Poll: Japanese First Date

[mmackeymouse]

OP here.

Alright sooo

Pros: his manners were impeccable. He was attentive and a total gentleman, which I appreciated. Cons: He was a little bossy, and at times, said things that rubbed me the wrong way.

I'm a little sad, because while I found conversation over certain topics pretty easy, I don't know that just friendship is going to be a possibility with him. He was pretty explicit in his interest. And, several times made a lot of general marriage comments, which made me a little uncomfortable. "My son will wear this at all times." "No wife of mine will..." "I cannot imagine ordering my wife around..." He also mentioned he is under pressure to give his parents grandkids.

Anyway, so he was already there when I got there, and he already had a seat. When I walked in, the lady showed me to his booth. Come to find out, he actually frequented the place often, and the ladies all knew him. So, that led to some very awkward moments. At one point, the waitress tells him, "Polite girl, this one" and another one winked at him. He asked if I would want to do sushi, and I told him flat-out no. He almost seemed offended, but was just like, "Welp, you're going to try sushi." And, we argued over that for far too long, and he was not giving in so...yeah. He decided on eel. Eel! Holy moly...

So, he's giving me some guidance on what I should order. Finally, I said, "Can I just tell you what I want?" So, he asked, and I told him chicken. "And?" Just chicken, I confirmed. Well, that wasn't good enough. He wanted me to get some huge platter, a Bento Box, I think was what it was called. And, he assured me, he would eat whatever I didn't. So, I just gave in. He got himself sushi, and then two pieces of the eel sushi for us to share.

He took the liberty of ordering for me, and I was very impressed by that, even though I wasn't that crazy about him being dictatorial about what I should eat. Food came. The chicken was fine. The rice was fine. I didn't eat anything else. There was also mushroom soup, a salad, a spring roll, tempura broccoli, and some sort of sushi. Then, he gave me the eel sushi. I legitimately almost threw up twice while trying to eat it. I felt myself heave two times, and I thought "Oh my God, no" At first, I tried to eat it without chewing much, but that was a bad idea, so then I had to chew it and....ick...that was a pretty bad idea too. As soon as I could get it down my throat, I reached for my water and slurped it down like I had just run a marathon through the Sahara.

Throughout the meal, he kept touching my hand, like when making a point and even eating off my plate. I wasn't 100% comfortable with that level of familiarity, but...it is what it is. Then, when we were both full, he ended up NOT taking my extra food, and making a comment about all the food leftover. I felt a little uncomfortable about that too, but didn't apologize. He picked what I should order, and said he would eat what is leftover. He paid the bill, I thanked him politely, and we were done.

Honestly, I thought things were going pretty awkwardly, so I really thought he was going to be ready to part ways like I was, pretty much. But, he was pretty insistent on wanting to continue on. So, we decided to do a movie. He told me I looked lovely this evening, and that softened my resolve just a little.

During the movie, he felt the need to put his arm around my shoulder...which I kind of took a deep breath and just decided just to get through it. Then, he started playing with my hair and touching my neck...I was cringing on the inside, but again, just wanted to get through the movie, so I didn't say or do anything.

After the movie, it was 10 o clock, so I told him I should probably get home. He was disappointed, and kept asking "Are you sure?" I mean, duh, yeah I'm sure! What else is there to do at 10 o clock at night? Eventually, he gave up. I gave him a hug, thanked him for dinner, and I was on my way.

Wait...nope. I forgot a step.

After the hug, he said he really wanted to kiss me and asked me if he could. So, I looked down, trying to formulate in my head how to delicately say, "No, I don't think so." or "Not tonight," or something like that. So, I don't know what part of my hesitation he interpreted as "Sure, go for it," but before I could answer him, he just did it anyway. And, that was it.

He texted me afterwards to say he had a nice time. I texted him once I got home, to let him know I made it home safely, and thanked him again for dinner.

Any questions?

 

[wvjules]

He was talking about marriage, children and the future on teh first date? Irony!

 

[FireDancer]

OP here.

