Obituary asking for money....for GRANDKIDS UPDATE POST 148

[CdnCarrie]

Another one that has never heard of such a thing. When my mother died no one gave us cash. Lots of food and flowers.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

From NH here. We have lost many,many loved ones over the years. We have never received money in an envelope. I had never heard of this before the Dis. and didnt realize that some areas of the country did this. Sounds very nice, I just had never heard of such a thing.

 

[MrsPete]

I've lived in the South all my life. I have never, ever seen anyone give money at a funeral. Food appears from all corners -- lots of food, the idea being that the bereaved family needs to be able to feed their out of town guests. I've also heard of close friends offering to take children out to buy them clothing, given that children don't always have dark-colored clothing appropriate for a funeral, and their parents may be hard-pressed to find the time to shop under a deadline.

When I was young, everyone sent flowers to a funeral -- the funeral home was ALWAYS filled with flowers, and usually the family had to pay for a separate van to transport them to the gravesite -- and those flowers weren't cheap. Often people "went in together" for a floral arrangement.

Then, for a while, the trend was to send a smaller, more practical, living plant: A house plant or a rose bush that could be kept as a "memorial" to the lost loved one.

But lately all I've seen has been "In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to ______". Usually it's a charity that was special to the deceased (which could be anything from Hospice to the Firemens' Kids' Scholarship Fund -- by the way, I made that up as an example; it's not real). I have seen "donations to the charity of your choice". But I've never seen, "Please give money to little Joey'seducation." That is tacky.

I'd suggest that grandparents who want to donate to their children's college funds should consider saving or buying life insurance.

Whether people are donating to charities or not, I don't know, but I don't see nearly as many flowers as used to be the norm. Usually the family provides a nice casket spray, and that's about all the flowers we see. I don't think this is a bad thing -- flowers, flowers, flowers for a dead person was something of a wasteful concept.

 

[nathalee81]

I have lived in the Midwest, North and South and have never, ever heard of people giving money to the family after someone dies. I have never given money to any family (I have sent flowers, cards and/or made a donation to a chosen charity).

I am really curious what region this is practiced, because I have lived all over and never seen it. You learn something new every day...

 

[Buckalew11]

I've lived in the South all my life. I have never, ever seen anyone give money at a funeral. Food appears from all corners -- lots of food, the idea being that the bereaved family needs to be able to feed their out of town guests. I've also heard of close friends offering to take children out to buy them clothing, given that children don't always have dark-colored clothing appropriate for a funeral, and their parents may be hard-pressed to find the time to shop under a deadline.

When I was young, everyone sent flowers to a funeral -- the funeral home was ALWAYS filled with flowers, and usually the family had to pay for a separate van to transport them to the gravesite -- and those flowers weren't cheap. Often people "went in together" for a floral arrangement.

Then, for a while, the trend was to send a smaller, more practical, living plant: A house plant or a rose bush that could be kept as a "memorial" to the lost loved one.

But lately all I've seen has been "In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to ______". Usually it's a charity that was special to the deceased (which could be anything from Hospice to the Firemens' Kids' Scholarship Fund -- by the way, I made that up as an example; it's not real). I have seen "donations to the charity of your choice". But I've never seen, "Please give money to little Joey'seducation." That is tacky.

I'd suggest that grandparents who want to donate to their children's college funds should consider saving or buying life insurance.

Whether people are donating to charities or not, I don't know, but I don't see nearly as many flowers as used to be the norm. Usually the family provides a nice casket spray, and that's about all the flowers we see. I don't think this is a bad thing -- flowers, flowers, flowers for a dead person was something of a wasteful concept.

well, since DH is a FF, this is how we could cover for personal donation's for DD's education.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Forgot to address this in my pp.

Grandparents die. What about that is a reason to fund their grandchild's education?

Flowers are pretty standard at a funeral, I send them to let a grieving family know they are being thought of at that time. Like I said previously, sending them a GC to a grocery store or a restaurant is also way to help them IN THEIR TIME of need. How a grandchild's education has turned into "the family's time of need" is beyond me.

