Does anyone actually do the Ferber method with their babies?

[chobie]

Of course you're an awesome mom! I'm sure we all are. There is more than one way to achieve a desired outcome and there is no one way that is right or wrong for everybody.

I know that for me, I am a nicer person when I've had sleep. I don't even pretend to that it is otherwise. When I'm very sleepy, my temper is short, I have no patience, I'm over-emotional, and I find that I can't focus or concentrate on anything. Of course, I'm also very sick (autoimmune disease) and sleep makes me feel better. But studies have shown that all people function better when they are well rested. When I was in college I took developmental psychology and I recall reading a story about shaken-baby syndrome and that it happens more often when the parents are severely sleep deprived. Nobody will convince me that people are not nicer when they get that eight hours of sleep. And I'm positive that the baby benefits from having parents who are refreshed and able to take on a new day with all the benefits that a good night's sleep can give. I believe that IF (and I mean an emphasis on the "if") the baby benefits in some small way by having a parent coddle it every time it whimpers, the benefit of having a parent who is well rested and less likely to have accidents and more likely to handle the day with love and patience is going to drastically outweigh the small benefit of at-whim coddling.

Edited: Already been answered.

However "at-whim coddling" sounds a bit condescending. JMHO

 

[Dakota_Lynn]

Edited: Already been answered.

However "at-whim coddling" sounds a bit condescending. JMHO

I really don't mean it to be, though I could see how it could come off that way. I apologize.

 

[chobie]

I really don't mean it to be, though I could see how it could come off that way. I apologize.

No problem and to be fair the OP's "cold, dark room" comments were really condescending.

I hate these mommy wars. I really, really do.

 

[Dakota_Lynn]

No problem and to be fair the OP's "cold, dark room" comments were really condescending.

I hate these mommy wars. I really, really do.

I hate 'em too. I hate them because I really, truly believe that the vast majority of mothers are good ones. Motherhood is such a tough thing and I wish women would stand together and support each other instead of tearing each other down. I don't agree with everybody's parenting styles and I know they don't agree with mine. Normally I try to be supportive of people regardless of what they do, but threads like this get me on the defensive.

Really, things like CIO, co-sleeping, circumcision, breast feeding vs bottle feeding, vaccinations...these are all personal decisions. Nobody is wrong for doing what they do. I've met mothers who abandon their kids so they can go out with a new man each night, mothers who are so drunk/stoned that they don't even remember they have children, and mother's who are so busy with work and their social life that their older kids literally raise the younger ones. Problems like CIO and breast feeding are SMALL. It just amazes me all the anger and accusations and judgments being passed on people who love their kids and are wonderful caring mothers. So much anger over such small things. There are much bigger problems than the stuff people fight about here on the DIS!

 

[Sandy321]

No problem and to be fair the OP's "cold, dark room" comments were really condescending.

I hate these mommy wars. I really, really do.

Thank you for saying it, I couldnt agree more - I have 3 kids (married 26 years) 22, 19, and 11 - - and I'll never forget watching T Barry Brazelton (is that his name???) Way before "Ferber" but basically the same thing, babies need to get "autonomy" (WHAT??? lol) and so I'll never forget 21 years ago when DH and I decided to "try it" and ds screamed...and dh and I sat in the living room watching the clock... we literally fell asleep sitting up... ds fell asleep in his room!! Yet Dr Brazelton also said you could not spoil your child, during the day, when baby cried, pick him up... yet teach him the sleeping rituals...

 

[KariC]

I can't believe I've read this whole thread! And that I did so while nursing my son to sleep (and now having additional cuddle time )!

The biggest thing I discovered here was that chobie and I feel the same on this topic.... seems like on other threads we haven't.

FWIW-CIO doesn't work here. I get headaches and my sons don't stop. Ever. At one point, feeling "guilty" as a new mom of twins that couldn't just put them down and walk away while they put themselves to sleep, I tried it. DS that is now 5 cried for 8 hours sraight, stopping only to nurse. Twin sis only cried until the next feeding.

Now that I truly know who I am as a mom. i feel no need to try it again. I am fully confident that this child will be an awesome little sleeper like his sibs. Again, FWIW, they go to bed at 8p, go to sleep, we wake them up at 7a for school. The 8p bedtime has been there for most of their little lives. And they were sleeping 6-8 hours straight by 6 months (which is actually considered sleeping thru by some).