Alright sooo

Pros: his manners were impeccable. He was attentive and a total gentleman, which I appreciated. Cons: He was a little bossy, and at times, said things that rubbed me the wrong way.

I'm a little sad, because while I found conversation over certain topics pretty easy, I don't know that just friendship is going to be a possibility with him. He was pretty explicit in his interest. And, several times made a lot of general marriage comments, which made me a little uncomfortable. "My son will wear this at all times." "No wife of mine will..." "I cannot imagine ordering my wife around..." He also mentioned he is under pressure to give his parents grandkids.

Anyway, so he was already there when I got there, and he already had a seat. When I walked in, the lady showed me to his booth. Come to find out, he actually frequented the place often, and the ladies all knew him. So, that led to some very awkward moments. At one point, the waitress tells him, "Polite girl, this one" and another one winked at him. He asked if I would want to do sushi, and I told him flat-out no. He almost seemed offended, but was just like, "Welp, you're going to try sushi." And, we argued over that for far too long, and he was not giving in so...yeah. He decided on eel. Eel! Holy moly...

So, he's giving me some guidance on what I should order. Finally, I said, "Can I just tell you what I want?" So, he asked, and I told him chicken. "And?" Just chicken, I confirmed. Well, that wasn't good enough. He wanted me to get some huge platter, a Bento Box, I think was what it was called. And, he assured me, he would eat whatever I didn't. So, I just gave in. He got himself sushi, and then two pieces of the eel sushi for us to share.

He took the liberty of ordering for me, and I was very impressed by that, even though I wasn't that crazy about him being dictatorial about what I should eat. Food came. The chicken was fine. The rice was fine. I didn't eat anything else. There was also mushroom soup, a salad, a spring roll, tempura broccoli, and some sort of sushi. Then, he gave me the eel sushi. I legitimately almost threw up twice while trying to eat it. I felt myself heave two times, and I thought "Oh my God, no" At first, I tried to eat it without chewing much, but that was a bad idea, so then I had to chew it and....ick...that was a pretty bad idea too. As soon as I could get it down my throat, I reached for my water and slurped it down like I had just run a marathon through the Sahara.

Throughout the meal, he kept touching my hand, like when making a point and even eating off my plate. I wasn't 100% comfortable with that level of familiarity, but...it is what it is. Then, when we were both full, he ended up NOT taking my extra food, and making a comment about all the food leftover. I felt a little uncomfortable about that too, but didn't apologize. He picked what I should order, and said he would eat what is leftover. He paid the bill, I thanked him politely, and we were done.

Honestly, I thought things were going pretty awkwardly, so I really thought he was going to be ready to part ways like I was, pretty much. But, he was pretty insistent on wanting to continue on. So, we decided to do a movie. He told me I looked lovely this evening, and that softened my resolve just a little.

During the movie, he felt the need to put his arm around my shoulder...which I kind of took a deep breath and just decided just to get through it. Then, he started playing with my hair and touching my neck...I was cringing on the inside, but again, just wanted to get through the movie, so I didn't say or do anything.

After the movie, it was 10 o clock, so I told him I should probably get home. He was disappointed, and kept asking "Are you sure?" I mean, duh, yeah I'm sure! What else is there to do at 10 o clock at night? Eventually, he gave up. I gave him a hug, thanked him for dinner, and I was on my way.

Wait...nope. I forgot a step.

After the hug, he said he really wanted to kiss me and asked me if he could. So, I looked down, trying to formulate in my head how to delicately say, "No, I don't think so." or "Not tonight," or something like that. So, I don't know what part of my hesitation he interpreted as "Sure, go for it," but before I could answer him, he just did it anyway. And, that was it.

He texted me afterwards to say he had a nice time. I texted him once I got home, to let him know I made it home safely, and thanked him again for dinner.

Any questions?

It sounds like this guy also has little to no dating experience. Or maybe he is a little, um, special in the Sheldon Cooper kind of way.

Is there really nothing to do after 10:00pm where you live?

 

[Sultana]

Nothing to do after 10 pm? No place to go for drinks etc??

