need help w/ a teenage problem

[Divamomto3]

Ok, I've read the entire 8 pages now and can I just say that I am WIGGED out big time! I have a 12 year old son. I can't imagine him having the opportunity or courage to complete a sex act. Maybe I'm totally naive about the courage part, but I can be sure there'd be no opportunity part.

What has me the most shocked, is the attitude that this is somehow an act that stems from pushing and prodding or even coercion on the boy's part. Are you all feeling that way because 1) he's a boy or 2) he's 2 years older or 3) he's "troubled"? Or a combination of the three?

I have 3 sons so I'm quite interested.

Is it his fault if the 13 year old has been allowed to act 15? Is it his fault if the relationship has been identified as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and allowed to be so by the parents? Obviously, regardless of chronological age, they are at the same maturity level. Because of his problems and her being allowed to act like an older teen, they probably average out at around 14 years old together. They are close enough in age to view each other as peers. This is not the same situation as a 17 year old boy and a 13 year old girl.

To the OP...I think you realize now that it was too much too soon. Being a parent is beyond hard. But my question is how and why you'd want or let your daughter be involved with this kid who has the great likelihood of living a troubled life. Aren't these the kinds of people we try to steer our children away from?

 

[MELSMICE]

Originally posted by mamajoan
For those of you who think your 13 year olds are above doing so... you need take off those rose colored glasses and take look around.

ITA! I always say - don't judge someone else until you are in their situation. You can say what you want about "I would do this, I would do that". Believe me.......until you are in the same situation as someone else you have NO IDEA what you would do.

I hope & pray that my DD's will be smart enough never to get themselves in a situation like this. We talk VERY openly about it & what it can do to your life, but I can't be there when the decision ultimately has to be made. I tell my 15 year old right now - when you are in "that situation" remember my voice in your head telling you what is the right thing to do. I tell her that she'll be so distracted by my voice that she won't even want to do "anything". I certainly hope that is the case when she's faced with these decisions.

Anyway, don't judge someone elses actions until you've walked in their shoes.

 

[TnKrBeLlA012]

I posted earlier on this thread. I'm just reading some of what other people write. The one thing I learned while raising my two teenagers is you have to be a mother and then a friend. I sent my kids to private school and tried to always sheild them from alot of adult issues. My husbands family are strict Italians. I found I was worse. No PG movies, no swearing, and no hanging out with older kids. I pretty much watched all their moves. I think I actually made them a little scared. You know what? Good! The world is getting to be to free. Parents want their kids to grow up fast. Being popular and having a boyfriend/girlfriend is thought of as cute. Then later on parents have new and more serious problems. Kids need to be kids for as long as they can. My kids were not in the popular crowd. To me that was okay. I wanted them to enjoy their youth. They can leave the boyfriends till later. One last important thing I would never let my kids be, counselers to troubled peers. Thats not their responsibility and being a boyfriend or girlfriend to them is out the question. You are only putting them in a bad situation. I only want whats best for my children. Every parent should put their kids first. Too many parents out there have no buisness having kids. I worked to hard to give my kids a good foundation for the negligent ones to ruin it. Parents have to be strong and lead by good examples. Your kids are a reflection of you.

 

[Donalds_best_pal]

Wow, 13 or around then is pretty young to have sex. I am 15 and no lots of kids my age talking about there "fun" but I still think thats young. I wouldnt blame everything on the boy, I havent read the rest of the thread so I can respond to everything.
TnKrBeLlA012
In response to your post, NO PG movies, talk about over protect. I am a kid so my opinion will probably be ignored but parents somtimes over shield there kids. My aunt wont let her kids see the news on ever. When kids are shielded from everything they are then not prepared for the real word. I just get so ticked when parents over shield there kids and then the kids no nothing about the real world. Enough venting.
Matt

 

[justhat]

Originally posted by Donalds_best_pal
I am a kid so my opinion will probably be ignored but parents somtimes over shield there kids.

