Poll: Japanese First Date

[iheartnmr's]

Someone touching your hand should not make you uncomfortable. A little light touch is nothing scandalous. If you didn't want your hand touched, you move it to your lap.

Pretty bold to be playing with your hair and neck on a first date. Seems odd for someone with impeccable manners. That is something reserved for when things are getting a little steamy. Not when a person can't even stand a hand touch. Unless he's completely obtuse, he would have picked up on your discomfort at the restaurant.

What movie did you see?

 

[FireDancer]

First let me say that there never needs to be justification to end a date and doesn't matter what time. if you are done, just be done. I have lived in several towns around the country that roll up sidewalks at 9pm so I do believe that there could be nothing to do at 10pm.

Next, it's a first date. How long should it go especially with her feeling not real comfortable anyways? When not used to being in such situations extending it will not help make it more comfortable.

I don't really think she should have gone anywhere else with the guy. It sounded in her post that it wasn't that she didn't want to do anything more but like she was surprised anyone would want to do anything after 10pm. Even on work nights I often meet up with people that late.

As for the bolded part...sometimes until the next morning but I doubt anyone on this date is at the point in their dating life that that happens.

OP, what topics did you bring up? What kind of topics did you discuss beyond his mention of marriage and kids?

 

[Friend of a Mouse]

Mackey, please take some advice from somebody who is similar and has been in your shoes.

I am not a "worldly" girl. When my husband and I were dating, we took it slow and didn't even kiss until a few dates in. We both waited for marriage, as does my sister in law. We are like minded in our values. We very rarely drink (I might a couple of times a month, he pretty much never does), and yes, I do uncomfortable watching or reading sexual stuff in movies and books. I am not attractive. I am short and fat and positively suck when it comes to finding flattering clothes and make up. I did not seem to inherit the cute girl gene so many seem to have.

I say that to show you that I understand where you are coming from. I have been married for three years, it is possible to find somebody with similar values as you,., no matter how awkward you are. But it did require going out of my comfort zone.

Before meeting my husband, I dated. Some guys I met online, some at work or school. In every case the guys I dated were church guys with similar values. One of the best relationships I had prior to my husband was a guy I met online while working for Disney who was also a CP. We were very up front from the beginning when it came to our expectations of physical contact. Although somewhat embarassing for me, we were able to have conversations in which we admitted sexual attraction and talked about our values and our boundaries.

My husband on the other hand is socially awkward. Before me, he had only dated one other person. I had to break my own rule and ask him out because he is very shy and not comfortable asking girls out. It was very much outside of my comfort zone, but I am glad I did! Like the previous relationship, we were up front with our values. Is he what I had pictured my husband would be like? Not at all. He is better.

Like you, I had had the "knight in shining armor" fantasy. I am a theatre nerd and a musician. I used to fantasize about a husband that I could dance with and sing duets with. That's not my husband at all. What I got instead was a somewhat shy, incredible guy who tells me I am beautiful even though I don't think I am. We can talk about anything no matter how dorky. We love each other because of our imperfections, not in spit of them.

You are going to need to be able to advocate for yourself. Yes, those conversations are awkward,but there is pretending to be all flustered and allowing yourself to be pushed into things you do not like will only hurt you in the long run. You are older. I understand when there are certain expressions you don't get. I've been there, done that. But the whole blushing and acting clueless is not going to work for a woman your age, even with the nice guys. Even the good guys like my husband want sex and physical affection. You will not survive a long term relationship if you plug your ears and sing every time the subject comes up. You need to be willing to have conversations where you admit your feelings and state what you are comfortable with. And stick to your guns.

Stop fantasizing about the perfect guy and finding excuses. You keep going after guys who are unattainable. You need to be very honest with yourself: Do you actually want a relationship, or just the idea of a relationship? Do you want to date because you want to get married and start a family one day, or because you think you have to? Honestly, it sounds like the latter based on your threads. There is nothing wrong with staying single, but if you're serious about actually being in a relationship, it means cutting out the clueless act and being willing to go somewhat outside of your comfort zone. You need to be realistic about the kind of guy a 30 something conservative woman is going to attract and be willing to date that kind of guy. You might just be pleasantly surprised.

