Inspired by that kissing thread...

[floridabound]

Men feel rejection too and it hurts them as much as it hurts us.

Women get rejected?

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

My DH is kind of like that. We'll go in for a kiss and it goes from PG to R in seconds, and sometimes I just wanted a kiss. While I'm grateful he's still hot to trot after all these years, I do find myself sometimes avoiding contact just because I don't want to get in a situation where I have to either go all the way or tell him no. It's a bad habit, but sometimes it does seem easier to avoid.

sooo soooo sooooooooooooo true. My Dh is the same way.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Women get rejected?

It's been known to happen ...however I guess I was thinking more in the department of a woman feeling rejected if she isn't told that she looks pretty or isn't complimented over something she did, or has an anniversary overlooked, or mothers day overlooked...things like that.

 

[floridabound]

Actually my first thought was about possible hormonal imbalances in the wife. Has she been seen by a Dr? Does she realize there is a problem here? Is she maybe depressed? Or what about previous trauma?

I am sorry you are going through this OP. I would think that would be very difficult and feel really demeaning.

Depression has been an issue for our entire marriage and before. Perhaps she was just able to "push through" the depression for some time. But I see it as a constant. Something has changed. That's what I'm trying to figure out. If the depression were a recent thing, I'd be all over that.

I'll look into the hormone suggestion.

Right on about the demeaning part.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Kind of going back to the OP's point though, I guess I'd rather have him want it than not, kwim? And I try to make sure he understands that I'm not saying "no", just "hold the thought for later".

That is where the home entertainment joke comes into play. There is also the laundry joke, but I can't tell that one on the DIS.

No and not at this time but at a later time are two very different replys.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Depression has been an issue for our entire marriage and before. Perhaps she was just able to "push through" the depression for some time. But I see it as a constant. Something has changed. That's what I'm trying to figure out. If the depression were a recent thing, I'd be all over that.

I'll look into the hormone suggestion.

Right on about the demeaning part.

Is she taking an kind of bc pill or some kind of contrceptive? I know that it lowers alot of women's sex drives and can cause hormone problems and can really effect depression stuff.

Do ya'll spend any alone time together? Going out on dates? Do you touch when sitting on the couch? Has all intimacy(not kissing/sex) left the marriage?

 

[mickeyfan2]

Actually my first thought was about possible hormonal imbalances in the wife. Has she been seen by a Dr? Does she realize there is a problem here? Is she maybe depressed? Or what about previous trauma?

I am sorry you are going through this OP. I would think that would be very difficult and feel really demeaning.

I don't discount the ideas of wining and dining her esp as it may very well help if there is indeed something going on with her physically, but I would encourage you to gently talk to her about having a check up.

Is she on birth control pills. Some women lose their drive while on them. Works great at preventing pregnancies!!!!

 

[floridabound]

Have you talked with your wife about the way you're feeling beyond the "not in front of the kids" discussion?

So have you sat down & talked with her about it? A good heart to heart conversation?

We've had a number of discussions about affection in general. And the conversations have been more in depth than "what's wrong". There's usually an amicable resolution that works for a day. I don't want an unsustainable resolution like that.

 

[hlane]

On the other hand, due to kids, tiredness, stress, etc., she just may not be feeling good toward you.

I know that when I get very stressed out and overwhelmed, and I feel that my husband is part of that stress, I just feel shut down.

ITA!

 

[floridabound]

Is she taking an kind of bc pill or some kind of contrceptive? I know that it lowers alot of women's sex drives and can cause hormone problems and can really effect depression stuff.

Do ya'll spend any alone time together? Going out on dates? Do you touch when sitting on the couch? Has all intimacy(not kissing/sex) left the marriage?

Is she on birth control pills. Some women lose their drive while on them. Works great at preventing pregnancies!!!!

No bc.

We do spend time together, but it is limited by the demands of children and the house (which I do "help" with, btw). I'm trying to figure out what you mean by intimacy that doesn't at least involve kissing. Hand holding? Yes, we do that some.

 

[disneymom3]

Depression has been an issue for our entire marriage and before. Perhaps she was just able to "push through" the depression for some time. But I see it as a constant. Something has changed. That's what I'm trying to figure out. If the depression were a recent thing, I'd be all over that.

I'll look into the hormone suggestion.

Right on about the demeaning part.

I think you are going to have to be very frank and direct about this. The thing is that while right now it is something that makes you feel sad and hurt, eventually most people move past that into angry and frustrated. She has to know that this is a major issue and the only way for her to know that is for you to tell her. Hugs to you and to your wife. And good for you to even bring this up, alias or not. It takes courage and humbleness to even admit there is a problem let alone to seek advice from others on it.

 

[lovemygoofy]

No bc.

We do spend time together, but it is limited by the demands of children and the house (which I do "help" with, btw). I'm trying to figure out what you mean by intimacy that doesn't at least involve kissing. Hand holding? Yes, we do that some.