So if the obituary had stated, "In lieu of flowers, please make donations directly to the deceased's family" - we wouldn't be having this discussion?

Flowers aren't necessarily 'pretty standard' at a funeral. Especially when people paying their respects may not know all the various traditions, providing an alternative suggestion in the funeral notice makes absolute sense.

When my dad died, we had an "in lieu of flowers" in the obituary for a charity that researches what killed him. Some people sent flowers anyway, but not everyone who made donations in his name made them to the organization listed. Some made donations in his name to charities that must have mattered to them.

Knowing my dad, if he'd heard of this (donate to the grandkids' college fund) option, he'd have wanted it in his obituary. It doesn't mean people have to take the suggestion.

 

[badblackpug]

So if the obituary had stated, "In lieu of flowers, please make donations directly to the deceased's family" - we wouldn't be having this discussion?

Flowers aren't necessarily 'pretty standard' at a funeral. Especially when people paying their respects may not know all the various traditions, providing an alternative suggestion in the funeral notice makes absolute sense.

When my dad died, we had an "in lieu of flowers" in the obituary for a charity that researches what killed him. Some people sent flowers anyway, but not everyone who made donations in his name made them to the organization listed. Some made donations in his name to charities that must have mattered to them.

Knowing my dad, if he'd heard of this (donate to the grandkids' college fund) option, he'd have wanted it in his obituary. It doesn't mean people have to take the suggestion.

LOL right? "In lieu of flowers, just give the family cash."

I'm sorry, but I think trying to profit off a loved one's death is in very poor taste.

 

[luvmy3]

So if the obituary had stated, "In lieu of flowers, please make donations directly to the deceased's family" - we wouldn't be having this discussion?

Flowers aren't necessarily 'pretty standard' at a funeral. Especially when people paying their respects may not know all the various traditions, providing an alternative suggestion in the funeral notice makes absolute sense.

When my dad died, we had an "in lieu of flowers" in the obituary for a charity that researches what killed him. Some people sent flowers anyway, but not everyone who made donations in his name made them to the organization listed. Some made donations in his name to charities that must have mattered to them.

Knowing my dad, if he'd heard of this (donate to the grandkids' college fund) option, he'd have wanted it in his obituary. It doesn't mean people have to take the suggestion.

I have never been to a wake or funeral where there were not flowers present, even though the obit asked in lieu of flowers......., so yes they are pretty standard.

There are certain situations where a family asking for donation would be acceptable, and they have been discussed in this thread. Since the OP is about a request for donations for the grandchild's college fund that is what I am addressing. And again, we all here understand that this "donation" is not a requirement, but that doesn't change the fact that I think the family (or the deceased) asking for it is in poor taste and extremely tacky. It is not the same as asking for a charitable donation to be made in the deceased name that would benefit research, or a community. It is asking for a personal handout to one's family. This isn'tabout immediate expenses for the wife so she can keep her home, or for minor children s they can have food on their table. Something most people would gladly contribute to, this is about paying for someone's education who has parents alive and well to either do it for them, or co-sign a loan for them. If you can't see the difference that is fine, but there is a difference.

 

[Buckalew11]

LOL right? "In lieu of flowers, just give the family cash."

I'm sorry, but I think trying to profit off a loved one's death is in very poor taste.

I have never been to a wake or funeral where there were not flowers present, even though the obit asked in lieu of flowers......., so yes they are pretty standard.

There are certain situations where a family asking for donation would be acceptable, and they have been discussed in this thread. Since the OP is about a request for donations for the grandchild's college fund that is what I am addressing. And again, we all here understand that this "donation" is not a requirement, but that doesn't change the fact that I think the family (or the deceased) asking for it is in poor taste and extremely tacky. It is not the same as asking for a charitable donation to be made in the deceased name that would benefit research, or a community. It is asking for a personal handout to one's family. This isn'tabout immediate expenses for the wife so she can keep her home, or for minor children s they can have food on their table. Something most people would gladly contribute to, this is about paying for someone's education who has parents alive and well to either do it for them, or co-sign a loan for them. If you can't see the difference that is fine, but there is a difference.

