Does anyone actually do the Ferber method with their babies?

[AllyandJack]

Disagreeing w/ a sleep method & telling a poster that their husband was "neglected" are not comparable. That is very personal & just mean, what I never said anyone was a part time mother, if you want to take exaggerations on peoples statements to prove your point I wonder how strong your argument can be?

I don't think I said YOU made the comment about people not wearing their mommy hat 24/7. I don't remember who made it. But, someone did say that if you used a method like CIO that you made the choice to take off your mommy hat while they kept it on 24/7 and, thus, that other person wasn't a full time mom. And, I happily admitted that I take that hat off. Think what you will about that.

It is similar. In one scenario the baby is neglected. In the other, the spouse is neglected.

I actually don't have any argument. Whatever works, works. I'm just noting that one isn't any more judgmental than the other. Both statements are pretty judgmental and don't offer any insight or advice.

 

[katerkat]

I had 5 children in 6 years - co-sleeping was NOT an option

Ah, see, now if you had co-slept, you might not have had five kids in six years. (Totally, absolutely joking!)

I admit, CIO makes me cringe a little. My real life friends know I'm a bit crunchy and just don't discuss it with me. One friend is going back and forth right now and I have been happy to talk to her about other methods. My sister seems a bit oblivious and continually asks me about CIO and various other parenting things, even though I repeatedly tell her our opinions on parenting are vastly different. She left her daughter with me during naptime and I rocked her to sleep. I don't think she knows that, but if she asks, I would have told her that CIO doesn't happen on my watch.

Russ, to be perfectly honest, isn't the world's greatest sleeper. He does have a good bedtime routine and usually it works, but he still wakes up once or twice a night. He still has a pacifier and blankie at nearly three years old. He has books in his bed so he can "read" himself to sleep. He has three stuffed animals he needs to have. I only stopped rocking him to sleep at two years old. He co-slept until he was 18 months old. Now we're dealing with the transition to a big boy bed, which he falls out of.

But, you know, I have trouble sleeping if I don't get a chance to read a book before bed. Both my parents and my little sister fall asleep watching TV. My sister wakes up often at night and turns the TV back on, which drives me insane because the flickering light comes into my room and wakes me up - I like the dark. And our mom did CIO, and we still have weird sleep preferences.

 

[meandtheguys2]

Now, you see, KK, you have the ability to present your feelings on this matter without talking down to, nor judging others. Novel concept!

It must be all of that time you spent on the DB...

 

[freckles and boo]

Damn straight about cars being death machines!

And with that, I'd like to add my two cents to this discussion.

We are not the same society that we were 300 years ago. We're a culture full of dangers! Driving, using heavy equipment at work, cooking on gas stoves, and many, many other modern day situations that just weren't around until recent years. We're not in a world that makes it safe for adults to be sleep-deprived. I don't want mommies and daddies driving when they are exhausted from lack of sleep. I want parents to live to take care of those babies. And I want them to let me live and not plow into me because they fell asleep at the wheel of their car! Sleeping is a good thing. The more sleep a parent gets at night, the more effective they will be at parenting by day. People are more patient when they are well rested, they are more effective at their jobs, and they have far fewer accidents. They are better parents. So no matter how bad you may think the cry it out method may be, I do believe that it makes society AND the baby safer if mom and dad get their rest. It just annoys the hell out of me when it is implied that parents wanting to sleep is a selfish thing. You cannot deny the health and well-being that comes from sleeping. When people get their sleep, they are more productive and they are better parents. Nothing selfish there!

I am glad I went back to read the rest of the posts before adding my two cents! This is my perspective exactly. I was literally hallucinating during the day because of sleep deprivation with my first daughter. When she was four months old I gradually stopped responding to every cry and within three days she was sleeping through the night. It was the hardest thing I had ever done and I felt like the cruelest mother ever during those nights. However, the quality of our lives improved significantly once she could get to sleep and go back to sleep on her own. We also did this with our younger daughter at around five months of age and I am now very glad I did. Sleep problems are common in children with autism and she is an excellent sleeper. It worked for our family. If others choose a different path, so be it. I do, however, blatantly reject that I am a part-time parent or am uneducated or uninformed. I am an awesome mom.