 

[carriemd]

He probably wanted to continue the date at his place. That's what there is to do after 10. If you liked him and were having a nice time, you'd have found something--be it that or something more innocuous. You didn't, so good for you for going home.
However, there were three times on the date where he asked (or told) you to do something you DIDN'T want to do, and you DIDN'T say no. And once when he was on your nerves and out of your comfort zone and you didn't tell him so. They were fairly innocent, but that's the slippery slope that leads to huge regrets. You have to stand up for yourself. If you don't want the eel, say you don't want the eel. It's better than vomiting. I'm all for trying new things but I lived in Japan for 2 years and eat sushi and sashimi at least twice a month, and I've never tried eel. I don't want it.
If you don't want a kiss, say "actually I'd prefer to take things slow, I've been off the dating market for awhile." Or "I'm sorry, I'm not yet comfortable with that." If you wanted to go home instead of a movie, built in excuse--"I have to work tomorrow." If you wanted him to get his fingers out of your hair, you needed to say so. Life is awkward but it's more awkward if you go through it never articulating what you want or need. Most of us had our teens and 20s to make all those embarrassing (and sometimes worse) mistakes and learn from them. You don't seem to have.
I just have to ask, was it HIS touch that made you uncomfortable, or ANY touch? I don't think it's an unreasonable thing to do for a man to put his arm around a woman at the movies on a date, but the way you describe it indicates you were very uncomfortable. IDK if that's because you should have gone home 2 hours earlier or because you don't like to be touched.
And also, I know you like the idea of dating; but do you like it in practice? Eventually dating leads to sex, and at 31, that's probably sooner rather than later (ie weeks or months vs years). Are you comfortable with that? You don't seem to be a person who's at all interested in sex; in fact you seem repulsed by it. If you haven't dated in 10+ years, why not? Of course you don't have to answer me, but please think about it. Those are long and very formative years for developing the skills to have healthy relationships during the rest of your life. Are you dating because you feel like you should, or because you truly want to?

 

[Hrhpd]

OP here.

Alright sooo

Pros: his manners were impeccable. He was attentive and a total gentleman, which I appreciated. Cons: He was a little bossy, and at times, said things that rubbed me the wrong way.

I'm a little sad, because while I found conversation over certain topics pretty easy, I don't know that just friendship is going to be a possibility with him. He was pretty explicit in his interest. And, several times made a lot of general marriage comments, which made me a little uncomfortable. "My son will wear this at all times." "No wife of mine will..." "I cannot imagine ordering my wife around..." He also mentioned he is under pressure to give his parents grandkids.

Anyway, so he was already there when I got there, and he already had a seat. When I walked in, the lady showed me to his booth. Come to find out, he actually frequented the place often, and the ladies all knew him. So, that led to some very awkward moments. At one point, the waitress tells him, "Polite girl, this one" and another one winked at him. He asked if I would want to do sushi, and I told him flat-out no. He almost seemed offended, but was just like, "Welp, you're going to try sushi." And, we argued over that for far too long, and he was not giving in so...yeah. He decided on eel. Eel! Holy moly...

So, he's giving me some guidance on what I should order. Finally, I said, "Can I just tell you what I want?" So, he asked, and I told him chicken. "And?" Just chicken, I confirmed. Well, that wasn't good enough. He wanted me to get some huge platter, a Bento Box, I think was what it was called. And, he assured me, he would eat whatever I didn't. So, I just gave in. He got himself sushi, and then two pieces of the eel sushi for us to share.

He took the liberty of ordering for me, and I was very impressed by that, even though I wasn't that crazy about him being dictatorial about what I should eat. Food came. The chicken was fine. The rice was fine. I didn't eat anything else. There was also mushroom soup, a salad, a spring roll, tempura broccoli, and some sort of sushi. Then, he gave me the eel sushi. I legitimately almost threw up twice while trying to eat it. I felt myself heave two times, and I thought "Oh my God, no" At first, I tried to eat it without chewing much, but that was a bad idea, so then I had to chew it and....ick...that was a pretty bad idea too. As soon as I could get it down my throat, I reached for my water and slurped it down like I had just run a marathon through the Sahara.

