Promise rings, what do they mean?

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I had a promise ring given to me on the 1st anniversary of my relationship with my husband (then boyfriend). It was a promise to get married in the future.

I was 20 at that time and he was 19 at that time. We met in college.

I wore that ring for 3 1/2 years and got engaged when I was 24 and he was 23. We got married 9 months after being engaged and I was a few weeks shy of 25 and he was a few months shy of 24.

I respect other people's opinions in that they see it as a controlling, pointless thing. But to me it was one of the most special beautiful things I have ever owned. It never ever represented control. It represented committment to each other.

A 15 or 16 year old receiving a promise ring when talks of getting married soon might be a tad different. A 19 year old who has been dating the person for 2 years and where it is unknown when and if marriage is on the couple's immediate thoughts is another thing. To me that is.

Maybe it's best to talk with the daughter and her boyfriend as to what it means to them.

 

[wishesuponastar]

I believe daughter said they promise to date each other and that it wasn't an engagement.

 

[powellrj]

I got one in HS from my later to be husband. They were really popular when I was in HS. What it meant to us was we had moved pass the class ring stage, but weren't ready to be engaged. There was nothing controlling at all in them. It was really just a going steady ring.

 

[verleniahall]

A Promise ring IS a pre-engagement - it means that while they know that they aren't ready to be offically engaged, that the idea is there and they have discussed it. I had a promise ring my JR and SR year and was married by 20

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Just as a clarifier (sp?) here..a promise ring means different things to different couples though majority tend to use it as a promise to get married. That's why you'll have various responses and as the OP just stated the daughter said it was not as an pre-engagement ring (at least to her).

From Wikipedia: "is a ring given to a romantic partner to signify a commitment to a monogamous relationship, often as a precursor to an engagement ring. They can be worn on any finger, but those symbolizing pre-engagement (also known as promise-) rings are generally worn on the left ring finger; sometimes, the left middle finger or right ring finger is used instead to prevent confusion with an actual engagement ring."

From The Knot: "The definition of a promise ring varies between couples, but promise rings are widely used as a symbol of commitment. "The appeal of the promise ring is derived largely from the many meanings it can represent," says Kimberly Kanary, vice president of public relations and social media at Kay Jewelers. "While many couples use the symbol as a way to signify a future engagement, others simply wear the ring as a means of reflecting devotion to one another." As the name suggests, promise rings signify that a promise is being made, but the meaning of a promise ring differs from couple to couple. At its most essential, it symbolizes a partner's love and commitment to the relationship."

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think the last post by Wishes says it all!!!
A ring has the exact meaning that the wearer chooses to place on it.

Are some of the prev. posters actually saying that a guy should not buy a ring for a girl until it is a full wedding engagement ring? That is a huge boatload of preconceived and traditional notion.

I don't think that two adults who live apart wanting to spend time on weekends together is 'controlling' at all. (and 'controlling' is one my issues!!!)
I would have to know more about how the boyfriend is actually exerting and controlling in the relationship. I think many, many, fathers think that any influence by a young man over their precious DD is 'controlling'.

The fact the he presented the ring to his girlfriend, the DD, when her reaction ended up being as the OP described, does say a lot.

 

[Magpie]

I have a 20 year old daughter. Rather than speculating on what a "promise ring" means or represents or indicates about their relationship being "controlling", I'd just ask her.

If your daughter wants to wear it, then she should wear it. If she doesn't want to wear it, she shouldn't wear it. If she wants to wear it on an alternative finger and announce that it's not a promise to be married at all, then she can do that. Her hand, her ring, her choice. (Presumably what it means is something she will have discussed with the man who gave it to her.)

For me, this would be a non-issue. I also wouldn't try to tell her she should "expand her relationships" while she's away at college (does your husband mean he thinks she should break up with the boyfriend and date other men?). Again, how committed she wants to be to her current love is entirely up to her.

To me, it sounds like the two of them are trying to find a way to make a long distance relationship work. And maybe it will, and maybe it won't. I wouldn't try to influence it either way.

 

[Wishing on a star]

From Wikipedia: "is a ring given to a romantic partner to signify a commitment to a monogamous relationship,

I tend to agree with this.
A consenting monogamous relationship is a long ways from setting a wedding date, and booking a church.
And, also, IMHO, any meaningful relationship should be monogamous.

 

[wishesuponastar]

Oh, I don't believe that my husband has told our daughter that he thinks the boyfriend is trying to control her. I will have to check with him on that. He told me.

 

[jevs]

They mean whatever the giver and wearer want them to mean.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My DH feels that its a way for the boyfriend to control daughter who went to collegE. My DH would like to see daughter expand her friendships at college, do things with her peers instead of having boyfriend come to the college 3hours away To spend some weekends with her. Maybe its just a Dad thing that he is worrying about daughter?