 

[Camicar]

I used the CIO with my dd when she stopped really wanting to eat when she woke up. So we tried it. In 3 nights she was sleeping thru the night. No big deal. And I hardly think she was scarred for life by it. If she was, then so was I since my mom used the same technique on me. And if that's the worst parenting mistake I've ever made, then I'm doing pretty well.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

That tells me that your husband was/is neglected for 5 years. IMO, there's time to be a parent and also time to be a spouse.

This thread has officially reached ridiculous proportions! I'm SURE her and Dh went without for 5 years just to co-sleep.

 

[4greatboys]

Nope not for us. We never did CIO. I was probably closer to AP

 

[DMickey28]

Not that my post makes a difference. I don't believe in hard core CIO nor do I NOT believe in it. I think my position is because I never had to deal with it.

My DS had trouble napping. We let him fuss. If he is fussing and crying a little bit, we let him go for 15 minutes. If he gets himself worked up and actually crying then we go in. Usually that does not happen. In the middle of the night he might wake up and cry a few times. We let him go and usually after a minute he is back asleep. If he is crying crying then we go in.

I call it the Fuss-It-Out method!

 

[4greatboys]

That tells me that your husband was/is neglected for 5 years. IMO, there's time to be a parent and also time to be a spouse.

Our kids slept with us and and my husband was not neglected. Not everyone has sex strickly at bed time and always in the bed. How boring.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

Well he must have gotten some attention, or there wouldn't be two kids!

The family bed was never for me (although I don't turn away small children who have had nightmares or aren't feeling well), but I certainly don't begrudge other families their choices.

I think it's only an issue when one of the parties involved doesn't want to do it/isn't benefiting from it. If the wife wants to cosleep but the husband doesn't or vice-versa, then it's an issue. If the child is ready for his or her own bed but the parents refuse to let him go - that's an issue.

My brother and his wife had a family bed until their oldest started kindergarten. She asked for her own room and my SIL threw a fit about it and was quite sulky for some time. That's a case, IMO, where it's not to the child's benefit.

While I DO agree with what you're saying, I don't understand why the child's opinion only counts if they want OUT of the bed and not IN it.

And I agree that both parents have to agree- no matter which method is used. I find it interesting that this being labeled is a "mommy" debate. I know there are mostly women on the DIS, but the subject itself is a parenting issue, not just a mommy one.

 

[debster812]

Now, you see, KK, you have the ability to present your feelings on this matter without talking down to, nor judging others. Novel concept!

It must be all of that time you spent on the DB...

ITA with this. I think KK and I are probably complete, 180 degree, polar opposites when it comes to parenting. Guess what, she's got a happy, healthy, 3 year old, and I have a happy (most of the time), healthy 10 year old.

I resepct her opinions and her presentation on all of these 'mommy minefield' questions, and I have learned a thing or two as well.

OP--I really hope you're not this judgemental IRL. I have friends in real life who are much crunchier than me, and we are all just fine, and DON'T judge.

 

[darlak]

I don't think its a Mommy wars issue either, I think its just a totally different way of thinking, some people can take off the "mommy hat" at night, mines on permanently which works great for us!

Disagreeing w/ a sleep method & telling a poster that their husband was "neglected" are not comparable. That is very personal & just mean, what I never said anyone was a part time mother, if you want to take exaggerations on peoples statements to prove your point I wonder how strong your argument can be?

Just for clarity, I believe that you did in fact compare those who use the Ferber or similar methods to mothers who "can take off their "mommy hat" at night". I'm not sure how you could say that was an "exaggeration" made to prove a point.