Anyway...cio is not something I could do....but i don;t hold it against anyone if the do it. I do hold it against them if they tell me how I've screwed up my kids w/my choices tho.

 

[mumzie2three]

For many of us, co-sleeping and not crying it out was what lead to us having restful nights and not being sleep deprived.

My babies slept next to me and as soon as they started to wake, I nursed them for a few minutes and they went back to sleep. My DH never woke up and I was barely up and only for a few minutes at a time.

I agree with you that rested parents make society safer, but CIO is not the only means of having rested parents.

Totally agree. With my 1st two DDs they were sleeping through the night by 6-8 weeks. DD#3 was a different story. CIO didn't work. (She was a 30 min cryer with puking.) So we co-slept and finally I felt like a human. That continued until I stopped nursing and today she's usually the first one to fall asleep at night.

 

[grlpwrd]

No, I don't do the Ferber method or any derivative of it.

I am proud to say I am a proponent of Attachment Parenting. What has worked for centuries is good enough for me.

 

[Cool-Beans]

I always went to my babies when they woke during the night. I'd pick them up and hold them, change their diapers, rock them, maybe give them a bottle. I don't remember them crying when they'd go back to sleep. Maybe they did. It's been a long time.

But there were many times that I'd put them down for a nap (or to bed) and they'd cry a while before falling asleep. Went down tired and sad, woke up rested and happy.

I never had any reason for what I did, I just did it. I also never really cared what other people thought I should do. I just took care of my babies and let other people take care of theirs.

 

[weregoingtodw]

Question for Beth76: was this comment sincere or tongue-in-cheek?

And I don't think I will look back one day and think "hmmm, I really wish I had spent more time rocking my kids to sleep."

 

[TinkerbellMama]

Does anyone actual do this to their babies? It would physically make me sick if I left my baby in a cold dark room by himself and let him cry.
The parents in this video say something about not wanting him to get addicted to all that affection. That is horrible! Of course a baby is going to want to be held and cuddled!
What do others think about this video?
http://www.babycenter.com/2_baby-sleep-the-ferber-method_1487482.bc

I hate this book. Even Ferber himself has "clarified" his comments, after much backlash. I wish I could afford to buy all the copies in the world and burn them. Gee, ya think I'm against it??? Just a wee smidge???

BTW, my son, who was never even in a crib, much less left to CIO, has NEVER, EVER (not one night) kept me up at night. I've had a full night's sleep every single night since coming home from the hospital with him. (Well, not counting the times I got up at the butt crack of dawn to leave for a Disney trip!) Seems that Attachment Parenting actually made everyone in our family happy. Go figure.

 

[3jsmommy]

Just for clarity, I believe that you did in fact compare those who use the Ferber or similar methods to mothers who "can take off their "mommy hat" at night". I'm not sure how you could say that was an "exaggeration" made to prove a point.

"Can take off their mommy hat" = less than full-time parent = part-time mommy.

Your statement seemed pretty clear to me. Or maybe it just needs further explanation.

I NEVER said anyone was a part time mother, & the "mommy hat" comment was one I heard a poster on a previous thread use when explaining why she should use CIO & not have to wake at night. (which I already explained once) & posters here have agreed that they themselves do not want to wear the mommy hat at night (while being offended at the phrase ) because they do not wish to be up at night w/ their kids. Dr Sears refers to it as "nighttime parenting" I am sorry if it offends anyone, why is ok for proponents of CIO to use this phrase but offensive when I do?
I subscribed to this thread because IRL I have a couple of friends who always feel the need to push CIO to me & although I do not label myself as AP (maybe because I am about as crunchy as a ripe banana) I do practice more AP style of parenting.
I do not agree w/ CIO because I think babies (especially very young ones) do not have the ability to differentiate daytime comfort & nighttime comfort, I think they should have it both ways. Do they understand why they are being ignored just because of the hour?
My CIO friends are the best moms all day long they take care of their child's every need, comforting them always, & then at night they have let them scream at lengths. I don't know if they would do this if not for the books they read. I think that their motherly instinct they have during the day would take over.
IRL I can not tell them this because I'm afraid of the response that we have seen here, I am not being judgmental, just honest about how I feel about it. It will never be seen that way by the pro CIO bunch though.
I am not as offended when people question AP style of parenting so why risk a big blow up w/ them? I just keep telling them I will never do it, I don't know why each "team" feels the need to recruit so much IRL?!