I'm still finding it hard to believe that people can't see the difference in asking for donations be made to a charity and asking them to be made to "the grandkids college fund."

Sad part is, because of this, I think we'll be seeing more requests like it. I doubt many people will donate to it, but they'll be a few suckers who will.

As much as my dad wanted all of his grandkids to go to college, he would NOT have liked it if we had asked for donations to their college fund upon his death.

 

[luvsJack]

I'm still finding it hard to believe that people can't see the difference in asking for donations be made to a charity and asking them to be made to "the grandkids college fund."

Sad part is, because of this, I think we'll be seeing more requests like it. I doubt many people will donate to it, but they'll be a few suckers who will.

As much as my dad wanted all of his grandkids to go to college, he would NOT have liked it if we had asked for donations to their college fund upon his death.

Oh for pete sakes, yes there is a difference in who benefits from the contributions. The similarity is in the fund being what is important to the deceased .

No one is being a sucker for contributing, they are doing something that was the persons last wishes or that the family knew would be.

 

[dakcp2001]

When my mum died a little over two years ago, it would never have occurred to me to ask for money. I was too busy, you know, mourning the loss of my mother to think about what I could possibly get out it financially. Well, there's a lost opportunity. I'm a pretty tragic case, too. I had lost just about my whole family before I was 30. That's gotta be worth some cash, right?!

I think the whole "gimme" attitude we as a society have is really quite sad. It all seems to be about how to get, not how to appreciate. The idea is that "if you're going to get me something anyway, you might as well just let me dictate what it is. Otherwise I won't appreciate it so why waste your money?" Gift giving has gone from a warm hearted gesture to a bill for goods. Birthday parties, showers, weddings, anniversaries, vow renewals, holidays, and now even funerals. It all just feels like an excuse to order your loved ones you hand over cash or purchase the pre-approved gifts you feel you have coming your way.

Sorry, I don't mean to rant, but the whole notion of telling other people what to do with their money (Give it to me, of course! I'm the bride-to-be, newly married, birthday person, bereaved...) burns my buttons!

I agree with you. It is getting way out of hand, and now funerals seem to be included. Should we start a funeral registry?

 

[ronandannette]

Oh for pete sakes, yes there is a difference in who benefits from the contributions. The similarity is in the fund being what is important to the deceased .

No one is being a sucker for contributing, they are doing something that was the persons last wishes or that the family knew would be.

I agree with you. It is getting way out of hand, and now funerals seem to be included. Should we start a funeral registry?

No, how about you just accept or reject the options that have been proposed by the family of the deceased; buy flowers, make a donation or do nothing at all - just like it's been done for generations.

In reference to the first quote above, I tracked back to the beginning of this thread and the OP implied that the obituary she mentioned that started this kafuffel was for someone she DID NOT KNOW WELL. I would imagine that the people who were close to "Grandpa" and his family (and who reasonably may have been expected to respond to such a request) were not near so taken aback.

 

[Minnesota!]

I have lived in the Midwest, North and South and have never, ever heard of people giving money to the family after someone dies. I have never given money to any family (I have sent flowers, cards and/or made a donation to a chosen charity).

I am really curious what region this is practiced, because I have lived all over and never seen it. You learn something new every day...

I am in Minnesota and this is VERY common. I attempted to take a pic at the wake on Friday night - there was a desk with the mass cards and guest books, on the top of the desk there was a slot WITH A SIGN that said "DROP CARDS IN THIS SLOT". My pic didn't turn out as it was pretty dark in there.

When I go to a wake/funeral, I write a check for about $20. I do not care if they use that money to fund Children's Hospital, or to buy shampoo, or to put in a swimming pool. It's just standard, here, that money is donated.

