Mildly irked (a bit of a vent)--Update pg 3, #36

[minkydog]

Ok, I know this is small potatoes in the long run and I just need to put on my big girl panties, but I just need to blow this off before I say something I don't mean.

DS23 came by today to visit, eat and take a shower. He lives with friends and comes over here maybe twice a week, which I don't mind at all. Today we were talking about some friends he recently reaquainted with and he made the comment "It's nice to see them coming out from under the rock finally", alluding to the fact that they come from a very fundamental Christian family. So I said I thought that it was pretty normal for young adults to question what they believe and to start exploring other paths to spirituality at this age. To which he replied "better than cramming it down their throat." Then he rolled his eyes at me. All righty then. I told him I didn't think we did thatand that it's a parent's responsibility to expose their children to spiritual beliefs that are important to them. Then he really started rolling his eyes and making fun. "Mom! You totally crammed it down my throat. You did it all the time." So I said to him, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I didn't mean for it to be like that."

I am unabashedly a Christian. I did my best to raise my kids with Christian values: peace, generosity, compassion, and love for others. I homeschooled my kids for 12 years because I believe that I was commanded to do so by God. And we were very successful with it, too. Part of my homeschool was daily devotions to kick off the school day and the use of some Christian textbooks. We also used secular materials, so it wasn't completely one-sided. I required my kids to go to church with us on Sundays until they were 15, at which time we felt that they could decide for themselves where they wanted to go. DS quit church at 15. DD16 still goes, but has decided to go to a friend's church. That's fine with me.

DS walked away from the conversation for a moment and the subject changed. DD16 pipes up with "When are we going on Spring Break?" I told her we'd be gone from April 5 to April 11, monday through Sunday. We're going to Savannah for 4 days, then a college go-see for 2 days. This trip has been planned for months, BTW. Well, NOW DD is upset--"I won't even GET a spring break!" What?? Yes you will. "But I won't get to see my friends!"

By this time I'm feeling a little double teamed. I"m trying to take the high road with both of them. DS certainly has the right to believe what he wants and to remember his upbringing the way he wants. Sometimes parents recollections are very different from children's percieved experiences. DD certainly can be upset that she's not going to see her friends, even though we have been talking about this vacation for 2 months. At this point I'm ready to tell her Fine, just stay home with friends. We'll catch you on the flip flop. And by the way, College? it's up to you kid. You let me know when you can find time in your busy schedule to actually go visit a potential school, the one that will prepare you for your eventual Life As An Adult. And if that fits into MY busy schedule, its' all good.

I know my feelings are just hurt and I'm being sensitive. I didn't sleep well last night and had bad dreams(nightmares, really) of people hurting me over and over. I'm a little spent and I just don't feel like dealing with this kind of crap. So I'm upstairs in my room so I don't have to look at them or even hear them talking. I am so over it.

Anyway thanks for letting me spill my guts. I know that this too shall pass. I'm not going to hold a grudge. I just don't want to be around them right now. and I don't have to. I have my own car and my own room. And at least ONE child who loves me. Christian and MInky think I'm wonderful, at least.

 

[Louise-Montreal]

Sounds like you are a good mom and the kids are just being PITA today. I am sure tomorrow they will be back to being wonderful!

Mine are 20 and 24- been there and sending you lots of hugs

 

[Buckalew11]

Yes, minky, you're a good mom. I've read your posts here for yrs and you always amaze me!!

It is funny, the way kids remember things. My dd and I see things differently often also. Sometimes I wonder...were we together? in the same room? etc.

I'm homeschooling also (just for HS) because she asked to. It has gone great so far but it is a lot of togetherness. She went on Spring break with her friend and family and had a wonderful time. I do think she had a new appreciation of me when she came home though. My DD goes to church everytime the door is opened. Me? I laid out again today. She goes to church with her friend now also and loves it.

I always give DD days off when her friends are out of school that can be "free days". So, I would have scheduled our trip before or after the time those kids were out for Spring break so we would not be out of town for the whole break. It usually gives her over a week for a break but she gets no snow days and all those other days off so it evens out in the end.

I think your DS will probably come around someday and realize life was different than he is remembering now. At 23, he is still at that age of figuring it all out.

