need help w/ a teenage problem

[CheshireVal]

Originally posted by swanmom
Something that ChesireVal posted got me thinking...............she mentioned that including boyfriends on a family trip usually is reserved for 'serious and long-term' relationships. Could it be that including him in a major family event like this trip and making them 'as a couple' responsible for babysitting the younger ones gave your daughter a more adult connotation of this relationship than you meant to? Maybe finding herself with this 'adult' feeling and and in this adult situation while relying on 13 year old logic made her more likely to engage in what is normally an adult behavior? (Even the idea of alone in a hotel room may have been overly adult and therfore stimulating.) Maybe exploring this with her could help her recognize what factors contributed to her willingness to get involved in this way. Best of luck to you and your DD.

That's exactly the point I was trying to make, only you said it better!

 

[Royalbear]

First of all, hugs!!! I am a women's health nurse practitioner and I have seen many teens in your daughter's position. Kudos to you that she wanted to tell you. Many of the girls I see vow me to secrecy (by state law, I cannot divulge the visit or any parts of it to her parents). I agree with other posters that your daughter fessing up to you shows that 1) she wants you to help her get away from this situation 2) she wants you to help her get this right (protect her from pregnancy, STD, emotional hurt) 3) she feels she is in over her head.

As a mother of a 12 year old boy, please, please, please tell his parents. I try to instill in my son the need to respect women and the consequences of actions, but I also know the hormone drive is terribly strong. If my son had "did it" (and any definition of "did it" will suffice here) I would want to know, so that I could further educate him and supervise him closer. No need to have a confrontational meeting, just a plain here are the facts, thought you should know, kind of meeting,

You are an incredible woman for handling this as well as you are. Use a health care provider to help with the education about the medical consequences of sex at an early age. I think it would be wise to absolutely limit the alone time these two have together. Actually, I wouldn't limit it, I would eliminate it. If you do this in a loving but firm way, (ie, you can have him over for a visit, but I will be in the next room with the door open, or you can't go to the party with him, but how about we go to the movies--I'll sit a few rows back). She may rebel some, but she is only 13 and she is way too young to be doing such adult things. In the end, she will thank you for saving her from herself.

Best of luck to you.

 

[cruisnfamily]

Royal bear: Very well said! All of it!

 

[lapinluv]

I second that.

 

[missyc]

Originally posted by MosMom
If she is determined to keep having sex, I would then explain EVERYTHING. I would explain different acts and how they work. What she can do to him, what he can do to her. If she made that choice, I would want her to know it ALL so the little snot couldn't talk her into anything. Knowledge is power and I would want her to have an incredible amount of power in any sexual relationship.

Ok, PLEASE help explaine this way of thinking 'cause I just don't get it.

 

[kasar]

I don't want to speak for MosMom but I think she was trying to say that the OP's daughter, if she's going to be sexually active, needs to know that she's not just playing house. She needs to be aware of what's happening with both of their bodies, what the ramifications may be, what to expect, etc. She doesn't want the boy to have an upper hand and have the girl go along with whatever he says - this happens so often! This may be a bit graphic, but she needs to make sure everything they do is for the mutual benefit of them both - not one sided if you get my drift.

She's saying that this young girl needs to be in control of her own body and her own emotions. Not at the mercy of a boy who could use her, leaving her with a reputation or worse. MosMom is right, knowledge is power. Boys may have the wrong information most of the time, but at least they have something. Girls are still taught to be "good" girls and they don't get told what they need to know which leaves them vulnerable to being used.

 

[MosMom]

kasar,

The only time I mind people speaking for me is when they don't do a good job of it. You did a better job than I did.

 

[mamajoan]

A big round of applause for RoyalBears response....

A big hug for you hmwnk! You are dealing with every mom's nightmare... I commend you on DEALING WITH IT!

