Is it ok for spouse to go to lunch with co-worker of opposite sex?(Inspired by RIDISN

[NFLDERS]

DH works with a friend of mine and they have on occasion gone to lunch together. I trust both of them because she's a good friend and I know where she stands on her marriage and mine, plus DH is very careful about situations. But, I get the pp's point. I know a lot of people who would never go to lunch (or dinner or drinks) with anyone of the opposite sex and it has nothing to do with having a weak marriage. Quite the contrary, it has everything to do with honoring and respecting their partner. Anyone who thinks that anyone can't cheat is delusional, but you also have to know where the line is. DH would never go out regularly with any woman. The occasions he goes out with our mutual friend is very occasionally and it's a quick trip to grab lunch and return to work.

Regardless of what some think, anyone can fall. DH would never go out on a regular basis with any other woman and it's not because I wouldn't like it. It's because it would be dishonoring me and our relationship. Very simple and the couples I know that feel that way have all been married for a long time. Commitment and convenant do not make a weak marriage. It shows respect for the relationship.

BTW, happily married for 36 years so I've seen a lot.

Well, I've been happily married for "Almost" 47 years, and have seen even more. Just saying...

 

[kimblebee]

Post 100 was the re-start, and kimblebee the instigator!

COOL!!

I have the power to raise a zombie from the dead. I am invincible

MUAAHAAAAHAAAA

 

[pryncess527]

Regardless of what some think, anyone can fall. DH would never go out on a regular basis with any other woman and it's not because I wouldn't like it. It's because it would be dishonoring me and our relationship. Very simple and the couples I know that feel that way have all been married for a long time. Commitment and convenant do not make a weak marriage. It shows respect for the relationship.

BTW, happily married for 36 years so I've seen a lot.

I agree with this point. I have no issue with my husband going out to lunch with female co-workers, students, or friends, but this does not mean I think he is incapable of falling. While I like the murder comparison and I do generally think of my husband as the type who would "never" cheat on me because it's not in his nature, I'm also aware that many of us could do things we never dreamed of (murder included!) in the right (wrong?) situations.

What gives me confidence, is that my husband feels comfortable telling me (not reporting by demand, but sharing as part of his day) these events. He tells me stories about these women. I can tell from the way he discusses them and does not hide that I have nothing to fear. That is how he shows respect for me, while also contributing to the professional development of his female colleagues. I nurture our relationship at home, as does he, and that gives us a solid foundation that the outside world does not threaten.

I've only been married 13 years (together 18), so I have no doubt others have seen more than me, but that doesn't really impact what I know to be true within my union. Nor do I claim to know what is true within anyone elses.

 

[Shanna-like-Banana]

Whats up with all the zombie threads lately ?

I have no problem with DH going to lunch with any of his co-workers, let alone specifically the office ladies. Often, they carpool to the lunch spot anyways, parking is tight.

 

[NFLDERS]

This! Neither dh or I would have been comfortable with this situation. Dh needed to travel a good bit also - most of the time alone, or with more than one other (both sexes). In other countries they usually dined together along with a co worker (or more) there that was familiar with the foods/language, in the states when that type situation arose, dh dined alone, or with a co worker from there.

Once, maybe fine, but why tempt fate on a regular basis. We have been happily married for 50 years now. Trust each other implicitly.

OMG! I've just from: "Why tempt fate on a regular basis!?"

 

[luvsJack]

I find it really sad that people have to live that way. I could never be with anyone that did not trust me enough to be friends, have lunch with. etc someone of the opposite sex- I have had many close male friends and we magically were able to not sleep together-EVER. My friends husband is my "handyman" and he is often here working in my house alone with me here- even working in my bedroom (the horror!!!!) and again- never slept together. My very best friend in the world was a guy I worked with for 25+ years- he passed away a few years ago but we were as close as a brother and sister- when he died his kids told me how much he loved me- just like I loved him, like a brother! And nope- never slept together. I am sure that there are many who do end up sleeping together but seriously, if they do that then your marriage really wasn't that strong to begin with and you are better off without them! Once a cheater always a cheater and not worth your time.

I think you and some others are failing to understand something. Its not about trusting your spouse, its not about control or either telling the other what to do. Its a mutual agreement. Its something they BOTH want to do. And its about respect for the relationship. Its not that they think anyone who chooses differently doesn't respect their relationship or spouse, its just how they choose (both of them) to show respect for the relationship.