 

[luvmy3]

I am in Minnesota and this is VERY common. I attempted to take a pic at the wake on Friday night - there was a desk with the mass cards and guest books, on the top of the desk there was a slot WITH A SIGN that said "DROP CARDS IN THIS SLOT". My pic didn't turn out as it was pretty dark in there.

When I go to a wake/funeral, I write a check for about $20. I do not care if they use that money to fund Children's Hospital, or to buy shampoo, or to put in a swimming pool. It's just standard, here, that money is donated.

You were taking pictures at a wake?

"drop cards in slot" doesn't mean "put your money in here"
Bringing a card to a wake is pretty normal, so I would imagine there would be a specific spot to put those cards.

And to the pp who said something about a "funeral" registry, sadly I don't think it will be long before we do see stuff like that. I mean, if its what the dearly departed wanted to do or buy, why shouldn't we just ask others to provide it in the even of their death.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

I live in Northeast Ohio. It's quite common here to place money in a card for the deceased's family. Seems that if you don't send flowers, you give money. If a charity has not been named in lieu of flowers, you give money to the family. Of course you don't HAVE to give anything. It's just not out of the ordinary to do so.

 

[luvmy3]

I live in Northeast Ohio. It's quite common here to place money in a card for the deceased's family. Seems that if you don't send flowers, you give money. If a charity has not been named in lieu of flowers, you give money to the family. Of course you don't HAVE to give anything. It's just not out of the ordinary to do so.

It not out of the ordinary to give flowers, or GCs or food either. The choice an individual makes to give the grieving family a gift is a seperate issue than the grieving family setting up a fund for a surviving grandchild's education though.

 

[ronandannette]

It not out of the ordinary to give flowers, or GCs or food either. The choice an individual makes to give the grieving family a gift is a seperate issue than the grieving family setting up a fund for a surviving grandchild's education though.

How? I still think that this request (or any other for that matter) are primarily a communication between the deceased's family and their own friends and loved ones, who presumably would have the family's best interest in mind.

 

[luvmy3]

How? I still think that this request (or any other for that matter) are primarily a communication between the deceased's family and their own friends and loved ones, who presumably would have the family's best interest in mind.

A request put in a obituary is between the family and everybody.
You can read through the thread to find out why its different, its been covered.

 

[ronandannette]

A request put in a obituary is between the family and everybody.
You can read through the thread to find out why its different, its been covered.

Agree to disagree. (I have read every post in this thread and while your opinion has been asserted by several others, many also disagree. It's a farcry from having "proved" the point.) Published obituaries, while obviously accessable to the general public, are NOT solicitations to total strangers, whether they include requests for charitable donations or not. When's the last time you attended a service for or donated to the American Cancer Foundation (for example) in memorium of someone you'd never met??

 

[kaytieeldr]

I have never been to a wake or funeral where there were not flowers present, even though the obit asked in lieu of flowers......., so yes they are pretty standard.

Then either you've never been to a funeral where it's traditional in the deceased's religion not to use/send flowers, or (again) people sending flowers were either not aware of that tradition or ignored it.

There are certain situations where a family asking for donation would be acceptable, and they have been discussed in this thread. Since the OP is about a request for donations for the grandchild's college fund that is what I am addressing. And again, we all here understand that this "donation" is not a requirement, but that doesn't change the fact that I think the family (or the deceased) asking for it is in poor taste and extremely tacky. It is not the same as asking for a charitable donation to be made in the deceased name that would benefit research, or a community. It is asking for a personal handout to one's family. This isn'tabout immediate expenses for the wife so she can keep her home, or for minor children s they can have food on their table. Something most people would gladly contribute to, this is about paying for someone's education who has parents alive and well to either do it for them, or co-sign a loan for them. If you can't see the difference that is fine, but there is a difference.

While this is indeed an unconventional suggest to people seeking some way to honor the deceased, if that person had no particular interest in a research foundation or something in the community, but had been passionate about his grandchildrens' higher education, I see nothing wrong with suggesting somewhere donations can be made.