need help w/ a teenage problem

[DawnCt1]

Originally posted by danacara
1. If you have such a horrendous meeting, she will never come to you in confidence again. I would never humiliate my thirteen year old in front of adults she doesn't know, especially when she is making decisions to suggest that she feels a little bit off-balance already. D

My intention wasn't to include the teens but for the parents to meet to discuss the situation. The parents of the boy may be just as upset as this mom is and they deserve to know. Furthermore, the issue of 13 year olds dating needs to be addressed. 13 is WAY too young to start dating. Whether the child will need birth control or not depends upon the resolution of discussions and parental involvement. It would certainly be a last resort for me.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by danacara
4. Of course, you don't approve. She knows full well that you don't approve, she always has. Your thirteen year old is bright enough to know that you didn't approve before and you don't approve now. You are past the point of tacit approval and into the realm of pragmatic management.

Good luck.

D

I agree with this.
Not only do you not want to be a grandma but it would be DANGEROUS to your dd's health to become pregnant this young. Take precaution by getting her BC & talking to her. 13yo is too young to "trust" to do the right thing all the time.

The situation you have set up with your dd and this boy is one of "rescuing". This tends to be a "Florence Nightgale" effect on your dd. She wants to comfort him and sex is a way to do it.

 

[damo]

I would want to know why they "did it" and then go from there. I see the "Florence Nightingale" effect here as well. Had the boy been saying that nobody loved him and your daughter needed to prove that she loved him or did she come up with the idea? Finding the root of the situation should help to determine a solution on getting them to not do it again.

 

[iamsorcerermickey]

PM sent

Karen

 

[TnKrBeLlA012]

I have two teenagers. I was always very strict about who their friends where and they never went places I didn't know the parents. They were never allowed to watch pg movies until they where about 13. They were very shy and I think I instilled a fear in them in certain areas. That being said all that means nothing if you have a determined child. I have been lucky up until this point. I do say lucky because once they are in the world of their peers they do give into certain pressures. My oldest daughter is 19. She tells me everything. She will even call and say what everyone is doing. Her friends have complained she tells me to much. I feel so lucky to have been blessed with two great kids. Raising kids is hard but once they hit their teens its scary. You worry about everything. Bad things can happen to the greatest of parents. All you can do is teach them good morales, lead by example,and sometimes show tough love. The rest is up to them. They will do what they want no matter what anyone says. You can only hope for the best. The only thing I'm not in favor of and never allowed was boyfriends until they where at least 16. They did not go out alone at that point either. It had to be with a group. You open up to many situations when they have boyfriends that young. Good Luck. It's not an easy job. One last thought. I had a surprise baby after 16 years. My older two are 17 and 19. That has been the best birth control in the world. They say they want no kids until they are 30,and thats on a good day.

 

[poohandwendy]

3. If you bring a sexually active 13 year old to the gyno and refuse to take any measures to protect her from pregnancy, I hope the very well-educated gyno says something to get through to you. If not, I suggest stopping at Babies R Us on the way home to pick up a crib for that grandchild you'll soon be raising.

I agree, BUT...a word of caution, putting a 13 yo girl on BC pills is NOT ENOUGH. Trust me, the vast majority of 13 yos are not consistently mature enough to take the pill in the way it is intended and you may as well just buy the crib if that is the main approach. A combination of things need to be addressed, BC (pills AND condoms) is only one.

 

[Crankyshank]

ITA with Dana. My only differing opinion is that she shouldn't be put on BCP. a 13yr old is too immature to handle taking the pill the same time every day. I would have her get depo and be made to understand the importance of using a condom

 

[CheshireVal]

I agree that it's definitely a good thing that she came to you about it, and that you really can't punish her for it or she'll never confide in you again.

However..... what about the fact that she was supposed to be babysitting your younger children? What were THEY doing while this went on? I'd be just as upset about her irresponsibility to her younger siblings as I would be about the other thing......

