I wrecked Valentines Day before breakfast

[mickeyfan2]

So just to clarify being that I've only been married 5 years. If my husband brings home something I don't like, I should tell him that if he really loved me and listened to me he would only get the things I like? Because if he buys me something that shows he loves and appreciates me but not to my liking he really doesn't love or listen to me?

You got it.

 

[mjkacmom]

So just to clarify being that I've only been married 5 years. If my husband brings home something I don't like, I should tell him that if he really loved me and listened to me he would only get the things I like? Because if he buys me something that shows he loves and appreciates me but not to my liking he really doesn't love or listen to me?

If your DH buys you something you don't like, but thought you would like it, he gets an A for effort, and a big hug and kiss. However, if your DH buys you something he KNOWS you will not like, it's different.

 

[Andy B]

Are you married? Most (happily) married men LOVE to be told what to get for their wives - BEG to be told!

Wow what a swipe you took at me. Yes I have been married for 21 years and I think happily unless you want to come to London and audit my marriage,but I would not expect to be told to buy something for my wife unless I asked her what I wanted and Vice Versa.

Are you a married man? How would you know?

 

[SandraVB79]

Since i'm bored to death at work (Friday afternoon bored), I had time to think about it.

I hear many people (women) say they were hurt because they didn't receive the perfect flowers/ gift/ whatever.
As a "giver", you can also be very hurt.

In 2006, I had a boyfriend. Christmas comes, and I have to go shopping for presents (well, for a present for him, I shop all year long for presents for the family). BF was (well, still is) a spoilt brat who has basically everything imaginable. So, I ask him very subtle what he would like (well, I also asked it flat out!) and he says he doesn't know, blablabla. After some time, I realise he has no watch, always grabs his (ugly imo) cell phone to see the time, or he twists my arm around *ouch* to look at my watch. TADA! I have the perfect gift idea: a watch!

Since I wanted to look for one in the 300-500 Euro category (450-750 usd), I wanted to be somewhat sure about what kind he wanted. You know, digital or not, leather strap or metal strap. Lots of "gadget" functions on it or just time and nothing else, ...

When we are shopping together for presents at the mall, we come across a store that sells watches, and we look at it, and I ask him what kind he likes. He flat out tells me that he dislikes watches and "why do you ask, you're not going to get me one, right?" He must have seen on my face that I was very surprised by his answer and that yes, I was going to buy him one (hey, he told me to get what I thought he would like). He then tells me to not even bother because no way will he ever wear it, not even on special occasions.

Well, while it might not have been the perfect gift, his reaction really really hurt me. I had thought long about WHAT to buy, what kind, etc etc etc
Yes, people should put efforts in buying something the other person likes, but the person who receives should put efforts in liking what they receive, and appreciate it somewhat.





And btw, when I read reactions of some women here, I'm almost ashamed to be one.
Some people have problems with "entitlement". And no, I am not desperate.

 

[OceanAnnie]

My mom got me a cookbook for Christmas. She's gotten me cookbooks for years. I've told her I look up recipes on the internet. I've told her before I have enough cookbooks. But still I get cookbooks.

You know what? I say thank you. I put it with all the other cookbooks and smile to myself. Do I think she has some "motive" in giving me the cookbooks? No. Do I question that she loves me? No. Do I love her any less? No. She likes giving me cookbooks. I love her. And I accept what she gives me.

One day those cookbooks and the memories of her giving them to me will be everything to me.

 

[mm_ja]

Well since people seem to be interested. Let me say that my DW is great, I know it doesnt seem like that from my posting but she is a good person and a great mother. When things are good between us they are good, hjust when they are bad it is really bad and lately we have a lot more bad than good. It doesnt make sense for me to come on here and defend my wife without sounding like a hipocrite. Just suffice to say I do love her and deep down I think she loves me. We both just changed somewhere along the way. I think part of the problem may be we haven't really been with anyone else and maybe as we grew up into adults we changed. We started dating in high school I was 18 she was 17, we are now 36 and 35 and been together ever since. Anyway the somewhat conclusion does lead me to believe there is something going on deep inside that needs to be addressed and I am sure I play a part of the problem.