I have a nephew who never set foot in a church until last year and can't get enough at this point (18). He wishes he'd have been taken a kid because he doesn't know all the background and things that kids his age just *know*. He's like, "No, I do not know the story of Daniel." Sometimes when you grow up with it you just take it all for granted, I think. or, he may just not be interested in God. Time will tell. I will keep you in my prayers though. I know this is important to your heart. {{{hugs}}}

 

[Disney Doll]

The beauty of your own room and a car is that you don't have to look at or deal with the little parasites for a while when they tick you off.

FWIW, my DH has a sister who remembers a COMPLETELY different upbringing than him and his other 2 sisters remember(there were 4 kids all together). According to her, they were abused. According to the other 3, they got spanked once in a while, as was the norm for kids growing up in the 60's.

Ignore them...they'll be on to something else soon enough.

 

[merryweather20]

The beauty of your own room and a car is that you don't have to look at or deal with the little parasites for a while when they tick you off.

FWIW, my DH has a sister who remembers a COMPLETELY different upbringing than him and his other 2 sisters remember(there were 4 kids all together). According to her, they were abused. According to the other 3, they got spanked once in a while, as was the norm for kids growing up in the 60's.

Ignore them...they'll be on to something else soon enough.

Wow! to the bolded.

 

[Donnainnj]

I am bringing DD-17 to a few local schools over spring break and she asked if friends could come. Originally it included a road trip and a couple of days away but that school's tour was booked for the day we could go so we are staying local. The girls are still excited because they get to go together. If there is any chance you can bring a friend it will help. I doubt two of these girls will be interested in the schools we are going to (2nd and 6th in class of 401) but they may get a better idea of the school size and type of community (urban, suburban, rural) they are interested in.

On the religion thing, when we were little my brother and I apparently asked to go to Church. I don't remember doing it, but both my grandmother and dad mentioned it recently. For your son it is still in there, he will come back, these things tend to change when they have their own family.
Donna

 

[minniecarousel]

Yeah - on the religion thing, give your DS a few more years. My sons are in their late 20's (well, the one is 30 now) and I think they appreciate their early church-going years.

And your daughter is a teenager! egads! a girl at that....try not to let her bug you. (I really appreciate my DDIL's - because I didn't know them as teenagers. They're both lovely young women, but I have heard stories...)

Hang in there. It'll all be worth it in the long run.

 

[shelly3girls]

I am convinced that parents cannot do anything right according to their kids. Growing up my parents were thoughtful, generous and extremely dedicated parents. They spent all of their time supporting all of us kids in any activity we chose to do. I remember when my brother was in his early 20's and accused my parents of trying to buy his love. What? That was the craziest thing I ever heard but he honestly believed it. It took a couple of years but he eventually realized what an idiot he sounded like!

 

[minkydog]

I always give DD days off when her friends are out of school that can be "free days". So, I would have scheduled our trip before or after the time those kids were out for Spring break so we would not be out of town for the whole break. It usually gives her over a week for a break but she gets no snow days and all those other days off so it evens out in the end.

But here's the thing--she helped me plan this trip! so it's no surprise to her. She was on board with it until today. She spends a lot of time with friends. Pretty much every weekend. We usually don't go away for a whole week, but this year we didn't get any vacations due to the GA floods. then it was illness. We spent Thanksgiving and Christmas at home this year, so she has had a lot of breaks spent with friends. Plus, the 3-4 snow days that she was snowed in with her friends. And part of the trip is for her to check out this college! So I'm not getting why the rules have changed?

Ugh. Being a parent is not popular. Some days it's a royal pain in the butt.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

I'm a recent kid, and still a student (I'm 22) so I can understand where both of them are coming from.

For your DS23, I think kids remember different things, but parents also remember differently as well. I'm sure he doesn't dislike the "totally cramming it down [his] throat" but, at least in my schools, religion varied so much. There are the extremes, and everyone in between. You're right, kids do explore their beliefs often, perhaps that's what your DS has done. Maybe he's comparing his religious upbringing to his peers and he's noticing he's different. Not that it's a bad thing, but he might just be taking his difference out on you a little. Don't worry, you didn't do anything wrong.

For your DD16, I can definitely relate. I look forward to spring break a lot. A LOT. It's the only time I am able to just go to work and to hang out with my friends that I have kind of put aside while school is in. Although, for me personally, I'd welcome a vacation to anywhere, I can understand her lack of seeing her friends. A lot of the time, I was the only one in my group of friends going anywhere during spring break and I would come back to find out I missed out on a lot of fun stuff.

I'm not saying you're in the wrong on both things, I just think this might be what they're feeling. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's something completely different but maybe it's what is fueling their attitudes. No one is wrong, every one just has different goals and perspectives.

