I wrecked Valentines Day before breakfast

[RadioNate]

Because I also have a degree is psychology, DIS; I will say that to me the wife sounds depressed. Always tired, illnesses (stomach ache), irrational outbursts, all signs of depression. She sat and ate dinner alone on the couch instead of with the family. From what the OP says, it seems clear to me that the wife is one unhappy person.

OP get help for yourself, your wife and your marriage. Non of you can continue to live this way.

 

[FayeW]

My husband and I do not celebrate Valentine's Day. Not gifts, cards, dinner out, nothing.

Imagine my surprise when he came home with a heart shaped box of chocolates. Now, he knows I love chocolate, but he also knows that I have been working very hard for the last few weeks to try to lose some of the weight that I have been carrying for far too long. So, was it the smartest gift he could choose? Absolutely not. He knows I love flowers so any king of flower would have been a better choice than candy he knows will tempt me. Maybe the candy was a way of rewarding me for my efforts over the last few weeks. I don't know.

What I do know is that I thanked him kindly for his gift, and shared my candy with him and the kids. I do know that if I had criticized his gift as not being thoughtful because I am on a diet, he would have had two words for me...and they wouldn't have been "I'm sorry". I also would probably never have gotten another spontaneous Valentine's gift for the rest of our marriage.

OP, you have to stop taking your wife's crap. I can guarantee you that if I made the comment to my husband (or him to me) that your wife made about "when something is sitting at the top of the stairs it means it needs to go down stairs" the response, from either one of us, would have been. "Well, if you wanted it downstairs you should have put it there, instead of leaving it at the top of the stairs where somebody could trip over it."

This had nothing to do with the vase going downstairs. It was her (not so) passive agressive way of pointing out to you ONE MORE TIME how horrible and uncaring you are. She had to put the screws to you, and ruin another day. Make no mistake, your wife has a problem, but it is her problem and her issue. You cannot fix this for her, and telling her your sorry for every minor transgression is not helping her. You have to get angry with her and tell her to knock of the bull. As long as you keep taking her crap, she's going to keep dishing it out until your marriage implodes.

BTW, I have been married for nearly 18 yrs. Been together 20. There is a passive agressive war going on in this house, too.

 

[mickeyfan2]

My husband and I do not celebrate Valentine's Day. Not gifts, cards, dinner out, nothing.

Imagine my surprise when he came home with a heart shaped box of chocolates. Now, he knows I love chocolate, but he also knows that I have been working very hard for the last few weeks to try to lose some of the weight that I have been carrying for far too long. So, was it the smartest gift he could choose? Absolutely not. He knows I love flowers so any king of flower would have been a better choice than candy he knows will tempt me. Maybe the candy was a way of rewarding me for my efforts over the last few weeks. I don't know.

What I do know is that I thanked him kindly for his gift, and shared my candy with him and the kids. I do know that if I had criticized his gift as not being thoughtful because I am on a diet, he would have had two words for me...and they wouldn't have been "I'm sorry". I also would probably never have gotten another spontaneous Valentine's gift for the rest of our marriage.

 

[mm_ja]

I can guarantee you that if I made the comment to my husband (or him to me) that your wife made about "when something is sitting at the top of the stairs it means it needs to go down stairs" the response, from either one of us, would have been. "Well, if you wanted it downstairs you should have put it there, instead of leaving it at the top of the stairs where somebody could trip over it."
[/QUOTE

I just want to reply with my thoughts on this and see what others think. From her point of view I was being lazy and just didnt want to take the vase downstairs. It is difficult for her to believe it was a mistake on my part and that I did not see the vase. In her mind it was perfectly obvious that the vase was there and that the only reason it was at the top while I was at the bottom was because I made a concious choice not to take it down with me. I guess that is one thing I want her to understand. Yes I make mistakes, yes I may make more than most people, but that is what they are mistakes/accidents. I dont get up in the morning thinking Hmmmm, hhow can I upset DW today. If I had made a similar reply as above it would be seen as rude and hurtful to her and that wouldnt a husband who cared for his wife want to take the vase downstairs to save his wife the trouble, thats what a caring husband would do, but I forgot you arent a caring husband.

 

[Mkrop]

If your DH buys you something you don't like, but thought you would like it, he gets an A for effort, and a big hug and kiss. However, if your DH buys you something he KNOWS you will not like, it's different.

