Poll: Japanese First Date

[NHdisneylover]

That isn't true. I have plenty platonic female friends. Some I never had any romantic relationship with and some I did in the past but don't any longer.

I don't think men go on dates with the intention of finding friends so I agree with that but the notion that men can't be friends with women without hoping for sex at some point is laughable.

I have several male friends myself, but none ever started out as a date that went poorly and then I said "hey let's just be friends" I can almost see it if the couple dated a while, formed a friendship as part of a relationship and that did not fizzle out when the romance part did, but being friends with a guy who wanted to date you with no real relationship of any type formed seems like a bad idea. Add in the OPs clear inability to read normal signs or convey her own wants well, and I think that is a disaster waiting to happen.

 

[CdnCarrie]

When you are in your 30's, I can think of several things that can be done after 10

I could understand being uncomfortable with an arm around your shoulder when you are a teen on your first date, but as a mature 31 year old?

.

I call bull on this. Sorry I don't care how well the date is going I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone I met THAT day touching me. Actually I may be okay with it and I may not. Depends on the date.
You can't project your feelings onto other people and tell them they should be okay with something. Just because you're okay with it doesn't make it okay with everyone.
I've had some dates where I would be VERY uncomfortable if they put their arms around me on the first date.

 

[#1hoosierfan]

That isn't true. I have plenty platonic female friends. Some I never had any romantic relationship with and some I did in the past but don't any longer. I don't think men go on dates with the intention of finding friends so I agree with that but the notion that men can't be friends with women without hoping for sex at some point is laughable.

I have lots of single (and married) guy friends, but I will dare say that if I asked the single ones if they had NOT at least thought about having sex with an attractive single woman friend they would find that laughable..... Hell probably some of the married ones too...

 

[FireDancer]

I have several male friends myself, but none ever started out as a date that went poorly and then I said "hey let's just be friends" I can almost see it if the couple dated a while, formed a friendship as part of a relationship and that did not fizzle out when the romance part did, but being friends with a guy who wanted to date you with no real relationship of any type formed seems like a bad idea. Add in the OPs clear inability to read normal signs or convey her own wants well, and I think that is a disaster waiting to happen.

True. None were one bad date to friend but I see the notion that men can't be friends with females without wanting to sleep with them mentioned from time to time as a blanket statement and just don't agree. Perhaps some men with less self-control do have that belief but that is their problem, not a reflection on men in general.

 

[robinb]

It sounds like your date was socially awkward himself. He ordered for you like a man is "supposed to", he showed you his superior knowledge (in sushi) so you could admire him, he put his arm around you like the kids do in the movies and he swooped in for a "romantic" kiss at the end. That totally sounds like someone who is not used to reading someone's social cues. In all, it sounds like you enjoyed talking geek with him and he didn't repulse you (unlike the eel ).

I'm going to buck the trend here and suggest that you give him another chance if he asks you out again. Be honest with him and let him know that you are just back in the dating scene and that you want to slow things down. The fact that you say that want to be a platonic friend means that you connected at some level. I think it's worth a shot to see if something may blossom on a second date.

 

[Liberty Belle]

It sounds like your date was socially awkward himself. He ordered for you like a man is "supposed to", he showed you his superior knowledge (in sushi) so you could admire him, he put his arm around you like the kids do in the movies and he swooped in for a "romantic" kiss at the end. That totally sounds like someone who is not used to reading someone's social cues. In all, it sounds like you enjoyed talking geek with him and he didn't repulse you (unlike the eel ).

I'm going to buck the trend here and suggest that you give him another chance if he asks you out again. Be honest with him and let him know that you are just back in the dating scene and that you want to slow things down. The fact that you say that want to be a platonic friend means that you connected at some level. I think it's worth a shot to see if something may blossom on a second date.

I agree. With two people this socially inexperienced, it might take more than a couple of dates. But, seriously OP, you need to tell him right away that you want things to move very slowly.

 

[carriemd]

I don't disagree about giving it another shot. The experience of dating is a good thing, it sounds like....but the problem you might have, OP, is retroactively setting boundaries. If you want him to keep his hands off you altogether, you're going to have to articulate (most likely passively, but still awkward) that you were uncomfortable on the first date.

 

[ChrisFL]

As a male (who's 35 and admittedly single), I think that guy was way too forward on a first date. Maybe he isn't good at dating, maybe he is being pushed too much to have children, who knows?

For someone who was not sure about trying sushi, the very LAST thing I would ever want someone to taste would be eel....sounds strange, but that would be the deal-breaker

Second or third date if things are going well, yeah, touching, hugging, a kiss, etc. is fine, but first date is just getting to know someone....waaaayyy too fast.

IMO he isn't very mature and seems like he needs to learn some manners.

 

[luvsJack]

Its kind of funny reading all the responses.

Some think he was too forward and others think she should have been prepared to have sex with him.

A whole lot of assuming from a description of a first date.

When did being over 30 = sex on the first date? Never heard that one before. And it certainly wasn't true when I was divorced (well, I was a little under 30 but still).