Throughout the meal, he kept touching my hand, like when making a point and even eating off my plate. I wasn't 100% comfortable with that level of familiarity, but...it is what it is. Then, when we were both full, he ended up NOT taking my extra food, and making a comment about all the food leftover. I felt a little uncomfortable about that too, but didn't apologize. He picked what I should order, and said he would eat what is leftover. He paid the bill, I thanked him politely, and we were done.

Honestly, I thought things were going pretty awkwardly, so I really thought he was going to be ready to part ways like I was, pretty much. But, he was pretty insistent on wanting to continue on. So, we decided to do a movie. He told me I looked lovely this evening, and that softened my resolve just a little.

During the movie, he felt the need to put his arm around my shoulder...which I kind of took a deep breath and just decided just to get through it. Then, he started playing with my hair and touching my neck...I was cringing on the inside, but again, just wanted to get through the movie, so I didn't say or do anything.

After the movie, it was 10 o clock, so I told him I should probably get home. He was disappointed, and kept asking "Are you sure?" I mean, duh, yeah I'm sure! What else is there to do at 10 o clock at night? Eventually, he gave up. I gave him a hug, thanked him for dinner, and I was on my way.

Wait...nope. I forgot a step.

After the hug, he said he really wanted to kiss me and asked me if he could. So, I looked down, trying to formulate in my head how to delicately say, "No, I don't think so." or "Not tonight," or something like that. So, I don't know what part of my hesitation he interpreted as "Sure, go for it," but before I could answer him, he just did it anyway. And, that was it.

He texted me afterwards to say he had a nice time. I texted him once I got home, to let him know I made it home safely, and thanked him again for dinner.

Any questions?

When you are in your 30's, I can think of several things that can be done after 10

I could understand being uncomfortable with an arm around your shoulder when you are a teen on your first date, but as a mature 31 year old? Especially when you had not stood up for yourself before. He is probably also bad at body language, so kept moving forward when he didn't get any true indication of resistance. He did have the manners to ask. You looked coyly down at the street, which could be misread as a coy "yes."

He should not have kissed you if he really knew you did not want it. But, you have to ask yourself, were you giving signals out that you were ready to take it to the next level? More 31 year olds than not are ok with premarital sex, friends with benefits, etc. Because of your age, you need to make your boundaries known right away.

If you didn't want the familiarity, why didn't you just say no? Please stand up for yourself. A date is real life and not a romance novel.

 

[Hrhpd]

I don't know - I mean, maybe he just likes that restaurant and maybe he's only brought one or two other women there. There's nothing wrong with dating different women.

I am thinking he too has little dating experience, goes into the restaurant a lot and is well liked by the staff, but they were happy for him having a date for once, thus the smiles.

And I don't think we can really tell what the staff was doing as the OP also is very, very naive with dating and social experiences. She has also shown she is not very good at reading body language or displaying it if the guy in the church is any indication.

 

[Liberty Belle]

If you find yourself so incapable of saying "no" to anything you clearly don't want to do, please, for your own safety, don't date.

I understand your point, but at every turn in this date she was forced into doing something she didn't want to do, by a guy she really didn't seem to have much interest in. Unless she's giving us an entirely different interpretation and she wasn't quite as dismissive as she portrays in her report, I just worry that if a woman of her age can't speak up for herself over minor issues, she's putting herself in a bad position with the next guy, who may be even less of an 'impeccably mannered gentleman' than this charmer.

You have a good point, there.

 

[carriemd]

Forgot to say--I am of the opinion that it's very strange to eat off someone's plate very early in a relationship, or on a first date--and I am a pretty familiar person, if that makes sense. If someone offers you a bite of something bc he wants you to try it, that's different. My husband and I share food all the time but we don't reach across in a restaurant and shovel food off each others' plates. Ill cut him a piece of steak, or he'll put two fries on my plate. I'd have also thought it was strange if he did take your leftovers.