 

[auntie]

I haven't read through all the pages..so maybe it's been said already..but she's depressed. It probably wouldn't have mattered what color flowers they were. While I agree her response was not what you expected, and that you did put more effort into your choice than she was aware of..there is more going on there than your incorrect choice of flowers. She's your wife..the mother of your children...find out what really needs to be done to help her feel better. It's not going to be a one time fix either...she has some problems with depression(just my opinion) and maybe really needs to feel as if she's first with someone. That someone knows her likes and dislikes, and your mistake on valentines Day was just the straw that broke the camels back, as to how she's feeling. Whether that's justified or not..it is how she feels. You can't change that...Gotta figure out why it is she's feeling the way she does..and help her. Some time away from the kids and house for the two of you..some "alone" time..even if it's just a night or two a week, would be a good start. You've got to reconnect emotionally. Good luck to you..you sound like a caring concerned husband..I'm sure you'll get through this, because you love her.

 

[Poohgirl]

I can guarantee you that if I made the comment to my husband (or him to me) that your wife made about "when something is sitting at the top of the stairs it means it needs to go down stairs" the response, from either one of us, would have been. "Well, if you wanted it downstairs you should have put it there, instead of leaving it at the top of the stairs where somebody could trip over it."
[/QUOTE

I just want to reply with my thoughts on this and see what others think. From her point of view I was being lazy and just didnt want to take the vase downstairs. It is difficult for her to believe it was a mistake on my part and that I did not see the vase. In her mind it was perfectly obvious that the vase was there and that the only reason it was at the top while I was at the bottom was because I made a concious choice not to take it down with me. I guess that is one thing I want her to understand. Yes I make mistakes, yes I may make more than most people, but that is what they are mistakes/accidents. I dont get up in the morning thinking Hmmmm, hhow can I upset DW today. If I had made a similar reply as above it would be seen as rude and hurtful to her and that wouldnt a husband who cared for his wife want to take the vase downstairs to save his wife the trouble, thats what a caring husband would do, but I forgot you arent a caring husband.

I think you wife is being a witch with a capital "B". She has dramatically high expectations which will only lead to her own disappointment when they are not met. As for the issue above, why is the same not true for her? If she wanted the vase downstairs, she should have brought it downstairs, don't leave it for you to emphasize the fact that the flowers are gone then get upset with you because you missed her jab?

 

[mm_ja]

In an effort of full disclosure, the vase in question was not the one I purchased. The one I purchased and placed the flowers in has not been seen by me sinceabout 7 am yesterday. This was a different vase. Also, if I had seen the vase I would have taken it downstairs. From time to time we leave things there that need to go down but we arent necessarily heading downstairs. I just didnt see it sitting there.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Flowers eventually die and are not anything to get real worked up about.

I know someone who's husband bought her a big box of chocolates for Valentines Day. Sounds nice but this woman had gastric bypass a few months ago. Sugar makes her sick as a dog. Talk about not thinking!!!

Hope things improve for you OP.

 

[DorkyDisneyMom]

I haven't read through all the pages. I think you need to go to counseling. Not just Dis counseling. Dh and I did. It was by far the best thing we ever did for our relationship. A neutral third party can help both of you work through a lot of stuff, without it becoming a huge fight. It sounds like emotions are running high on both ends.

If you don't want to do counseling maybe you could go to a marriage conference. I think until you two are able to talk it out, it's going to be really rough going, no matter what you do.

 

[Mischa]

So true. Sometimes I’m embarrassed to be one! But the weird part to me is that a lot of men really seem to thrive on being treated like dirt by women. I just don’t get it. Sometimes I read posts (like this one) by men here and I think, holy cow, how can he put up with that and why on earth did he marry her in the first place. But these men must be getting something they need/want out of these relationships.

I've thought the same thing about some men that stay with women that treat them like dirt. I have a couple of friends (male) that I just can't stand how their wives treat them. (and I was friends with the wives first but they never treated their boyfriends like that; it was as if once they got married they figured it was their "right" to).

But then again, I don't understand women that stay with a guy that treats them badly too. Heck I told my mom to divorce my dad b/c he would get drunk and beat her; but she never did. When he didn't drink he was very nice.

Or these kinds of threads can explain the 50% divorce rate in the US.

Sad, but there might be a lot of truth there!

