Inspired by that kissing thread...

[Jeafl]

I find this thread very interesting, mostly because in my circle of friends, it is usually the women who are complaining about a lack of affection, not the men.

It took me a long time, but once I figured out that men and women are wired very differently emotionally, things drastically improved in our marriage.

Are you sure that there isn't something bothering her and she is taking it out on you the only way she knows how? I have found that it is rarely about one issue, it is one person shutting down because of something else going on. Women sometimes find ways of punishing men that make no sense to anyone but them.

What works for my husband and I is to go out of our way to spend as much alone time together as possible. Our children are 11, 14, and 18 so it is a little easier for us. Even if we can't get out of the house, we will watch a movie in our room, or hang out in the basement, or cook dinner together. We talk about our day, and we really LISTEN to what the other person is saying. That is harder than it seems because sometimes he talks about work which is less than interesting to me. We have decided to make each other our top priority, even above our children, which I know a lot of people disagree with.

I think in order to have physical intimacy, you need emotional intimacy first. have you ever tried emailing her during the day just to say hi and that you are thinking about her? My husband and I do this all the time. Most of the time the emails are g-rated, but it is fun to send an R or even x-rated email to each other once in a while. Once you regain that emotional closeness, the physical affection often follows.

I do feel for you though. I have a male friend that is trapped in a totally affectionless marriage and it is devastating to him. I never realized how hard it was for men until he told me about his situation.

Good luck, and I hope things improve. I think the fact that you are looking for advice is a good sign.

 

[Christine]

I see parts of my own marriage in a lot of these posts. We sometimes have some arguments based on each other's perceptions of appropriate affection, and it all comes from the fact that we are just two completely different people. It doesn't necessarily mean either of us is "wrong", just that both of us have to step outside of what we are used to in order to compromise with the other.

My husband is extremely affectionate, and comes from a family that hugs, etc everytime they see each other. I come from a family that is not affectionate at all, if my mother hugged me I would probably think she was dying or something. Besides that, I have had some experiences that have caused me to have a very hard time with people in my personal space or touching me. I especially have a hard time with affection in public. While there is nothing wrong with a kiss in front of the kids, I will admit that it makes me feel a little weird to do so in front of my child because it is "public" to me, but we do the hello/goodbye/goodnight kiss stuff in front of him.

The solution for us is that BOTH of us have to make some changes so that we can compromise in a way that makes neither of us uncomfortable, and we have discussed this with the goal of really understanding how the other person feels about this subject. I make a concious decision to try to be more affectionate and to let him know that my tendency to not be affectionate has nothing to do with him but it is just the way I am, and my husband has cut back on trying to hug me everytime I walk past, etc. For me, I will feel pressured into being affectionate if someone makes me feel "abnormal" for just not being such an affectionate person in general, and then it makes me not want to be affectionate at ALL, and it is a vicious cycle. I guess what I am saying is, that if your wife is at all similar, make sure that you let her know that you just have a problem with the amount of affection, but that you still love and understand HER, or the problem can get worse.

My God, I think you're my long lost twin!

 

[ThunderMTexpert]

Talk to her. It doesn't sound like JUST that as an issue. Personally, I won't hold affection from my DH in front of our children. I don't want them to see a copy of the honeymoon night, don't get me wrong, but it's important to show that marriages DO stay together in a positive way, not "just for the children," and especially in a world where what they're learning about the birds and bees WAY early, and in inappropriate ways. You want to show them positive affection. I don't see the problem kissing in front of children, but really- what's going on with her is something deeper.

 

[floridabound]

So we had a brief discussion this morning. No, kissing isn't the issue. She said there's no desire and hasn't been for the last 4 years - since she was pregnant with the younger DD. She said no women have desire and it's normal. After pointing out the flaw in that statement, I suggested that she may have a hormonal problem. She accepted that this may be possible.

 

[Bob Slydell]

She said no women have desire and it's normal.

I assume you realize that this is simply not true.

 

[floridabound]

So we had a brief discussion this morning. No, kissing isn't the issue. She said there's no desire and hasn't been for the last 4 years - since she was pregnant with the younger DD. She said no women have desire and it's normal. After pointing out the flaw in that statement, I suggested that she may have a hormonal problem. She accepted that this may be possible.

I assume you realize that this is simply not true.

Your assumption is correct, as indicated above. Moreover, I'm here discussing this because I know it's not true and her statement (and the belief and behavior it represents) is causing a problem. I'm trying to figure out what the problem is.

 

[Christine]

I'm trying to figure out what the problem is.

Quite simply, it is one of three things:

1. She truly has a hormone imbalance that affects her sex drive

2. Undiagnosed depression

3. She is unhappy in the marriage

 

[Bob Slydell]

Quite simply, it is one of three things:

1. She truly has a hormone imbalance that affects her sex drive

2. Undiagnosed depression

3. She is unhappy in the marriage

I would add 3a to the list -- she's cheating on him and thus redirecting her desires elsewhere. I'm guessing that's not the case, however.

 

[jsmith]

So we had a brief discussion this morning. No, kissing isn't the issue. She said there's no desire and hasn't been for the last 4 years - since she was pregnant with the younger DD. She said no women have desire and it's normal. After pointing out the flaw in that statement, I suggested that she may have a hormonal problem. She accepted that this may be possible.


Actually i know a number of women in their mid to late 30's who have experienced or are experiencing this after the birth of a second or third child-even went thru it some my self-although not to this extent-and most of them believe its normal-she needs to see her GYN and be honest about whats going on-having those hormones be out of whack can cause other issues-like thyroid problems and have long reaching backlash. The good news is-once i understood what was going on and got my self straight-things improved drastically.
and i dont have a problem with my kids seeing affection-never did-and we must have done our job cause they have no problem with us seeing them distruted it either (they are 18 and 22)