 

[wishesuponastar]

Wow, he sure was bossy! Kinda crazy to talk about marriage and grandchildren on first date. I think you were lucky to escape him.

 

[Liberty Belle]

He was talking about marriage, children and the future on teh first date? Irony!

I'm sorry, OP, I don't mean to laugh, but after all our previous advice to you...this is funny.

Ok, when you first said the marriage grandkids thing, I thought maybe he was saying that because he thought that's what you wanted to hear. But it did seem like he was moving a little fast (the touching your neck thing got to me - arm around you not so much, I mean it's a date not an evening with your brother).

But you know, he might have been feeling a little uncomfortable, awkward, too, and that could have been driving his behavior.

How was the kiss? Did you like it? If you did, I'd especially give him another chance. Let him know you want to take things slow (definitely let him know you want to take things slow), but realize that he considers dating you to be more than a platonic thing.

 

[lovemygoofy]

First let me say that there never needs to be justification to end a date and doesn't matter what time. if you are done, just be done. I have lived in several towns around the country that roll up sidewalks at 9pm so I do believe that there could be nothing to do at 10pm.

Next, it's a first date. How long should it go especially with her feeling not real comfortable anyways? When not used to being in such situations extending it will not help make it more comfortable.

OP, it sounds like you had a 50/50 date. I'm not going to comment on it other than you need to stop with the polite or coy looking down when uncomfortable. If you don't want the kiss, then just say no. If you didn't want him touching(and I totally understand it being someone you don't know) then move your body away. You don't have to make a grand gesture of removing his hand or anything simply turn your body away or do a gentle shake if you don't want it to be super obvious.

I hope you continue to date and stretch your social limits but learn to stand up for yourself. If you don't want touching, eating off your plate or whatever speak up or do something.

I think it's great you went on a date and I hope you go on more. Even the crappy ones will help you more comfortable to keep trying.

 

[anniemae]

I would have been a bit icked-out by the fact that it seems he has a "date restaurant" where he takes all his dates and all the waitresses seemed to be in on it. Would make me wonder exactly how many women he takes there.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I would have been a bit icked-out by the fact that it seems he has a "date restaurant" where he takes all his dates and all the waitresses seemed to be in on it. Would make me wonder exactly how many women he takes there.

I don't know - I mean, maybe he just likes that restaurant and maybe he's only brought one or two other women there. There's nothing wrong with dating different women.

 

[anniemae]

Oh I forgot to ask, will you go out with him again if he asks? Sometimes first dates don't go well and he could have been nervous and not quite himself. A second date will let you see him more relaxed. If he seemed a little bossy, he could have been trying to impress you and nerves made come out wrong.

If you go out again, maybe you could pick the restaurant!

 

[Liberty Belle]

Oh I forgot to ask, will you go out with him again if he asks? Sometimes first dates don't go well and he could have been nervous and not quite himself. A second date will let you see him more relaxed. If he seemed a little bossy, he could have been trying to impress you and nerves made come out wrong.

If you go out again, maybe you could pick the restaurant!

 

[Hillbeans]

Nothing to do after 10 pm? No place to go for drinks etc??

I don't think that was really the case, she already had a meh dinner and movie with the guy, and didn't want to prolong it.

Wow, he sure was bossy! Kinda crazy to talk about marriage and grandchildren on first date. I think you were lucky to escape him.

When I first started going on first dates again after my divorce, I cannot tell you how much inappropriate things people talk about on a first date - my favorite being my date told me that when he marries again, he's reusing the same (engraved) ring from his first wife and changing the inscription because he likes the ring and doesn't want to be wasteful. I could think of 100 other things to talk about on a first date than something as stupid as that.

 

[marlynnp]

He sounds awkward.

It's like he had some unrealistic idea of how men and women interact...

deja vu

 

[NaLisa]

I have to disagree with your assessment that he has "impeccable manners" and was a "perfect gentleman."

Dictating what you order, pressuring you to order and try sushi, eating off your plate, kissing you before you responded? Terrible manners and not very gentlemanly.

He sounds a bit obtuse, but it also sounds quite likely that you were giving off very different signals from what you were feeling and telling us. You've got to be more assertive, honest and confident or your future dates will end up going much the same way.

