Inspired by that kissing thread...

[floridabound]

I agree!

And, a note to men...
Even if we are going from PG to R (or XXX) 'seconds' just doesn't usually cut it for a woman.

Again, I can understand and respect that. But this was in the kitchen, I'm walking out the door to work, kids eating breakfast - and still I get the "not in front of the kids" rejection. This wasn't an R or XXX issue.

 

[SC Minnie]

Again, I can understand and respect that. But this was in the kitchen, I'm walking out the door to work, kids eating breakfast - and still I get the "not in front of the kids" rejection. This wasn't an R or XXX issue.

Yeah, there is something else going on with your wife.

 

[Wishing on a star]

The kids get affection - hugs and kisses - from both of us.

I'm not trying to withhold information here, just trying to keep this from turning into a sexual thread. There are other issues that are relevant, but inappropriate for the board.

We have had some discussions. Depending on her disposition at the time, either I'm the problem or she is.

I just get the impression that there is ZERO interest in affection. Any affection is a concession - or a gift. It's really maddening. I'm thinking counseling is necessary, at least for me. If I'm the problem, maybe I can adjust my expectations so there won't be a conflict.

Would your wife agree to participate in some counseling?

Since it sounds like she is affectionate with the kids, then it appears to me that it could possibly be a deeper issue where she is not happy in the marriage. Men's needs (ie: physical sex and affection) are very simple, and very different from womens needs. It is very common for a man to simply not see where his wifes needs are not being met, and she is unhappy and disappointed. It is very common for a woman who's needs and expectations are not being met to feel completely contrary to sharing physical affection. Like one poster said, it could be possible that she is pulling way because of bigger issues in the marriage.

I think many of us here, including myself, have experienced these kinds of issues at some point in our relationships.

 

[floridabound]

Do you keep yourself clean? Is your breath fresh? I know it is hard getting into kissing if there is beer,alchohol,cigarette,onion.....on the breath.

You mean she didn't appreciate the lingering aroma of my beer-alcohol-cigarette-onion omelet?

 

[java]

Do you keep yourself clean? Is your breath fresh? I know it is hard getting into kissing if there is beer,alchohol,cigarette,onion.....on the breath.

I was going to ask how's your breath? Perhaps she in not comfortable telling you to use a mouth wash.
On that kissing thread it was determined that I am easy so there you go- a kiss for you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Again, I can understand and respect that. But this was in the kitchen, I'm walking out the door to work, kids eating breakfast - and still I get the "not in front of the kids" rejection. This wasn't an R or XXX issue.

Ohhh, I understand!! My comments there were just general. Going along with the other poster.

 

[Beth76]

Your wife is correct. Kissing in front of children is immoral and disgusting. You don't want them growing up thinking it's okay to kiss.

Absolutely, and you shouldn't sleep in the same bed either. You don't want the kids to grow up thinking they should always have someone in their bed.

OP, DH and I absolutely affectionate in front of our kids. Just like we hug and kiss them in front of each other. We hug and kiss each other in front of them. As long as it's just hugging and kissing it's nothing to be shameful about.

 

[Christine]

Again, I can understand and respect that. But this was in the kitchen, I'm walking out the door to work, kids eating breakfast - and still I get the "not in front of the kids" rejection. This wasn't an R or XXX issue.

I think what I'm trying to get at is that it can *start* (the lack of affection) in the manner I described in my earlier posts.

Maybe there were times (pre-kids) where every kiss or hug got you revved up and wanting more. And you let that fact be known. Before you know it, you wife starts avoiding the light affection at certain times (like when she's tired, etc) and then it just spirals into an all-the-time thing.

So, while this morning you were "just going off to work" you may have created at behavior in her that she just doesn't want to be affectionate anymore.

Also, I'm not saying that this is definitely your problem. It's just one of the issues that can crop up in a relationship and I actually think it is quite common. Your previous reactions to her affections may have been all sexual and that's how she associates now.

On the other hand, due to kids, tiredness, stress, etc., she just may not be feeling good toward you.

I know that when I get very stressed out and overwhelmed, and I feel that my husband is part of that stress, I just feel shut down.

 

[Wishing on a star]

due to kids, tiredness, stress, etc., she just may not be feeling good toward you.

