, etc.) There is nothing wrong with sticking up for your rights. If people think of it as “running to Mom and Dad”, then so be it. Personally, I don’t think that. On the contrary, it seems like a pretty mature thing to do to try to solve one’s own problems using proper channels and resources. The AD’s I know are stand up people and wouldn’t just sweep this under the rug. As I mentioned, there could be legalities involved in this with the school that they’re obligated to adhere to. Also the person who mentioned this to me is administrator-level at a college who was a devoted athlete himself and still maintains a working relationship with the athletic dept. He was sincere when he mentioned that as an option (as a way of helping the OP), or he wouldn’t have mentioned it. YMMV. Obviously different schools have different cultures.

 

[brightlined]

I’m going to gently disagree with the bolded. In life there are times you have to use resources to stick up for yourself, and that’s perfectly ok, as long as it’s done in good faith and through the proper channels. (In this case maybe captains first, no response, move up to coach, no response, move up to AD, etc.) There is nothing wrong with sticking up for your rights. If people think of it as “running to Mom and Dad”, then so be it. Personally, I don’t think that. On the contrary, it seems like a pretty mature thing to do to try to solve one’s own problems using proper channels and resources. The AD’s I know are stand up people and wouldn’t just sweep this under the rug. As I mentioned, there could be legalities involved in this with the school that they’re obligated to adhere to. Also the person who mentioned this to me is administrator-level at a college who was a devoted athlete himself and still maintains a working relationship with the athletic dept. He was sincere when he mentioned that as an option (as a way of helping the OP), or he wouldn’t have mentioned it. YMMV. Obviously different schools have different cultures.

I agree with a lot of what you said here - especially about following up the chain.

The disagreement (and it's gentle) is really about the practicality of the outcome as a player. No matter what the AD can do, that toxic brew will still be there. Everything that's happening on the field will still be happening - they won't look at her any differently as a player. They really need a different coach to solve that, and that's not going to happen in 56 days.

It's a little bit like winning a wrongful termination lawsuit. Even if someone gets their job back, it's statistically unlikely that they'll stay at the job for any length of time because the environment won't be any different. (And somebody there is going to be upset that they lost.)

I'll say this - if I did go to the AD, it would only be after I was done. I wouldn't go back to the team after that. And I would only do that if I felt like there would be a benefit to the school or to the remaining players.

It's different if you know the AD is a stand-up person. I went to high school at a prestigious private school, and it was alarming how frequently the administrators could turn a blind eye to something. It was typically much more effective to put external pressure on them, and that's usually the only time anything happened. In the times that I escalated things, I (at best) got a tepid apology.

That's honestly been the common thread of my life, both scholastically and professionally - when toxic situations happen, it's because the environment and personnel are contributing to it, including the people up the chain. I've found substantially more success (and greater peace) by simply leaving the environment for someplace healthier.

For example, I would bet that the ADs you know would already be aware that something wasn't right with this team.

Case in point:

And before anyone asks, escalating to a higher admin will do nothing, we have had 5 kids quit in the time I have been here and the admin sweeps everything under the rug.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I agree with a lot of what you said here - especially about following up the chain.

The disagreement (and it's gentle) is really about the practicality of the outcome as a player. No matter what the AD can do, that toxic brew will still be there. Everything that's happening on the field will still be happening - they won't look at her any differently as a player. They really need a different coach to solve that, and that's not going to happen in 56 days.

It's a little bit like winning a wrongful termination lawsuit. Even if someone gets their job back, it's statistically unlikely that they'll stay at the job for any length of time because the environment won't be any different. (And somebody there is going to be upset that they lost.)

I'll say this - if I did go to the AD, it would only be after I was done. I wouldn't go back to the team after that. And I would only do that if I felt like there would be a benefit to the school or to the remaining players.

It's different if you know the AD is a stand-up person. I went to high school at a prestigious private school, and it was alarming how frequently the administrators could turn a blind eye to something. It was typically much more effective to put external pressure on them, and that's usually the only time anything happened. In the times that I escalated things, I (at best) got a tepid apology.

That's honestly been the common thread of my life, both scholastically and professionally - when toxic situations happen, it's because the environment and personnel are contributing to it, including the people up the chain. I've found substantially more success (and greater peace) by simply leaving the environment for someplace healthier.

For example, I would bet that the ADs you know would already be aware that something wasn't right with this team.

Case in point:

I can agree with a lot of this, however, it wouldn’t stop me from trying, or finishing out the season on my own terms (and taking part in senior activities I’ve earned). Where would society be if no one kept trying?

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

finishing out the season on my own terms (and taking part in senior activities I’ve earned).

I think if the OP had allies on the team that wouldn't seem so bad, maybe a tad uncomfortable. But from what they've described they really don't.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think if the OP had allies on the team that wouldn't seem so bad, maybe a tad uncomfortable. But from what they've described they really don't.

She doesn’t need allies on the team. She just needs grit and determination.

 

[Lumpy1106]

It's a shame that OP is in SR year. The following advice is for anyone (or parents of said) with a year or more of eligibility left;
I'm in the process of getting DD17 recruited/finding the right college team to play WLAX next year. Maybe OPs sport is something like field hockey where there aren't a lot of options, but I can tell you that WLAX there are TONS of teams out there who are looking for passionate players. Yes, you may have to take a step back and play D2 or D3 rather than D1, or even club, but at the end of your college career who cares? Almost nobody plays any sport competitively after college. Find a program that can appreciate your talent and drive and transfer if you really don't want to quit.

 

[jrmasm]

I think it's important to remember that there are 3 sides to every story, yours, mine and the truth.