My oldest son and his wife are similar in this way. They each have time away from each other. They each have time "out with the boys" or "the girls", they just don't go in a mixed group unless they both go. They don't do anything that gives either of them time alone with members of the opposite sex. They have plenty of cook outs and get togethers and such to socialize with friends of both genders when they are together, they don't feel the need to do it otherwise. They don't think either will cheat but they strongly believe that neither should put themselves in a situation to be tempted or even suspected by others who may start rumors. They have one of the strongest marriages I have ever seen. But its a mutual agreement (although I don't think they have ever actually talked about it, its just how they choose).


DH and I never really discussed it either, it just never came up. If I want to see my male friends, I would normally invite them over when dh is home. Or we would go out to lunch or dinner with them together. Actually most of my male friends would never have expected me to go out with them alone.

 

[NFLDERS]

The only friend I know really well who has had an affair met her "other man" on the commuter bus to work. They specifically avoided going to lunches together because they didn't' want to raise suspicions.

That's nothing I knew two brothers who were married, and then had affairs with each other's spouses; Divorced, and remarried, my point is they were family.

 

[dosekies]

I think you and some others are failing to understand something. Its not about trusting your spouse, its not about control or either telling the other what to do. Its a mutual agreement. Its something they BOTH want to do. And its about respect for the relationship. Its not that they think anyone who chooses differently doesn't respect their relationship or spouse, its just how they choose (both of them) to show respect for the relationship.

My oldest son and his wife are similar in this way. They each have time away from each other. They each have time "out with the boys" or "the girls", they just don't go in a mixed group unless they both go. They don't do anything that gives either of them time alone with members of the opposite sex. They have plenty of cook outs and get togethers and such to socialize with friends of both genders when they are together, they don't feel the need to do it otherwise. They don't think either will cheat but they strongly believe that neither should put themselves in a situation to be tempted or even suspected by others who may start rumors. They have one of the strongest marriages I have ever seen. But its a mutual agreement (although I don't think they have ever actually talked about it, its just how they choose).


DH and I never really discussed it either, it just never came up. If I want to see my male friends, I would normally invite them over when dh is home. Or we would go out to lunch or dinner with them together. Actually most of my male friends would never have expected me to go out with them alone.

I guess I honestly don't understand how that kind of agreement is showing respect for the relationship. In my mind, showing respect would be being able to spend time with who I want, when I want, regardless of whether they are male or female. Respect would be not cheating or doing anything to hurt my relationship no matter what situation I am in. I'm sure there are some people who maybe never had those types of friendships before marriage so being in that kind of agreement after getting married isn't a big deal, but if I had to agree after getting married to stop hanging out exclusively with a male friend I've known my whole life as a way to show respect for my marriage I would find that offensive.

And again, you say they wouldn't do it but say they shouldn't put themselves in a situation to be tempted. If they were to be tempted, it would happen whether they went out alone together or not. I fully trust my fiance to go out for lunch/dinner with his exes to catch up. We're in our mid 20s and they dated, not seriously, in middle school or high school. I know darn well that if anything were to happen, it would not be him making the advance and he would put it to an end in an instant and tell me. HE would then make the choice to not see them again. That isn't my choice to make for him.

 

[mamacatnv]

Nope, no issues, eat with whomever you want.
I even have breakfast on the weekends about once a month with a former co-worker (male) we were co-workers for 10 years and are great friends. Some times if DH is available he will join us (same with my friends spouse) but usually its just the two of us. We talk for hours - neither of our spouses care. Frankly, both of our spouses are introverted and not really chatty and social, they probably look forward to our breakfast dates as they get a break from us

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think you and some others are failing to understand something. Its not about trusting your spouse, its not about control or either telling the other what to do. Its a mutual agreement. Its something they BOTH want to do. And its about respect for the relationship. Its not that they think anyone who chooses differently doesn't respect their relationship or spouse, its just how they choose (both of them) to show respect for the relationship.

My oldest son and his wife are similar in this way. They each have time away from each other. They each have time "out with the boys" or "the girls", they just don't go in a mixed group unless they both go. They don't do anything that gives either of them time alone with members of the opposite sex. They have plenty of cook outs and get togethers and such to socialize with friends of both genders when they are together, they don't feel the need to do it otherwise. They don't think either will cheat but they strongly believe that neither should put themselves in a situation to be tempted or even suspected by others who may start rumors. They have one of the strongest marriages I have ever seen. But its a mutual agreement (although I don't think they have ever actually talked about it, its just how they choose).


