Hey Dan,
I have been thinking about your post a few pages back. I've stopped unpacking groceries and sat down here to type this out to you, because I so believe it to be true.
You asked a good question, about difficult relationships, and your kids. In my book, Dan, the best gift a dad can give his girls is respect for their mother. No matter what has transpired between you and she, she is still the mother of your children. And those children are girls, and they look to their dad, consciously or unconsciously, for cues on how men should treat women. They will base their knowledge and choices on you, their greatest example.
Thank you Liz for pointing this out to him...I think sometimes he forgets that he is okay because he is doing the right thing...
So even though it is hard, even though you have been hurt, even though you feel attacked, show your ex wife respect. Whatever she says in front of those girls of yours shows her character, not yours. Be loving when you want to be hateful, and silent when you want to attack back. They will not think, my dad is weak, or my dad is what my mom says about him. They will grow to adulthood, and think, my dad treated my mom well even when my mom treated my dad badly; thus, men should treat me with kindness and respect.
Exactly..I think that we are teaching all of our kids by our actions...and how we handle ourselves in the tough times speaks vloumes..beacuse we are watched more closely...
You can discuss what their mom says with them later, privately. You can ask them how it makes them feel, and share your feelings. You can ask them if they want to know what you think about what their mom says. Open dialogue. In this way, you can address it without attacking back. Think of how relieved they will be to have an adult who calmly discusses feelings and issues without defending themselves or posturing. When you are in the right, you have no need to defend yourself. When you are in the wrong, you own it. This is an amazing example and a set of tools for living and communication your girls will not get elsewhere.
That's my 2 cents, for what it's worth.
Okay, back to the groceries!