Is it ok for spouse to go to lunch with co-worker of opposite sex?(Inspired by RIDISN

[PlainJane]

I just want to point out that statements like this can also imply those who do go to lunch/dinner with the opposite sex don't value their marriage and don't love or respect their spouse.

I considered it could imply that, though it was not meant to. Did I ever say "You must make the same decisions my husband and I have or you do not love your spouse?" Nope, but people can make their assumptions, just like some assume my husband and I have a "weak" marriage or would cheat on each other the second we had the opportunity.

I'm sure you do something in your marriage because it is important to your spouse that my husband doesn't do because it is not important to me.

Edited to add: And further to the point, I didn't take any of the many posters that said that they wouldn't take this stance, in their own marriage, for whatever reason personally. Things like trust and self-control were cited. I thought they were simply speaking honestly about their marriage, that they were just explaining why they would find it unnecessary. I didn't assume they were saying I didn't trust my spouse or had no self-control, unless they said so.

 

[Allison]

This! Neither dh or I would have been comfortable with this situation. Dh needed to travel a good bit also - most of the time alone, or with more than one other (both sexes). In other countries they usually dined together along with a co worker (or more) there that was familiar with the foods/language, in the states when that type situation arose, dh dined alone, or with a co worker from there.

Once, maybe fine, but why tempt fate on a regular basis. We have been happily married for 50 years now. Trust each other implicitly.

I feel like the 2 bolded sentences contradict each other. If you trust each other implicitly, how are you tempting fate by having meals with someone?

It's an interesting discussion.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

I feel like the 2 bolded sentences contradict each other. If you trust each other implicitly, how are you tempting fate by having meals with someone?.

Good catch!

 

[CarolAnn856]

There is no need for me to "safeguard" myself from cheating, as it is something I would never, ever do. Just as I would never, ever steal or murder.

Do those who fear being led down the path of adultery also avoid being alone in a room in someone else's home because they might be tempted to steal? Or avoid going hunting because they might be tempted to murder someone? That sounds crazy, right? Why would one need to safeguard themselves from something they would never do?

 

[Pacolovestacos]

By the way, the last thing I would be thinking about during lunch is getting busy with my colleague. I'm going to think about what to put on top of my burger or if I want fries or onion rings. If I want to get busy with my colleague, I'll wait till we are back at the office or perhaps I'll offer her a ride home. Honestly, a lunch should be the last of anyone's worries.

 

[North of Mouse]

I feel like the 2 bolded sentences contradict each other. If you trust each other implicitly, how are you tempting fate by having meals with someone?

It's an interesting discussion.

Not a contradiction at all!! We personally know two different couples for several years that were totally happy and trusted each other completely. One wife's job threw her together with a co worker a lot a few years back - even in other countries - and a couple years into that she turned up pregnant. The child is 6 now, they're still 'seeing' each other (he's married,she's alone) and it totally devastated their marriage. The other situation was similar.

Most people don't start out to 'cheat', but getting too familiar with someone constantly 'can' lead to other consequences. I 'know' whereof I speak!! This girl totally crushed me, as I know them (two grown children) very well.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

Not a contradiction at all!! We personally know two different couples for several years that were totally happy and trusted each other completely. One wife's job threw her together with a co worker a lot a few years back - even in other countries - and a couple years into that she turned up pregnant. The child is 6 now, they're still 'seeing' each other (he's married,she's alone) and it totally devastated their marriage.

And what if they had met at the gym instead of work? Do you not let your spouse go to the gym either, or maybe you chaperone him while he lifts?

 

[sam_gordon]

Not a contradiction at all!! We personally know two different couples for several years that were totally happy and trusted each other completely. One wife's job threw her together with a co worker a lot a few years back - even in other countries - and a couple years into that she turned up pregnant. The child is 6 now, they're still 'seeing' each other (he's married,she's alone) and it totally devastated their marriage. The other situation was similar.

Most people don't start out to 'cheat', but getting too familiar with someone constantly 'can' lead to other consequences. I 'know' whereof I speak!! This girl totally crushed me, as I know them (two grown children) very well.

So you've taken a single example and equated that to it would happen to everyone? Do you know any other people who HAVE gone to lunch with the opposite sex but didn't have an affair?

 

[Pacolovestacos]

So you've taken a single example and equated that to it would happen to everyone? Do you know any other people who HAVE gone to lunch with the opposite sex but didn't have an affair?

Don't forget about Brangelina

 

[pryncess527]

Hy husband works in a male dominated field, and has a genuine interest in helping women succeed in his field, because he's a good man who believes in equality and not a creepy perv looking to hit on grad students. That's one of the many reasons I love and married him. If he were to refuse to engage in the same type of mentoring activities with women as he does with men (i.e. casual workday lunch or coffee) then he'd be limiting the success of female colleagues and mentees. I would never want to contribute to that.

 

[aprilgail]

Agree with PP. I don't understand how you can say you trust your spouse, but then say you don't want to tempt them or put them in a situation where something might happen. That is not trust. You don't just accidentally end up cheating, it is a choice they would make whether you let them go into that situation or not. Men and women are completely able to be friends without anything more happening.

I find it really sad that people have to live that way. I could never be with anyone that did not trust me enough to be friends, have lunch with. etc someone of the opposite sex- I have had many close male friends and we magically were able to not sleep together-EVER. My friends husband is my "handyman" and he is often here working in my house alone with me here- even working in my bedroom (the horror!!!!) and again- never slept together. My very best friend in the world was a guy I worked with for 25+ years- he passed away a few years ago but we were as close as a brother and sister- when he died his kids told me how much he loved me- just like I loved him, like a brother! And nope- never slept together. I am sure that there are many who do end up sleeping together but seriously, if they do that then your marriage really wasn't that strong to begin with and you are better off without them! Once a cheater always a cheater and not worth your time.

