Mildly irked (a bit of a vent)--Update pg 3, #36

[aprilgail2]

I am unabashedly a Christian. I did my best to raise my kids with Christian values: peace, generosity, compassion, and love for others. I homeschooled my kids for 12 years because I believe that I was commanded to do so by God. And we were very successful with it, too. Part of my homeschool was daily devotions to kick off the school day and the use of some Christian textbooks. We also used secular materials, so it wasn't completely one-sided. I required my kids to go to church with us on Sundays until they were 15, at which time we felt that they could decide for themselves where they wanted to go. DS quit church at 15..

Wow- I tell my mom all the time that she shoved her religion down my throat when I was a kid and all she did was make me go to church with them until I was in 6th grade! I think you really went extreme with it all but since thats in the past not much you can do about it now and he will just have to suck it up like I do and deal with it. I raise my daughter to be generous and compassionate and just to be a good person -which really has nothing to do with religion and it must be working because on every report card her teachers write about what a generous caring child she is and that she has a natural empathy. We are Atheist.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Me again...

After having written my above post, I failed to mention that I pick up on one of the biggest things that might be bothering/upseting you.

When your son made that 'Crawling out from under the rock' comment... That was a very, very, disrespectful and even adversarial statement that he made to you. And, really, that isn't right of him to do that...

In effect, he said that he feels like you are wrong and that you are 'living under a rock'.

I am sure that this cut you pretty deeply.

Of course, you are upset, and you weren't able to come up with the perfect reaction... but, I would have let him know that, no matter what his personal beliefs and feelings, that this kind of a comment is both very disrespectful and uncalled for.

 

[Buckalew11]

I can very very clearly see both sides of this....

Minkydog, I am a strong Christian, and I also homeschool.

But, there are clearly deeper issues here.
I am not super 'religious'....
I do not homeschool because 'God called me to do this'.
IMHO, if I homeschooled because 'GOD' wanted me to do this for 'religious' reasons, and I also mandated that my children attend church...
Well, that doesn't leave very many moments during the week/year/childhood where my child would not be being under the very direct influence of my personal spiritual/religious beliefs....

NO OFFENSE!!! I know you are a wonderful parent, and a wonderful person!!!!!!! But, given the information that you have described here, one could almost bet their last dollar that the child in their 20's might feel that this was kind of being 'crammed down their throat', and that coming out from under that constant influence might feel like 'crawling out from under a rock'.

And, about this trip over Spring Break...
You say that your daughter helped plan this trip, but I am not quite so sure that she fully realized what was really coming down, with her being gone the exact entire time that everyone else is off for Spring Break.

I know as a homeschooling mother, that I just NEVER, NEVER, plan trips over these time periods. No reason to force these things into such time-frames, when destinations are often very crowded with all of the families of public school children who really do not have much other choice except for to travel during this time-frame.

Are there reasons that this week was the only, or best, week to plan for this trip? Did you actually discuss the Spring Break dates with your daughter? Would it have been possible to plan for either the vacation or college portion of your trip outside of that Spring Break week.

I feel for you!!!
I agree with how you are feeling!!!!
I know that you are a wonderful parent!!!

But, I am just playing devil's advocate here, and saying that I am not so sure that you realize just how strongly your kids may be feeling about things like this.

I know you are nice and being nice in your post but I think we all chose how and where to school our children for many different reasons. I didn't feel called by God to homeschool either but minkydog might have been. We are all convicted of different things and at different times even. It is clearly evident to me that minky feels that she is following God's will. That type of thing takes a lot of commitment, I'm sure we agree on that!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Of course!!!!
Many fellow homeschoolers in our local homeschool circles also choose to do this because they feel 'called'.

I am only saying that, when this is the primary reason, and when the child may not feel that they have been given any other options, etc... it is clearly understandable, and even to be expected, that the child may feel at some point that this is being 'crammed down their throat'.

I have only mentioned this topic as to how it may affect and/or explain the child's personal feelings.

(NO questioning or judgement of homeschooling or the motivations, at all ! )

 

[EllaM]

Sometimes I wouldn't mind in the least if we raised the voting limit to 25. Or at least 22. You know when kids get out of school and start actually earning a living in the adult world instead of becoming easily-swayed pop culture zombies.

