I wrecked Valentines Day before breakfast

[Bluesdad]

What if these two do this all the time and like it? You know the wife is the dominating one and the husband submissive. Sooooo, hubby deliberately does something wrong (like he is supposed to) get's the wife upset (like she is supposed to) then he comes home for his punishment (which he likes getting and she likes giving) see my point? I know it's far fetched. Just a thought. I guess I can also say that men and women do speak different languages and hear each other differently. My wife and I read this book called "Love and Respect" and boy was it right! We learned a lot.

 

[Buckalew11]

Just a general speculation, more on our collective reactions than on the OP's situation as I'm fairly sure he's home by this time.

I'd wager that those of us who believe we'd react to the gift (or have reacted to a similar type of gift) with a thank you, a smile, a shrug, or some other version of appreciation/non-issue all feel pretty happy/satisfied in our relationships (past or present, in whatever manifestation, romantic or otherwise). We believe we have good relationships and so the gift-giving doesn't represent the entirety of our relationship. And those of us who sympathize with the wife's reaction or call the OP's behavior into question, especially those posters saying they identify with the couple....well, those of us in these relationships seem to see the gift-giving as part of a larger, more negative pattern of behavior. In short, for the former group the less-than-ideal gift is just a gift. For the latter group, the less-than-ideal gift represents the state of the relationship.

Of course, I'm sure my impressions wouldn't hold for every single post, that there would be exceptions. But it seems fairly obvious to me that our own relationships are coloring the reactions & advice we give the OP. Something to keep in mind.

Excellent post. The first three years of my marriage I was miserable. I think the second scenerio was most of my problem. I had a lot to learn about love and I have come a long way in going from example B to example A. Your example B, IMHO, sets a couple up for a lot of problems that snowball from small things to large problems very quickly.

 

[Buckalew11]

What if these two do this all the time and like it? You know the wife is the dominating one and the husband submissive. Sooooo, hubby deliberately does something wrong (like he is supposed to) get's the wife upset (like she is supposed to) then he comes home for his punishment (which he likes getting and she likes giving) see my point? I know it's far fetched. Just a thought. I guess I can also say that men and women do speak different languages and hear each other differently. My wife and I read this book called "Love and Respect" and boy was it right! We learned a lot.

Hey I saw that episode on Andy Griffith!

 

[Bluesdad]

Of course, I'm sure my impressions wouldn't hold for every single post, that there would be exceptions. But it seems fairly obvious to me that our own relationships are coloring the reactions & advice we give the OP. Something to keep in mind.

Hmmm LOL where does that place me?

 

[Bluesdad]

Hey I saw that episode on Andy Griffith!

YIKES! They had an episode like THAT on Andy Griffith!? It wasn't Aunt B was it?

 

[chobie]

What if these two do this all the time and like it? You know the wife is the dominating one and the husband submissive. Sooooo, hubby deliberately does something wrong (like he is supposed to) get's the wife upset (like she is supposed to) then he comes home for his punishment (which he likes getting and she likes giving) see my point? I know it's far fetched. Just a thought. I guess I can also say that men and women do speak different languages and hear each other differently. My wife and I read this book called "Love and Respect" and boy was it right! We learned a lot.

If what you are saying is that they deserve each other -then I would agree with you.

 

[Tink&SquirtsMom]

I'd wager that those of us who believe we'd react to the gift (or have reacted to a similar type of gift) with a thank you, a smile, a shrug, or some other version of appreciation/non-issue all feel pretty happy/satisfied in our relationships (past or present, in whatever manifestation, romantic or otherwise). We believe we have good relationships and so the gift-giving doesn't represent the entirety of our relationship. And those of us who sympathize with the wife's reaction or call the OP's behavior into question, especially those posters saying they identify with the couple....well, those of us in these relationships seem to see the gift-giving as part of a larger, more negative pattern of behavior. In short, for the former group the less-than-ideal gift is just a gift. For the latter group, the less-than-ideal gift represents the state of the relationship.

I think this is exactly true. Dh and I are in a time of our relationship where a less than perfect gift is just that. A GIFT that is not exactly what I wanted but that I appreciate, can see the great intentions behind and am thankful for. There was a time when we were new parents and really struggling through the transition and it FELT like a lot more... it was just more "proof" of how much we were struggling in relating to each other. The difference between the 2 situations was not the gift, but the state of the relationship.

 

[Disney Doll]

The wife has the right to feel like she wants to feel. Her reaction/behavior was rude.