 

[ronandannette]

...I didn't think to quote Pacolovestacos, but my husband and I are not preventing the other from doing something. We married each other because we share the same values.

This ^^ totally. No controlling, no appeasing jealousy, nobody feeling like they're being forced to miss out on anything.

="NHdisneylover, post: 57915686, member: 140726"]Yep---it is one thing to choose that as how you both want your marraige to work, quite another to imply that others who work differently don't respect one another or value their relationship.

Personally, I feel more respected and valued by being allowed to make my own choices about myself and trusted with those than I would by being asked to limit who I am friends with or dine with, etc. But I can see how that might be different for other people

In our case and perhaps the cases of several other PPs, nobody is asking anybody else to sacrifice anything. It's not like either my husband or I are out there going "gee, I sure wish I could spend more time with that lady/guy, but you know - rules". It's not like that at all! And it's not a code of conduct either of us has imposed on the other or even an agreement we have made. As PlainJane so aptly said, it's our mutual value and we both happily uphold it.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

My friends husband is my "handyman" and he is often here working in my house alone with me here- even working in my bedroom (the horror!!!!)

Oh my. How could you resist?

 

[DopeyDame]

Hy husband works in a male dominated field, and has a genuine interest in helping women succeed in his field, because he's a good man who believes in equality and not a creepy perv looking to hit on grad students. That's one of the many reasons I love and married him. If he were to refuse to engage in the same type of mentoring activities with women as he does with men (i.e. casual workday lunch or coffee) then he'd be limiting the success of female colleagues and mentees. I would never want to contribute to that.

As a woman in a very male dominated field, thank your husband for me! It was really hard breaking into the old boys club in the beginning, and I'm so thankful for the handful of guys who did reach out in casual activities to make sure I felt like (and truly was) part of the team. Thank God their wives didn't think I was out to steal their husbands and trusted their husbands enough to share a meal alone with a young woman.

 

[DopeyDame]

Of course. Where did I say we didn't? We meet with our bosses and our subordinates behind closed doors, we have opposite sex doctors (DH's is a lady, mine is a man), we ride in taxi cabs with opposite sex drivers, and any number of similar circumstances.

So what makes the presence of food a problem? Lots of professional relationships and deals are started over casual, unofficial meals and coffees.

 

[NFLDERS]

Started reading this earlier, but realized it was a zombie thread and clicked off. Now that seems to be going again, though, I'll answer. - DH and I are fine with all each other's friends, both men and women.

When I was working at the bank, my lunch slot coincided with a male co-worker's. We ate together all the time. DH had no problem with it. He knew my co-worker and his wife. They came to our wedding.

DH currently takes a martial arts class at a gym. The early time slot has a very small group, and sometimes that means he works with a woman. I'm fine with it. I trust him.

If we're really moving to be a society where men and women are equal, I think we have to let go of the assumption that any interaction between a man and a woman is some sort of precursor to sex.

Post 100 was the re-start, and kimblebee the instigator!

 

[DopeyDame]

Not a contradiction at all!! We personally know two different couples for several years that were totally happy and trusted each other completely. One wife's job threw her together with a co worker a lot a few years back - even in other countries - and a couple years into that she turned up pregnant. The child is 6 now, they're still 'seeing' each other (he's married,she's alone) and it totally devastated their marriage. The other situation was similar.

Most people don't start out to 'cheat', but getting too familiar with someone constantly 'can' lead to other consequences. I 'know' whereof I speak!! This girl totally crushed me, as I know them (two grown children) very well.

The only friend I know really well who has had an affair met her "other man" on the commuter bus to work. They specifically avoided going to lunches together because they didn't' want to raise suspicions.

 

[NFLDERS]

No, it wouldn't end my marriage but things would go from 'hey, I'm going out with my friend ________, you remember them, right?' to 'I'm going out..text if you need something'.

Of course, I would never marry someone who tried to control me.

Not picking on you, but you quoted me.. why don't you have friends of the opposite sex? You say you trust your husband, but there has to be a small part of you that doesn't. If a female made a pass at him, you should trust him enough to turn down the request and then tell you about it and end the friendship. Personally, I'd go nuts if I had to hang around only females all the time.

 

[NFLDERS]

[QUOTE="kimblebee, post: Personally, I'd go nuts if I had to hang around only females all the time.

Or ONLY FAMILY.... Yikes

When I think of all the friendships I've forged in my lifetime, and all the connections I've kept, it would sadden me not to have ie my childhood friends in my life still today.

 

[NFLDERS]

No, it wouldn't end my marriage but things would go from 'hey, I'm going out with my friend ________, you remember them, right?' to 'I'm going out..text if you need something'.

Of course, I would never marry someone who tried to control me.

Not picking on you, but you quoted me.. why don't you have friends of the opposite sex? You say you trust your husband, but there has to be a small part of you that doesn't. If a female made a pass at him, you should trust him enough to turn down the request and then tell you about it and end the friendship. Personally, I'd go nuts if I had to hang around only females all the time.

SORRYI DO NOT KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING; BUT, I CAN NOT SEEM TO TYPE BELOW THE QUOTE AREA!? NOW I SEE THIS CAME THROUGH BLANK x2!!