I have to agree with 'the kid." Banning PG movies from teenagers is a bit extreme. The day camp I worked at when I was in high school used to let kids 6 and up watch PG movies, and I rarely found anything that I thought teenagers shouldn't be watching. Though you obviously want to protect your kids, overprotecting them can have the same effects as being negligent (and I have to add I do not think the OP was negligent at all).

To think that a child will never have any time alone with a boyfriend/girlfriend is not logical. While they may not have time alone with them at your house, it's possible at a friend's house, unless of course you never let them out of the house for anything other than school. When I was 8 I went to a friend's house and her mom left us home alone. I knew I wasn't allowed to stay home alone yet, but thought if I told my mom then I might not be able to go back to that friend's house. My point with that story is that if you don't allow your kids to watch certain movies, hang out with certain kids, etc., it can happen without your knowledge, especially if it's a freedom your child wants, other kids have, and they enjoy it. So while I'm not saying that every kid is sneaking around their parents backs to do what they want, I am saying that if you think your child can never be exposed to things you want to shelter them from, unless you do actually keep them in a bubble it's impossible.

(Oh, and I did eventually tell my mom that I was left home alone at my friend's house, but she did let me go back there after she spoke with the mom about me not staying alone.)

 

[phillybeth]

You know, not that much has changed in 23 years...

When I was 13, I 'broke up' with a boy I was 'dating' (we talked on the phone and ignored each other at school ) when his friend told my friend that he wanted to kiss me. But at the same time, in the same school and the same classes, there were girls who were having sex regularly at 13, not more than a dozen or so in a class of 120 (and probably the same for the boys). That was in 1981. So fully 20% of my eighth grade class was sexually active at 13/14 YO. At a private, catholic school, before MTV and curses on TV during family hour and PG-13 ratings at the movies.

And just think- fewer than 20% came from families touched by divorce! I think in 8th grade we had 5 kids whose parents were divorced.

 

[MELSMICE]

Originally posted by Donalds_best_pal
In response to your post, NO PG movies, talk about over protect. I am a kid so my opinion will probably be ignored but parents somtimes over shield there kids.

I fully agree - parents can be over protective on goofy things. Over the summer I let my daughters (15, 12 & 12) watch the movie Thirteen. It was very graphic about a middle school girl that got in with the wrong crowd & started doing drugs, drinking & having sex - like I said - VERY GRAPHIC!!!

My intention was to show them what not to do & tell them that if they went down the wrong path what they watched is what WOULD happen.

As a parent we shouldn't be niave enough to think that our kids don't see or know about things just because we, ourselves, don't expose them to it. I would rather watch something with my kids (including PG13 or even R rated movies) & then talk to them about it. Believe me - kids know more than we would like to believe!

Get them ready for what's out there - don't shield them from it.

 

[missyc]

To think that a child will never have any time alone with a boyfriend/girlfriend is not logical. While they may not have time alone with them at your house, it's possible at a friend's house, unless of course you never let them out of the house for anything other than school.

Unless you have that bubble to keep them in!
My sister was the absolute worst teenager you could ever imagine. I'm honestly surprised my parents lived through it. Boys snuck in, she snuck out (until they put BARS on the bedroom window ), she skipped school, she even had sex IN school. My parents practically went insane. Looking back there are lots of things we can say our parents did wrong or could have done differently, but they did what they thought was best at the time. Most things just caused her to rebel even more. I am 2 yrs younger and we were always best friends growing up. I am SOOOOO lucky that I was usually just along for the ride and stayed out of most of the trouble!
My sister did turn out to be a decent adult, and she learned a lot from herself as a teen & how our parents handled her. So far we are very lucky with her 14 yr old daughter. In the past year I've probably heard my sister say "OMG remember what I was doing at this age?" at least 100 times.

 

[missyc]

Originally posted by Donalds_best_pal
. I am a kid so my opinion will probably be ignored Matt

Your input is valued more than you realize!

 

[DisneyMomx7]

I wouldn't dream of telling you how to handle this because I haven't been in that situation. It sounds to me like you are a very caring parent and the fact that your daughter had enough trust in you to tell you what happened is a good sign.