DH and I never really discussed it either, it just never came up. If I want to see my male friends, I would normally invite them over when dh is home. Or we would go out to lunch or dinner with them together. Actually most of my male friends would never have expected me to go out with them alone.

What bothers me about that, even if it worked for the couple in the relationship, is it limits others. As a couple of PPs mentioned the lack of mentoring of women in heavily make fields is a real problem, and this agreement between spouses would further limit any woman working where the husband does. Like a PP my husband makes a point of making sure the women he works with also get that mentoring and are not forgotten in discussions about who to promote etc. I'm proud of him for that.

And even among friends, what happens when one of "the boys" invites a new friend who loves fishing to come along and it's a woman? Does the spouse back out of the trip last minute leaving everyone feeling awkward? Or does the stay at home dad in the neighborhood (and his kids) get left out of playgroups and socializing that's deemed only for "the girls"?

I sure hope people with such rules in their relationships limit themselves socially and career wise so as not to be in a position to limit others instead

 

[DopeyDame]

That's nothing I knew two brothers who were married, and then had affairs with each other's spouses; Divorced, and remarried, my point is they were family.

I guess that's one way to avoid meeting a whole new set of inlaws!

 

[PollyannaMom]

Or does the stay at home dad in the neighborhood (and his kids) get left out of playgroups and socializing that's deemed only for "the girls"?

Good point. We had a SAHD in our playgroup when DS was little, and I remember him saying how grateful he was to find one that made him feel welcome!

 

[DopeyDame]

I think you and some others are failing to understand something. Its not about trusting your spouse, its not about control or either telling the other what to do. Its a mutual agreement. Its something they BOTH want to do. And its about respect for the relationship. Its not that they think anyone who chooses differently doesn't respect their relationship or spouse, its just how they choose (both of them) to show respect for the relationship.

My oldest son and his wife are similar in this way. They each have time away from each other. They each have time "out with the boys" or "the girls", they just don't go in a mixed group unless they both go. They don't do anything that gives either of them time alone with members of the opposite sex. They have plenty of cook outs and get togethers and such to socialize with friends of both genders when they are together, they don't feel the need to do it otherwise. They don't think either will cheat but they strongly believe that neither should put themselves in a situation to be tempted or even suspected by others who may start rumors. They have one of the strongest marriages I have ever seen. But its a mutual agreement (although I don't think they have ever actually talked about it, its just how they choose).


DH and I never really discussed it either, it just never came up. If I want to see my male friends, I would normally invite them over when dh is home. Or we would go out to lunch or dinner with them together. Actually most of my male friends would never have expected me to go out with them alone.

All the examples you give are of outside of work social scenarios. And in those cases, who you hang out with is totally none of anyone else's business.

But this initial post and the zombie-resuscitation is specifically talking about co-workers of the opposite sex. And in those cases, deciding to eliminate half the population from perfectly normal social interactions really does impact others. It is one of the many teeny-tiny disparities that combine to perpetuate stereotypes and enforce pretty crappy gendered expectations. One more challenge a person has to overcome to succeed in a field dominated by the other gender. One less way that a female engineer gets to be treated like an equal. One more way the male teachers is left out by his colleagues.

Sure, on an individual basis it might not make much of a difference, but inequities like these add up.

 

[Hikergirl]

It is not respect of our relationship, or respect for me if my dh thinks that I can't control myself around a member of the opposite sex. In fact its the opposite of respect.
And yes, it is control, and it doesn't make a difference if its agreed upon, that just means each party is trying to control the other and keep them "in line".

ETA, I don't care what people do in their own marriage or what kind of agreements they have together. If you have an open marriage, are swingers or are the opposite that is your business. I just have an issue with calling something respect, or saying your trust eachother when your actions are the opposite of that. Just own it, you want to control the situations your spouse is in because that is how your marriage works. There is nothing wrong with that, for you, but that is not a normal (as in the norm, common) way to show respect and trust to your partner IMO.

 

[luvsJack]

I guess I honestly don't understand how that kind of agreement is showing respect for the relationship. In my mind, showing respect would be being able to spend time with who I want, when I want, regardless of whether they are male or female. Respect would be not cheating or doing anything to hurt my relationship no matter what situation I am in. I'm sure there are some people who maybe never had those types of friendships before marriage so being in that kind of agreement after getting married isn't a big deal, but if I had to agree after getting married to stop hanging out exclusively with a male friend I've known my whole life as a way to show respect for my marriage I would find that offensive.