Well since people seem to be interested. ... Anyway the somewhat conclusion does lead me to believe there is something going on deep inside that needs to be addressed and I am sure I play a part of the problem.
...
By the way I love my wife I just want us to get past all of this. It helps for me to be able just to get this all off my chest. I know some people will rip me one and some will sympathize. I appreciate everyone input, as I said it is interesting to get other viewpoints. She has her sisters to talk to and I am sure they are fully aware of things by now. I have the DIS.

I don't doubt that you love your wife; and I'm sure you do need to be able to vent (everyone needs to vent). I'm glad that you do see there is something going on with your wife (deep down) and it does need to be addressed. Talking with her might help, but it also may take a professional to help you guys really get to the heart of what is bothering her (and you too). She very well could be depressed.

All marriages take work - both people in the marriage need to work at their relationship in order for it to succeed. Every marriage hits a rough patch (for whatever reason); but the lines of communication must stay open.

My DH & I have been married almost 17 years (been together almost 18 years). We are very much alike. But like a lot of people we've had our ups & downs and each time it was due to a break down in communication.

I think a lot of folks take communication for granted. By no means am I an expert and I would never say I was! Every person is different/every couple is different. What works for one may not work for another (even if it may be the sample problem)! And sometimes couples forgot the real reason they got married (or became a couple) - love.

All I will say OP (and to all couples) is good luck!

 

[SandraVB79]

Flowers eventually die and are not anything to get real worked up about.

I know someone who's husband bought her a big box of chocolates for Valentines Day. Sounds nice but this woman had gastric bypass a few months ago. Sugar makes her sick as a dog. Talk about not thinking!!!

Hope things improve for you OP.

I have made a mistake like that before.

Some ex-BF lost his job while he was still my BF.
One night I said I would take him to the movies, to cheer him up. When he asked me: what good movies are there, I said: Two weeks notice.
It wasn't until he pointed out that that wasn't a movie he wanted to see at that point that I realized what I said. Stupid me of course. Sometimes, we just don't "see" the obvious relations!

Btw, uptil now, I haven't seen the movie

 

[RadioNate]

I just want to reply with my thoughts on this and see what others think. From her point of view I was being lazy and just didnt want to take the vase downstairs. It is difficult for her to believe it was a mistake on my part and that I did not see the vase. In her mind it was perfectly obvious that the vase was there and that the only reason it was at the top while I was at the bottom was because I made a concious choice not to take it down with me. I guess that is one thing I want her to understand. Yes I make mistakes, yes I may make more than most people, but that is what they are mistakes/accidents. I dont get up in the morning thinking Hmmmm, hhow can I upset DW today. If I had made a similar reply as above it would be seen as rude and hurtful to her and that wouldnt a husband who cared for his wife want to take the vase downstairs to save his wife the trouble, thats what a caring husband would do, but I forgot you arent a caring husband.

I think you wife is being a witch with a capital "B". She has dramatically high expectations which will only lead to her own disappointment when they are not met. As for the issue above, why is the same not true for her? If she wanted the vase downstairs, she should have brought it downstairs, don't leave it for you to emphasize the fact that the flowers are gone then get upset with you because you missed her jab?

OMG - serously none of you do this??

For us it is the upstairs. If there is something that needs to be returned to the upstairs I pile it at the bottom of the stairs if I'm not going up at that exact moment. Kids toys, clean laundry, random things that ended up downstairs, toilet paper for the kids bathrooms, etc etc. If I brought it up individually each time there was something I'd make 5000 trips up and down the stairs all day long. As it is I make 3000 trips (you get the point).

For the most part I take it the next time I go up, but it does irritate if DH or DS just ignore the pile and walk up empty handed. Now I don't think that by doing this they don't love me but I do wonder 1)how they could have missed it and 2) why they just couldn't have taken something instead of walking up empty handed. In a lot of cases I do say something and usually it is snarky so maybe I need to look at how that is affecting things.

I can see missing one little vase but I know my DH has been guilty of stepping over a full laundry basket of clean clothes and not taking it up with him. I don't 'get' at all how he simply didn't see it. Now I don't take that as a personal affront (I do however think they are being kinda lazy) but if you couple that with other problems and a whole lot of passive aggression on both parts I can see where there would be issues.

IMO the OPs wife values details. That is what is important to her. And furthermore she wants him to pay attention to HER details. Right or wrong for her the big picture isn't enough.