She can't undo what she did... but she does not have to continue.. and I think she wants to back off from this young man.
Be glad she talks to you.. keep those lines of communication open.

my dd came to me during summer school to tell me a 13y/o classmate was going to the freeclinic that day to have a pregnancy test done.... the BOY's mother was taking her. The girl ended up not pregnant.. but nothing was done to help her change .. she continues to have sex with numerous partners....
Her mother is aware of the situation. Scary... very scary.

This situation has given my dd and I many opportunities to discuss sex.. including oral sex.
It amazes me how teenagers speak of sex with no responsibilty attached... pure recreation. I have told my teens... basketball and volleyball are recreation... sex is about committment well at least in our home that is.........

 

[hmwnick]

First of all, I'd like to thank all of you for your suggestions and words of wisdom. You'll never know how much you helped me get through a very rough day! From the long discussions I have had I now know this was unplanned & not something my dd wants to happen again. Someone posted about the "Florence Nightingale" thing & I had not thought of that. I have placed strict limits on her regarding him. She is allowed to talk briefly 10-15 mins. to him on the phone. No coming over to our house. She has never been allowed to go to his house due to lack of supervision there. Thankfully, she is not argueing about the restrictions.

I'd like to try to give some background on the boyfriend & I'm NOT making excusses for what they did. It WAS wrong.

He is a very "at risk" boy. I have suggested counseling many times to him as well as his mother. I have called the school counselor & asked her to talk to him. We live in a small town & after talking to many that have known his family I know that he has not felt loved in a long time. He feels to blame for many of the problems in his family. He is attracted to my dd & our family for a sense of belonging and value. Over the past year & 1/2 our community has lost 3 young people to suicide & I fear for him. He told his mom last night & has said he wants to be the one to tell my DH or at least be there.

I continue to pray for guidance. Again, thanks!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow.... I see LOTS of red flags here!

First of all, at the age of 13, I agree with many of the posters who say this is just way to young for real girlfriends/boyfriends. To me, it is just that simple.

Second, whether this boy as 'at risk' has absolutely NOTHING to do with any of it. It is NOT your responsibility to sacrifice your daughter and her youthful innocence to 'save' this boy. In fact, this would make it all more important to me to see that I protected my daughter from this situation. There is a huge Florence Nightingale thing going on here. I see that you have the best of intentions.. But encouraging or even allowing your 13 year old daughter to be girl-friend with this guy, and including him in your family... Not a good idea.

Third, these two children have broken every single rule! At their age, I would not hesitate to do everything possible to remove my daughter from this relationship. Some of the other posts here just amaze and confuse me. I think it is just absurd to say, Hey, you can still be his girlfriend, but I will be following you around like some kind of PI every single moment.... What type of wierd situation is that setting up!!! Heck, that is just an exact continuation of the current set-up that created this whole situation!

Remember, you are not your childs best friend. Your are not this boys savior... Your DD at only 13 does not need to be burdened with these very adult issues. You should be the parent and the adult and take very strong, but loving, action.

The bottom line is, THIS is what your daughter is asking, or even begging, from you with this whole thing. Don't let her down.

Of course, this is my opinion. Others may not a agree. I have my super-heavy-duty flame suit on.

 

[QueenTrident]

Originally posted by Wishing on a star
There is a huge Florence Nightingale thing going on here. I see that you have the best of intentions.. But encouraging or even allowing your 13 year old daughter to be girl-friend with this guy, and including him in your family... Not a good idea.

Remember, you are NOT your childs best friend. Your are not this boys savior... Your DD at only 13 does not need to be burdened with these very adult issues. You should be the parent and the adult and take very strong, but loving, action.

The bottom line is, THIS is what your daughter is asking, or even begging, from you with this whole thing. Don't let her down.

I'd have to agree with this all. Your DD is only 13, but if she's dealing with these issues, no wonder she feels she's ready for sex. Remove her from this situation and guide her to be a child again.

It also sounds like (reading between the lines), he may have manipulated her or played on her sympathies (no one loves me, my parents hate me, only you love me). You have to get it through to her that love does not equal sex. She can love someone (though I don't know how that happens at 13), but that does not mean she has to have sex with him. It's a tough lesson and your DD sounds like a caring person, but she has to set and enforce boundaries for herself. If she can't do that now, you need to do it for her.