I called home yesterday adn said I would stop and pick up dinner and a bottle of wine on the way home. The tone of her voice sounded normal, almost like nothing ever happened. She said dinner sounded good but not to worry about wine, she had bought a bottle earlier in the day cause she knew she would need some. I get home and everything was almost normal, (no sign of flowers except for some her preschoolers gave her on wednesday) she was laying on the sofa saying she just didnt feel good that her stomach was upset. Me and the kids ate dinner in the kitchen and she ate on the sofa. No big deal. After dinner we exchanged gifts. She did appreciate her other two gifts said a vaery nice heartfelt thank you. It did help that my DS said he was there when I got the gift certificate so she knew I didnt run out and get that yesterday. She seemed run down but was in good spirits, She teaches preschool 3 mornings a week so being around kids it was very possible she has some sickness that is wearing her down. So she goes to bed about 8:30. In case anyone was wondering She gave me a pack of t shirts, some new boxer shorts and the game Boggle. Now I think I played Boggle once when I was 10, but she got the kids some games and I guess it was her way to get an extra game for the house.

So this morning I get up before everyone and walk the dog as always. At night we leave the kids doors open and in the morning when I get up I close them so I dont wake them as I am moving around the house. Well this morning My older one sat up when I went to close his door and I told him to lay back down and try to get some more sleep. I come in to the house and she is talking to my older son about his stuffed animals. I get the following out of my mouth "He was up" and she cuts me off and says something else to him, I again get "He was up when". Now at this point my intention was to just casually mentio he was up when I went to close his door, now I wanted to say this because that has never happed before. She jumped th gun by saying how she wasnt suprised my DS was up late last night because he had all his stuffed animals up around him and he was probably up playing with them and that when I see that happening I need to tak ethem away from him so he can get to sleep. I said no he was very calm last night, I didnt think anything about all the stuffed animals around him and that I was going to say he was up this morning early. She just said oh and went on her way.

Now at the top of the stairs going down to the garage we keep the kids book bags, jackets, shoes and stuff like that there. I was headed down to the closet at the bottom of the stairs to get my jacke twhen she says to me that if something is sitting at the top of the stairs it means it needs to go downstairs. I look back and there is a clear vase sitting at the top of the stairs. Now I guess people will believe what they want but I truely did not see it sitting there. She didnt really fuss about it but the words and the tone she used , well you could tell she wasnt happy. I guess what really bothered me was after telling her how I was sorry and that I would do a better job of paying attention I missed this and she seemed to think that to. Anyway I went and asked how her stomach was feeling and she said she felt fine, I said hhave a good day and that I would see her tonight. At taht point she seemed ok. Who knows anymore...

By the way I love my wife I just want us to get past all of this. It helps for me to be able just to get this all off my chest. I know some people will rip me one and some will sympathize. I appreciate everyone input, as I said it is interesting to get other viewpoints. She has her sisters to talk to and I am sure they are fully aware of things by now. I have the DIS.

 

[mjkacmom]

Wow what a swipe you took at me. Yes I have been married for 21 years and I think happily unless you want to come to London and audit my marriage,but I would not expect to be told to buy something for my wife unless I asked her what I wanted and Vice Versa.

Are you a married man? How would you know?

No, I am a married woman, and I most husbands I know WANT to be told what their wives want, not have to guess. My DH is great, but struggles with gift-buying. However, even though they haven't always been the best choices, I love them, and him, because I see that he really put some effort into the thought, and that's what counts. The last gift he gave me was a gift certificate at a spa. Very thoughtful! However, the last gift certificate he gave me to this spa took me 3 years to use, because the spa is 1/2 hour away, and with 5 children, with busy schedules, it's rare that I have several hours to spare to get a massage or facial. I told him I loved the gift, love getting massages and facials, but in the future, would love to have a gift certificate to the day spa down the street instead of the fancy spa with the robes and slippers, and relaxation room. That way, I could use it during the 2 hours that my twins are in preschool, instead of taking up 1/2 a day. He was not upset that I told him this.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I am really shocked and sad to see she threw out the flowers. What a childish thing to do. I think the vase was there to throw it back at you again. She needs help.