They both need to make changes or the bitterness and resentment will grow until there is no turning back.

 

[lisaviolet]

My mom got me a cookbook for Christmas. She's gotten me cookbooks for years. I've told her I look up recipes on the internet. I've told her before I have enough cookbooks. But still I get cookbooks.

You know what? I say thank you. I put it with all the other cookbooks and smile to myself. Do I think she has some "motive" in giving me the cookbooks? No. Do I question that she loves me? No. Do I love her any less? No. She likes giving me cookbooks. I love her. And I accept what she gives me.

One day those cookbooks and the memories of her giving them to me will be everything to me.

I've been very sad reading this thread. Your post made me smile and smile. I agree totally.

My father buys my mother boxes, multiple, of chocolate every Christmas. I'm laughing with tears typing this. The woman can leave chocolate sitting and sitting for months and years with no problem. ( Who does that? Am her genetic child? I should really look into that? ). Now I have no idea how my mother feels about this. But my God it makes me laugh. How he can be such a dufus every single year? His presents to her make me howl deep inside as I smile at his glee, yes he has glee in his state of denial , and her "thank you":. One year he bought her a white leather cowboy skirt with a matching hat. She doesn't even like country music. Even this year he says to me, "Hey! Did you see the necklace that I bought your mother? Did you see it? You should go see it up close? Have you seen it?". You know how only a 72 year old man, still deeply in love, can say. I swear it looks like he's 15 when he's giving her gifts.

Does this sadden my mother? Or make her feel like he doesn't know her or love her. Well, I don't know I don't ask. But I seriously doubt it. They've been married 52 years this year. Not perfect. Neither. Nor the relationship. Nothing is. But still in love.

OP. All the best. I'm saddened that she might have thrown out your gift regardless of how she felt about it. I'm saddened that you are both struggling. Honestly. I know you are a stranger but all the best to you both. Difficult all around.

 

[disneyfan2kids]

So, I agree that the wife WAY over-reacted. That being said, I ALSO agree with whoever said something about it would be "different" if OP purposely got something his DW didn't like.

Example:
(Let me preface this with the fact that I am married to the most wonderful man alive )
It's always been a running joke that HE likes chocolate ice cream and I like Vanilla. Neither of us like the other's preference. Well, I was 8 1/2 months pregnant and on bed-rest. I heard the "bells" outside for the ice cream truck. Begged DH to go get me ice cream (pregnancy cravings & hormones raging.) He comes in with chocolate ice cream with chocolate jimmies. I tried to remain calm and said "You know I don't like chocolate ice cream...and now the truck is gone!!" He said "I know but I LOVE chocolate ice cream and I figured we could share the cone." NOT a good answer for a pregnant woman who was craving ice cream!!!

I literally didn't speak to him for about 2 days... over ice cream...ha!

On the other hand, he also knows that I'm not a huge fan of flowers (They're OK...but they die and are expensive). However, he often will make me paper flowers and leave them on my pillow in the morning and I LOVE that. Yesterday - he came home with real flowers. I kissed him, told him thank you and that they were beautiful, and told him he could've saved his money and made 12 paper ones instead. We both laughed.

The point of the story is... sometimes things are thoughtless, and sometimes they're just an oversight. Important to tell the difference...

 

[Mickey'sMainMami]

I have to say that I did not read all 19 pages of this, but I am going back to re-read. All I can say, is if flowers are all your wife has to complain about, come live my life for a day!! My husband has been having medical problems, till the point I am scared that it could be the big "C". My Dad was just diagnosed with diabetes, my 3 year old nephew just had eye surgery on Friday, I can't have kids, lost 5 pregnancies in the last 5 years, we are in a horrible custody battle with DH ex to just have visitation with them over the summers since she lived in FL and we in PA, which is costing us a ton of money that we don't have to begin with. My dryer broke on Wednesday, and on Wednesday after spending $200 dollars already on her, we had to give back the cat we adopted 3 weeks ago because she was peeing all over my house, and now my 2 year old new carpets that were spotless up until this point are now ruined!

