need help w/ a teenage problem

[lapinluv]

The fact that you think he needs to be involved in a family discussion about this incident means that you see him as a potential addition to the family (like a future son-in-law).

I agree strongly with this and what everyone else has said. Cut the ties. Your daughter (and you) are too emotionally tied to and involved in this boy. He should not be there when your husband is told - in fact your husband should already be aware of the situation. The boyfriend should have NOTHING to do with your family discussion/handling of this going forward.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

I didn't see any post by the OP where she was trying to "rescue" someone.

Believe it or not, these things do happen. I am sure when the OP left the two in the room it was the last thing she ever imagined happening. I will not sit here and judge her. She thought she was doing something nice for a boy who is having family problems. Maybe she cares about this boy (which it sounds like she does).

I do agree that he shouldn't be the one the tell the OP's DH. It's a family matter that needs to be dealt with just the family.

 

[dennis99ss]

While I understand the following may not be what the OP was looking for, it may be of some benefit.

In texas, at 13, there can be no consent to the act, whether it be It, O--- or A---. As such, the girl can make no consent. Therefore, in the eyes of texas, she is the victim of abuse, or was raped. It is of no consequence that the bf was 13 as well. The parents nor girl can stop a prosecution. If this did not occur in Tx, the law probably still applies, but you may want to reserach a bit.

In all liklihood, when you see the doctor, and explain the incident, that doctor is probably legally compelled to report the incident to Texas DSHS, who can then take action. While DSHS will probably not have involvement, besides welfare of the child, law enforcement will, as there is no defense to under 14 yr old activity, and the age of the bf does not matter, when the girl is 13. Even if you do not tell the dr why you are there, if he figures it out, i.e asking for bcp or preg. test, he is likely compelled to report.

 

[poohandwendy]

Originally posted by Miss Jasmine
I didn't see any post by the OP where she was trying to "rescue" someone.

Believe it or not, these things do happen. I am sure when the OP left the two in the room it was the last thing she ever imagined happening. I will not sit here and judge her. She thought she was doing something nice for a boy who is having family problems. Maybe she cares about this boy (which it sounds like she does).

I do agree that he shouldn't be the one the tell the OP's DH. It's a family matter that needs to be dealt with just the family.

I totally agree that she does care for him, and it is very kind that she does. However, it sounds like he is too close and that has given him the idea that he could go way farther than he should have.

I know she didn't say she was trying to rescue him, but it is obvious that she feels a level of responsibility for him. At this point, I think it is time to cut those ties. If she doesn't, she is giving her DD the impression that he is an accepted member of the family. A BF to a 13 yo should never be 'family'....that is TOO close. She asked for opinions. This is mine.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

PAW, I didn't have any problems with what you said, it was Jillpie saying it was strange and that there was some thread with the OP trying to "rescue" someone.

 

[MELSMICE]

Hugs to the OP.

For what my opinion is worth here's what I would do at this point:

I think if you try to completely hault all communication with this boy your daughter could rebel, however, I do feel that cutting off the communication should be your ultimate goal over course of the next few weeks.

Somehow, someway cut the phone calls down from daily, to a few times a week, even if it means getting your DD out of house when you know he is going to be calling. Eventually, make it difficult for them to even be in phone contact. Screen calls if you have to. (she's in the bathroom, she's outside, whatever!)

Keep a close monitor on the computer & the IM'ing. Do you know his screen name? Speaking from experience, teens will immediately minimize a "conversation" when a parent walks in the room. Our rule is "if you minimize it, you are trying to hide something, therefore, you are done with the computer for the rest of the day".

Don't come outright & tell your DD that you are trying to cut off communication with the boy, just gradually do it. Get her involved in other activites & with other friends.

As much as you feel bad for this boy, it is not your job to rescue him. From what you have said, I believe if you continue to try & rescue him, it could backfire & you could eventually be helping your daughter make a decision of whether to keep a baby, abort it or give it up for adoption (I know, a little harsh, but reality).

I also don't think this boy should be there when your DH is told what they have done. What is there to gain from that? This boy has enough problems, obviously, without having to deal with your DH's reaction, which probably won't be positive!

Good luck with everything. Keep the lines of communication open with your DD, but get her out of this situation - fast. Nothing good can come of it.

 

[poohandwendy]

Sorry, I don't know what jillpie is talking about, I am only responding to this thread...I am unaware of any of the Op's posts on other threads...


does that make sense?

 

[poohandwendy]

well said melsmice...said it better than I could....