 

[kirstenb1]

Aaaggh!! Sounds like you got tag-teamed by your kids (without them even collaborating). We're trying to raise our children with a sound spiritual foundation. It's definitely a challenge. I currently bribe the kids with a trip to Subway after church. I tell them God rewards faithful servants, often in an immediate and tangible manner!!

DH doesn't attend church, so no sub for him!

On the trip to Savannah----4 days is a lot----could you shorten it by a day or 2? Maybe let dd have a little time with friends, yet still take a family trip?

 

[LuvOrlando]

Sounds to me like your DS has been having way too many philosophical conversations with his college friends and since he NEEDS a story about being badly treated for street cred this was what he came up with. He found himself home and decided to show you how enlightened he is now. Good grief.

What your DS did right there was a sucker punch, no doubt about it. Your DD saw he was getting away with being disrespectful, probably because it knocked the wind out of you, and jumped in with her own childish blow because she's 16 and that's what they do.

Personally I would call them both out on it and point out all the other stuff parents have to deal with and teach our kids, its a big job and morality is a pretty slippery slope so we do the best we can. Obviously, you didn't jam your beliefs all that hard since he obviously feels free enough to speak against it. Let him come up with an answer for that little reality check. I tell my kids all the time that IMO they are not mine, they belong to God and He just gave them to me to raise because He couldn't do it Himself. Because of this I feel I will one day have to answer for the job I have done, good or bad, so whatever I do it's with them in mind. If they don't like it then they can do whatever they want when they grow up but until my obligation is done they are stuck, plain & simple.

Sorry that happened to yiou, it must hurt. It would hurt me too, very deeply and I would 100% let my kids know it.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I am unabashedly a Christian. I did my best to raise my kids with Christian values: peace, generosity, compassion, and love for others. I homeschooled my kids for 12 years because I believe that I was commanded to do so by God. And we were very successful with it, too. Part of my homeschool was daily devotions to kick off the school day and the use of some Christian textbooks. We also used secular materials, so it wasn't completely one-sided. I required my kids to go to church with us on Sundays until they were 15, at which time we felt that they could decide for themselves where they wanted to go.

Respectfully, to me, as a not particularly religious adult - with siblings who were all raised exactly the same way and who all still practice the same religion but to greatly varying degrees - I can absolutely see why he feels, even temporarily, that religion was crammed down his throat.

Yes, we had religious training, and yes we practiced our religion, yes, we attended weekly services and observed holidays - but ENTIRELY separate from our day to day schooling. That was, granted, public schooling; the closest it ever got to religion was having us recite The Pledge of Allegiance, and you all know that stopped at some point

 

[laurafergie]

I have a DS23 too as well as teen DDs - I can totally relate to the "it's all about me, what I want" (DDs) and the "you made my life so hard and worse than everyone else's". (DS)

This past Thanksgiving we took everyone to Washington DC, got a condo, got tickets for attractions - the older ones were more concerned about going to a party at night and sleeping in, even though EVERYONE IN ADVANCE had talked about it being a family vacation. Without going into the boring details of what went on - I swear, I was about in tears a few times. I had worked hard, and save hard to make that vacation happen....sigh. Never again.

There is nothing more self absorbed - to their own family - than a young adult. I clarify that, because they are wonderful people out in the real world. They just save it for us I guess.

 

[iwrbnd]

The beauty of your own room and a car is that you don't have to look at or deal with the little parasites for a while when they tick you off.

I have so been there! Glad I'm not alone in this thinking! When my DS is seeing the world in a crazy warped way my DH and I joke about his frontal lobe not being fully developed!

 

[Disney Doll]

Wow! to the bolded.

I say it "tongue in cheek" but if you look up the definition of the word parasite and think of children, it does fit.

 

[merryweather20]

Sounds to me like your DS has been having way too many philosophical conversations with his college friends and since he NEEDS a story about being badly treated for street cred this was what he came up with. He found himself home and decided to show you how enlightened he is now. Good grief.

What your DS did right there was a sucker punch, no doubt about it. Your DD saw he was getting away with being disrespectful, probably because it knocked the wind out of you, and jumped in with her own childish blow because she's 16 and that's what they do.

