Promise rings, what do they mean?

[jrmasm]

I tend to agree with this.
A consenting monogamous relationship is a long ways from setting a wedding date, and booking a church.
And, also, IMHO, any meaningful relationship should be monogamous.

Since when does a monogamous relationship need a ring?

 

[Hikergirl]

I agree that, in general, for most all people, a ring has more meaning...
(Of course, it truly has the meaning that the wearer choses to place on it.)

But, I still would not use the word 'MARK'.
It is a piece of jewelry. Not a tattoo.
IMHO, I am getting a very negative and unnecessary connotation from the word mark that was mentioned.

If a young woman chooses to wear a ring, willingly and voluntarily and happily, then IMHO, it would not be described as a 'mark', but as a something that is accepted and represents care and commitment.

Am I seeing some anti-men reverse sexism here?

But it could mean that. None of us know this kid therefore we have no idea what the ring meant to him when he gave it to the OP's dd. There are very controlling young men out there, who would "mark" their girlfriend because she was away and could possibly meet other guys while he wasn't around.
The important thing is what the dd thinks about it, and the OP said she said its a promise to date eachother.
I guess I would wonder why my boyfriend, who I had already been dating for 2 years, gave me a ring that signified a promise to date eachother. Aren't they already dating? What would be his point in that case? If it were my dd, those are the questions I would hope she would ask herself before she agreed to wear it.

 

[robinb]

I agree that, in general, for most all people, a ring has more meaning...
(Of course, it truly has the meaning that the wearer chooses to place on it.)

But, I still would not use the word 'MARK'.
It is a piece of jewelry. Not a tattoo.
IMHO, I am getting a very negative and unnecessary connotation from the word mark that was mentioned.

If a young woman chooses to wear a ring, willingly and voluntarily and happily, then IMHO, it would not be described as a 'mark', but as a something that is accepted and represents care and commitment.

Am I seeing some anti-men reverse sexism here?

And the OP's DH saying that he thinks the BF wants to "control" her isn't very negative? I'm sorry you didn't like my terminology. Would you prefer "signal"? A ring from the BF tells the other boys to back off. That is not a bad or negative thing as long as the relationship is solid and not abusive. If the OP's DD wants to tell the boys in college that she is happily "taken", that's cool.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Since when does a monogamous relationship need a ring?

I don't believe the poster said you need a ring.

With all due respect it's no one's business why a person wears a ring or doesn't wear a ring.

I would never ask a person "hey how come you're not engaged yet, how come you're married but you don't wear a ring" or anything like that. On the flip side I wouldn't want someone to say "how come you're wearing a ring?? Geez why do you need a ring??"

I don't equate wearing a promise ring, an engagement ring, or a wedding ring with needing to. It's because I want to. And I don't go around assuming anything a person gives to someone else is because they need it.

It's perfectly fine if someone doesn't want to wear a ring and is married or engaged to be married or whatever. It's their personal decision, not mine.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

And your DH saying that he thinks the BF wants to "control" her isn't very negative? I'm sorry you didn't like my terminology. Would you prefer "signal"? A ring from the BF tells the other boys to back off. That is not a bad or negative thing as long as the relationship is solid and not abusive. If your DD wants to tell the boys in college that she is happily "taken", that's cool.

Just wondering here..Are you confusing the OP whose name is "wishesuponastar" with the poster you are quoting who is "wishing on a star"?

 

[robinb]

Just wondering here..Are you confusing the OP whose name is "wishesuponastar" with the poster you are quoting who is "wishing on a star"?

Yikes! Yes I was LOL. Too many wishing and stars in one thread .

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Yikes! Yes I was LOL. Too many wishing and stars in one thread .

No worries I've actually had to doublecheck myself here just on this thread

 

[Magpie]

Yes, "mark" as in "she's mine, don't mess with her". A signal that the young men at your college eventually got. If he just wanted to give her something nice to remember him by he would have chosen ear rings or a necklace. A ring has a lot more meaning to the giver, the wearer and those that see it on her finger.

So... what are engagement and wedding rings, then? Symbols of slavery?

And, for that matter, what exactly is inappropriate about a young woman wanting to wear a visible sign that she's not currently looking for a hook up? If she likes, she could give her boyfriend a matching promise ring for him to wear.

 

[Kellydelly]

I received a promise ring from my boyfriend 27 years ago. I was 18, he was 23. It was supposed to mean he cared enough for me to marry me some day. I got it within 3 months of our first date. I never really thought of it as a pre-engagement ring, per se. It was just a level of commitment that meant he wasn't going after anyone else. I didn't get an engagement ring until 5 yrs later. We have been married 21 years now. I don't think it means the boyfriend is trying to mark your daughter as his. He probably wants her to know he is serious, but not in a place to propose at this point. That is good because they are so young.

 

[robinb]

So... what are engagement and wedding rings, then? Symbols of slavery?

And, for that matter, what exactly is inappropriate about a young woman wanting to wear a visible sign that she's not currently looking for a hook up? If she likes, she could give her boyfriend a matching promise ring for him to wear.

I never said it was inappropriate.

 

[Disneylover99]

If my daughter received a promise ring from her boyfriend, I'd ask her if she wanted to marry him one day or if she could see a forever future with him. If she said, "I don't know." I'd tell her to give it back.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Actually from just the title, I thought this was referring to a purity ring.