OP, you were paying attention, you know what her favorite flowers are, you chose not to ge her her favorite flowers, now you are being the martyr with the crazy OCD wife and "I try so hard to be a nice guy but what do I do now nothing I do makes her happy". Nothing you do makes her happy because you know what would make her happy and you didn't do it. I might be pissed too. I wouldn't react like your wife did, but I might be pissed.

So, do yourself and your family a favor. If you're going to get your wife a gift, get her one you know she'll like to avoid the drama. If you get into the whole drama scene with her for some other reason, then cut it short. Tell her she's rude, tell her you'll be willing to discuss the situation when she can discuss it instead of just yapping at you. And yes, I have told my DH to stop yapping at me, in so many words.

And then when it's time to discuss the situation, tell her that if she wants to run around like a kook opening and closing blinds because of where the sun might hit that she can knock herself out but you have no intention of doing it, especially if you are involved with other things like yard work or washing the car. In other words, grow a set, listen to your wife, buy her what she likes, and make sure she knows you will not be catering to her OCD-ness and it is no reflection on how much you love her....it just means you don't have the time or desire to spend the day playing with the freakin' window blinds.

If there are still problems after that, go to a counselor.

But for God's sakes, stop being a martyr.

 

[beckmrk04]

His wife has told him she doesn't like to receive flowers as gifts, and really doesn't like roses. Why buy someone a gift that you know they won't like? I would understand his feelings being hurt if he didn't know this information ahead of time, but he knew she wouldn't want them. What kind of thought and effort went into the purchase - "gee, my wife hates flowers, and roses, so I'll go get her some." My DH hates white chocolate - he certainly wouldn't be thrilled if I bought him some, because it would be a thoughtless gift.

I am only 3 pages in so far, but I have to agree here.

I mean, sometimes it's the thought that counts, but when you KNOW what your wife DOES NOT LIKE, why get it for her?

I must admit, last Mother's Day I was upset because it was my first Mother's Day and I wanted a necklace with my daughter's birthstone. I had talked and talked about it... I sent him emails with pics of what I liked. What did he get me? A ring. Which was LOVELY, and I told him so, but it was not at all what I wanted. I wouldn't get him something I downright KNEW he wouldn't like- where is the thoughtfulness in that? Honestly, I'd rather have nothing than have my DH buy something he knows I don't like anyway. Maybe it's snarky and wrong, but it's honest.

 

[wide awake]

ITA w/ Disney Doll's post. I read about half of this thread...then got bored. I don't care what the deeper issues are...you catch more flies w/ sugar than w/ vinegar...if the DW wants better presents she needs to be sweet about these...though why DH would care is beyond me. I thought I was OCD about house issues...the blind thing was AMAZING...I showed it to my DH...told him to think about it every time he says I am over the top. We all want to be a princess, but in real life it doesn't happen very often...you certainly can't demand it. It only works when it is a lovely surprise.

 

[coles1mom]

Has anyone figured out if this is a real thread or a sear's thread

J

 

[beckmrk04]

Although I also agree (like everyone here) that she overreacted, I can also relate to the wife. I don't like jewelry, I don't like flowers (the allergies and the expense, not that I dislike all flowers), and I don't consider lingerie a gift for ME. DH and I have had problems over the years with him buying me things because he thinks I SHOULD want them. I've told him to stop reading those women's magazines and listen to me when I tell him I don't want those things!

.

Amen!

 

[MoniqueU]

This thread has made me sad and regretful all day. I will freely admit to being much like the OPs wife when we first got married. I had such high expectations about every holiday, birthday event etc. I would never hesitate to point out where my DH went wrong and how he didn't "understand" me and put no thought into anything. I still sometimes get my feelings hurt at the last second gift buying but you know what? I have a great man, he is an awesome father, works his butt off for us and now when he gives me gifts and hits the nail on the head no matter if it is something I have been telling him forever I want or not I am so happy and greatful. But it took almost losing everything I had to get me to that point. I honestly had a ton of growing up to do like pp's have mentioned. I just hope the ops wife wakes up and realizes what she has before she pushes it away.

 

[disykat]

I do think our reactions are based on our own experiences - and what we think the intention of the gift was. Many of you think the OPs intentions were great because he got her a gift and it didn't matter that he admitted he knew she wouldn't like it. Others of us can see how his wife (despite her apparent OVERreaction) might have seen the fact that he obviously knew she wouldn't like it but got it anyway upsetting.