 

[NHdisneylover]

First let me say that there never needs to be justification to end a date and doesn't matter what time. if you are done, just be done. I have lived in several towns around the country that roll up sidewalks at 9pm so I do believe that there could be nothing to do at 10pm.

Next, it's a first date. How long should it go especially with her feeling not real comfortable anyways? When not used to being in such situations extending it will not help make it more comfortable.

OP, it sounds like you had a 50/50 date. I'm not going to comment on it other than you need to stop with the polite or coy looking down when uncomfortable. If you don't want the kiss, then just say no. If you didn't want him touching(and I totally understand it being someone you don't know) then move your body away. You don't have to make a grand gesture of removing his hand or anything simply turn your body away or do a gentle shake if you don't want it to be super obvious.

I hope you continue to date and stretch your social limits but learn to stand up for yourself. If you don't want touching, eating off your plate or whatever speak up or do something.

I think it's great you went on a date and I hope you go on more. Even the crappy ones will help you more comfortable to keep trying.

As always, Tina is spot on. OP, I hope you read and reread this one

I agree. IMO a lot of the issues stem from what I see as OP role playing quite frankly, and possibly not being honest with herself. She liked that he took charge and ordered for her or didn't? I don't think it's limited to dating situations where this is an issue for the OP based on her comments regarding her sister and friends in this same thread.

Yes. And, that role seems straight out of a bad romance novel /as you mention later on).

I always have the feeling that Mackey is looking for a person to plug into her script, instead of for a real relationship-those are hard to have when you do not fully now yourself, and I am not sure she does; everything always seems so limited to these "fictional" roles in her reactions, etc.

OP, I hope you can let go of preconceives notions and jsut get to knwo someone (and be you--like it is TOTALLY okay to say you do not want to try eel sushi and stick to it. Refusing to try any new thing would be limiting, but you were at a Japanese place and already doing that; you need some backbone and to be able to say "no" and mean it. No way no how would I have eaten the sushi. I hate the taste of the nori and eel sounds awful to me )

Stop fantasizing about the perfect guy and finding excuses. You keep going after guys who are unattainable. You need to be very honest with yourself: Do you actually want a relationship, or just the idea of a relationship? Do you want to date because you want to get married and start a family one day, or because you think you have to? Honestly, it sounds like the latter based on your threads. There is nothing wrong with staying single, but if you're serious about actually being in a relationship, it means cutting out the clueless act and being willing to go somewhat outside of your comfort zone. You need to be realistic about the kind of guy a 30 something conservative woman is going to attract and be willing to date that kind of guy. You might just be pleasantly surprised.

Very good things for the OP to consider.

 

[Hrhpd]

Forgot to say--I am of the opinion that it's very strange to eat off someone's plate very early in a relationship, or on a first date--and I am a pretty familiar person, if that makes sense. If someone offers you a bite of something bc he wants you to try it, that's different. My husband and I share food all the time but we don't reach across in a restaurant and shovel food off each others' plates. Ill cut him a piece of steak, or he'll put two fries on my plate. I'd have also thought it was strange if he did take your leftovers.

I think it would be weird too. But he did order the big food platter, stating they could share, without any resistance from her. So, he probably thought it was ok to take something off her plate.

She also stated that it was a huge platter of different foods, but she only touched the chicken and the rice.

Although still a bit familiar, I can see him thinking it would be ok to ask for the egg roll if he already thought he had buy in that they were sharing the big platter.

There are too many inconsistencies in her story to really make sense of what happened.

This is the same person who said her idea of a good first date is sitting around a fire, legs entwined, playing a board game. You really can't get more familiar or intimate than that, so I think interpreting her judgement of what was too intimate during this date would be difficult.

