No one said that. You are totally missing the point. If you are fullfilled in other areas of your relationship a gift is just a gift and you are grateful for the effort and intention. If you are not, it is soo much more and it is hard to see the effort and the intention through the pain, usually what is seen instead is reinforcement of the negative things one was already feeling. Is that right? No, but it what happens. Notice how many women said, I could never be mad at my dh for that he is so great in so many other areas. That is the difference, they are already fullfilled in the relationship outside of the gift, the gift was just a bonus.
I think people are getting caught up in the fact that it was a material gift and we are trained to accept those with gratitude no matter what the circumstance. What if it was another act of love? Change "gift" to "help around the house." What if all the wife wanted was some help around the house and her dh kept giving her positive affirmation instead. Now there is nothing at all wrong with positive affirmation, it is another act of love and it is a great and wonderful thing to give. But it's not what the wife needs. So wife is telling her dh "I would love some help with the laundry this weekend." Dh responds "you are so great, I am so impressed with all you do around the house, you are an awesome wife and I love you soo much... BUT he sits his butt on the couch all weekend and doesn't help with laundry. Eventually she isn't going to see the good intentions behind his words anymore. The words will ring hollow and she will stop believing them, because she isn't feeling loved. WHY? Because to her love is shown in acts of service... helping around the house. Words are nice but TO HER they don't equal love.
Now when he is helping around the house and her love que is filled she's not going to notice (or if she does she won't mind) when he slips in the acts of services area, and any other area she gets is just a bonus because she is already feeling very fullfilled and loved in the relationship. And when he occassionally gives her positive affirmations instead of helping around the house she will not be upset but will thank him and be truly grateful for them, because she understands that is how HE expresses love. And hopefully whenever he does fill her up by doing those acts of service she returns the favor by giving him what HE needs, the positive affirmation. If this continues both will feel very fullfilled and little things will be just that, little things that will not sidetrack the relationship.
But say he hasn't helped around the house for 10 years. Her love que is pretty near empty. She could care less about his positive words because she doesn't believe them anymore... afterall why would he keep telling her how great she is and leave his damn socks on the floor when he knows she hates that. To her that obviously means he doesn't mean it, he is trying to shut her up. By now, every teeny tiny thing he leaves around the house sends her over the edge, because it is yet another sign that he doesn't love her or understand what she needs. So she nags him unceasingly about the house which makes him feel unloved because he thrives of positive affirmation, and the less love he feels the less likely he is to make the effort around the house doing the acts of service and so the spiral goes on down. Again is it right, no but it IS what happens in a relationship where a partner is unfullfilled. Things get way out of porportion and rather than build up their partner in the area they need, they use it to bring them down to what they are feeling. Its a very unhealthy pattern.
And these types of situations can be true with either partner. Men are just as susceptible to feeling unhappy if they aren't recieving love in their language. If a husband expresses love through physical touch and the wife through acts of service and positive affirmation, well she can tell him how hot he is and how wonderful he is and she can do everything around the house to help him, but if she doesn't throw him down on the bed once in awhile he is going to eventually feel unappreciated and unloved and he WILL come to resent his sparkling clean house and believe his wives words are fake because if they were true than why doesn't she want him physically.
Spouses should attempt to understand the language their spouse speaks, so they can recogonize the true intention with which the spouse is giving the gifts. If a spouse understands that for his/her partner positive affirmation is the highest expression of love they will be more grateful when they recieve it, EVEN if it isn't what equates love to them. But the other spouse should also make the effort to speak in their partners language. If both spouses take the position that because what they are doing is good (and both ARE doing good things), but neither is going to attempt to do the good things the other spouse needs by speaking their language, then NEITHER will feel fullfilled in the relationship. They will both keep making all this effort, but in the wrong areas.
It is amazing how much effort people put in to doing what their spouse doesn't want or need (because it is what they themselves would want or need). Then they feel unappreciated, frustrated, and eventually give up trying to please their spouse because they believe they can't ever make them happy. If they had put even half that effort in listening to what their spouse was telling them they needed all along and doing that, their spouse would feel fullfilled and in turn would want to fullfill them. They would both be satisifed and these tiny things wouldn't seem so large anymore.
I don't have my Marriage and Family License yet, but I am earning my hours and it won't be too long till I do (I am able to do supervised marital counseling now). This is a common pattern, and it is the stupid type of thing that if let go long enough destroys marriages.
I made this mistake many times when I order ice cream outside of PA. I too love vanilla with chocolate jimmies!
I'm surprised because he usually takes the "I really don't know you all that well approach to giving gift with me". 
Just to add we met 24 years ago this month.
Guess I never paid attention to it. I am going to see next time I go visit my bro in VA and order jimmies! 
What does that say about our marriage?
Broomall!
Springfield here!!!!
