I wrecked Valentines Day before breakfast

[nana2tots]

You tried!!!!!!!

 

[OceanAnnie]

It kind of sounds like a modern day, "Taming of the Shrew".

 

[BoyLovesBuzz]

Warning: Unhelpful post follows:

You didn't wreck anything. You're wife is a whacko

 

[Mkrop]

Let me ask everyone this, would it be different if the OP bought her something else that he knows she doesnt like if it wasnt flowers. I think everyone gets caught up in the flowers are a lovely gift where to some, not so much.And esp on Vday a bouguet of flowers can cost as much as a piece of jewelry or a purse.

Like I will use DH as an example, his mom LOVES flowers, jewelry and designer purses. His WIFE likes flowers (not love) likes minimal jewelry, and really does not get designer purses. Some are nice but I dont need a designer purse, I need a purse I think is nice and functional, if it is designer too then cool but it doesnt have to be. His WIFE likes the gift of time, or a massage, or pedicure.

So for years DH would walk into some store the day of the holiday (or Christmas eve) and buy me one of these things bc it required no thought, he just pointd to the most expensive purse ($300 somtimes ) and call it a day. No thought into what his WIFE would like. Then he would get mad that I wouldnt use the purse or if he thought to put a gift receipt in I would return it. He couldnt understand why I didnt like a purse that had Dooney and Burke spalshed all over it (as I am sure many women reading this thread dont understand me either ) bc he mom would have loved it. She buys them for herself.

To me he was buying me what he was trained to buy not listening or knowing who I am. Has he gotten better, a little, have I learned not to get worked up, sometimes, but I still get frustrated that he has now spent our money on something that will sit in a closet. He may be using his love language or whatever but he certainly hasnt listened to mine. That hurts and it is frustrating bc we dont have that kind of money to blow.

Two Chirstmases ago, I needed a new evening type purse so I told him that and told him have fun. I think he was so relivied. He went and got me D&B black small purse, it is subtle (not screaming D&B) and I love it. But this took a long time to get there.

I also think this all goes back to how we were raised. DH was taught no practical gifts allowed by his mom. My parents didnt "listen" when I made a wish list at Christmas and bought me nothing on my list yet asked me to make one So I think couples also bring their experiences to a relationship and if they are very different then this can cause some bumps in the road.

 

[BoyLovesBuzz]

If I get a gift or a card regardless of what it is, I appreciate the fact that someone thought enough of me to make an effort. If there is something I REALLY want, I buy it myself.

 

[mjkacmom]

This thread has made me sad and regretful all day. I will freely admit to being much like the OPs wife when we first got married. I had such high expectations about every holiday, birthday event etc. I would never hesitate to point out where my DH went wrong and how he didn't "understand" me and put no thought into anything. I still sometimes get my feelings hurt at the last second gift buying but you know what? I have a great man, he is an awesome father, works his butt off for us and now when he gives me gifts and hits the nail on the head no matter if it is something I have been telling him forever I want or not I am so happy and greatful. But it took almost losing everything I had to get me to that point. I honestly had a ton of growing up to do like pp's have mentioned. I just hope the ops wife wakes up and realizes what she has before she pushes it away.

I'm amazed at how many people on this thread don't get it - it's not like he picked out a sweater that she didn't like and complained - that would be rude. He went out and bought her a gift that he KNEW she wouldn't like, that she had told him, in the past, NOT to buy her. I dislike roses, and really don't like fresh flowers. DH and I have been together for almost 20 years. In the beginning, I would thank him nicely. Over the years, I told him that, although I knew he bought me flowers because he loved me, I just wasn't into flowers. If he bought them for me anyway, even after I expressed my feelings, I would find that hurtful. I assume that's how the OP's wife felt.

 

[mjkacmom]

And I would think it's rude to say to someone what you want without being asked.

Are you married? Most (happily) married men LOVE to be told what to get for their wives - BEG to be told!

 

[kellyg403]

I have been reading this thread and wasn't going to post but..Like others early in my marriage I wasn't all for the roses and stuff. DH would get them, we would have the conversation I prefer "plants" so they stay around for awhile etc. He stopped giving roses, heck he stopped giving any kind of flowers and now I miss that "moment" when I knew that he thought about me that day. I am sorry but I think OP's wife is missing the big picture. We can't always do exactly what another person wants. To get all involved in "you don't listen" "you don't understand" seems like the roses were simply a good reason to say whats been on her mind. I guess at my age, having been through a few things I wouldn't want anyone else to go through, I try to never let another person influence how I will feel for the day or how I interact with other people. I think she was passing the buck on how she is really feeling and that sounds like overwhelmed, depressed and unhappy. Yeah, maybe he shouldn't have gotten the roses, I wasn't there for the 100 conversations they had about the roses, but geez she shouldn't have made the roses into a reason to dissect their marriage and lay the blame on the OP.