Raising teenagers is the most difficult job around (I know I've already raised 4). All I can do is to tell you that I think everyone on these boards will have you in our thoughts and prayers.

Wishing you the best of luck.

 

[TnKrBeLlA012]

My post was only giving my way of parenting. That dosen't mean it works for everyone. All I will say is my oldest daughter is 19. She dates but tells the boy right away what her believes and morales are. Some go and some she dates for a while. She lets me know that she will be that way till she's married. I can only hope. That thought in mind gives me a feeling that I did something right as a parent. She could have turned out another way also. I think alot has to do with the child. Some kids a more strong willed than others. As far as shielding them. That I would do the same if I had to do it all over again. There is nothing wrong with wanting to protect your childrens innocence. I would never dream of allowing them to watch R movies at a young age. Even certain tv shows I would monitor. Again different parents do different things. To each their own. Everyone lives with their own consequences. I just believed I wanted my girls to be thought of as classy. I told them people will judge you by your actions. So they always said classy before trashy. I drilled that into their heads. Thankfully up until this point they are good kids. I do take some credit for that.

 

[Tiggeroo]

TnKrBeLlA012 i was a fairly strict parent but you definitely have me beat. I didn't want to decide on movies based on rating but rather on content. Aave kidssed a bit and helnd I wanted my kids to be able to handle being away at college and it not be the first time they were exposed to values and temptations different then ours.
One thing concerns me about this situation. The fact that they were only left alone for a short period of time with younger siblings in the room and parents nearby going to walk in at any second, and they do this. That makes me think they have been doing it before or at least been super close. I don't think a couple kids who have kissed a bit and held hands would suddenly under such circumstances jump to such a high level of intimacy otherwise.

 

[RitaZ.]

unless of course you never let them out of the house for anything other than school.

Don't be too sure that sex isn't happening at schools.

During DS's birthday party (9), I was talking to another mom that happens to be a teacher at a local middle school and let's just say that I was left speechless. This middle school is located in a "well to do" area and I would have never guessed this was happening among kids of such young ages, but according to this teacher, kids are having sex in the bathroom. From this conversation, I also learned about "rainbow parties"!

All I know is that, where there is a will, there is a way. Unless we keep our kids in complete isolation and wearing a chastity belt, I don't see how we can control what they do 100% of the time.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhhh jeez!!!! (in response to - hey, open your eyes, young children ARE having sex....) Nobody, Nobody, here is thinking that all 13 year old children are little innocents. Just the opposit.... We KNOW that these things do happen.

The HUGE difference here is how we react to that knowledge... To me, it is all the more reason to LOOK OUT FOR AND PROTECT MY 13 YEAR OLD!!!!!

To the other way of thinking... (Hey, just let them do what they will do....) Well, the results are 13 year old children bearing the babies, STD's, etc.. of older kids!!!! Girls having the babies of very troubled and at risk boys who can never be 'Fathers'... And who will most likely end up out of the picture. What about the psychological issues of what happens when the boy ends up doing drugs to deal with his 'issues'. What about if he turns to suicide... Anybody who advocates subjecting a 13 year old to these possibilities and not doing EVERYTHING to protect them, well, IMHO, they are the ones who are very very wrong.

Sure they want to be with the 'in' crowd... Sure they want girlfrieind/boyfriend relationships... Some do want sex.... You know, as parents we learn by the time our kids are two years old that, YES, kids want a LOT of things that they should not partake in!!!! It is our JOB to teach and protect them!

I have to know that I am the one with my eyes open.

 

[cruisnfamily]

Originally posted by RitaZ.
From this conversation, I also learned about "rainbow parties"!

Do tell! What's a "rainbow party"?

 

[northern michigan]

I remember a lesson I learned from my parents when I was in HS over 20 years ago. I never did admit my parents were right, but I eventually found they were.

I was 17 (either a jr. or sr. in HS) and was not even allowed to date a boy out of HS. He was only 2 years older than me. My parents told me he had two more years of experience than I. That's not what they said, but what they meant. They were right. Although, I had to find out on my own behind their back, it only took him one date to make moves far beyond those of my male peers. From then on, I stuck with my peer group for dating.

