Is it ok for spouse to go to lunch with co-worker of opposite sex?(Inspired by RIDISN

[ronandannette]

To each their own, I think its odd to feel you have to agree to safeguard your marriage against infidelity. To me that is saying that you know you would cheat if the opportunity presents itself so lets not let that opportunity arise.

Whatever. I don't need you to understand it or agree.

 

[aprilgail]

My husband and I do not do things one on one with the opposite sex. The only exception is that we are OK with it if it's work related. Examples: On campus study session in the library or lunch with co-worker at a dining location on the company premises. We still keep theses interactions in the public sphere. I think a lot of people felt themselves incapable of cheating until they did it. It's a choice we've made to safeguard our marriage.

Sounds like paranoia and a weak marriage if you need those kids of "safeguards" to keep you both from cheating.

 

[wilkeliza]

Maybe lay off attacking PP's marriage guys. They already said it is for religious reasons and while their marriage could be the strongest on any on this board they also have a belief that limiting alone time with the opposite sex is important. The beautiful part of the Dis is we are all different. While I may not agree with it (and personally find it arbitrary) PP is allowed to have their opinion on the matter with out being personally attacked for it.

 

[Hikergirl]

Maybe lay off attacking PP's marriage guys. They already said it is for religious reasons and while their marriage could be the strongest on any on this board they also have a belief that limiting alone time with the opposite sex is important. The beautiful part of the Dis is we are all different. While I may not agree with it (and personally find it arbitrary) PP is allowed to have their opinion on the matter with out being personally attacked for it.

Not attacking, sharing an opinion. If the pp doesn't want opinions that differ from hers then she is free not to post such personal things on a public message board.

 

[wilkeliza]

Not attacking, sharing an opinion. If the pp doesn't want opinions that differ from hers then she is free not to post such personal things on a public message board.

You didn't do it but it has lead to another person saying it is a weak marriage. You can disagree with out saying the marriage had a lack of trust or strength.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

Doesn't bother me. My fiance's best friends are both women (and are standing up with him at our wedding) and one of my best friends is male so meals with the opposite sex happen all the time. I choose to go into my marriage trusting my partner and see no reason to restrict his friendships. Besides if just having a meal with the opposite sex leads to him cheating on me it wouldn't be a relationship I would want to keep.

 

[bdcp]

DH works with a friend of mine and they have on occasion gone to lunch together. I trust both of them because she's a good friend and I know where she stands on her marriage and mine, plus DH is very careful about situations. But, I get the pp's point. I know a lot of people who would never go to lunch (or dinner or drinks) with anyone of the opposite sex and it has nothing to do with having a weak marriage. Quite the contrary, it has everything to do with honoring and respecting their partner. Anyone who thinks that anyone can't cheat is delusional, but you also have to know where the line is. DH would never go out regularly with any woman. The occasions he goes out with our mutual friend is very occasionally and it's a quick trip to grab lunch and return to work.

Regardless of what some think, anyone can fall. DH would never go out on a regular basis with any other woman and it's not because I wouldn't like it. It's because it would be dishonoring me and our relationship. Very simple and the couples I know that feel that way have all been married for a long time. Commitment and convenant do not make a weak marriage. It shows respect for the relationship.

BTW, happily married for 36 years so I've seen a lot.

 

[ronandannette]

Not attacking, sharing an opinion. If the pp doesn't want opinions that differ from hers then she is free not to post such personal things on a public message board.

I've got no problem at all with your opinion - but I don't feel like I need to argue my position in a way that makes it make sense to you. (Although @bdcp did a pretty nice job in the post just above this one!!)

You didn't do it but it has lead to another person saying it is a weak marriage. You can disagree with out saying the marriage had a lack of trust or strength.

I'm not the PP you were referring to (the one in aprilgail's quote), but I'm not offended by anything anybody says, nor am I trying to offend anybody. Sometimes it seems like people need validation for their own thoughts and actions, and take anybody saying something different as a direct "challenge". It's all good. Thanks for the back-up though.

 

[Skippy918]

This is hyperbole, right? I mean, you'd really end your marriage the day your husband did something you don't like? Or are control issues just such a hot button that it's a zero-tolerance thing?


We do all kinds of things to safeguard ours. I couldn't care less what other people do or what boundaries they set - whatever is comfortable and productive in their relationships is fine by me. But DH and I, by mutual agreement, don't have lunch, dinner, coffee or anything else - ever - alone with opposite sex individuals who aren't family.

And it's so not a big deal. We're not aware that it's ever hindered us professionally or socially. We don't make a point of declaring it to anyone. It's easy enough to politely decline casual invitations and to make sure when we're planning something that several people are included. We also don't have any close friends of the opposite sex that aren't friends of both of us, equally.

So if you have a manager of the opposite sex, do you not have one on ones with them to discuss professional development, how things are going, etc?

 

[ronandannette]

So if you have a manager of the opposite sex, do you not have one on ones with them to discuss professional development, how things are going, etc?