 

[kellyg403]

From experience please let me say this one thing. I believe that you do love your wife and that your marriage is simply going through a rough patch. But do NOT sit back and do nothing. Change things. If things continue on this path, in 6 months you will be sitting around wondering when you stopped loving her and when did your life become one where it hurt just to be in the same room. Over time, unreasolved issues such as communication will deteriate your relationship to the point there will be little left to save. Please try couples counseling or read a book on communication and try to find a way to read it with her. Both of you need to change. I am sorry but I do think love has a way of helping us "take" alot more than we need to in fear of losing everything. But, you will lose everything you have, feel or want if things continue.

I know this isn't what you might want to hear but it is the truth. I lived the same life. I woke up one day wondering if I would ever remember when I truly loved the person beside me. Wondering when exactly, what little moment changed things for me.

Kelly

 

[OceanAnnie]

Well since people seem to be interested. Let me say that my DW is great, I know it doesnt seem like that from my posting but she is a good person and a great mother. When things are good between us they are good, hjust when they are bad it is really bad and lately we have a lot more bad than good. It doesnt make sense for me to come on here and defend my wife without sounding like a hipocrite. Just suffice to say I do love her and deep down I think she loves me. We both just changed somewhere along the way. I think part of the problem may be we haven't really been with anyone else and maybe as we grew up into adults we changed. We started dating in high school I was 18 she was 17, we are now 36 and 35 and been together ever since. Anyway the somewhat conclusion does lead me to believe there is something going on deep inside that needs to be addressed and I am sure I play a part of the problem.

I called home yesterday adn said I would stop and pick up dinner and a bottle of wine on the way home. The tone of her voice sounded normal, almost like nothing ever happened. She said dinner sounded good but not to worry about wine, she had bought a bottle earlier in the day cause she knew she would need some. I get home and everything was almost normal, (no sign of flowers except for some her preschoolers gave her on wednesday) she was laying on the sofa saying she just didnt feel good that her stomach was upset. Me and the kids ate dinner in the kitchen and she ate on the sofa. No big deal. After dinner we exchanged gifts. She did appreciate her other two gifts said a vaery nice heartfelt thank you. It did help that my DS said he was there when I got the gift certificate so she knew I didnt run out and get that yesterday. She seemed run down but was in good spirits, She teaches preschool 3 mornings a week so being around kids it was very possible she has some sickness that is wearing her down. So she goes to bed about 8:30. In case anyone was wondering She gave me a pack of t shirts, some new boxer shorts and the game Boggle. Now I think I played Boggle once when I was 10, but she got the kids some games and I guess it was her way to get an extra game for the house.

So this morning I get up before everyone and walk the dog as always. At night we leave the kids doors open and in the morning when I get up I close them so I dont wake them as I am moving around the house. Well this morning My older one sat up when I went to close his door and I told him to lay back down and try to get some more sleep. I come in to the house and she is talking to my older son about his stuffed animals. I get the following out of my mouth "He was up" and she cuts me off and says something else to him, I again get "He was up when". Now at this point my intention was to just casually mentio he was up when I went to close his door, now I wanted to say this because that has never happed before. She jumped th gun by saying how she wasnt suprised my DS was up late last night because he had all his stuffed animals up around him and he was probably up playing with them and that when I see that happening I need to tak ethem away from him so he can get to sleep. I said no he was very calm last night, I didnt think anything about all the stuffed animals around him and that I was going to say he was up this morning early. She just said oh and went on her way.

Now at the top of the stairs going down to the garage we keep the kids book bags, jackets, shoes and stuff like that there. I was headed down to the closet at the bottom of the stairs to get my jacke twhen she says to me that if something is sitting at the top of the stairs it means it needs to go downstairs. I look back and there is a clear vase sitting at the top of the stairs. Now I guess people will believe what they want but I truely did not see it sitting there. She didnt really fuss about it but the words and the tone she used , well you could tell she wasnt happy. I guess what really bothered me was after telling her how I was sorry and that I would do a better job of paying attention I missed this and she seemed to think that to. Anyway I went and asked how her stomach was feeling and she said she felt fine, I said hhave a good day and that I would see her tonight. At taht point she seemed ok. Who knows anymore...