And again, you say they wouldn't do it but say they shouldn't put themselves in a situation to be tempted. If they were to be tempted, it would happen whether they went out alone together or not. I fully trust my fiance to go out for lunch/dinner with his exes to catch up. We're in our mid 20s and they dated, not seriously, in middle school or high school. I know darn well that if anything were to happen, it would not be him making the advance and he would put it to an end in an instant and tell me. HE would then make the choice to not see them again. That isn't my choice to make for him.

Again, no one is choosing anything for the other. Its the way BOTH parties choose to live. Its not like one says "you will no longer see A, B or C alone". They both just make that choice for themselves. For us, not even something we think about and I am sure its the same way for DS and DIL.

 

[luvsJack]

All the examples you give are of outside of work social scenarios. And in those cases, who you hang out with is totally none of anyone else's business.

But this initial post and the zombie-resuscitation is specifically talking about co-workers of the opposite sex. And in those cases, deciding to eliminate half the population from perfectly normal social interactions really does impact others. It is one of the many teeny-tiny disparities that combine to perpetuate stereotypes and enforce pretty crappy gendered expectations. One more challenge a person has to overcome to succeed in a field dominated by the other gender. One less way that a female engineer gets to be treated like an equal. One more way the male teachers is left out by his colleagues.

Sure, on an individual basis it might not make much of a difference, but inequities like these add up.

No one said everyone should live by this "rule". If I was a female engineer, maybe I would rethink it. And its not just one sided either. So to act as though its something that is holding back women is incorrect.

 

[luvsJack]

It is not respect of our relationship, or respect for me if my dh thinks that I can't control myself around a member of the opposite sex. In fact its the opposite of respect.
And yes, it is control, and it doesn't make a difference if its agreed upon, that just means each party is trying to control the other and keep them "in line".

ETA, I don't care what people do in their own marriage or what kind of agreements they have together. If you have an open marriage, are swingers or are the opposite that is your business. I just have an issue with calling something respect, or saying your trust eachother when your actions are the opposite of that. Just own it, you want to control the situations your spouse is in because that is how your marriage works. There is nothing wrong with that, for you, but that is not a normal (as in the norm, common) way to show respect and trust to your partner IMO.

How am I controlling the situation my husband is in if HE makes a choice not to go to lunch with a female alone. He makes the choice, not me. I never told him to make that choice, he never told me I had to make that choice. You aren't controlling someone if they are doing what the choose to do.

How you respect your relationship is on you. How others respect their relationship is on them.

 

[luvsJack]

What bothers me about that, even if it worked for the couple in the relationship, is it limits others. As a couple of PPs mentioned the lack of mentoring of women in heavily make fields is a real problem, and this agreement between spouses would further limit any woman working where the husband does. Like a PP my husband makes a point of making sure the women he works with also get that mentoring and are not forgotten in discussions about who to promote etc. I'm proud of him for that.

And even among friends, what happens when one of "the boys" invites a new friend who loves fishing to come along and it's a woman? Does the spouse back out of the trip last minute leaving everyone feeling awkward? Or does the stay at home dad in the neighborhood (and his kids) get left out of playgroups and socializing that's deemed only for "the girls"?

I sure hope people with such rules in their relationships limit themselves socially and career wise so as not to be in a position to limit others instead

How hard would it be to take another co-worker to the lunch too? Then they would not be alone.

The fishing trip would be different too, There is a group of guys, they wouldn't be alone. In my example of ds and dil, they don't go on fishing trips. They go out to dinner and for drinks with a group of friends. She goes out with a group of females. Unless one brought her husband, they wouldn't bring a guy. But if one did, ds would never tell her she can't go. She would choose on her on.

Play group, not alone.

You are making it into something its not.

 

[pryncess527]

No one said everyone should live by this "rule". If I was a female engineer, maybe I would rethink it. And its not just one sided either. So to act as though its something that is holding back women is incorrect.

To be fair, the poster you quoted also included male teachers being excluded. They did not make it one sided -- it can impact anyone in a gender-heavy field.

 

[luvsJack]

To be fair, the poster you quoted also included male teachers being excluded. They did not make it one sided -- it can impact anyone in a gender-heavy field.

Again, the original poster on the not going to lunch with the opposite sex said ALONE. She didn't say at all. For us, it would be ALONE. So if 4 teachers went to lunch and one was male, they wouldn't be alone.