Kelly

 

[mickeyfan2]

I'm amazed at how many people on this thread don't get it - it's not like he picked out a sweater that she didn't like and complained - that would be rude. He went out and bought her a gift that he KNEW she wouldn't like, that she had told him, in the past, NOT to buy her. I dislike roses, and really don't like fresh flowers. DH and I have been together for almost 20 years. In the beginning, I would thank him nicely. Over the years, I told him that, although I knew he bought me flowers because he loved me, I just wasn't into flowers. If he bought them for me anyway, even after I expressed my feelings, I would find that hurtful. I assume that's how the OP's wife felt.

This is from the OP:

"I got my DW a dozen red roses. Here is my thought process. I know my DW is not a big fan of flowers. She feels it is a waste of money to get a bunch of flowers that will sit around the house for a few day s and then be thrown out. She isn’t opposed to them but just not too much of them. That being said I know that Red roses are not her most favorite, Yellow is her favorite color and Tulips are her favorite flower. So I go to the store yesterday, and spend quite a bit of time trying to decide the over all best course of action. I don’t want to spend too much because then I will get lectured about spending too much and wasting money. So I decided to get a dozen red roses, some baby’s breath, some other leaves, and a vase all separate and spent about $35. I thought it would be a nice gesture to get these separate ingredients and arrange them myself in the vase. Even though I knew she liked yellow tulips the best I thought Hey, its Valentines Day go with the red roses."


The bold in your post is your assumption and not what the OP posted.

Not a big fan is not the same as never buy them for me ever. Red roses are not her favorite but also not the worst thing in the world to her.


Really there is a problem in the OP and the OP's DW's relationship that needs to be discussed at a later date but it is not caused by the color red or roses. The blind thing is beyond weird.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Are you married? Most (happily) married men LOVE to be told what to get for their wives - BEG to be told!

So true! Men aren't psychic nor do they claim to be.

DH and I have been together for several years but this was our first Valentine's Day as a married couple. I told him all I wanted was for him to come home from work and take me and DS out to lunch. I didn't care where - I just wanted some time with DH. He gave me a card and bought the older kids some candy but he never mentioned lunch so I had leftover ziti at home with DS. I have to admit I'm still a bit disappointed that he didn't even mention it or bring a single yellow rose home (like when we were dating) or anything like that. I told him I missed being the girlfriend because the wife gets the short end of the stick.

Honestly I can see OP's wife side of it but yes she probably did over-react a tad. Can't say I haven't done the same thing in the past. Emotions can overwhelm your actions and you can quickly go overboard.

Men - listen to your wives. If they say no flowers - then NO FLOWERS but you better be prepared that if you ASK what your wife wants then be prepared to get that for her instead of whatever you had planned.

 

[kellyg403]

Besides OP also said that his wife would have lectured him on money spent if he went with the more expensive thing she wanted. So it sounds like he was in a catch 22. So what exactly DOES she want? Would pink tulips free from somebody's garden have done the trick and made her happy today? My guess is no, there would have been something.

I agree with others, this just was an excuse to air dirty laundry for her. OP admits communication issues and this might be the first place to start making things better so you can have future Valentine's days.

Kelly

 

[KristiKelly]

Hey I saw that episode on Andy Griffith!

I remember that too. They were so miserable when Andy made them get along.

OP, I must say I give you points for doing the arrangement yourself. I can't imagine what it would look like if my DH did that. I always get a little chuckle out of the Christmas gifts that he wraps. I usually tell him, "I don't care what you get me as long as YOU wrap it."

I remember a V'Day when I worked. I had already told DH that I didn't want him to spend the money on roses. We were expecting our 1st child and watching every penny. On V'day everyone at work was getting roses and then a guy brought in an azalea - yep, it was for me. . I was a little irritated. I took it home and said jokingly sarcastic, "Gee thanks for the potted plant". Dh said something about planting and having it forever. I told him he was a dork, we laughed and that was the end of it. Of course, he's never bought me an azalea for V'day again either. I got the point across without being crazy - well, that time anyway.

It does sound like OPs wife does have a slight touch of OCD to me.

 

[Pugsley]

Some of the responses have been really funny - IMO.

I think this is a reason why I don't have many women friends. Again - my opinion here - but women can be so...witchy and nasty.

So true. Sometimes I’m embarrassed to be one! But the weird part to me is that a lot of men really seem to thrive on being treated like dirt by women. I just don’t get it. Sometimes I read posts (like this one) by men here and I think, holy cow, how can he put up with that and why on earth did he marry her in the first place. But these men must be getting something they need/want out of these relationships.

 

[mickeyfan2]

So true. Sometimes I’m embarrassed to be one! But the weird part to me is that a lot of men really seem to thrive on being treated like dirt by women. I just don’t get it. Sometimes I read posts (like this one) by men here and I think, holy cow, how can he put up with that and why on earth did he marry her in the first place. But these men must be getting something they need/want out of these relationships.

Or these kinds of threads can explain the 50% divorce rate in the US.