When I was a teenager and young adult I was absolutely certain I was way smarter than my mom. I told her so almost every day. Lord was I an idiot then. A cocky arrogant fool.

But life has a way of teaching you lessons even when you don't intend it. For me it was when my mom ended her life by battling cancer. I was reaching my 30's then so had gotten beyond my foolish young adult years. Then I had an opportunity to revisit all that old crap and talk to my mom. Not as mother/child but as two women from different generations. Yeah she could have done some things better but then so could have I. And truth is, we wouldn't have been the people we became if we hadn't done exactly what we did, warts and all.

Sadly I lost my mom to the cancer some 6 years ago. There isn't a day I don't wish she was still around so I could ask her advice. She was so much smarter than I ever gave her credit for. So much better in many ways than me. I did get to tell her that before she died. Our relationship was complete. I just wish I could go back in time and give my teenage self a swift kick in the rear for wasting so much time being a jerk.

I wouldn't sweat the little snits. As my mother always said when we were being hurtful idiots, "Wait till [they] have kids." Life will teach them the error of their ways. Then you'll be a grandma rolling your eyes and laughing to yourself while thinking "I told you so".

 

[Buckalew11]

Of course!!!!
Many fellow homeschoolers in our local homeschool circles also choose to do this because they feel 'called'.

I am only saying that, when this is the primary reason, and when the child may not feel that they have been given any other options, etc... it is clearly understandable, and even to be expected, that the child may feel at some point that this is being 'crammed down their throat'.

I have only mentioned this topic as to how it may affect and/or explain the child's personal feelings.

(NO questioning or judgement of homeschooling or the motivations, at all ! )

Gotcha!

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

I'm familiar with the meaning, it was pretty painful to see you reference it with children. Even in jest.

Oh jeez, lighten up.

By definition, a child can be looked at as a parasite. Being a parasite isn't always a negative thing i.e., you are a parasite of the planet, as am I, as is everyone.

 

[allison443]

OP as far as your daughter getting mad about the trip~my dd has a spring break coming up next week, and now is when all the kids are making their plans for the things they want to do together over the break. So it's possible your dd's friends were talking about doing things, going places together, etc. and it's just hitting her that she is going to miss out on a lot of things. At that age no one likes to be left out of the group and feel like they're missing out on things, kwim?

I wouldn't change the trip-college visits are important, and she did agree to it.

 

[iwrbnd]

Oh jeez, lighten up.

By definition, a child can be looked at as a parasite. Being a parasite isn't always a negative thing i.e., you are a parasite of the planet, as am I, as is everyone.

I agree! I thought it was funny! But, then I always joke in times of stress. It's how I cope! Laughing is more fun than crying!

 

[Disney Doll]

Oh jeez, lighten up.

By definition, a child can be looked at as a parasite. Being a parasite isn't always a negative thing i.e., you are a parasite of the planet, as am I, as is everyone.

I jokingly referred to my nieces and nephews as such during their teen years...called them Big P, Middle P and Little P and they called me Auntie P.

So far, they are wonderful adults and contributing members of society, so I am quite sure that moist folks "get" the "jesting" tone.

I have saved up money for their therapy though, just in case.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey Disney Doll,

I am not judging your comment.
I really am not....
I am a very 'expressive' person, and I often use strong words that may hit others the wrong way.
I totally understand!!!

However,
You do not have children, right...
I think that can make a slight difference.
I am a parent who would never, never, ever, begin to use that word.
Even in jest, or being overly 'expressive'.
My son is the blessing of my life!
No matter how needy he may be.....

So, just FYI, you may want to remember to refrain from using that expression in public/mixed company!!!

 

[bookgirl]

While your son may or may not have a point. He may have truely felt religion was forced on him. I'd let that one alone.

Your daughter however is taking advantage of a situation and being whiney and a bit manipulative.

Honestly I would leave her home, with a trusted friend while you enjoyed 4 days of vacation, and then tell her that she'll have to arrange the next college visits at a time conveinent for you.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

Hey Disney Doll,

I am not judging your comment.
I really am not....
I am a very 'expressive' person, and I often use strong words that may hit others the wrong way.
I totally understand!!!