 

[disneyatl]

WOW this thread is freaking me out. I'm already nervous about my daughter leaving elementary school next year and starting middle school. I sure don't want to think about her having sex. My DD is almost 11 and I am always talking openly to her and always try to answer any questions honestly. Be very thankful that your daughter approached you and told you. I know I could have never done that with my parents. Sex wasn't something we talked about at home while I was growing up. I suppose that is why I try to keep all lines of communication open.

I don't have any advice to give that hasn't been said. Keep talking to your daughter and good luck!

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I see you have posted on another thread that the boy is 15 years old and not 13 like your daughter - which I assume means High Schooler going to be driving soon.

I won't be judgemental and I'm sorry if I appeared that way before. Everybody who has kids can tell you they will do things that make you want to rip your hair out. None of us are immune to that.

But IMHO - GET YOUR DAUGHTER AWAY FROM HIM!

and that is about all I can say.

 

[poohandwendy]

I have to say, this thread is a good example of why 13 is too young for 'boyfriend/girlfriend relationships'. That age should be more about, "I like so and so', see them at school and all...but it should not go as far as spending time together one on one...JMHO.

(I am not trying to harp on the OP, just think it is something all parents should think about. I know far too many parents who think it is 'cute' that their midddle school kids are involved in romantic relationships....they are far too immature to handle their own hormones and make decisions for the right reasons)

 

[WDWMom]

I may get flamed for this but here is goes...


You asked what you did wrong???? I too have a 13 year old DD and we do not allow her to have a boyfriend. She can not even talk to boys privately on the phone. She is not allowed to date. Are we over protective??? NO. Why do 13 year olds need boy/girlfriends? They don't. They do not need that kind of pressure, they are no mature enough for the emotional aspect of sex. I do not understand parents who let their children date and have boy/girlfriends so young. If they are dating and kissing at 13, what does that leave them to do at 16 but have sex.

Our society is letting our children to grow up too fast these days. 13 year olds are still children and do not need the freedoms of high schoolers.

Sorry... I have no advice for you at this point, except to NEVER LEAVE THEM ALONE AGAIN. It is too bad this happened at such a young age. As a middle school teacher who teaches reproductive health, I am going to guess she will have regretted this in the future.

 

[phillybeth]

Originally posted by dennis99ss
While I understand the following may not be what the OP was looking for, it may be of some benefit.

In texas, at 13, there can be no consent to the act, whether it be It, O--- or A---. As such, the girl can make no consent. Therefore, in the eyes of texas, she is the victim of abuse, or was raped. It is of no consequence that the bf was 13 as well. The parents nor girl can stop a prosecution. If this did not occur in Tx, the law probably still applies, but you may want to reserach a bit.

In all liklihood, when you see the doctor, and explain the incident, that doctor is probably legally compelled to report the incident to Texas DSHS, who can then take action. While DSHS will probably not have involvement, besides welfare of the child, law enforcement will, as there is no defense to under 14 yr old activity, and the age of the bf does not matter, when the girl is 13. Even if you do not tell the dr why you are there, if he figures it out, i.e asking for bcp or preg. test, he is likely compelled to report.

If the female cannot give consent at 13, neither can the male. Neither partner can consent if under the age of 16, or intoxicated. They are not legally competent to give consent.

 

[Castlebound]

The last thing the OP should do is make her DD feel like she is in trouble for telling her about "doing it". When I was 15 I had a boyfriend that was great around me but real scum around everyone else. He had the nobody loves me story too. I didn't want to listen when other people would tell me about how he really was and that he was just putting on an act for me. My parents found out about his reputation and were not happy. My mom stormed into my room one night and asked me if I was having sex with him. I of course told her no (I wasn't but I would have told her no even if I was because of the way she was acting). She then said, "good, you better not, because if I catch you there will be heck to pay!" Let me tell you all that little "talk" did was make sure I never talked to my mom about sex or relationships. My parents then got the bright idea to forbid me to see him. So I just didn't let them know that I was seeing him. Let me tell you a secret, teens have friends that will lie for them. After awhile I figured out on my own that he really was scum and was just acting nice to try to get in my pants. So we broke up. I probably would have ended it sooner if my parents wouldn't have forbid me to see him.

If she trusted you enough to talk to you then you shouldn't hurt that trust by punshing her. She could have not told you and kept "doing it" because she didn't think she could stop once she did it with him. Ask her what she wants to do about this relationship. Explain how you feel and what you think should happen. Not because she is in trouble but because you feel that 13 is still too young for a sexual relationship. The human body was not made to carry a baby at 13, and that can happen. Talk about both the good and bad thing that can happen with a sexual relationship. The big thing is TALK! Don't shut down because it is hard for you to talk about with her.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have been busy, and have not seen any other thread... But, if this boy is 15, almost 16, then I will use even stronger language here.

