Ever been to your parents' funeral but never met them before?

[princesspumpkin]

DH never knew his father. He knew his name, but never got in touch with him while he was alive. He found out that his father died and is going to the funeral today. He'll meet three sisters and a brother that he never knew he had, as well as his paternal grandmother, aunts, uncles, and a host of nieces and nephews. It's gonna be kinda odd.

Who else has been thru something like this?

 

[coolbeans]

DH's father was in and out of his life as a child (basically long enough to get his mom pregnant with him and his brother then gone again).. when I found out I was pregnant with DS I wanted to find his grandfather (the rest would be up to DH of course, if we would meet) I dug online and found that he had passed literally within a month or two of me looking for him. DH had no emotion about it but I think for him it was closure for that "relationship"

Hugs to your DH.

 

[AristocatFan]

That is going to be a tough one! DH has only seen his dad twice in his whole life so when the time comes, he has no plans to attend the funeral. That side of his family has never acknowledged him, therefore he wouldn't feel comfortable going.

 

[barkley]

i have an in-law who had'nt seen/heard from his dad since he was maybe 4 or 5 (in law is in his 50's) but attended his dad's funeral. he knew his dad was a "ramblin guy" and had started and abandoned several families-what he did'nt know was his dad had named all of his sons the same name. so he goes to the funeral and gets to meet two siblings from two different moms both of whom share his name. when he got back he did a google search and was surprised to find that his rather unique name was shared by a number of men in a number of different states his dad frequented

 

[Bren's Mom]

I hope all those relatives know that your dh is coming! That would be quite a shock at dad's/son's/brother's funeral is they hadn't seen or heard from him in years and he just showed up, and pretty unfair to them imo.

I'm not sure I understand why people who have no relationship for years suddenly decide that want to reconnect at that person's funeral? I've always though, 'why bother' since the person is dead. And if I wanted to reconnect with other relatives I surely wouldn't do it at a funeral.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

Sort of the opposite for me - I'd known my father for a few years, but I didn't even know he'd died until 6 months later, so obviously I didn't go to the funeral. We stopped speaking when I was 14, and the day before my 31st birthday, for some reason I checked the Social Security Death Index online to see if my father's father was still alive. I was totally shocked when my father's information came up (his middle name - my grandfather didn't have one - and his birthdate). I did go visit his grave a year later.

 

[Justanopinion]

My mother who is now 65 was placed for adoption at birth.

On April 5, 2005 she found out the name of her birth mother and gave me permission to look for her. I found her within 24 hours but her mother had never told anyone. A few of her family(like brothers and sisters knew) but most had passed on. But she had never told her husband about my mother.

It took her just over a month to steal a few minutes away from her husband and call me. She told her daughter right away who in turn told her brothers(with permission).

They invited mom and us out for Thanksgiving. We decided to go. Her birth mother did not tell her husband until she was sure that my mother had plane tickets in hand and was coming. Her husband was very supportive of her.

We went out from TX to California that year for Thanksgiving. They were loving and accepting and wonderful.

Mom's new sister said that had she called her after the mother had passed she would have hung up on her, but had she knocked on the door she wouldn't have been able to deny her because my mother looks more like her mother than any other of the kids.

Anyway, less than a year later, her mother passed away. Mom went out and even pitched in her part to pay for the funeral just as all the other kids did.

I am so thankful to this day that I got to meet my grandmother and see her face. I now know where I got my looks.

Mom's biological father on the other hand passed away 20 years ago. She did not get to meet him. He went on to father 9 or 10 kids. We have not contacted them as we don't think it would benefit anyone.

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

I think if it were me I would sit in the audience so as to not bring attention to myself and not really mention that he was my father.

Funerals are for the people who were close to the person who died. If his being there is going to upset others, he might want to just fade into the crowd, taking the opportunity to learn a little about him without imposing.

 

[Lmichele]

I think if it were me I would sit in the audience so as to not bring attention to myself and not really mention that he was my father.

Funerals are for the people who were close to the person who died. If his being there is going to upset others, he might want to just fade into the crowd, taking the opportunity to learn a little about him without imposing.

I have to agree with this. The idea that this is a place to meet family for the first time is not good...IMO. These people are there to grieve and getting another shock like this can only end badly.

 

[Alex&Evan'sMom]

My older brother's dad(we have the same mom, different dads) was only there for the 1st year of his life. My brother tried to reach out to him on several occasions and begged him to visit when he was hospitalized with a deadly staph infection at the age of 13, but to no avail. My brother didn't hear from his birth dad until he(birth dad) was on his deathbed. I guess he wanted to make amends and not have that blot on his conscience. Well, I must say I was very proud of my brother for ignoring the request and going on with his life. His brothers and sisters(whom he'd never met and never known existed) asked him to attend the funeral. Why should my brother have attended? What did he ever do for him? A lot of people will probably say closure but my brother has had a lifetime to dwell on his birth dad. He has a lot of emotional and psychological issues thanks to that man. I know he thinks about him from time to time but he doesn't need any added reminders.

 

[bookgirl]

I hope all those relatives know that your dh is coming! That would be quite a shock at dad's/son's/brother's funeral is they hadn't seen or heard from him in years and he just showed up, and pretty unfair to them imo.

I'm not sure I understand why people who have no relationship for years suddenly decide that want to reconnect at that person's funeral? I've always though, 'why bother' since the person is dead. And if I wanted to reconnect with other relatives I surely wouldn't do it at a funeral.