OP - as others have said, it is fantastic that you went out there and got some experience. You will get better at it the more you do it. You will become more familiar with what you want and reading what your partner wants. Just keep at it. And stand up for yourself. As somebody else said, for your own safety, make your boundaries known immediately and be firm about it. Way too many "but she wanted it" excuses out there.

 

[carriemd]

I think it would be weird too. But he did order the big food platter, stating they could share, without any resistance from her. So, he probably thought it was ok to take something off her plate.

She also stated that it was a huge platter of different foods, but she only touched the chicken and the rice.

Although still a bit familiar, I can see him thinking it would be ok to ask for the egg roll if he already thought he had buy in that they were sharing the big platter.

There are too many inconsistencies in her story to really make sense of what happened.

You're right. The whole situation just sounds kind of odd (and incredibly awkward) to me. Which dating often is--awkward, at least.

 

[mmackeymouse]

Whoa, lots of questions and comments to address!

It sounds like this guy also has little to no dating experience. Or maybe he is a little, um, special in the Sheldon Cooper kind of way.

Is there really nothing to do after 10:00pm where you live?

Honestly, I wouldn't mind Sheldon Cooper

Not really....McDonalds and Walmart. Especially on a weeknight. And the bars around here...it isn't like there are any "trendy" or "hip" joints. The bars are more seedy than anything else.

I mean, if the weather would have been okay, we could have went for a walk down by the waterfront, but it's snowy and icy and cold, so...our options were limited.

How was the kiss? Did you like it? If you did, I'd especially give him another chance. Let him know you want to take things slow (definitely let him know you want to take things slow), but realize that he considers dating you to be more than a platonic thing.

The kiss was a kiss. I mean, there weren't fireworks or mountains didn't move or anything like that. In a strictly basic way, not looking at any other mitigating factors, it was nice.

OP, it sounds like you had a 50/50 date. I'm not going to comment on it other than you need to stop with the polite or coy looking down when uncomfortable. If you don't want the kiss, then just say no. If you didn't want him touching(and I totally understand it being someone you don't know) then move your body away. You don't have to make a grand gesture of removing his hand or anything simply turn your body away or do a gentle shake if you don't want it to be super obvious.

I think it's great you went on a date and I hope you go on more. Even the crappy ones will help you more comfortable to keep trying.

I think that'a a fair assessment. Thank you so much. I really tried to go on with that idea....even bad dates are experience.

Oh I forgot to ask, will you go out with him again if he asks? Sometimes first dates don't go well and he could have been nervous and not quite himself. A second date will let you see him more relaxed. If he seemed a little bossy, he could have been trying to impress you and nerves made come out wrong.

Yeah, um, I mean...I dunno. Kind of the reason I "went with it" on this particular date was because I have always been told by friends, and even by some in this thread, that sometimes things are awkward for a little while and sometimes it shakes itself out. Sometimes it even takes two or three dates (so I'm told) for both parties to know where things are going and how they feel.

I mean, I wouldn't mind hanging out with him again casually just to see how things go. But, as for an official date date? Probably not.

The thing is, like Liberty Belle said, I am not sure platonic friends is a possibility at this point. Which is too bad.

When I first started going on first dates again after my divorce, I cannot tell you how much inappropriate things people talk about on a first date - my favorite being my date told me that when he marries again, he's reusing the same (engraved) ring from his first wife and changing the inscription because he likes the ring and doesn't want to be wasteful. I could think of 100 other things to talk about on a first date than something as stupid as that.

Wow...what a way to butter a date up.

Why did your "resolve soften" and then you agreed to continue on with the date when you didn't want to--just because he said you look nice?

I think maybe "softening resolve" was the wrong phrase to use. I guess what I meant was...I thought the date was going kind of rough. Not miserably, but rough. Despite his attentiveness, I got the impression he perceived how rough it was, too. So, I was sort of prepared to shake hands and go our separate ways. So....I guess after his interest in continuing, I sort of thought..."Okay maybe things aren't going as badly as I think they are inside my head." Does that make sense?

Now that I think about it, many of the details sound like the plot devices of one of those. Blast from the past.