OP, be friends with the guy, take it as slow as you want to and see what happens. Go out again, do something fun. See how this is going to go. If he doesn't become more attractive to you, then move on to the next guy. If you continue to feel awkward with him then he isn't the guy for you.

 

[mmackeymouse]

Did that really not cross your mind or were you just playing coy here with us because honestly that is a level of nativity I would not expect out of anyone raised in the US and over about age 16.

That thought REALLY didn't cross my mind at the time. I don't think it was a naivety thing so much as my thought process went like the following. > Is he trying to prolong the date? I guess that's nice> Gosh, I'm tired and it's getting late, and I really need to get home> It's a weeknight, there isn't going to be anything to do anyway.

Now, I will admit, on the drive home, it did cross my mind for maybe half a second. I thought "Was he implying.....nooooooo." and I immediately talked myself out of it. I mean, going over to someone's place or having someone over to one's place, is awfully fast, even by standards of more experienced daters.

I call bull on this. Sorry I don't care how well the date is going I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone I met THAT day touching me. Actually I may be okay with it and I may not. Depends on the date.
You can't project your feelings onto other people and tell them they should be okay with something. Just because you're okay with it doesn't make it okay with everyone.
I've had some dates where I would be VERY uncomfortable if they put their arms around me on the first date.

Thank you for your perspective.Yes, I mean.....it wasn't an arm across the back of the chair or a light resting his hand on me. It was a very firm grasp on my shoulder. Tight. Followed by the aforementioned er, petting.

It sounds like your date was socially awkward himself. He ordered for you like a man is "supposed to", he showed you his superior knowledge (in sushi) so you could admire him, he put his arm around you like the kids do in the movies and he swooped in for a "romantic" kiss at the end. That totally sounds like someone who is not used to reading someone's social cues. In all, it sounds like you enjoyed talking geek with him and he didn't repulse you (unlike the eel ).

I'm going to buck the trend here and suggest that you give him another chance if he asks you out again. Be honest with him and let him know that you are just back in the dating scene and that you want to slow things down. The fact that you say that want to be a platonic friend means that you connected at some level. I think it's worth a shot to see if something may blossom on a second date.

This is a VERY accurate representation. Spot on.

 

[bigbabyblues]

It sounds like your date was socially awkward himself. He ordered for you like a man is "supposed to", he showed you his superior knowledge (in sushi) so you could admire him, he put his arm around you like the kids do in the movies and he swooped in for a "romantic" kiss at the end. That totally sounds like someone who is not used to reading someone's social cues. In all, it sounds like you enjoyed talking geek with him and he didn't repulse you (unlike the eel ).

I'm going to buck the trend here and suggest that you give him another chance if he asks you out again. Be honest with him and let him know that you are just back in the dating scene and that you want to slow things down. The fact that you say that want to be a platonic friend means that you connected at some level. I think it's worth a shot to see if something may blossom on a second date.

I agree with this.

As a male (who's 35 and admittedly single), I think that guy was way too forward on a first date. Maybe he isn't good at dating, maybe he is being pushed too much to have children, who knows?

For someone who was not sure about trying sushi, the very LAST thing I would ever want someone to taste would be eel....sounds strange, but that would be the deal-breaker

Second or third date if things are going well, yeah, touching, hugging, a kiss, etc. is fine, but first date is just getting to know someone....waaaayyy too fast.

IMO he isn't very mature and seems like he needs to learn some manners.

And this (except for the single male part). It sounds to me like he is inexperienced at dating and doing what he thinks men are supposed to do based on old tv shows or movies or something. I would give him another chance, but be honest with him. He can't read your mind. Tell him you aren't comfortable being touched, if you aren't. Tell him you want to order your own food. By all means, don't do the movie marathon at his place that you mentioned earlier in the thread.

 

[mmackeymouse]

As a male (who's 35 and admittedly single), I think that guy was way too forward on a first date. Maybe he isn't good at dating, maybe he is being pushed too much to have children, who knows?

For someone who was not sure about trying sushi, the very LAST thing I would ever want someone to taste would be eel....sounds strange, but that would be the deal-breaker

Second or third date if things are going well, yeah, touching, hugging, a kiss, etc. is fine, but first date is just getting to know someone....waaaayyy too fast.

IMO he isn't very mature and seems like he needs to learn some manners.

How YOU doin?

 

[Minnesota!]

It sounds like your date was socially awkward himself. He ordered for you like a man is "supposed to", he showed you his superior knowledge (in sushi) so you could admire him, he put his arm around you like the kids do in the movies and he swooped in for a "romantic" kiss at the end. That totally sounds like someone who is not used to reading someone's social cues. In all, it sounds like you enjoyed talking geek with him and he didn't repulse you (unlike the eel ).

I'm going to buck the trend here and suggest that you give him another chance if he asks you out again. Be honest with him and let him know that you are just back in the dating scene and that you want to slow things down. The fact that you say that want to be a platonic friend means that you connected at some level. I think it's worth a shot to see if something may blossom on a second date.