I hate getting gifts in general and my dh is finally on board with that. He still gets me weird gifts sometimes, but they are inexpensive and something he thought I would enjoy. I had to educate him that getting me stuff (like flowers, candles, etc.) that he knows I can't tolerate (allergies) or stuff I don't like to wear (jewelry) simply because that's what his mother, sister, or former girl friends liked really isn't a gift for me. I am not those women. That doesn't mean I was rude, it means I saw no reason for him to spend money on stuff I hated when a simple honest discussion about it would save $$$. We didn't work that out in the first month of our relationship, but I can't see spending years pretending I like something I don't.

I think people who love gifts are more likely to NOT care what they are. They feel loved just getting them. They see the act of gift giving as loving. Those who aren't gift people don't see it that way, but we might see the thought as loving - so inversely an apparent lack of thought is seen as not loving.

As for the OP, I would assume that by now his wife has received his other gifts which WERE things he thought she would enjoy and probably feels like a heel for her upset.

 

[CajunDixie]

I admit I didn't read all the posts...they seem to pretty much repeat. I want to know where all the peeps from the horrible Christmas gifts posts are? How many of us have complained about what our MILs bought us or our crazy Aunt Suzie? The OP knew his wife liked yellow tulips...sounds simple to me order yellow tulips! Who cares what the holiday dictates? Do you buy her a wreath at Christmas and a cornacopia (ok not looking up the spelling for that) for Thanksgiving, a pumpkin for Halloween......

I was a SAHM mom too and it would piss me off to no end when DH would want me to go shop for his mom for Mothers Day but I only got some ugly $10carnations from WalMart. I finally told him to forget buying me crap and he could do his own shopping I was done being treated like his housekeeper. Funny how he always felt lilke he had to spend $$$$ on his mom so as to keep up with his brothers.

And no I'm not so petty as to not be grateful for a gift, I won't though be grateful for something that he knows I despise.

My kids brought home flowers yesterday and I thanked them. I was amazed they thought to think ahead and buy them. Ohhh and I got nothing from DH other than complaints that we didn't go buy him dessert.

 

[Andy B]

I am only 3 pages in so far, but I have to agree here.

I mean, sometimes it's the thought that counts, but when you KNOW what your wife DOES NOT LIKE, why get it for her?

I must admit, last Mother's Day I was upset because it was my first Mother's Day and I wanted a necklace with my daughter's birthstone. I had talked and talked about it... I sent him emails with pics of what I liked. What did he get me? A ring. Which was LOVELY, and I told him so, but it was not at all what I wanted. I wouldn't get him something I downright KNEW he wouldn't like- where is the thoughtfulness in that? Honestly, I'd rather have nothing than have my DH buy something he knows I don't like anyway. Maybe it's snarky and wrong, but it's honest.

And I would think it's rude to say to someone what you want without being asked.

 

[grlpwrd]

Geez, I don't know what to think after reading about the blinds.

Are you supposed to conform to what she wants and comply because of her OCD tendencies or should she just be grateful for what she received and see things your way?

I guess maybe you just can't win.

 

[SandraVB79]

I finally made it through the whole thread, and I must say I am curious as to how the evening ended and the reaction regarding the other gifts!

You and your wife need to lighten up! Life is too short! Its just Valentine's Day! You need humor and laughter!!!
I got tulips from my DH this morning...the note read, "I love you. Hernando"

His name is STEVE.

You've gotta make this woman laugh...not by spoiling her, but do something outrageous... Have a huge ceremony of burning the roses.....dousing them with lighter fluid or stomping on them. Those damn, roses. THrow them in the fireplace. Go get a t-shirt made at the mall that says, "I'm the world's worst husband. I bought my wife roses." You've gotta make her see how silly and ridiculous this whole thing is!

Honey, didn't you know your mailman's name is Hernando? You've got an admiror! (sp?)

 

[beckmrk04]

And I would think it's rude to say to someone what you want without being asked.

Yeah, if I were asking a stranger. But my husband and I are very close- I don't feel one bit rude telling him something I would like to have. It's like making a Christmas list (which we both do).

And he certainly tells me what he wants for holidays, birthdays, etc. I don't mind because I want to get him something he wants. And if I buy him something he isn't crazy about, we take it back and pick out something else! No problems, no attitude. Why? Because it's just a gift. We're responsible for making each other feel special every day of the year, not just on holidays. Maybe that's where the OP's wife is coming from.

 

[Mischa]

Some of the responses have been really funny - IMO.

I think this is a reason why I don't have many women friends. Again - my opinion here - but women can be so...witchy and nasty.