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that the same person who was worrying over her body revolting from unfamiliar food and specifically insisted no seafood got arm twisted into sushi, and eel no less. Hmmmm.

Plot devices? Are you kidding me? Don't you think if I was making up some sort of "plot," it would be one that was a lot, lot, LOT better than this? Rofl.

And, by the way, my body DID revolt. I seriously thought I was gonna be sick. It's good that I skipped lunch, so I didn't have a lunch to lose.

What movie did you see?

Saving Mr Banks


I may have given you guys the wrong idea. At least a little bit. We have several mutual interests, and in those moments, discussing those things, the conversation flowed nicely. The people around us probably thought we were nerds of the highest order, but...it wasn't like it was terrible the entire time. I always appreciating having someone new to talk to and bounce ideas off of and things like that. He even said something to the effect of, "It's okay, we are just having some extrovert meets introvert moments. Nothing wrong with that." Did I come home and design our wedding invitations? God no. Did I come home and immediately block him from ever contacting me again? No. There were some nice moments. There were a lot of awkward moments. There were a couple of "Get me out of here!" moments. So, yeah...there ya go.

 

[NHdisneylover]

When you are in your 30's, I can think of several things that can be done after 10

I could understand being uncomfortable with an arm around your shoulder when you are a teen on your first date, but as a mature 31 year old? Especially when you had not stood up for yourself before. He is probably also bad at body language, so kept moving forward when he didn't get any true indication of resistance. He did have the manners to ask. You looked coyly down at the street, which could be misread as a coy "yes."

He should not have kissed you if he really knew you did not want it. But, you have to ask yourself, were you giving signals out that you were ready to take it to the next level? More 31 year olds than not are ok with premarital sex, friends with benefits, etc. Because of your age, you need to make your boundaries known right away.

If you didn't want the familiarity, why didn't you just say no? Please stand up for yourself. A date is real life and not a romance novel.

He probably wanted to continue the date at his place. That's what there is to do after 10. If you liked him and were having a nice time, you'd have found something--be it that or something more innocuous. You didn't, so good for you for going home.
However, there were three times on the date where he asked (or told) you to do something you DIDN'T want to do, and you DIDN'T say no. And once when he was on your nerves and out of your comfort zone and you didn't tell him so. They were fairly innocent, but that's the slippery slope that leads to huge regrets. You have to stand up for yourself. If you don't want the eel, say you don't want the eel. It's better than vomiting. I'm all for trying new things but I lived in Japan for 2 years and eat sushi and sashimi at least twice a month, and I've never tried eel. I don't want it.
If you don't want a kiss, say "actually I'd prefer to take things slow, I've been off the dating market for awhile." Or "I'm sorry, I'm not yet comfortable with that." If you wanted to go home instead of a movie, built in excuse--"I have to work tomorrow." If you wanted him to get his fingers out of your hair, you needed to say so. Life is awkward but it's more awkward if you go through it never articulating what you want or need. Most of us had our teens and 20s to make all those embarrassing (and sometimes worse) mistakes and learn from them. You don't seem to have.
I just have to ask, was it HIS touch that made you uncomfortable, or ANY touch? I don't think it's an unreasonable thing to do for a man to put his arm around a woman at the movies on a date, but the way you describe it indicates you were very uncomfortable. IDK if that's because you should have gone home 2 hours earlier or because you don't like to be touched.
And also, I know you like the idea of dating; but do you like it in practice? Eventually dating leads to sex, and at 31, that's probably sooner rather than later (ie weeks or months vs years). Are you comfortable with that? You don't seem to be a person who's at all interested in sex; in fact you seem repulsed by it. If you haven't dated in 10+ years, why not? Of course you don't have to answer me, but please think about it. Those are long and very formative years for developing the skills to have healthy relationships during the rest of your life. Are you dating because you feel like you should, or because you truly want to?

Both of these posts need to be repeated and reread by OP

 

[TheIncredibles!]

OP why are you shooting for a platonic friendship with this guy? Aren't you interested in moving on to the next stage of life?