Yep, it is probably a dad thing.
But, just to be honest, if he is using the words 'control', and 'expand her friendships/relationships'... and maybe having problems with these two adults spending time together on weekends... I might be wondering if this dad thing was a little more than that.

I wonder, what is his personal opinion of this young man?

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Are some of the prev. posters actually saying that I guy should not buy a ring for a girl until it is a full wedding engagement ring? That is a huge boatload of preconceived and traditional notion.

If someone wants to buy jewelry for a girl just to show their affection that's fine. Buy the jewelry. But don't make it a wishy washy promise ring.

 

[Cinderella94]

It wasn't too long ago that I was 20. My mom would just ask me what it means and that would be the end of it.

ETA: In my opinion they don't mean anything. But it's not my relationship.

 

[robinb]

DD19 received one recently from her boyfriend of 2 years. I think it means that the boyfriend is interested in marrying her someday. My DH feels that its a way for the boyfriend to control daughter who went to collegE. My DH would like to see daughter expand her friendships at college, do things with her peers instead of having boyfriend come to the college 3hours away To spend some weekends with her. Maybe its just a Dad thing that he is worrying about daughter?

I think you're both right. I think he wants to marry her eventually but he also wants to mark her as his while she's in college.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If someone wants to buy jewelry for a girl just to show their affection that's fine. Buy the jewelry. But don't make it a wishy washy promise ring.

Are you assuming that a ring, any such ring, is a 'wishy washy promise ring'.

I think the whole point of many of these posts is that you can not assume that the ring represents your own personal interpretation.
It is personal.
Promise, Commitment to the current monogamous relationship, affection, whatever.
Doesn't matter what term is used.
It means exactly what they see in it, personally.

I am sure that most (MOST) girls would resent it if they were to know that you considered the ring that they are wearing, from the guy that they probably have feelings for, to be a very very negative 'wishy washy'.

 

[Cinderella94]

And to your DH's point about making new friendships at school - in my opinion he is on to something there. Boyfriend coming up on the occasional weekend (or even every other weekend) is fine and good, but if it's more like every weekend, those people would miss out on things from my view as an RA to freshmen. But your DD will do what she wants to do.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree that with many young people who are like OCD 'young and in love', they only have eyes for their significant other.
That could be an issue that could be somewhat restricting/controlling.
But, I wouldn't just totally assume that they spend every waking moment together, excluding everyone and everything else.

If that is, indeed, the situation... yes, as a parent I might be a little concerned.

The thing is... in the end... This is a 20 year old adult, right... The father really should not be thinking along the lines of dictating, judging, controlling personal friendships/relationships.

 

[DisneyOma]

Promise rings where I grew up meant we are too young to make this official so I promise once we are old enough we'll get engaged and you promise you'll "save" yourself for me. It was like something high schoolers did.

Also weirdly dad's would give their daughters (and in some circles sons) promise rings when they made a promise for virginity in front of their church as pre-teens. It always weirded me out to promise your dad that you wouldn't have sex because G-d says not to and you'll get a pretty ring out of it to wear on your wedding ring or engagement ring finger. Again mostly girls were pressured into this but sometimes boys would do it too.

I agree - the 'promise to be pure' rings are so creepy, especially when given by a father! Kind of incestuous - "she's mine, don't mess with her".

I think you're both right. I think he wants to marry her eventually but he also wants to mark her as his while she's in college.

"Mark" her? How about give her something to remember him by? Or to show a pesky guy who won't take no for an answer? That's how I got my promise ring from my husband of 27 years.

And to your DH's point about making new friendships at school - in my opinion he is on to something there. Boyfriend coming up on the occasional weekend (or even every other weekend) is fine and good, but if it's more like every weekend, those people would miss out on things from my view as an RA to freshmen. But your DD will do what she wants to do.

My husband came home every weekend he could to see me, or I went to see him. It was about an hour's drive, two hours by torturous bus. I still made friends (and had guys bugging me to go out with them) and he made friends too.

 

[robinb]

"Mark" her? How about give her something to remember him by? Or to show a pesky guy who won't take no for an answer? That's how I got my promise ring from my husband of 27 years.

Yes, "mark" as in "she's mine, don't mess with her". A signal that the young men at your college eventually got. If he just wanted to give her something nice to remember him by he would have chosen ear rings or a necklace. A ring has a lot more meaning to the giver, the wearer and those that see it on her finger.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree that, in general, for most all people, a ring has more meaning...
(Of course, it truly has the meaning that the wearer chooses to place on it.)

But, I still would not use the word 'MARK'.
It is a piece of jewelry. Not a tattoo.
IMHO, I am getting a very negative and unnecessary connotation from the word mark that was mentioned.

If a young woman chooses to wear a ring, willingly and voluntarily and happily, then IMHO, it would not be described as a 'mark', but as a something that is accepted and represents care and commitment.

Am I seeing some anti-men reverse sexism here?