I know that when I get very stressed out and overwhelmed, and I feel that my husband is part of that stress, I just feel shut down.

Well said!!!!

 

[floridabound]

I just feel shut down.

Yeah, I'm feeling the same way.

I think she'd be willing to go to counseling. And if not, I would go alone. It's to the point that it's a real problem. Not a simple physical problem, despite the male stereotype. Maybe I'm taking it personally when I shouldn't, but I'm seeing this as a reflection on me in particular. If that's the case, I wonder if counseling can help. If she's not attracted, she's not attracted. If I repulse her physically, well, counseling isn't going to make me look right.

 

[Bob Slydell]

WTH?

Sorry, not to make light of your situation, but the "not in front of the kids" excuse is quite obviously a weak one.

 

[MagicalMom]

Are you children very young? Sometimes a young mother can spend so much time holding babies, hugging kids, breast feeding, holding hands, etc. that they become overwhelmed by the constant physical contact. She may not even realize that she was pushing you off or hurting your feelings.

I would try a heart to heart talk with her. Maybe a weekend away from the kids could be the answer. I hope it gets better for you soon.

 

[pearlieq]

If I repulse her physically, well, counseling isn't going to make me look right.

Well, she married you and had kids with you, so she couldn't have been too terribly repulsed, unless things have really changed over the years. And even then, I can't see that making her shut down totally.

If she's willing to go to counseling, great. If not, going by yourself could be a good investment. You can figure out how you want to respond to her behavior and what you are and aren't willing to live with. I think it's a good idea either way.

 

[Christine]

Yeah, I'm feeling the same way.

I think she'd be willing to go to counseling. And if not, I would go alone. It's to the point that it's a real problem. Not a simple physical problem, despite the male stereotype. Maybe I'm taking it personally when I shouldn't, but I'm seeing this as a reflection on me in particular. If that's the case, I wonder if counseling can help. If she's not attracted, she's not attracted. If I repulse her physically, well, counseling isn't going to make me look right.

If you find the right counselor, it will help you greatly. It would also force her to face what it really going on and to communicate it to you.

Men always take it personally when physical affection is withheld--and why shouldn't they? However, it may not be about you at all, but you may be part of it.

I've been to counseling myself for all of my assorted issues and it can really give you some great perspective if you find the right counselor--that's the trick. The wrong counselor can often make things worse.

I could be totally off base, but I've found in issues such as these that a woman counselor is best because she understands women's motivations and also, if your wife does decide to go, she may be more apt to discuss an sexual/affection issues with another woman. I'm a fairly open person and I've felt a little more "stifled" with a male counselor.

 

[LindaM]

My dh & I have been together 23 years and there is not a day that we are together that we don't kiss, if we don't kiss, hug, hold hands when we are out our kids think we are fighting. I don't think there is anything unhealthy about it, my ds is 17 and dd is 18, and everytime they leave the house I get a hug/kiss on the cheek, and dh and I both get an "I love you" before they leave even with their friends present, I would like to think it was because it was something that dh and I always did, and they feel comfortable returning the affection.

 

[SplshMtn99]

Was she raised in a household that openly displayed affection? Or hid it? Or made it feel it was wrong (on any level)?

I came from a house without much affection shown...if any. While I had no problem showing it privately when I grew up, it did take a long time to be able to show it or even say it publicly.

Even though she shows it to your kids, she might still have a problem showing it to you.

 

[phorsenuf]

On the other hand, due to kids, tiredness, stress, etc., she just may not be feeling good toward you.

I know that when I get very stressed out and overwhelmed, and I feel that my husband is part of that stress, I just feel shut down.

Do you go away on trips by yourself and such? Maybe she feels resentful that you are out having fun while she's at home alone with the kids.

 

[ISupportTigger]

Interesting topic for your first thread...

 

[FSUGrad97]

Do you go away on trips by yourself and such? Maybe she feels resentful that you are out having fun while she's at home alone with the kids.

Adding to this, how much do you help around the house or with child-raising duties? Do you help out or does your wife have to do it all?

 

[mickeyfan2]

Affection in a marriage is very important.

Marriage counseling is needed immediately. She is withdrawing from your marriage.