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP why are you shooting for a platonic friendship with this guy? Aren't you interested in moving on to the next stage of life?

I wondered that as well

OP, either give it another date or two to see if the awkwardness abates and a rel relationship starts to develop, or end it and move on.

 

[iheartnmr's]

Men aren't looking for platonic relationships. Women think they can have them, men want sex. Maybe not right away but at some point it enters their heads. If you're looking for friendship, look for women.

 

[mmackeymouse]

Stop fantasizing about the perfect guy and finding excuses. You keep going after guys who are unattainable. You need to be very honest with yourself: Do you actually want a relationship, or just the idea of a relationship? Do you want to date because you want to get married and start a family one day, or because you think you have to? Honestly, it sounds like the latter based on your threads. There is nothing wrong with staying single, but if you're serious about actually being in a relationship, it means cutting out the clueless act and being willing to go somewhat outside of your comfort zone. You need to be realistic about the kind of guy a 30 something conservative woman is going to attract and be willing to date that kind of guy. You might just be pleasantly surprised.

Thank you so much for sharing your entire story with me, as it really resonated with me and struck a chord.

That said, I am confused as to how my date and "Stop fantasizing about a fantasy guy" correlate? I don't think I ever said anything about this date being a fantasy or the stuff of fairy tales or a romantic dream or anything like that. And, I also admitted to continuing on the date because I DO know that sometimes dating is awkward.

To answer your question: both. I do want marriage. But, I am also aware that, even according to other posters in here, the only way to get better at dating is just to get out there and do it. There is no better experience than...experience. So, yes you could say I feel like I have to. But, only in the sense I feel like I have to in order to gain real-life experience.

And also, I know you like the idea of dating; but do you like it in practice? Eventually dating leads to sex, and at 31, that's probably sooner rather than later (ie weeks or months vs years). Are you comfortable with that? You don't seem to be a person who's at all interested in sex; in fact you seem repulsed by it. If you haven't dated in 10+ years, why not?

I am not repulsed by it. Not at all. I look forward to it someday (God willing) That said...I don't think I need to come out and say what my plans are regarding sex. I think most people who know me through the DIS and are familiar with me probably know what my stance is. How soon I should make that plain to a potential partner, I don't know.

OP why are you shooting for a platonic friendship with this guy? Aren't you interested in moving on to the next stage of life?

Isn't that the point of dating? To go out with people to see how things go? For some people, maybe they are just better as friends. For other, there is romantic interest.

I would like to think, if nothing else, at least I made a friend.

 

[#1hoosierfan]

Men aren't looking for platonic relationships. Women think they can have them, men want sex. Maybe not right away but at some point it enters their heads. If you're looking for friendship, look for women.

I absolutely 100% agree!

 

[FireDancer]

Men aren't looking for platonic relationships. Women think they can have them, men want sex. Maybe not right away but at some point it enters their heads. If you're looking for friendship, look for women.

That isn't true. I have plenty platonic female friends. Some I never had any romantic relationship with and some I did in the past but don't any longer.

I don't think men go on dates with the intention of finding friends so I agree with that but the notion that men can't be friends with women without hoping for sex at some point is laughable.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I am not repulsed by it. Not at all. I look forward to it someday (God willing) That said...I don't think I need to come out and say what my plans are regarding sex. I think most people who know me through the DIS and are familiar with me probably know what my stance is. How soon I should make that plain to a potential partner, I don't know.

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I fully admit that I have not been in your shoes. I was never opposed to pre martial sex, and I have been with the same person since I was 19, so my advice may be way off (if it is, I imagine others will say so soon )

I think that when he was suggesting you do something else after the movie, the VAST majority of adult would not have thought "what else is there to do" but have assumed that he wanted to go back to his (or your place and at least start moving down that road.

Did that really not cross your mind or were you just playing coy here with us because honestly that is a level of nativity I would not expect out of anyone raised in the US and over about age 16.

I think THAT was your opening to explain what your feelings are about how fast a physical relationship can move.