 

[MosMom]

I'm not even sure where to begin but I don't think something has started here that can't be stopped. I would continue to keep the lines of communication open and stress protection, however, I would talk to her about the experience and what exactly happened. Ask her if she enjoyed it. If she didn't, explain to her that sex is a complicated activity and if she doesn't enjoy it, she doesn't have to do it. It is very likely that she didn't enjoy it and feels "off" about it so she came to you.

To me, it seems ridiculous that a child can't handle remembering to take a pill at the same time everyday but can handle having sex? This just doesn't add up. Sure, you could remind her everyday but that is even MORE absurd.

If she is determined to keep having sex, I would then explain EVERYTHING. I would explain different acts and how they work. What she can do to him, what he can do to her. If she made that choice, I would want her to know it ALL so the little snot couldn't talk her into anything. Knowledge is power and I would want her to have an incredible amount of power in any sexual relationship.

Amazing what a difference a few years makes.

 

[poohandwendy]

To me, it seems ridiculous that a child can't handle remembering to take a pill at the same time everyday but can handle having sex? This just doesn't add up. Sure, you could remind her everyday but that is even MORE absurd.

LOL, you are using adult reasoning....they rarely can handle having sex either, but that doesn't stop them from wanting to....

If she is determined to keep having sex, I would then explain EVERYTHING. I would explain different acts and how they work. What she can do to him, what he can do to her. If she made that choice, I would want her to know it ALL so the little snot couldn't talk her into anything. Knowledge is power and I would want her to have an incredible amount of power in any sexual relationship.

Ok, I am baffled at this part.... what is your point?

 

[MosMom]

Originally posted by poohandwendy
LOL, you are using adult reasoning....they rarely can handle having sex either, but that doesn't stop them from wanting to.... Ok, I am baffled at this part.... what is your point?

My point is all the girls that give boys BJ's because they tell them it isn't really sex. All the misnomers that float around. As long as she knows the truth about it all, she can't fall for any of it.

As far as the first comment, I know that doesn't keep them from wanting to do it. I never said that. I simply stated it seems absurd to me.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I'm honestly still of a feeling that if a 13yo girl goes to Mom and confesses to this -- and it was the first time -- she could very well be hoping that Mom gets her out of this mess somehow.

If it were my daughter, we'd be seeing a counsellor PDQ to explore what thoughts and actions led to the act. Did things just get started and she just was never comfortable saying No? If so, that needs to be worked on. I'm guessing that since she told you, she doesn't want it to continue. She is looking for boundries. She needs to be given the tools to say to this boy "I made a huge mistake, I'm sorry but I'm not going to be doing that again for a very long time."

I'd also scare her to death with a trip to the GYN. Make sure they draw blood to test for AIDS and talk a good long time about STDs.

I wouldn't deny Birth Control to a 13yo who asked for it. But I wouldn't volunteer it either - unless advised to do so by a Health Professional or Counsellor.

 

[CheshireVal]

I responded earlier, but I've been thinking about this and just have to add something else.

I'm a middle school teacher and it scares the heck out of me to think of these kids having sex at such a young age. I spend 8 hours a day with them and they are NOT prepared for such a decision.

Most of them at this age don't really have boyfriends/girlfriends, per se. They "go together," but they don't really go on dates (unless it's a big group of friends going to the movies) or have any kind of significant or meaningful relationships.

I'm wondering about the fact that this boy was included in a family trip.... usually that's reserved for SERIOUS boyfriends and girlfriends in a longterm and committed relationship. (Or at least that's how it always has been with my friends and family!) I'm just wondering if maybe treating this relationship in a "not so adult" and serious manner might help.....

 

[kasar]

Oh my!
If this was my DD, I'd be on her like white on rice. Not only did she break your trust but she put her health in danger - in my book, that's when it's time for supermom. I'd be walking her to the bus stop, I'd be following her around the mall, I would sit outside the school bathrooms if I had to. Anything to assure these two weren't alone together. (I wouldn't suggest this for an older teen for fear of pushing them closer together, but at 13? That's way, way too young.)

I do not think it has anything to do with the way you raised her. I think they were curious, had an opportunity and took it. Maybe that was a mistake on your part (not sure I would have brought the boyfriend on a trip to begin with) giving them that opportunity but you can't change the past. You can control what happens in the future, though.

