need help w/ a teenage problem

[hmwnick]

I can't believe I am actually typing this message but...I need some advice. Yesterday, my 13 yo DD told me that she & her boyfriend did "it" the day before. My emotions were all over the place. I have not told her dad because is working out of state & I'm afraid of how he will handle it. It is the 1st time for both kids. Where did I go wrong...I have talked about everything w/ her (not like my parents) I am glad she told me but I have been nearly ill ever since. I don't know what to do next...suggestions. Sorry for the "downer" thread.

 

[goofy4tink]

I have nothing to help you other than a hug. My dd was 17 when I got that particular 'news'. I can't imagine what you are feeling now. Hopefully your dd was 'safe'. Even when we try to be there for them and talk to them and raise them 'right' this stuff still happens. All I can offer is to say keep being there for her. Keep the lines of communication open no matter how hard it is to hear what she has to say. Hang in there.

 

[Trish Bessette]

Hugs to you. My DD's are younger so I have no concrete advice. With that being said, I have to say that it is a good thing your daughter came to you to discuss. Don't get caught up in the "where did I go wrong" because you didn't. Continue to offer advise especially if she continues to be active.

Good luck to you.

 

[danacara]

I don't think you "went wrong." Based on the tone of your post you sound like an amazingly caring mother. The first thing I'd do is get her on some kind of birth control ASAP. Good luck with everything moving forward.

 

[bubie2.5]

You must be doing something right for her to trust you like that. I would talk to her about birth control and safe sex.

 

[swanmom]

Remember she TOLD you...............thank heavens. You must have instilled in her a great deal of trust in your guidance and judgement. As everyone said, keeping her comfortable talking with you is critical. You might even want to clarify with her what 'it' is.......sometimes what kids think is the 'act' ins't really accurate. Since she's already taken some steps that you might have preferred she'd be a little older before she had taken them, it's good that she feels she can talk to you so you can continue to give her your older, more epxerienced insight.

 

[LindaR]

Are you certain that her version of "it" is the same as your version of "it"???

How old is her boyfriend?

Like others have said, be thankful that you are able to communicate with your daughter. Keep it up. Tell her how you feel. AND get her to the doctor ASAP. Birth control pills are not enough.

How long have they been together? What made her decide that the time was right to do this? You really need to explore (you can fall apart later, in private) her reasons for doing this. Is she going to do this with every boyfriend that she has because she thinks she's supposed to?

Talk, talk, talk................and more importantly, listen to what she's saying (and not saying)

 

[Jillpie]

I have three boys and I have to go in the other direction. We are the type of parents that supervision at this age is a must. My 16DS has a girlfriend and we are constantly watching over them, not always in the same room, but every half an hour or so, we "have to do the laundry" or something. I have to wonder, when did your daughter have the time enough with her boyfriend to be alone for so long? I would be extremely careful from this point on, age 13 is way too young for her to handle this kind of intimacy. JMO.

 

[holycow]

I'm agreeing with Jillpie here....13 is WAY to young to handle this emotionally....I would definately keep the lines of communication open with her and remind her that she can be prego and then where will that lead her and you to?

but I definately wouldn't leave them alone again! EVER.


Holycow

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I think you are probably right to not tell your DH right away. She came to you with the information, and I think that it is likely that she is depending on you to help her find a way out of this. One you have a game plan in place, maybe you can suggest that you and your daughter together tell Dad -- as well as being able to present him with some solutions.

I would recommend trying to calmly meet with your daughter to discuss this issue. You are right in thinking that it is doubtful a 13 year old girl has the mental maturity needed to form such a relationship. Together you need to explore what she was feeling and why she took such an action. Medical advice is also key.

 

[DawnCt1]

Originally posted by Jillpie
I have three boys and I have to go in the other direction. We are the type of parents that supervision at this age is a must. My 16DS has a girlfriend and we are constantly watching over them, not always in the same room, but every half an hour or so, we "have to do the laundry" or something. I have to wonder, when did your daughter have the time enough with her boyfriend to be alone for so long? I would be extremely careful from this point on, age 13 is way too young for her to handle this kind of intimacy. JMO.

You are sooo right! The first thing I would do is to contact his parents and set up a meeting. These two children have made it clear that they require much more supervision. I would set the expectation that they are NOT to be sexually active. I would also take her to a gyn to be sure that she has no STD's. I know that this girl said it was the first time for both, but does she really know? The mom may need to have the safe sex, bc pill conversation but with that comes tacit approval, something I would not provide.

 

[Lachesis00]

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by danacara
I don't think you "went wrong." Based on the tone of your post you sound like an amazingly caring mother. The first thing I'd do is get her on some kind of birth control ASAP. Good luck with everything moving forward.

I echo danacara. I would have her to the GYN doc quickly and put here on BC. I would NOT want my dd to do "it" again and get pregnant at 13yo. Take every precaution that could risk her future health & fertility.

 

[poohandwendy]

As has been said previously, you obviously have done something right because she is talking to you, but I totally understand your concerns because she is very young. 13 is way too young to be involved in a sexual relationship, but obviously it happens sometimes.

There are 2 issues that need addressed, her health (she most definitely needs to be taking precautions regarding STDs and pregnancy) and her emotional relationship with this boy.

How long have they been together? What made her decide that the time was right to do this? You really need to explore (you can fall apart later, in private) her reasons for doing this. Is she going to do this with every boyfriend that she has because she thinks she's supposed to?