 

[mjkacmom]

This is from the OP:

"I got my DW a dozen red roses. Here is my thought process. I know my DW is not a big fan of flowers. She feels it is a waste of money to get a bunch of flowers that will sit around the house for a few day s and then be thrown out. She isn’t opposed to them but just not too much of them. That being said I know that Red roses are not her most favorite, Yellow is her favorite color and Tulips are her favorite flower. So I go to the store yesterday, and spend quite a bit of time trying to decide the over all best course of action. I don’t want to spend too much because then I will get lectured about spending too much and wasting money. So I decided to get a dozen red roses, some baby’s breath, some other leaves, and a vase all separate and spent about $35. I thought it would be a nice gesture to get these separate ingredients and arrange them myself in the vase. Even though I knew she liked yellow tulips the best I thought Hey, its Valentines Day go with the red roses."


The bold in your post is your assumption and not what the OP posted.

Not a big fan is not the same as never buy them for me ever. Red roses are not her favorite but also not the worst thing in the world to her.


Really there is a problem in the OP and the OP's DW's relationship that needs to be discussed at a later date but it is not caused by the color red or roses. The blind thing is beyond weird.

He admits that his wife "is not a big fan of flowers" and yet, that's what he bought. Yes, the blind thing is beyond weird, but he also admits he can't express his feelings about it, because she will blow up. This is a classic flawed relationship, with an overbearing, controlling wife, and a passive/aggressive husband, not able to confront his wife about his feelings, and finding subtle ways to be hurtful, instead of confrontational. And yes, I am a licensed DIS therapist!

 

[Christine]

So true. Sometimes I’m embarrassed to be one! But the weird part to me is that a lot of men really seem to thrive on being treated like dirt by women. I just don’t get it. Sometimes I read posts (like this one) by men here and I think, holy cow, how can he put up with that and why on earth did he marry her in the first place. But these men must be getting something they need/want out of these relationships.

Amen sister!! I, too, have read a number of threads here on the DIS and some of these women seem so high maintenance that it embarrasses me. I never, ever have dated a man or had a relationship with a man who would have taken that kind of behavior from me. So I gotta believe that there are certain traits in that type of man that I must see that turn me off. I guess I would just never date a man who would take that type of treatment.

 

[mickeyfan2]

He admits that his wife "is not a big fan of flowers" and yet, that's what he bought. Yes, the blind thing is beyond weird, but he also admits he can't express his feelings about it, because she will blow up. This is a classic flawed relationship, with an overbearing, controlling wife, and a passive/aggressive husband, not able to confront his wife about his feelings, and finding subtle ways to be hurtful, instead of confrontational. And yes, I am a licensed DIS therapist!

Glad to know who to contact the next time DH and I have a disagreement.

 

[Soulsearching]

Haven't read all the other posts, so forgive me.

Well, I have this issue with my DH also. 23 years of marriage and I swear he is just never going to get it, but it hasn't hurt the marriage. I just take it back and buy what I want, but flowers die.

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, I think that is how it goes.

Sounds to me that you knew she was going to get mad and you did it anyway. You waited to the last moment to buy the gift and you wonder why she is mad.

Back to last night: My Valentines Day, I ordered chinese food, bought a card, had candles on the table, got a few "I Love You" balloons and bought him a very nice Golf Shirt, I heard him say I need some really nice Golf Shirts, so I went out and got him one.

Me, I got red licorice and 5 bars of chocolate and a card, LORDY, I'm on a diet, going to the gym everyday to lose one pound!!!!

But I have learn to understand that he truly felt he did the right thing. He knows I love red licorice and that brand of chocolate. He waited till the last minute and ran to the nearest Walgreens after work, big meeting, stressed out and came in the door to say I love you.

That big dork, just will never get it. But he is my big dork and I will never give him away.

Sounds to me you to have a lot to talk about, sounds to me she is mad about more then just the flowers, sounds to me you are not truly listening.

 

[ilisao]

Ok, I haven't read the entire thread, so I don't know if this has been asked and answered. But, I see people throwing around OCD here. Has the OPs wife actually been diagnosed with OCD? If so, people need to understand that OCD is a real mental disorder that needs treatment. And to call her crazy is not doing anyone a favor.

To the OP, I hope she is getting some sort of treatment for her behaviors. In the meantime, I suggest that when giving gifts, you take her ideas into account, and not yours. Meaning if you know yellow tulips are her favorite, then just buy yellow tulips. Just because roses are the most popular flower to give for that holiday does not mean you HAVE to do it. You do not owe the floral business anything so you do not have to buy into the roses are best notion. Take into account her feelings. LISTEN, and try to understand where she's coming from. Because if she really and truly is OCD and is undiagnosed or untreated, then she can't completely control her actons.

My husband gave me the most wonderful Valentine's gift. He gave me roses (which I do love) and wrote me the most gorgeous letter expressing his love and our relationship. And I will treasure it forever.

 

[lovemygoofy]

So just to clarify being that I've only been married 5 years. If my husband brings home something I don't like, I should tell him that if he really loved me and listened to me he would only get the things I like? Because if he buys me something that shows he loves and appreciates me but not to my liking he really doesn't love or listen to me?