I also don't think 13 year olds are responsible enough to be trusted with bc pills. I have to remind my 12 year old to brush her teeth.

By the way, I'm assuming the boy is 13 too? I hope he's not older.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

I don't really have anything to add. It's so sad on so many levels and you have a right to be upset about it.

I'm sorry your trip to Florida ended up this way.

 

[Hillbeans]

Wow....13.

I was 19, and IMHO, that was young and I barely knew what I was doing.

Anyways.....the point here that I wanted to make is that it happened, and you can't go backwards. Just because it happened once, doesn't mean it needs to happen more now. I think BC is a good idea, but so is a talk about being mature enough to deal with all that comes with being active teenagers.

Hugs to you...my son is 3 and I can't even begin to think about this with him...oy vey.

 

[cruisnfamily]

Originally posted by kasar
I have to remind my 12 year old to brush her teeth.

This right here is the heart of the matter for me. We're talking about little kids here. Kids that still need to be reminded to brush teeth, kids that still get tucked in at night, kids that we wouldn't allow to see R rated movies, kids that shouldn't even be thinking about sex let alone having it. I feel so sad that our kids are losing their innocence at such young ages. By innocence, I don't mean virginity but their sense of wonder, their childhood.

OK, back on topic. Definitely many, many frank open talks with your DD are in order. I'd be asking things along the lines of
Why did it happen? Whose idea was it? Was it planned or spur of the moment? What type of "fooling around" had they been doing up until this point? Is this something she plans to do again? After these things have been answered I'd move on to the whole "waiting for your true love" type of conversation. Then I guess I'd be discussing a Gyn exam and setting one up right away to discuss her female health and the risks associated with this behavior with a Dr. Depending on how all of this goes I might or might not call the boys parents.

Good luck....and keep us posted....

 

[DawnCt1]

Originally posted by CheshireVal
I'm wondering about the fact that this boy was included in a family trip.... usually that's reserved for SERIOUS boyfriends and girlfriends in a longterm and committed relationship. (Or at least that's how it always has been with my friends and family!) I'm just wondering if maybe treating this relationship in a "not so adult" and serious manner might help.....

Wow, I missed the part that he was included on a family trip. Way too young to even consider that. I agree with the poster that the child came to her mom for help in extricating herself from this situation. Kids do want limits and boundaries and they want to know that parents will do whatever they have to to provide them. At such a young age, it is so much easier for a kid to say, "My parents won't let me"; no matter what it is.

 

[lapinluv]

I know I'm a relative newbie here, so I hope you don't mine me adding my $.02.

Please don't second guess anything you did. Please, that's only going to make the situation worse for everyone. Everything in the past is done and you can't change it. You can only change what she does in the future.

As others have suggested, figure out what exactly they did and why. Also, in addition to scare tactics (pregnancy, STD, etc), see how her self-image is. Even kids that seem really secure, aren't. And, this may be how it's manifesting.

Also, I agree with the poster that you should tell her EVERYTHING. Don't let her get in a situation where he has the upper hand because he "needs" it or will "die" without it or that doing it will "prove" her love. Cut through the BS and get right to the cold, hard facts about sex and sexual acts.

Lots of hugs and prayers going your way. You sound like an excellent Mom and I'm sure you'll all find your way though this crisis.

Good luck!

 

[swanmom]

Something that ChesireVal posted got me thinking...............she mentioned that including boyfriends on a family trip usually is reserved for 'serious and long-term' relationships. Could it be that including him in a major family event like this trip and making them 'as a couple' responsible for babysitting the younger ones gave your daughter a more adult connotation of this relationship than you meant to? Maybe finding herself with this 'adult' feeling and and in this adult situation while relying on 13 year old logic made her more likely to engage in what is normally an adult behavior? (Even the idea of alone in a hotel room may have been overly adult and therefore stimulating.) Maybe exploring this with her could help her recognize what factors contributed to her willingness to get involved in this way. Best of luck to you and your DD.