Of course. Where did I say we didn't? We meet with our bosses and our subordinates behind closed doors, we have opposite sex doctors (DH's is a lady, mine is a man), we ride in taxi cabs with opposite sex drivers, and any number of similar circumstances.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Interesting question. Let me ask a slightly different question. Would you be okay with your spouse or so going to lunch with a person (not necessarily co worker) of the opposite sex?

I've never been married but when I've been in relationships, I never once got the impression they would tolerate someone telling them who they could or couldn't go to lunch with. And frankly, I'm the same way. I go out with who I want. If you don't trust me, then you can probably start looking for a new partner.

Yes, I would and have. I probably wouldn't even give it enough of a thought to register that it was with someone of a gender and that might bother someone else, unless a someone else brought it up to me.

Sort of like the t ime my oldest went on a short trip with a different gender friend. Friend's wife had someone make a comment to her, was shocked by it and messaged me and weall had a good laugh. It was just the two people actually interested in a museum going to a museum, but other people had to get all weird about it, Yeah, ok, I hope they enjoyed their pearl clutching

 

[NHdisneylover]

If we're really moving to be a society where men and women are equal, I think we have to let go of the assumption that any interaction between a man and a woman is some sort of precursor to sex.

I like this sentiment and just thought it beared repeating

 

[PlainJane]

I never thought I needed to do anything to safeguard my marriage. I don't think there is a need when you trust your spouse (and yourself) completely.

Sounds like paranoia and a weak marriage if you need those kids of "safeguards" to keep you both from cheating.

It's not like this is the first time I have heard this, I'm completely aware it is the minority opinion. As far as the above quotes, I obviously don't agree. We do it because we value our marriage. We do it out of love and respect for each other.

I don't think anyone is above cheating. I could name highly respected people throughout history (I won't because of board guidelines) that the great blemish on their memory is that they were unfaithful to their spouse.

I didn't think to quote Pacolovestacos, but my husband and I are not preventing the other from doing something. We married each other because we share the same values.

 

[sam_gordon]

We do it because we value our marriage. We do it out of love and respect for each other.

I just want to point out that statements like this can also imply those who do go to lunch/dinner with the opposite sex don't value their marriage and don't love or respect their spouse.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I just want to point out that statements like this can also imply those who do go to lunch/dinner with the opposite sex don't value their marriage and don't love or respect their spouse.

Yep---it is one thing to choose that as how you both want your marraige to work, quite another to imply that others who work differently don't respect one another or value their relationship.

Personally, I feel more respected and valued by being allowed to make my own choices about myself and trusted with those than I would by being asked to limit who I am friends with or dine with, etc. But I can see how that might be different for other people

 

[North of Mouse]

I would not be comfortable with my husband going out to lunch on a regular basis with a member of the opposite sex. It has nothing to do with not trusting him, I simply find it inappropriate.

This! Neither dh or I would have been comfortable with this situation. Dh needed to travel a good bit also - most of the time alone, or with more than one other (both sexes). In other countries they usually dined together along with a co worker (or more) there that was familiar with the foods/language, in the states when that type situation arose, dh dined alone, or with a co worker from there.

Once, maybe fine, but why tempt fate on a regular basis. We have been happily married for 50 years now. Trust each other implicitly.

 

[Hikergirl]

It's not like this is the first time I have heard this, I'm completely aware it is the minority opinion. As far as the above quotes, I obviously don't agree. We do it because we value our marriage. We do it out of love and respect for each other.

I don't think anyone is above cheating. I could name highly respected people throughout history (I won't because of board guidelines) that the great blemish on their memory is that they were unfaithful to their spouse.

I didn't think to quote Pacolovestacos, but my husband and I are not preventing the other from doing something. We married each other because we share the same values.

We just think differently, my dh and I value our marriage and we love and respect eachother, and that is exactly why we don't feel the need to safeguard our marriage. If I felt that we had to come up with agreements to not cheat on eachother, or at the very least not make it easy to be tempted to cheat, then IMO we don't belong married in the first place.

 

[dosekies]

Agree with PP. I don't understand how you can say you trust your spouse, but then say you don't want to tempt them or put them in a situation where something might happen. That is not trust. You don't just accidentally end up cheating, it is a choice they would make whether you let them go into that situation or not. Men and women are completely able to be friends without anything more happening.

 

[Hikergirl]

Agree with PP. I don't understand how you can say you trust your spouse, but then say you don't want to tempt them or put them in a situation where something might happen. That is not trust. You don't just accidentally end up cheating, it is a choice they would make whether you let them go into that situation or not. Men and women are completely able to be friends without anything more happening.

Exactly, and I don't get the idea that it's inappropriate to go to lunch with your friend if they are the opposite sex. What is different than having lunch with a male friend?
It really comes across like they don't think men and women can control themselves around eachother if their spouse isn't around.
Maybe back in the caveman days.........

 

[Pacolovestacos]

The notion of "safeguarding" a relationship is so bizarre to me. A relationship shouldn't be a pot of gold that you need to protect from all of the world's degenerates.