You give very mixed messages. Was it impressive or annoying/dictatorial that he ordered for you? If you didn't want him touching your hand or putting his arm around you, why didn't you say so? Why did your "resolve soften" and then you agreed to continue on with the date when you didn't want to--just because he said you look nice?

 

[cabanafrau]

First let me say that there never needs to be justification to end a date and doesn't matter what time. if you are done, just be done. I have lived in several towns around the country that roll up sidewalks at 9pm so I do believe that there could be nothing to do at 10pm.

Next, it's a first date. How long should it go especially with her feeling not real comfortable anyways? When not used to being in such situations extending it will not help make it more comfortable.

OP, it sounds like you had a 50/50 date. I'm not going to comment on it other than you need to stop with the polite or coy looking down when uncomfortable. If you don't want the kiss, then just say no. If you didn't want him touching(and I totally understand it being someone you don't know) then move your body away. You don't have to make a grand gesture of removing his hand or anything simply turn your body away or do a gentle shake if you don't want it to be super obvious.

I hope you continue to date and stretch your social limits but learn to stand up for yourself. If you don't want touching, eating off your plate or whatever speak up or do something.

I think it's great you went on a date and I hope you go on more. Even the crappy ones will help you more comfortable to keep trying.

I agree. IMO a lot of the issues stem from what I see as OP role playing quite frankly, and possibly not being honest with herself. She liked that he took charge and ordered for her or didn't? I don't think it's limited to dating situations where this is an issue for the OP based on her comments regarding her sister and friends in this same thread.

 

[cabanafrau]

I have to disagree with your assessment that he has "impeccable manners" and was a "perfect gentleman."

Dictating what you order, pressuring you to order and try sushi, eating off your plate, kissing you before you responded? Terrible manners and not very gentlemanly.

He sounds a bit obtuse, but it also sounds quite likely that you were giving off very different signals from what you were feeling and telling us. You've got to be more assertive, honest and confident or your future dates will end up going much the same way.

You give very mixed messages. Was it impressive or annoying/dictatorial that he ordered for you? If you didn't want him touching your hand or putting his arm around you, why didn't you say so? Why did your "resolve soften" and then you agreed to continue on with the date when you didn't want to--just because he said you look nice?

I actually had to go back and re-read the synopsis again because I couldn't believe I actually skimmed over resolve softening. I haven't heard that type of description since I was about 12, 13 years old & reading romance novels called Harlequin Romance that used to be very big sellers, what you'd hear talked about as a bodice ripper nowadays.
Now that I think about it, many of the details sound like the plot devices of one of those. Blast from the past.

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that the same person who was worrying over her body revolting from unfamiliar food and specifically insisted no seafood got arm twisted into sushi, and eel no less. Hmmmm.

 

[BlovesC]

If you find yourself so incapable of saying "no" to anything you clearly don't want to do, please, for your own safety, don't date.

 

[Liberty Belle]

If you find yourself so incapable of saying "no" to anything you clearly don't want to do, please, for your own safety, don't date.

Bah, I can see myself getting talked into it and I'll tell you right now I have never had eel and I do not feel the urge whatsoever to try it. And, I've been married for 21 years now.

 

[wishesuponastar]

If you find yourself so incapable of saying "no" to anything you clearly don't want to do, please, for your own safety, don't date.

I agree that OP needs more confidence and to be able to assert herself but she definitely needs to keep dating to get more practice.

 

[BlovesC]

Bah, I can see myself getting talked into it and I'll tell you right now I have never had eel and I do not feel the urge whatsoever to try it. And, I've been married for 21 years now.

I understand your point, but at every turn in this date she was forced into doing something she didn't want to do, by a guy she really didn't seem to have much interest in. Unless she's giving us an entirely different interpretation and she wasn't quite as dismissive as she portrays in her report, I just worry that if a woman of her age can't speak up for herself over minor issues, she's putting herself in a bad position with the next guy, who may be even less of an 'impeccably mannered gentleman' than this charmer.