I agree 100%. Give him another shot or two, but speak up about what you like/do not like and how you want to proceed with "things"..

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Isn't that the point of dating? To go out with people to see how things go? For some people, maybe they are just better as friends. For other, there is romantic interest. I would like to think, if nothing else, at least I made a friend.

The point of dating is to find a romantic partner, not a platonic friend.

 

[Tinijocaro]

OP here.







He took the liberty of ordering for me, and I was very impressed by that, even though I wasn't that crazy about him being dictatorial about what I should eat. Food came. The chicken was fine. The rice was fine. I didn't eat anything else. There was also mushroom soup, a salad, a spring roll, tempura broccoli, and some sort of sushi. Then, he gave me the eel sushi. I legitimately almost threw up twice while trying to eat it. I felt myself heave two times, and I thought "Oh my God, no" At first, I tried to eat it without chewing much, but that was a bad idea, so then I had to chew it and....ick...that was a pretty bad idea too. As soon as I could get it down my throat, I reached for my water and slurped it down like I had just run a marathon through the Sahara.



Any questions?

Just in case you didn't know, the eel sushi isn't raw. It's fully cooked.

 

[Janepod]

As a male (who's 35 and admittedly single), I think that guy was way too forward on a first date. Maybe he isn't good at dating, maybe he is being pushed too much to have children, who knows?

For someone who was not sure about trying sushi, the very LAST thing I would ever want someone to taste would be eel....sounds strange, but that would be the deal-breaker

Second or third date if things are going well, yeah, touching, hugging, a kiss, etc. is fine, but first date is just getting to know someone....waaaayyy too fast.

IMO he isn't very mature and seems like he needs to learn some manners.

Eel is cooked. It's one of the less adventurous things to have when getting sushi, I think.

 

[mmackeymouse]

Just in case you didn't know, the eel sushi isn't raw. It's fully cooked.

Oh. well in THAT case...no. Still awful.


He just texted me "When can I see you again?" So I guess I will have to make a decision sooner rather than later.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Oh. well in THAT case...no. Still awful. He just texted me "When can I see you again?" So I guess I will have to make a decision sooner rather than later.

Give it another shot but you plan the date. That way you are in control from the start and can set the tone.

Very few people are "good" at first dates. Most people are nervous and trying too hard. Go again but please don't have that friend mentality in your head. You need to look for a romance not a friendship and if you're hoping too hard for a friend that is what you are going to get.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Oh. well in THAT case...no. Still awful.


He just texted me "When can I see you again?" So I guess I will have to make a decision sooner rather than later.

Okay so here's the thing..tune out everyone and their whole you need to be prepared to put out then and there. If you aren't ready or feeling the vibe, that's your answer. I don't give a damn about age or anything else. When you are ready, you are ready and frankly I don't think emotionally you are anywhere near ready for sex.

Now onto the real stuff. You don't know me from eve but it seems like you had a good vibe going with him from the way you were talking about conversation
flowing. Conversation at first can be difficult especially for two introverts or two really nervous people. You have a lot of the same interests which is great.

If my husband started talking geek, my eyes would cross and I would just smile and nod. I know nothing about that kind of stuff. We don't have a lot of the same hobbies.

I do think you need to prepared though to lay out some boundaries if you do a second date. You mentioned how do you bring that up, you just do. You don't have to talk about waiting for sex or whatever but if you aren't comfortable with the touching then you need to tell him plain and simple BECAUSE if you do not THERE WILL BE EXPECTATION OF MORE TOUCHING..... I will repeat myself again....tell him if you are comfortable or not bc THERE WILL BE EXPECTATION OF MORE TOUCHING...you got the first kiss out of the way whether you wanted it really or not. If you don't want another kiss on the date, then say it but understand that expectation is probably at least yes another kiss.

I think this is a great way to get you more comfortable and even learn to handle yourself in awkward situations like sometimes stilted conversation but you have to learn that it's not terribly romantic at first to be dating sometimes and yes some people will place more expectation on you because of your age. This is where you will learn to need to be firm and don't think what is right and proper but simply where you are in relations to comfort and enjoyment.

Right and proper is different for every person in the entire world. Don't worry about your friends and family and the DIS or anyone else. Do what is comfortable for you and only you. If you want to kiss the living daylights out of him(any him) before the date starts and he wants it, get down with it.

Trust me, respectable people do things in not so respectable time frames

 

[wvjules]

Hopefully you've answered him by now and said you would like to see him one night next week or maybe Sunday afternoon. I think making an afternoon date or weeknight leaves you options for "leaving" since you have to get ready for work the next day.

Also, don't be pushed into anything. If you don't want a kiss, or sushi, as Nancy said, "just say no".

I think you are giving the poor guy mixed signals. Go out with him. Be relaxed. Be comfortable in your own skin and have fun. Don't be all coy and shy when he touches you or insinuates something. If you don't like it say so or else how else will he know?