I intend to only allow my DD's to date their peers as well. They are 12 and 8 now. There are students dating in DD's 6th grade class now. I don't have a firm age set yet, but my intention is 16 for a one-on-one type dates. Wish me luck in standing firm. This thread will definitely help me keep my resolve! Middle school is tough. Once I get one DD through, the other enters. Poor planning on my part. They want to grow up so fast. There's a fine parenting line between protecting them and encouraging independence. I've only crossed over toward growing independence since last June. It's baby steps for me.

I'm thankful that a have a partner in this battle, my DD's Catholic School.

Just thinking now...if this had been my daughter...maybe involving this young lady in some type of community outreach program involving teen mothers might be a way of making an impression. Maybe she could babysit for these young mothers at night when they often attend school in an effort to graduate on time. This would instill the value of doing community service, possibly teach her something about where inappropriate behavior leads, and utilize some of her free time. One community service effort may lead her to others and allow her to use her compassion where it can really have an impact. She may make some new friends with similar values. Might be worth a try.

 

[justhat]

Don't be too sure that sex isn't happening at schools.

You're right. When I was in high school, you could take photography as an elective. It was a class held during regular school hours, but the teacher was very flexible and if you wanted to stay after school and work on projects she would leave the darkroom unlocked. No one ever went in there until 5:30pm when the janitors would come to clean and lock up. This was well known by students as the place to 'do it'. Yes, gross I know, but that was the reality. When I was 15 a guy in my class brought my friend's sister to the darkroom for her first time and she was only 13 then too! Oh, and the yearbook office, let's just say more went on in that room than designing a yearbook. So you're right, they can't be sheltered/protected totally, so trying to do it while they're in your house might just backfire since when they are exposed to things on their own they might not know how to react. Sorta like the kid who isn't allowed any sweets getting free reign in a candy shop....

 

[Twigs]

To find out what a rainbow party is and some other slang references, check out this site from Oprah.com

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/...slang.xml&section=Family&subsection=Parenting

 

[Ronda93]

If hmwnick is still reading this is what I think

Your daughter told you about this because she wants it to stop. Someone said it earlier, kids want boundaries.

A two year gap at this age is disasterous. She should not see him anymore. Don't be maniacal about phone calls, but I suspect that if you play the heavy she'll accept your demands and use you as her excuse to him.

The boy should not be part of any explanation to anyone. This is between you, your husband and your daughter. To echo earlier comments, to include him only validates his position in your daughter's life which should be minimized, not maximized by a dramatic blowup around the dinner table.

I don't want to be an alarmist, but your daughter may be starting a pattern that could haunt her for life. It sounds like she may be at the point of "he needs me, I can help him, I can show him I love him". To get there she has done something that she KNOWS (as evidenced by her approaching you) is not in her best interest. Don't let her do it again.

I haven't seen anyone reply yet with "I had sex at 13 and I turned out okay".

Others have said and I'll second, that while unfortunate, the problems in this boy's family are not your responsibility in the slightest. Being understanding is one thing, but don't allow it to lower your expectations for your daughter.

You are in a very hard spot. You may have to run away from the feelings of sympathy for the boy to defend your daughter's future. I sincerely believe this is an opportunity to help your daughter return to being a child. Good luck.

 

[Donalds_best_pal]

Hello,

I guess my opinion was valued more then I thought. There are so many friends of mine who couldnt even go to PG-13 movies with me. Parents think we dont know anything about sex and stuff but thats not true. We know a lot more then parents think and even though we not be exposed to it at home there are lots of other ways of be exposed to stuff. My parents are raising be well to be a good mannered kid. I rarely ever get into serious trouble. So even though teens may be not exposed or know of all the bad and not bad stuff happening, they still can be a good person. Like others said if a child is over shielded they will go into the real world not knowing anything. My parents usually let me watch most R movies and all PG13. Its not that they are not protecting me but that they figure I am old and mature enough. Hopfully parents will learn to no shield kids to much. My latest thing is learning to drive and you need to be mature and no whats going on to do that.
Matt