"Can take off their mommy hat" = less than full-time parent = part-time mommy.

Your statement seemed pretty clear to me. Or maybe it just needs further explanation.

 

[va32h]

While I DO agree with what you're saying, I don't understand why the child's opinion only counts if they want OUT of the bed and not IN it.

And I agree that both parents have to agree- no matter which method is used. I find it interesting that this being labeled is a "mommy" debate. I know there are mostly women on the DIS, but the subject itself is a parenting issue, not just a mommy one.

Well I'd say for two reasons.

First, because at some point children have to learn that they do not run the household. If the toddler or preschooler wants to keep sleeping with mom and dad, and they don't want him to - I can't agree that two adults should defer to the wishes of the small child. Children and parents are not on equal footing in a household. At least they aren't in my household.

Second, because I think that if you, as a parent, do something you really do not want to do to accommodate your child, it will can negatively affect your relationship with your child.

From my personal experience - with my oldest I had a very hard and painful time nursing and I came to hate and dread nursing. I would take one look at my beautiful baby and burst into tears. I didn't want to see her much less feed her. Sure, breast was best, but she was getting it at a terrible cost. I finally came to my senses and realized that my daughter needed a mother who wanted to be with her far more than she needed breastmilk. And I will never apologize or feel guilty for that choice.

 

[lecach]

DS was still waking 4 times a night at 1 year old. We did CIO. He cried 15 minutes the first night, 5 the 2nd, and now is a wonderful sleeper. It worked for us and I am not at all sorry that I did it.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

Well I'd say for two reasons.

First, because at some point children have to learn that they do not run the household. If the toddler or preschooler wants to keep sleeping with mom and dad, and they don't want him to - I can't agree that two adults should defer to the wishes of the small child. Children and parents are not on equal footing in a household. At least they aren't in my household.

Second, because I think that if you, as a parent, do something you really do not want to do to accommodate your child, it will can negatively affect your relationship with your child.

.

Ok, so back to the poster that said the adults were still into cosleeping, and the child was not. Since they are the adults, they should force her to stay in the bed because a-the child does not run the household, and b-it's not something the parents wanted to give up. Or does that only apply to mainstream parenting methods? BTW, playing devils advocate here- I would never force the child to stay in the bed.

 

[sha_lyn]

I have a feeling that the video is the most that the OP knows about CIO/Ferber. Like I said earlier I read Ferber, then spoke with my ped, who was against it. However I believe the video doesn't portray/reflect the Ferber method well, and/or is so chopped up that it leaves a bad/worse impression.
IE the Dr in the video said that some kids cry for 1 1/2 hrs every night,
The parents in the video talk about the baby being in pain because of teething etc.

 

[4greatboys]

Ok, so back to the poster that said the adults were still into cosleeping, and the child was not. Since they are the adults, they should force her to stay in the bed because a-the child does not run the household, and b-it's not something the parents wanted to give up. Or does that only apply to mainstream parenting methods? BTW, playing devils advocate here- I would never force the child to stay in the bed.

I agree. Thats just crazy that a parent would make the kid do it when the kid was ready for their own bed/bedroom.

 

[chobie]

Damn straight about cars being death machines!

And with that, I'd like to add my two cents to this discussion.

We are not the same society that we were 300 years ago. We're a culture full of dangers! Driving, using heavy equipment at work, cooking on gas stoves, and many, many other modern day situations that just weren't around until recent years. We're not in a world that makes it safe for adults to be sleep-deprived. I don't want mommies and daddies driving when they are exhausted from lack of sleep. I want parents to live to take care of those babies. And I want them to let me live and not plow into me because they fell asleep at the wheel of their car! Sleeping is a good thing. The more sleep a parent gets at night, the more effective they will be at parenting by day. People are more patient when they are well rested, they are more effective at their jobs, and they have far fewer accidents. They are better parents. So no matter how bad you may think the cry it out method may be, I do believe that it makes society AND the baby safer if mom and dad get their rest. It just annoys the hell out of me when it is implied that parents wanting to sleep is a selfish thing. You cannot deny the health and well-being that comes from sleeping. When people get their sleep, they are more productive and they are better parents. Nothing selfish there!