It's not like he asked to be abandoned, he only ever knew his fathers name, whether it was the fathers fault or the mothers it surely wasn't the childs. If he needs the closure of the funeral then he should go. But to act like he is in some way at fault or being unfair for attending is just wrong imo.

 

[Bren's Mom]

It's not like he asked to be abandoned, he only ever knew his fathers name, whether it was the fathers fault or the mothers it surely wasn't the childs. If he needs the closure of the funeral then he should go. But to act like he is in some way at fault or being unfair for attending is just wrong imo.

Well of course he didn't ask to be abandoned...and my post didn't reflect that I thought it was his fault that he was.

The op indicated that the adult child (her dh) chose not to contact the father. That's fine, his choice. And if he needs the closure and attends the funeral and doesn't say anything to anyone then there's nothing wrong with that imo. However, let's say I was married 30 years and had no idea my dh ever had a child before he met me. And then this adult child shows up and announces to me that he's my dh's long lost child who chose to never contact him in life but now wants to present himself to his dead father's family on the day of the funeral...that's wrong, imo. It is. As adults we make decisions. His dad made a bad one to abandon him. I have no idea if the op's dh's choice not to contact his dad was a bad or good one. But to potentially upset innocent people (dad's brothers and sisters, other relatives) on a very sad day is also a bad decision. Disagree with me if you want, but I stand by that.

And let me be clear that I'm not saying that's what the op's dh is doing. There's likely a whole lot more to the story than we know about. So I'm just saying this in general..in general to attend a funeral and announce yourself to your relatives who didn't know you existed or hadn't seen you in 20/30/40 whatever years is wrong.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Well, I have only met my father a few times, probably less than 5 times and I would hope someone would have the decency to let me know when he dies, not that I would attend, but I just think out of respect to me. He was the one who didn't want to have a relationship with me. I tried to contact him when my mother passed away last year, but got no response, if the info he gave mom was even right.

Suzanne

 

[tngramma]

One Sunday morning the phone rang and a woman asked to speak to DH (called him by name) When DH went to the phone the woman told him her name and asked if he was her grandfather. DH was about 35 at the time and certainly not a grandfather.

To make a long story short my father-in-law had a son living about 30 miles from our hometown. FIL had never told anyone of this child, now a grown man 5 years older than DH.

DH wanted to meet the new brother and niece. The brother said he did not need any of us now. We did meet the niece and finally about 1 year later her Dad decided he would like to DH, his brother. FIl would not have anything to do with the woman or her Dad.

Sad thing is 2 weeks before we were to meet, the new brother was killed in an accident. DH and I attended funeral. I am sure everyone was curious about us but the family was very welcoming.

DH and his brother looked so much alike. Much more than DH and any of his siblings.

 

[Pop Daddy]

he ought to freak everyone out and be a real drama queen, grab the coffin and fall down crying "dad, dad how could I go on with out you"

 

[MK2thcleaner]

I'd love to hear how this all turned out.

I've never met my father. I have met a lot of his family though. When I was 16 I wrote him a letter and begged to meet him. I was at a place in my life where I wanted to identify with my family. I even attended a family reunion with them in another state, but my dad chose not to come. He denied my request and chose not to communicate with me. Years later, when I was in my final few weeks of dental hygiene school and stressed out with boards and finals, he contacts me and begs for me to drop what I'm doing and come see him right then. UMMM, HECK NO! I haven't had any contact with him since.

I don't think I will go to his funeral. He's only really a sperm donor to me, and I'm not bitter about it, I'm just not interested in dealing with it. I have no problem with your DH attending the funeral and getting to know his family. I hope things went well for him!

 

[agnes!]

This is a very intriguing thread. OP, let us know how everything went.

agnes!

 

[princesspumpkin]

Well, it's done. DH attended the funeral and all went well. He didn't say anything to anyone until everyone went back to the church to eat after the burial. He went up to a woman and was talking to her and asked her who she was. She said that she was his dad's brother and asked who he was. He said that he was his son, and that started it all. She introduced him to everyone (dad's wife, daughters, son, sisters and mother). No one seemed to know about him, yet no one was upset about it (maybe they had always had an inkling). They all took pictures and exchanged e-mail addresses. One actually just called to tell him that after he left, they all sat down to talk about it and are planning on having a family reunion, including him.

There are still many questions to be asked. He did tell his mother that he went, and she was also fine with it - he said that she seemed relieved. We don't really know why she didn't foster a relationship between the two. DH would occasionally mention to me that he would like to find his dad before, but never actually did it. This funeral, even though it could have had a really bad outcome for the family, was his best opportunity to fill that void somewhat.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

I am glad to hear that it went so well.

Suzanne

 

[manning]

i have an in-law who had'nt seen/heard from his dad since he was maybe 4 or 5 (in law is in his 50's) but attended his dad's funeral. he knew his dad was a "ramblin guy" and had started and abandoned several families-what he did'nt know was his dad had named all of his sons the same name. so he goes to the funeral and gets to meet two siblings from two different moms both of whom share his name. when he got back he did a google search and was surprised to find that his rather unique name was shared by a number of men in a number of different states his dad frequented

Oh is that going to be a headache, maybe. My BIL's son is the same name as his dad. His dad has a bad credit history. When his son was getting a mortgage he got turned down. There were two different ssn but the records got messed up. Did he have fun straightening it out. I asked why his son had a different first name as his (It was the custom in their family) he told me why.