Personally I would call them both out on it and point out all the other stuff parents have to deal with and teach our kids, its a big job and morality is a pretty slippery slope so we do the best we can. Obviously, you didn't jam your beliefs all that hard since he obviously feels free enough to speak against it. Let him come up with an answer for that little reality check. I tell my kids all the time that IMO they are not mine, they belong to God and He just gave them to me to raise because He couldn't do it Himself. Because of this I feel I will one day have to answer for the job I have done, good or bad, so whatever I do it's with them in mind. If they don't like it then they can do whatever they want when they grow up but until my obligation is done they are stuck, plain & simple.

Sorry that happened to yiou, it must hurt. It would hurt me too, very deeply and I would 100% let my kids know it.

You and the OP knew parenting was alot of work when you signed up for it. It isn't an obligation, its a choice you made. Though your choice of words was significantly better, than the use of parasite, by a previous poster. Not only is it hard work, sometimes the best of intentions just don't cut it. Homeschooling is a big choice, and its not going to work out for every kid. Heck I wouldn't be surprised in the least, if both the OP's kids look back in 20 years and one thinks home schooling was the best thing ever and one regrets that they weren't able to go to public school.

The daily scripture + religious lesson plans + weekly church, that adds up to a fair bit, especially if he's not getting out and spending every-day with 45-60 of his peers and however any teachers. I think the fact that this is coming in a shouting match and not a quiet rational discussion is telling. So mentioning that won't be a "reality check" like LuvOrlando said.

 

[merryweather20]

I say it "tongue in cheek" but if you look up the definition of the word parasite and think of children, it does fit.

I'm familiar with the meaning, it was pretty painful to see you reference it with children. Even in jest.

 

[Buckalew11]

You and the OP knew parenting was alot of work when you signed up for it. It isn't an obligation, its a choice you made. Though your choice of words was significantly better, than the use of parasite, by a previous poster. Not only is it hard work, sometimes the best of intentions just don't cut it. Homeschooling is a big choice, and its not going to work out for every kid. Heck I wouldn't be surprised in the least, if both the OP's kids look back in 20 years and one thinks home schooling was the best thing ever and one regrets that they weren't able to go to public school.

The daily scripture + religious lesson plans + weekly church, that adds up to a fair bit, especially if he's not getting out and spending every-day with 45-60 of his peers and however any teachers. I think the fact that this is coming in a shouting match and not a quiet rational discussion is telling. So mentioning that won't be a "reality check" like LuvOrlando said.

You can rest easy, I'm here to tell you that a devotion with God everyday isn't a harmful thing and is quite common for most Christians. School work that jives with biblical beliefs isn't what you must think it is and weekly church hardly makes it a "fair bit".

At 23, her son IS out and about among peers. He isn't homeschooled now.

The OP didn't say what her DD's socialization is through the week--however, we know she goes out with friends on the weekends. Some homeschoolers do co-ops and see other students and teachers. Some don't. Some do dual credit at colleges.

Was it a shouting match? I didn't catch that part. So what is this telling you?

 

[Wishing on a star]

I can very very clearly see both sides of this....

Minkydog, I am a strong Christian, and I also homeschool.

But, there are clearly deeper issues here.
I am not super 'religious'....
I do not homeschool because 'God called me to do this'.
IMHO, if I homeschooled because 'GOD' wanted me to do this for 'religious' reasons, and I also mandated that my children attend church...
Well, that doesn't leave very many moments during the week/year/childhood where my child would not be being under the very direct influence of my personal spiritual/religious beliefs....

NO OFFENSE!!! I know you are a wonderful parent, and a wonderful person!!!!!!! But, given the information that you have described here, one could almost bet their last dollar that the child in their 20's might feel that this was kind of being 'crammed down their throat', and that coming out from under that constant influence might feel like 'crawling out from under a rock'.

And, about this trip over Spring Break...
You say that your daughter helped plan this trip, but I am not quite so sure that she fully realized what was really coming down, with her being gone the exact entire time that everyone else is off for Spring Break.

I know as a homeschooling mother, that I just NEVER, NEVER, plan trips over these time periods. No reason to force these things into such time-frames, when destinations are often very crowded with all of the families of public school children who really do not have much other choice except for to travel during this time-frame.

Are there reasons that this week was the only, or best, week to plan for this trip? Did you actually discuss the Spring Break dates with your daughter? Would it have been possible to plan for either the vacation or college portion of your trip outside of that Spring Break week.

I feel for you!!!
I agree with how you are feeling!!!!
I know that you are a wonderful parent!!!

But, I am just playing devil's advocate here, and saying that I am not so sure that you realize just how strongly your kids may be feeling about things like this.