For many of us, co-sleeping and not crying it out was what lead to us having restful nights and not being sleep deprived.

My babies slept next to me and as soon as they started to wake, I nursed them for a few minutes and they went back to sleep. My DH never woke up and I was barely up and only for a few minutes at a time.

I agree with you that rested parents make society safer, but CIO is not the only means of having rested parents.

 

[Dakota_Lynn]

I am glad I went back to read the rest of the posts before adding my two cents! This is my perspective exactly. I was literally hallucinating during the day because of sleep deprivation with my first daughter. When she was four months old I gradually stopped responding to every cry and within three days she was sleeping through the night. It was the hardest thing I had ever done and I felt like the cruelest mother ever during those nights. However, the quality of our lives improved significantly once she could get to sleep and go back to sleep on her own. We also did this with our younger daughter at around five months of age and I am now very glad I did. Sleep problems are common in children with autism and she is an excellent sleeper. It worked for our family. If others choose a different path, so be it. I do, however, blatantly reject that I am a part-time parent or am uneducated or uninformed. I am an awesome mom.

Of course you're an awesome mom! I'm sure we all are. There is more than one way to achieve a desired outcome and there is no one way that is right or wrong for everybody.

I know that for me, I am a nicer person when I've had sleep. I don't even pretend to that it is otherwise. When I'm very sleepy, my temper is short, I have no patience, I'm over-emotional, and I find that I can't focus or concentrate on anything. Of course, I'm also very sick (autoimmune disease) and sleep makes me feel better. But studies have shown that all people function better when they are well rested. When I was in college I took developmental psychology and I recall reading a story about shaken-baby syndrome and that it happens more often when the parents are severely sleep deprived. Nobody will convince me that people are not nicer when they get that eight hours of sleep. And I'm positive that the baby benefits from having parents who are refreshed and able to take on a new day with all the benefits that a good night's sleep can give. I believe that IF (and I mean an emphasis on the "if") the baby benefits in some small way by having a parent coddle it every time it whimpers, the benefit of having a parent who is well rested and less likely to have accidents and more likely to handle the day with love and patience is going to drastically outweigh the small benefit of at-whim coddling.

 

[Dakota_Lynn]

For many of us, co-sleeping and not crying it out was what lead to us having restful nights and not being sleep deprived.

My babies slept next to me and as soon as they started to wake, I nursed them for a few minutes and they went back to sleep. My DH never woke up and I was barely up and only for a few minutes at a time.

I agree with you that rested parents make society safer, but CIO is not the only means of having rested parents.

I could not agree more! I'm sure that co-sleeping, depending on the disposition of the baby and parent, can be a wonderful way to help ensure that both mother and child get more sleep! It wouldn't have worked with me and my daughter because I'm the type who has a hard time staying on a single sleep pattern (profound insomnia) and I would have kept her awake by being moving around too much. And I also would have been paranoid about rolling over on her, though that is rare, it would have kept me from sleeping. But for people who can do it, it is a wonderful way to make things work. But it simply can't work for everybody.

That's my whole point, nobody here is wrong. Every single person on this message board loves their children and does whatever it is necessary to make their family function according to their own needs. Most of us seem to realize that, but a few just cannot understand that those who have used CIO are not monsters. Me, I didn't have to use CIO. My kid slept through the night at eleven days. I was one of the REALLY bad ones who gave her a small amount of cereal via her bottle. She LOVED that and slept like a rock for nine hours a night...and 16½ years later, she still sleeps nine hours a night! And for those who may tell me the health dangers, not to worry, in all her childhood, she has only had three colds and is healthy as a kid could possibly be!