 

[mjkacmom]

I hate this book. Even Ferber himself has "clarified" his comments, after much backlash. I wish I could afford to buy all the copies in the world and burn them. Gee, ya think I'm against it??? Just a wee smidge???

BTW, my son, who was never even in a crib, much less left to CIO, has NEVER, EVER (not one night) kept me up at night. I've had a full night's sleep every single night since coming home from the hospital with him. (Well, not counting the times I got up at the butt crack of dawn to leave for a Disney trip!) Seems that Attachment Parenting actually made everyone in our family happy. Go figure.

My gf gave me his book when I was pregnant with #1, and it turned out to be the best gift ever! Never had to use it with #1, but it came in very handy with #2 and #4 (#3 and #5 didn't need it). I think the hospital should send it home with every new parent!

 

[eeyoremum]

That tells me that your husband was/is neglected for 5 years. IMO, there's time to be a parent and also time to be a spouse.

The point of my post was to share more my experience of being hasseled about cosleeping. Just like some people are hasseled about CIO. Whatever works for a family I am all for.

BTW...my husband was not neglected, if you read the full post I had complications at birth with both children. My kids are five years appart because of medical issues.

 

[eeyoremum]

Our kids slept with us and and my husband was not neglected. Not everyone has sex strickly at bed time and always in the bed. How boring.

I agree. Every family is different. I guess I was pretty unsuccessful of pointing that out in the story of my experience with cosleeping. Guess I shouldn't say that the dog has now replaced the kids in our bed

 

[Acklander]

My gf gave me his book when I was pregnant with #1, and it turned out to be the best gift ever! Never had to use it with #1, but it came in very handy with #2 and #4 (#3 and #5 didn't need it). I think the hospital should send it home with every new parent!

And I thought the hospital should send every new parent home with a copy of Dr. Sears book. (at least that's the book I give as a gift to everyone I know when they're pregnant with their first baby)

 

[ckay87]

Well.

I was a spectator on this thread, but I was thinking about this last night. I always rocked my babies to sleep and I just loved it. It was a purely selfish thing to do. Raising a baby, like it or not, is just one big chore after another. Rocking them to sleep at night was the only time in any given day where I just sat and quietly enjoyed my baby. It was the only time I watched tv at all during the '90s I'm actually serious about that! But boy did I love doing that.

As they grew into toddlerhood, they still wanted me close by as they fell asleep. So I spent this time each night reading quietly in a corner of their room with a dim light on. It was the only time in any given day that I did any reading at all.

But soon nature worked things out and now they don't want me around at all!

As with ANYTHING regarding parenting....do what works for the kid and for you.

 

[disneygals]

Seems that Attachment Parenting actually made everyone in our family happy. Go figure.

Well, I'd also just consider you lucky. My 2nd dd slept with me from birth and she would wake up at 3, 3:30, 4, 4:30, 5, 5:30 6, 6:30, etc. When she was older, we put her in her bed, but she'd end up in our bed until she was 5.

As for crying it out, we tried it with our first and it did work, but any time there was an illness or change in her life, she started waking again. So we gave that up and went to any sleep configuration that worked.

I think sleep patterns depend on the child. My 3rd dd has always been the best sleeper and still needs the most sleep. If all my kids were like her, I'd consider myself the BEST mother.

 

[Camicar]

Not everyone has sex strickly at bed time and always in the bed. How boring.

Well, I’m not interested in rug burn, my walls all have a stipple finish and my table is covered with papers, so unless I invest in a sling, I’ll keep my boring bed, thanks. And my dd can stay in hers where she belongs bec IMO some boundaries are good things.

And to be really frank, given that a man does not have control over his body’s reaction to a dream or the natural rise of morning.... I’d rather not have my dd up against my dh in bed.

 

[wvjules]

The point of my post was to share more my experience of being hasseled about cosleeping. Just like some people are hasseled about CIO. Whatever works for a family I am all for.

BTW...my husband was not neglected, if you read the full post I had complications at birth with both children. My kids are five years appart because of medical issues.

I mis-read your post then, I apologize. I thought your point was that you co-slept and didn't get "personal" time until your older child was 5 and in school and then along comes #2. Sorry.


Carry on with the CIO debate....

I think most parents do a modified version of CIO. DD was on a heart/breathing monitor so other than being hungry or soiled, if anything seroius was wrong the alarm would sound. That was great peace of mind. Now when she was taken off of the monitor, that was a whole different ball game. My security blanket was gone. But she slept through the night most nights anyway so it wasn't much of an issue.