I guess it's the same thing as wearing "your guy's" letterman jacket or class ring. They are "going steady", as the kids these days say.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Promise_ring

 

[lorimay]

My husband gave me a promise ring: we will be married 30 years in January.
My son-in-law gave my daughter one they will be married 9 years in February.
My son gave one to his fiance, they will be married this Spring.

Its a little ring you give with a promise for the future, its a sweet thing between 2 kids that hope for a future together some day.
Its not a crisis.

 

[buzznina]

I do not think it's any different then a "were going steady" (not we are planning to marry) ring that I gave my (now DW) way back when. I really think its the BF way of letting the guys at her college know that she is involved with someone. Some may look at as a trust issue, I look at it as a way to help prevent guys from hitting on her. Of course I think, to the majority of guys in college, it will not mean anything. I also get the feeling your husband is not a huge fan of the BF either

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhh goodness... nice to see a couple of my haters are doing well and out in prime form after I left the DIS last night!
Trying to quote, twist comments, put words in my mouth that I never came close to posting or intending.

 

[smiths02]

I have a 20 year old daughter. Rather than speculating on what a "promise ring" means or represents or indicates about their relationship being "controlling", I'd just ask her.

If your daughter wants to wear it, then she should wear it. If she doesn't want to wear it, she shouldn't wear it. If she wants to wear it on an alternative finger and announce that it's not a promise to be married at all, then she can do that. Her hand, her ring, her choice. (Presumably what it means is something she will have discussed with the man who gave it to her.)

For me, this would be a non-issue. I also wouldn't try to tell her she should "expand her relationships" while she's away at college (does your husband mean he thinks she should break up with the boyfriend and date other men?). Again, how committed she wants to be to her current love is entirely up to her.

To me, it sounds like the two of them are trying to find a way to make a long distance relationship work. And maybe it will, and maybe it won't. I wouldn't try to influence it either way.

And to your DH's point about making new friendships at school - in my opinion he is on to something there. Boyfriend coming up on the occasional weekend (or even every other weekend) is fine and good, but if it's more like every weekend, those people would miss out on things from my view as an RA to freshmen. But your DD will do what she wants to do.

She is an adult, let her handle it with her BF. The promise ring means whatever the daughter and her BF decide.

I was 18 when I got engaged. I was 20 when I got married. We've been married 14 years; we have 3 children. We both managed to be graduated from college. I was too busy with him, college, and working part-time to be really involved in campus life, which may actually have been a protective factor; I never drank to excess, never did illegal drugs, never had relationships I later regretted.

 

[jrmasm]

I don't believe the poster said you need a ring.

With all due respect it's no one's business why a person wears a ring or doesn't wear a ring.

I would never ask a person "hey how come you're not engaged yet, how come you're married but you don't wear a ring" or anything like that. On the flip side I wouldn't want someone to say "how come you're wearing a ring?? Geez why do you need a ring??"

I don't equate wearing a promise ring, an engagement ring, or a wedding ring with needing to. It's because I want to. And I don't go around assuming anything a person gives to someone else is because they need it.

It's perfectly fine if someone doesn't want to wear a ring and is married or engaged to be married or whatever. It's their personal decision, not mine.

The OP asked what people thought, on a message board. So with all due respect, the discussion was opened by the OP.

TBH in real life, I doubt I'd have an opinion on this topic simply because to my knowledge, no one I know or have know has ever had a 'promise ring' for any reason. It's simply not done.

If my daughter, who is a college student in a long term relationship, came home with a ring that she called a promise ring, I'd ask what she was smoking and tell her that IMO, a monogamous relationship is not special enough to warrant a symbol.

 

[Stacy's a freak]

As a woman, I think it's a good thing for younger women to be in a relationship and to still get hit on. Now hear me out ... I think it builds character for the young lady to have the confidence to turn down someone. She can say "no thanks" or "I'm not interested" or "I have a boyfriend", if it comes to that. So for the boyfriend to try and do this for her - to make it easier for her by putting a symbol on her finger to help her avoid possibly awkward situations - isn't helping that girl have her own voice.

If these two are happy with the arrangement, then great. But if she were my daughter, I would like her to find that confidence to be able to turn down other boys on her own two feet without the help of the boyfriend who may be miles/hours away

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I'm not a fan of promise ring AKA pre engagement rings. If it were MY 19 year old DD I wouldn't be happy. I don't think you need to be in that serious of a committed relationship at such a young age. This is coming from someone who got married a month after she turned 20.

I'm divorced and have been with my live in boyfriend for 5 years. I have no intentions of getting married again and he knows this. When I go out I get hit on and I tell him about it and we laugh together. He doesn't feel the need to mark my hand with a ring to keep men away. I can do that myself. And to be honest, a lot of men don't care about rings. I got hit on when I was married too. Some men prefer women in a relationship or married. Easier to have a one night stand, especially in college.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

As a woman, I think it's a good thing for younger women to be in a relationship and to still get hit on. Now hear me out ... I think it builds character for the young lady to have the confidence to turn down someone. She can say "no thanks" or "I'm not interested" or "I have a boyfriend", if it comes to that. So for the boyfriend to try and do this for her - to make it easier for her by putting a symbol on her finger to help her avoid possibly awkward situations - isn't helping that girl have her own voice.

If these two are happy with the arrangement, then great. But if she were my daughter, I would like her to find that confidence to be able to turn down other boys on her own two feet without the help of the boyfriend who may be miles/hours away

I agree.

Or maybe she'll go off to college and realize there's a big giant world out there and this guy isn't the one.