By the way I love my wife I just want us to get past all of this. It helps for me to be able just to get this all off my chest. I know some people will rip me one and some will sympathize. I appreciate everyone input, as I said it is interesting to get other viewpoints. She has her sisters to talk to and I am sure they are fully aware of things by now. I have the DIS.

Clear vase. Was that the vase the flowers were in?

It does sound like you love your DW. It is good to get things off your chest. Sometimes you do need to get things off of your chest.

 

[Soulsearching]

All I can say is marriages are hard work and they have their ups and downs.

Sometimes the ride is bumpy.

I went to the prom with DH, dated him all through college and then married him. Married for 23 years, together for 30.

There were some rough roads, I'm moody, he's moody and sometimes things ya just don't understand why. Kids stress you out, work stress you out. Who can explain it. Then you take it out on each other.

You need to get alone at least one night a week and go out with her alone. Even if it's just for pizza and a soda, or going out for a coffee or ice cream and just sit and talk and let her talk, just listen, don't try to solve or fix, just listen.

 

[SandraVB79]

Well since people seem to be interested. Let me say that my DW is great, I know it doesnt seem like that from my posting but she is a good person and a great mother. When things are good between us they are good, hjust when they are bad it is really bad and lately we have a lot more bad than good. It doesnt make sense for me to come on here and defend my wife without sounding like a hipocrite. Just suffice to say I do love her and deep down I think she loves me. We both just changed somewhere along the way. I think part of the problem may be we haven't really been with anyone else and maybe as we grew up into adults we changed. We started dating in high school I was 18 she was 17, we are now 36 and 35 and been together ever since. Anyway the somewhat conclusion does lead me to believe there is something going on deep inside that needs to be addressed and I am sure I play a part of the problem.

Bolding is mine.

This just struck me. You THINK she loves you?
It struck me earlier in one of your posts that you were already thinking about a next wife (when you said you wouldn't buy red roses for your second wife).

I am very sorry, but those things just scream that there are issues!
Not that I know what to do about it, but imo, thinking about what you'll do when you have a next wife doesn't sound like you're very into this one anymore.
Thinking that she loves you... I think it's time for you to find out whether she loves you or not. Because if not... :confused2:

 

[Andy B]

No, I am a married woman, and I most husbands I know WANT to be told what their wives want, not have to guess.

Ah but you don't say they are happily married.

Actually my wife did her masters dissertation on the sociology of Give Exchange and runs a Design agency dedicated to the Gift industry so I have hear a little on this subject over the years, if I give a greetings card she is likely to look at the back to see who produced it.

Last year she had her 50th Birthday and I booked swimming with Dolphins at DC. while were were on holiday in WDW. and most of my friends must have a little more imagination than your married men friends as none of them have ever mentioned wanting to be told what to buy.

 

[mjkacmom]

Well since people seem to be interested. Let me say that my DW is great, I know it doesnt seem like that from my posting but she is a good person and a great mother. When things are good between us they are good, hjust when they are bad it is really bad and lately we have a lot more bad than good. It doesnt make sense for me to come on here and defend my wife without sounding like a hipocrite. Just suffice to say I do love her and deep down I think she loves me. We both just changed somewhere along the way. I think part of the problem may be we haven't really been with anyone else and maybe as we grew up into adults we changed. We started dating in high school I was 18 she was 17, we are now 36 and 35 and been together ever since. Anyway the somewhat conclusion does lead me to believe there is something going on deep inside that needs to be addressed and I am sure I play a part of the problem.