These are definitely questions that need asked. I hate to bring this up, because you definitely could not have just predicted this, but how much unsupervised time does she have to spend with him? It sounds like the reins need pulled in a bit because she is moving really fast for her maturity level, 13 is very, very young. I say this because even with BC, a 13 year old is rarely mature enough to be responsible about it ALL of the time (hell, even a 25yo can be irresponsible about using precautions)...but 13...that's way young. I am not suggesting punishment or grounding, just less unsupervised time.

Also, I am assuming this was totally consentual because of the tone of your OP, but was this a situation that was a heat-of-the-moment type thing or one that they had been planning?

As mentioned before, TALK often and openly, find out where she is at and why. big hugs, it is not easy parenting teens....sounds like you are really open with eachother, that is 1/2 the battle.

 

[hmwnick]

we too have been very careful. they were alone about an hour. We went to visit DH in FL & this happened while he & I went to dinner downstairs in the hotel restaurant. We were staying in a suite, they were supposed to be watching my 7 & 9 yo. I wish we had never taken the boyfriend w/ us. He is going through a very difficult time, his parents are divorcing. Things are bad @ home & he needed a break. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen that night. I am full of regrets!!!! They have been "going together" for a year & I agree that 13 is WAY to young. Somehow we will get through this. I have been praying non-stop that she doesn't get pregnant. I had to call in sick to work today so I can get a handle on this. & to make things worse, while we were gone 3 classmates were killed in an auto accident. I even feel guilty being so upset when there are parents who are planning their child's funeral. Please pray for all of us!

 

[RitaZ.]

Originally posted by LindaR
Are you certain that her version of "it" is the same as your version of "it"???

How old is her boyfriend?

Like others have said, be thankful that you are able to communicate with your daughter. Keep it up. Tell her how you feel. AND get her to the doctor ASAP. Birth control pills are not enough.

How long have they been together? What made her decide that the time was right to do this? You really need to explore (you can fall apart later, in private) her reasons for doing this. Is she going to do this with every boyfriend that she has because she thinks she's supposed to?

Talk, talk, talk................and more importantly, listen to what she's saying (and not saying)

I agree with Linda. Are you certain that her version of "it" is really "it"?

I understand and agree that she did come to you and told you about it, that's good. I know that you are sick over it and rightfully so, IMO, 13 yrs. old is wayyyy too young for that type of intimacy AND responsibility.

No real advice to offer, just hugs to you.

 

[KIRSTIN'S MOMMY]

I don't have any advice, my dd is only 4 so I have this to look forward to I guess....Just wanted to say good luck and keep the lines of communication open with her. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

 

[Robmom]

My DD is 12 and I don't know how I would react to hear news like that. I agree with the others - are you sure "it" is really "it". My DD had a "boyfriend" recently but it was short lived and were never alone together. They didn't even go as far as holding hands. From what I can tell, that's about as far as they go at 12. But obviously not in all cases. I don't think my DD would tell me like yours did. I don't know if I would really want to know, but I also wouldn't want to be a grandma this quickly. Please talk to her about the consequences of what she and her boyfriend has done.

 

[poohandwendy]

Originally posted by hmwnick
we too have been very careful. they were alone about an hour. We went to visit DH in FL & this happened while he & I went to dinner downstairs in the hotel restaurant. We were staying in a suite, they were supposed to be watching my 7 & 9 yo. I wish we had never taken the boyfriend w/ us. He is going through a very difficult time, his parents are divorcing. Things are bad @ home & he needed a break. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen that night. I am full of regrets!!!! They have been "going together" for a year & I agree that 13 is WAY to young. Somehow we will get through this. I have been praying non-stop that she doesn't get pregnant. I had to call in sick to work today so I can get a handle on this. & to make things worse, while we were gone 3 classmates were killed in an auto accident. I even feel guilty being so upset when there are parents who are planning their child's funeral. Please pray for all of us!

Take a deep breath and give yourself a break. You obviously care and are very involved with your DD.

I think I would sit them both down together and seperately and discuss this. They also need to face his parents with this, even though they are going through a divorce, they need to know what their son is involved in. JMHO.

 

[danacara]

Originally posted by DawnCt1
You are sooo right! The first thing I would do is to contact his parents and set up a meeting. These two children have made it clear that they require much more supervision. I would set the expectation that they are NOT to be sexually active. I would also take her to a gyn to be sure that she has no STD's. I know that this girl said it was the first time for both, but does she really know? The mom may need to have the safe sex, bc pill conversation but with that comes tacit approval, something I would not provide.

1. If you have such a horrendous meeting, she will never come to you in confidence again. I would never humiliate my thirteen year old in front of adults she doesn't know, especially when she is making decisions to suggest that she feels a little bit off-balance already. Most fundamentally, that's why you'd have a meeting like that - to shame your kids. The insistence on a future course of action as described above (total supervision, no birth control, etc) means that there's really nothing to be discussed at a meeting.
2. Supervise away, but you simply can't be there every hour of every day. If you want these two to go at it in the bathroom at the middle school during lunchtime, I suggest following the above advice, because that's what you are going to get, especially if you have shamed them to the point where they feel like they are the only mutual support available.
3. If you bring a sexually active 13 year old to the gyno and refuse to take any measures to protect her from pregnancy, I hope the very well-educated gyno says something to get through to you. If not, I suggest stopping at Babies R Us on the way home to pick up a crib for that grandchild you'll soon be raising.
4. Of course, you don't approve. She knows full well that you don't approve, she always has. Your thirteen year old is bright enough to know that you didn't approve before and you don't approve now. You are past the point of tacit approval and into the realm of pragmatic management.

Good luck.

D