I have to ask myself, just what was the OP thinking!!! Allow 'encourage' her 13 year old DD to have a relationship with a guy two years older. One who she openly labels as 'at risk'. then, come and post like, 'what did I do wrong'?????

This is now all so unbelievable that I too have to wonder what the heck is the 'truth'. ?????????????

If this situation does exists, as the OP has indicated, then, I say she had better look out, she may just be reaping the results.

What does she want, a 13/14 year old child, giving birth to the baby of a troubled 'at risk' father. What happens if the pregnancy puts this boy over the edge... Then what? The OP mentioned teen suicides in her community. This is a NO WIN situation and the OP should put a stop to the whole thing immediately. It is her responsibility to protect her daughter.

This is a 13 year old child at risk here. How will the OP feel if the worst does happen?

I think that some parents are just TOO close to their children, and live vicariosly through them. IMHO, a parent should NOT be involved in ANY way with a childs sex life. At 13 years old there should not even be any opportunity for a 'sex life'! Also, after reading other recent threads.. a parents sex life is no business of the child. It just amazes me how some people think that they do not have to always be 'completely honest' 'completely involved' and 'open with their spouses lives, but they feel compelled to dump all kinds of 'honesty' on young teens, and to be completely overly involved with their childrens personal lives?

 

[dennis99ss]

Neither party, at 13, can consent. that does not mean that a 13 yr old cannot be responsible, or culpable.

Even worse, now that it turns out the boy may be 15, my advise to the parents is to turn the kid in. It's clear, this is a case of statutory rape, (sexual assault)

Of course, be ready for an investigation into you(op) as well

 

[sharbear]

I totally agree with MELSMICE, nicely said!

Now is not the time to lay blame. What has happened, happened. The OP needs advise on what to do NOW, not lay blame on what has happened in the past. The past is past and she needs to do what is best and right for her daughter.

I have two teenagers and I can only offer hugs. This is so hard to deal with, every teenage mother's worst nightmare. I really agree with MELSMICE, try to ease your daughter away from this boyfriend, as gently as possible.

My daughter had a friend that we thought was a bad influence. She wasn't interested in school, wanted my DD to be her only friend. Her mother liked to try to keep her daughter away from the other girls in the class, i.e. you are the unpopular, different from eveyone else child and everyone is againist you, blah, blah, blah.

I made an effort to distance my child from this girl. My DD wasn't happy, girls didn't want to be her friend because of this other girl. They didn't see each other over the summer, I sent my DD to camp and involved her in other activities. I limited phone calls, esp. during the week when my DD has homework. Fast forward to this year, the girl has found a boyfriend and my daughter is hanging out with other girls. She is so happy, it was truly a great decision for us. Things are completely different from last year. The best part is that she is happy and is getting one B and the rest are A's.

 

[bumcat]

she has been seeing him since she was 12 and he was 14.
Sounds like the OP was trying to rescue this kid but unfortunately her daughter got caught up in it and now needs to be rescued. JMO
Good luck, I think you guys should think about counseling.

 

[phillybeth]

Originally posted by dennis99ss
Neither party, at 13, can consent. that does not mean that a 13 yr old cannot be responsible, or culpable.

Even worse, now that it turns out the boy may be 15, my advise to the parents is to turn the kid in. It's clear, this is a case of statutory rape, (sexual assault)

Of course, be ready for an investigation into you(op) as well

No, it's not clear.

I don't know about the laws in Texas, but I know in PA there must be GREATER than a 2 year age difference between the parties, and the female must be younger than 16, for it to be considered stat rape. 13 and 17? Stat rape. 13 and 15, with both parties under the age of consent? They MIGHT be able to get the boy on a juvie charge, but I don't know. Supposedly consensual intercourse between persons not of an age to give consent? It's not usually prosecuted.

 

[poohandwendy]

For goodness sakes, why are we discussing reporting this boy for statuatory rape charges? This was a mutual act and it does not sound like she was coerced into anything. I cannot imagine making him a criminal in this...they BOTH decided to do this and their age difference is not that extreme.

I could see if he wouldn't leave her alone after the parents ask him to stay away or something, but sheesh...it's not like he is a freaking predator or in a totally different age group, just a normal teenage boy and girl who went too far, way too soon....