I called home yesterday adn said I would stop and pick up dinner and a bottle of wine on the way home. The tone of her voice sounded normal, almost like nothing ever happened. She said dinner sounded good but not to worry about wine, she had bought a bottle earlier in the day cause she knew she would need some. I get home and everything was almost normal, (no sign of flowers except for some her preschoolers gave her on wednesday) she was laying on the sofa saying she just didnt feel good that her stomach was upset. Me and the kids ate dinner in the kitchen and she ate on the sofa. No big deal. After dinner we exchanged gifts. She did appreciate her other two gifts said a vaery nice heartfelt thank you. It did help that my DS said he was there when I got the gift certificate so she knew I didnt run out and get that yesterday. She seemed run down but was in good spirits, She teaches preschool 3 mornings a week so being around kids it was very possible she has some sickness that is wearing her down. So she goes to bed about 8:30. In case anyone was wondering She gave me a pack of t shirts, some new boxer shorts and the game Boggle. Now I think I played Boggle once when I was 10, but she got the kids some games and I guess it was her way to get an extra game for the house.

So this morning I get up before everyone and walk the dog as always. At night we leave the kids doors open and in the morning when I get up I close them so I dont wake them as I am moving around the house. Well this morning My older one sat up when I went to close his door and I told him to lay back down and try to get some more sleep. I come in to the house and she is talking to my older son about his stuffed animals. I get the following out of my mouth "He was up" and she cuts me off and says something else to him, I again get "He was up when". Now at this point my intention was to just casually mentio he was up when I went to close his door, now I wanted to say this because that has never happed before. She jumped th gun by saying how she wasnt suprised my DS was up late last night because he had all his stuffed animals up around him and he was probably up playing with them and that when I see that happening I need to tak ethem away from him so he can get to sleep. I said no he was very calm last night, I didnt think anything about all the stuffed animals around him and that I was going to say he was up this morning early. She just said oh and went on her way.

Now at the top of the stairs going down to the garage we keep the kids book bags, jackets, shoes and stuff like that there. I was headed down to the closet at the bottom of the stairs to get my jacke twhen she says to me that if something is sitting at the top of the stairs it means it needs to go downstairs. I look back and there is a clear vase sitting at the top of the stairs. Now I guess people will believe what they want but I truely did not see it sitting there. She didnt really fuss about it but the words and the tone she used , well you could tell she wasnt happy. I guess what really bothered me was after telling her how I was sorry and that I would do a better job of paying attention I missed this and she seemed to think that to. Anyway I went and asked how her stomach was feeling and she said she felt fine, I said hhave a good day and that I would see her tonight. At taht point she seemed ok. Who knows anymore...

By the way I love my wife I just want us to get past all of this. It helps for me to be able just to get this all off my chest. I know some people will rip me one and some will sympathize. I appreciate everyone input, as I said it is interesting to get other viewpoints. She has her sisters to talk to and I am sure they are fully aware of things by now. I have the DIS.

I really think you need to communicate your feelings to your wife, instead of venting about it. Instead of telling her you didn't see the vase, you apologized. Instead, maybe you could've said "I didn't see the vase, and although I will try harder picking up around here, it just doesn't bother me as much as it bothers you. I will make more of an effort to help out, but please stop treating my like a child." She just might surprise you, and respect the fact that you are taking some control.

 

[Jpgirl]

I'm sorry for your pain. A home just isn't a home when there's disharmony. Do yourselves a favor and find a good marriage therapist. Dh and I saw my ds's therapist for a time when we were dealing with IL issues. Think of a therapist as a mediator-it was really eye opening for me because I thought I knew my dh-but the therapist helped both of us express our feelings better. I really feel for both of you because you both sound so much like my BIL and SIL (even the fact that she's a preschool teacher). They've been married a long time-now their kids are at college and they've gone through a rough time adjusting because they always talked through around the kids-now they're forced to relate to each other on a personal level.

I'm not saying my marriage is all love and sunshine, but I will say that we've had some tough things thrown at us and we had to learn to work as a team. Now it would kill me if I acted like your wife. I know that when our kids were little I did act like that and I'm ashamed that I caused so much heart ache in my dh's heart. My dh had his share of fault too, as I'm sure you do. Try to go together and get some help.