Intimacy I'm talking about is touching. Putting your arm around her on the couch, or her feet in your lap, touching your hair, or rubbing your ears. Do you still sleep in the same bed? Do you touch at night while sleeping or before going to sleep? Intimacy is something besides sex and kissing. It's that personal contact that no other person should have with your mate.

 

[floridabound]

The thing is that while right now it is something that makes you feel sad and hurt, eventually most people move past that into angry and frustrated.

While I am sad and hurt and angry and frustrated, I'm mostly concerned with the lack of mutuality. I worry that (barring some physical illness or injury) a relationship where there is no physical attraction is unsustainable. I'm not talking about "too tired" or "overwhelmed" or any of that. I'm talking about nearly every single gesture of affection is an act of marital duty fulfillment. That can't be right. Maybe for a short time, but not long term.

 

[java]

Ok I missed the discussion about the ages of the kids. Is she by any chance breastfeeding?

I ask because when I was, when dh came home and started to go in for a kiss I had the "UGH! Get off me I need my personal space" And it really had nothing to do with him and all with me.

Do you hug? Is hugging ok with her?

Now also with the no birth control- is she freaking out that kissing will lead to another baby.

 

[Monte Cristo]

A few of the responses on this thread are outrageous towards men....we're all sex crazed pigs.

To the OP, I think there's nothing wrong with giving the wife a kiss in front of the kids. If she feels otherwise, you're right, I do think there are issues that can be discussed through counseling. Good luck, I hope it works out the way you wish it to.

To all the other posters out there who think their men always turn a PG kiss into XXX I bet you all would be the first ones complaining that my man doesn't touch me anymore if he goes a day without giving you a kiss.

Men can't win, especially around here.

 

[floridabound]

Intimacy I'm talking about is touching. It's that personal contact that no other person should have with your mate.

We do many of those things you listed, I guess. I'm not sure it's what fits the definition of your last sentence though. For example, this weekend she was standing behind me as I sat at the table. She touched my shoulder. I realized that it felt almost sexual (it wasn't) since it probably been a few years since she's touched me like that on my shoulder.

Is she by any chance breastfeeding?

Do you hug? Is hugging ok with her?

Now also with the no birth control- is she freaking out that kissing will lead to another baby.

No breastfeeding. We do hug. She had a tubal after our last child, so that's not the issue.

 

[java]

I suspect there is more going on with her then. Talk to her. Ask her if she feels the lack of intimacy is a problem. Explain that you are hurt.
When my dh told me how he felt after I had our last child, I snapped out it. She might not be able to just snap out of it.
Good luck and I think you are a great example to all women that men have feelings too!

 

[Monte Cristo]

Good luck and I think you are a great example to all women that men have feelings too!

Exactly.

 

[1Prince2Princesses]

We've had a number of discussions about affection in general. And the conversations have been more in depth than "what's wrong". There's usually an amicable resolution that works for a day. I don't want an unsustainable resolution like that.

It sounds like you're doing everything you can to rectify the situation. I honestly feel for you, and I wish you luck in finding a solution. It sounds like counseling is about all that's left.

A few of the responses on this thread are outrageous towards men....we're all sex crazed pigs.


Men can't win, especially around here.

That can definitely be true on the DIS, or in life in general. I am more of a sex crazed pig than my dh , so I am not of that chauvanistic (towards men) mindset. You guys do get a lot of crap around here, though.

 

[Aidensmom]

I see parts of my own marriage in a lot of these posts. We sometimes have some arguments based on each other's perceptions of appropriate affection, and it all comes from the fact that we are just two completely different people. It doesn't necessarily mean either of us is "wrong", just that both of us have to step outside of what we are used to in order to compromise with the other.

My husband is extremely affectionate, and comes from a family that hugs, etc everytime they see each other. I come from a family that is not affectionate at all, if my mother hugged me I would probably think she was dying or something. Besides that, I have had some experiences that have caused me to have a very hard time with people in my personal space or touching me. I especially have a hard time with affection in public. While there is nothing wrong with a kiss in front of the kids, I will admit that it makes me feel a little weird to do so in front of my child because it is "public" to me, but we do the hello/goodbye/goodnight kiss stuff in front of him.

The solution for us is that BOTH of us have to make some changes so that we can compromise in a way that makes neither of us uncomfortable, and we have discussed this with the goal of really understanding how the other person feels about this subject. I make a concious decision to try to be more affectionate and to let him know that my tendency to not be affectionate has nothing to do with him but it is just the way I am, and my husband has cut back on trying to hug me everytime I walk past, etc. For me, I will feel pressured into being affectionate if someone makes me feel "abnormal" for just not being such an affectionate person in general, and then it makes me not want to be affectionate at ALL, and it is a vicious cycle. I guess what I am saying is, that if your wife is at all similar, make sure that you let her know that you just have a problem with the amount of affection, but that you still love and understand HER, or the problem can get worse.