However,
You do not have children, right...
I think that can make a slight difference.
I am a parent who would never, never, ever, begin to use that word.
Even in jest, or being overly 'expressive'.
My son is the blessing of my life!
No matter how needy he may be.....

So, just FYI, you may want to remember to refrain from using that expression in public/mixed company!!!

Again, I say...

Oh jeez, lighten up.

By definition, a child can be looked at as a parasite. Being a parasite isn't always a negative thing i.e., you are a parasite of the planet, as am I, as is everyone.

 

[kellyg403]

I can totally relate to your post Minky! Sometimes I just wonder if I only *thought* I was doing the right things as a parent!

My dd, 17, is spending spring break with her grandparents...after months of planning a trip to see her sister and nephew with me and her brothers. It changed last week. Not because she didn't want to go but because all her friends had plans so she wouldn't have anything to do for the first 4 days until we left. So now, grandparents will drive her to where we are, and she will come home with us. Definitely not what i was planning and looking forward to. All I can say is I hope that I was not that wishy washy and I am pretty sure I wasn't!

The religion thing? Well, I just think eventually he will see things differently. Right now he probably is spreading his wings in this area, and until he realizes its not about religion but faith he might see things this way. My oldest ds went through a time in his late teens where he went to different churches with different friends and always had something to say.

Kelly

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ummm, LaCross Lady...
Do I remember posting anything directed towards you????

Anyhow, Ummmmm, Whatever...

Let it go people...

 

[minkydog]

I appreciate everyone's feedback. I'm not going to address the religion thing with DS23 or anyone else. He has the right to feel the way he wants to, just like I have the right to believe what I want to. If he feels that we were too "religious" on him, well, then that's how he feels. No point in rehashing history. It's not going to change. And really it doesn't matter. We will still believe that Jesus Christ is our lord and savior and DS can believe(or not believe) in whoever he likes. He's an adult and adults get to choose. It does not affect teh quality of our relationship. However, the fact that he brought it up to bait me, in my own house, well, that was hurtful. And he meant it that way. DS is a very confrontational & oppositional person, part of why he no longer lives with us. I simply do not want to argue every day and he thrives on it(not unlike a lot of other young adult and college age persons.)

I talked with DD16 after school today--we went over to a little diner and got a snack(food smooths over the rough places, haha.) I was very calm, just as I was last night.*there was no raising of voices, no altercation, btw. I simply went to my room to cool down.* I told her that I was really surprised at how she reacted to the spring break plans and I had thought she was all onboard, since SHE was the one who chose the destination in the first place. She apologized and said she really does want to go, but could we wait and go on Tuesday. I told her that we really can't do that. It will take a day to get down there and it doesn't make sense for us to only spend a day/day & half down there. We need to have at least one day to just hang out. I offered to take a friend(again) and she said maybe that would be okay. I told her what there is to do in the area. But I also gave her an alternative--we could just not go to Savannah, but just go up to the lake and stay in the camper. Her face kinda fell at that."But we always go to the lake, mom!" Okay, where else would YOU like to go..."Savannah". haha. My eyes are ready to roll out of my head. So she's going to ask DFriend to go and they can both go see the college, too. I told her to tell them to bring a bike so they'll have some transportation (we're staying in our camper at a nice state park).

So it looks like a crisis was averted. We don't go away at every school break,but after this winter we really NEED to get away at Spring Break. We haven't been ANYWHERE since September, so she has had a LOT of time with her friends(*Thanksgiving, Christmas, MLK Weekend, Presidents Weekend.) Because I'm going to be laid up almost the whole summer, we have to get our travels and vacations in between now and June5. Not much time. I'm just glad that she took the time to think things through and I'm really glad that I took the time to let the situation simmer a little. I try not to engage my kids in debates or force anything down their throat. But I do expect that if they want to change the plans that they come up with an alternative solution. I will not be in charge of finding a place for htem to be and DD16 wasn't inclined to do that. But she's onboard now, especially after we talked about what there is to do in Savannah, where we could eat, and going to the ocean. Plus bringing the friend. So I think it's all good.

 

[iwrbnd]

You sound like a wonderful and fair mom to me!

 

[kirstenb1]

I'm glad everything worked out. You're obviously very devout, and I have huge respect for your ability to be openminded/ tolerant (neither is the exact word I want, but I hope you understand my intent) of your son's beliefs.