 

[mickeyboat]

You two seem to have hit a bump in the road, and you need to do a lot of work to get over it. It sounds like you have not been communicating well, and you both have a lot of pent up resentment towards one another. You either need to work through it, or really and truly let it go.

Please try hard for the sake of your children, your marriage, and your own happiness. A lot of people say marriage is easy, and it is during the good times. But during the bad times, it can be really hard. I think my marriage is stronger because we have been able to weather the storms. I hope yours wil be too, someday.

Good luck to you.

Denae

ETA - I got roses (3 red) for VDay and I was thrilled. DH said he stood in line with 20 other people at the florist's to get them, and that he was there too late for the florist to deliver them.

 

[mm_ja]

The post I made about not buying roses again for her, my dead mother or next wife was an (apparently very poor) attempt at a humerous reply to several posts that said in no uncertain terms to never buy my DW red roses again. All I was trying to say in that post was that I learned that lesson so well I dont want to buy red roses for anyone for any reason.

Now let me say that of course if the situation or person was appropriate I would.

 

[RadioNate]

I'd wager that those of us who believe we'd react to the gift (or have reacted to a similar type of gift) with a thank you, a smile, a shrug, or some other version of appreciation/non-issue all feel pretty happy/satisfied in our relationships (past or present, in whatever manifestation, romantic or otherwise). We believe we have good relationships and so the gift-giving doesn't represent the entirety of our relationship. And those of us who sympathize with the wife's reaction or call the OP's behavior into question, especially those posters saying they identify with the couple....well, those of us in these relationships seem to see the gift-giving as part of a larger, more negative pattern of behavior. In short, for the former group the less-than-ideal gift is just a gift. For the latter group, the less-than-ideal gift represents the state of the relationship.

Of course, I'm sure my impressions wouldn't hold for every single post, that there would be exceptions. But it seems fairly obvious to me that our own relationships are coloring the reactions & advice we give the OP. Something to keep in mind.

you know what I agree. I am able to see the wife's side even though I do agree that her reaction was over the top. That said, at times DH and I have had a less than ideal marriage and I have felt that my DH doesn't listen to me or value my opinions. From that prespective I can see how a simple wrong gift can confirm those opinions.

Yesterday, DH got me a bag of the green M&Ms at the grocery store on his way home from work. While not a super romantic it was special to me because I had told him how clever I thought M&M was being finally capitalizing on the 'green M&M' legend. I thought it was nice that when he saw them he remembered our conversation.

So just to clarify being that I've only been married 5 years. If my husband brings home something I don't like, I should tell him that if he really loved me and listened to me he would only get the things I like? Because if he buys me something that shows he loves and appreciates me but not to my liking he really doesn't love or listen to me?

What you and others are missing is that TO HER it DIDN'T show he loved or appriciated her. It reminded her, right or wrong, of her already existing feeling of insecurity about their relationship.

I've read you posts about your DH and I know you are in a good secure loving relationship. I think it is great that you feel that any gift shows that your DH loves you and appriciates you. I really do pray that none of the people who feel the way you do ever feel the other way.

When you are in a relationship with problems and are already feeling unloved and unappriciated the wrong gift just becomes one more thing that remindes you of how unloved and unappriciated you feel. Because you don't want to feel that way, you build holidays and other occasions up in your mind.

You start to imagine, 'I know he still cares, I know he does,' then you start thinking about how he is going to come home with your perfect favorite flowers and that everything is going to be ok. So then when things go wrong you get an out of wack reaction.

Of course this is all speculation but I can't imagine that there is nothing else going on in this marriage and the wife is just a selfish brat. To me she seems very insecure and obviously has some other issues she needs help with (OCD, depression?).

 

[Skywalker]

Now I think I played Boggle once when I was 10, but she got the kids some games and I guess it was her way to get an extra game for the house.

Man, it sounds like you are just as judgmental and unappreciative of gifts as she is!

 

[mm_ja]

Man, it sounds like you are just as judgmental and unappreciative of gifts as she is!

I had that one coming didnt I.