Tell your wife to get over it about the flowers, and if it's something more then tell her to spit it out or go to therapy. There is obviously something more going on, I know you love your wife, but seriously, flowers?!?! I am sure this was just the breaking point, but seriously, I don't know how you sat there and listened to it, I would have told her we had a bad connection and hung up then came home with an appointment for marriage counseling. "Here you go honey, this is your real Valentine's gift, Thursday, 7pm Dr. Smith, be there". Then I would have threw the flowers out the front door and went to bed. I can't believe she had the audacity to ask about the examples you are setting for your sons. I guess she is setting an example for them of being treated like dirt by their significant other. I hope it does work out for you, whatever the outcome.

 

[mickeyfan2]

OMG - serously none of you do this??

For us it is the upstairs. If there is something that needs to be returned to the upstairs I pile it at the bottom of the stairs if I'm not going up at that exact moment. Kids toys, clean laundry, random things that ended up downstairs, toilet paper for the kids bathrooms, etc etc. If I brought it up individually each time there was something I'd make 5000 trips up and down the stairs all day long. As it is I make 3000 trips (you get the point).

For the most part I take it the next time I go up, but it does irritate if DH or DS just ignore the pile and walk up empty handed. Now I don't think that by doing this they don't love me but I do wonder 1)how they could have missed it and 2) why they just couldn't have taken something instead of walking up empty handed. In a lot of cases I do say something and usually it is snarky so maybe I need to look at how that is affecting things.

I can see missing one little vase but I know my DH has been guilty of stepping over a full laundry basket of clean clothes and not taking it up with him. I don't 'get' at all how he simply didn't see it. Now I don't take that as a personal affront (I do however think they are being kinda lazy) but if you couple that with other problems and a whole lot of passive aggression on both parts I can see where there would be issues.

IMO the OPs wife values details. That is what is important to her. And furthermore she wants him to pay attention to HER details. Right or wrong for her the big picture isn't enough.

They both need to make changes or the bitterness and resentment will grow until there is no turning back.

We do it all the time. Both the stairs up to the second floor and the stairs to the basement.

We have both been know to leave it there and it has never cause either one of us to get made at the other. If I really want it done then I ask DH to not forget the next time or I will say I can get half can you get the other half. It is all about communication and not sweating the small stuff.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Did the husband make a mistake, yes he fell for the its got to be roses for valentines. Was the wife a hysterical fool, yes. There are too many women who have fallen for the mills and boon hearts and flowers nonsense written by people like Julia Quinn (got brought one of her books for christmas this year, where is a vomiting smilie when you need one) the expectation that they will live happily ever afte with no such hiccups as this is nonsense, remember the woman moaning that she only got fake diamonds and the gift was only worth having with the real thing? How many times over mothers day have women grizzled because they THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILD didn't get the gift they where owed. No wonder the divorce rate is so high with such expectations!

 

[Mkrop]

So, I agree that the wife WAY over-reacted. That being said, I ALSO agree with whoever said something about it would be "different" if OP purposely got something his DW didn't like.

Example:
(Let me preface this with the fact that I am married to the most wonderful man alive )
It's always been a running joke that HE likes chocolate ice cream and I like Vanilla. Neither of us like the other's preference. Well, I was 8 1/2 months pregnant and on bed-rest. I heard the "bells" outside for the ice cream truck. Begged DH to go get me ice cream (pregnancy cravings & hormones raging.) He comes in with chocolate ice cream with chocolate jimmies. I tried to remain calm and said "You know I don't like chocolate ice cream...and now the truck is gone!!" He said "I know but I LOVE chocolate ice cream and I figured we could share the cone." NOT a good answer for a pregnant woman who was craving ice cream!!!

I literally didn't speak to him for about 2 days... over ice cream...ha!

On the other hand, he also knows that I'm not a huge fan of flowers (They're OK...but they die and are expensive). However, he often will make me paper flowers and leave them on my pillow in the morning and I LOVE that. Yesterday - he came home with real flowers. I kissed him, told him thank you and that they were beautiful, and told him he could've saved his money and made 12 paper ones instead. We both laughed.

The point of the story is... sometimes things are thoughtless, and sometimes they're just an oversight. Important to tell the difference...

Ya know no one outside of PA is going to have any clue what jimmies are I made this mistake many times when I order ice cream outside of PA. I too love vanilla with chocolate jimmies!

for anyone who cares, they are sprinkles

 

[disneyfan2kids]

Really?!?!?! Other states don't have jimmies? I had NO idea?!?!

What happens if I tried to order that elsewhere.. would they just stare and blink at me?!?!