 

[grinningghost]

I can really only offer a hug. I have a 15 year old DD who has a 17 year old BF. She knows my views on teen sex and I can only pray that I've done my best with her. I think I have, but as you have learned, things can happen despite our best efforts.

I think you can be very proud of yourself just knowing she felt safe enough to come to you and tell you. It's now up to you to make sure her trust isn't broken. It was a cry for your help.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I have to agree that I personally would not be allowing even phone conversations at this point. I think that it would be prudent to help your daughter completely break whatever emotional connection she has formed with this boy. You of course cannot control her 100%, but you can send a very clear signal that you want it to stop and stop completely.

I understand that you are kind of off balance right now. But I think that you do need to remember that however bad you think the other parenting situation might be --- this happened on your watch. You and your husband are the ones who left these two in the other hotel room. I know I sound harsh, but I do think that everybody involved here needs to remember "those in glass houses....."

In any regards, I'm getting a definate feeling from you that in man ways you are starting to view this boy as another child in your family. He isn't. At this point I think it would be best to concentrate on what is going wrong with your own child.

 

[DawnCt1]

Originally posted by Toby'sFriend
I have to agree that I personally would not be allowing even phone conversations at this point. I think that it would be prudent to help your daughter completely break whatever emotional connection she has formed with this boy. You of course cannot control her 100%, but you can send a very clear signal that you want it to stop and stop completely.

I understand that you are kind of off balance right now. But I think that you do need to remember that however bad you think the other parenting situation might be --- this happened on your watch. You and your husband are the ones who left these two in the other hotel room. I know I sound harsh, but I do think that everybody involved here needs to remember "those in glass houses....."

In any regards, I'm getting a definate feeling from you that in man ways you are starting to view this boy as another child in your family. He isn't. At this point I think it would be best to concentrate on what is going wrong with your own child.

Absolutely!

 

[DawnCt1]

Originally posted by hmwnick
He told his mom last night & has said he wants to be the one to tell my DH or at least be there.

!

I don't think he needs to be the one to tell your DH, nor should he be "there". It would be in effect recognizing them as a "couple". He shouldn't be anywhere near your house and you need to cut the phone calls, etc.

 

[Jillpie]

Does anyone think this thread is going in a very strange direction? The OP states the boy "wants to tell my DH or at least be there"...um, hello? I just recall a very similar thread a while back where the OP is trying to rescue somebody in trouble. I just don't know...its just making me wonder.

 

[poohandwendy]

Yeah, the more I am reading the more I think you, the OP, need to cut the ties with this boy also. There is an inappropriate level of responsibility to him going on here. You are not his mother, confidant, keeper, etc. He is the responsibility of HIS parents. Period.

The fact that you think he needs to be involved in a family discussion about this incident means that you see him as a potential addition to the family (like a future son-in-law).

Given the circumstances (his being far too cozy in your family), I think it is time to cut the ties completely.

You also need to seriously talk to your DD (and perhaps remind yourself also) about making decisions based on an inappropriate sense of responsibility. It is really, really bad for girls to have sex because they feel an obligation of any kind. Especially an obligation to make up for a lack of love a person is feeling.

 

[Jillpie]

No, what I was wondering is...if this is really happening at all. Its just getting too weird.

 

[poohandwendy]

I just recall a very similar thread a while back where the OP is trying to rescue somebody in trouble. I just don't know...its just making me wonder.

Many people get a sense of gratification by being a 'rescuer', unfortunately the DD in this case may be following the example in a very destructive way.

 

[poohandwendy]

Originally posted by Jillpie
No, what I was wondering is...if this is really happening at all. Its just getting too weird.

I have no idea, I am just responding to the posts at face value....

Edited to add...my other post "Yeah, the more I am reading..."was not a response to yours (I didn't see it), it was responding to the one before yours...sorry about the confusion..LOL