Do you think we over indulge our kids?

[HaleyB]

So I think perhaps the issue is not indulgance. There have been over-indulged children as long as I can remember, another name for them has often been spoiled brats. Spoiling a child can be done with or with our a massive amount of things. A fictional example might be Nellie Olsen from the Little House Series.

Are there more spoiled children now then in the past? Maybe. I think it is 'easier' and a product of lazy selfish parents. So maybe todays kids are a result of the selfishness of the "me" generation that came before it. The winner takes his due, situational ethics, and open greed of the 70's and 80's. But as I said before, it really is not new and not something that deeply concerns me.

What does concern me about kids today is how blindly materialistic they are. There seem to be no other values, no other terms by wich young people make judgements. If the old god was money the new god is conspicuous consumption. I have always thought that there was something wrong with a society that pays its Entertainers vastly more than its Doctors. We, as a whole, and not just the youth of today, are so smitten with the circus, the show, escapism, materialism, consumerism.

Ethics seem to be a thing of the past. If I hear the term 'good for me' as an excuse to act in a way that is clearly immoral one more time I might scream. Yet that is the message we get over and over again. We are being assulted with it constantly. "Just do it" "Because it feels good" and more people seem to be concerned with what they can get away with or legally do than what is right and good.

I am writing this after a night of no sleep, so it may not be clear. Sorry for the rant.

 

[Darth Cupcake]

Stuff does not make a spoiled child -- attitude is not necessarily developed because of how many things one has.

I totally agree. Our kids do have lots of things and opportunities. However, we teach them that things are simply just things and that the true value of any person's life has absolutely nothing to do with how much they own. We teach them that owning nice things brings minimal temporary happiness.

I think many parents today have a sense of entitlement and live their lives teaching their kids to watch out for themselves. Their whole world view is centered on themselves. They teach their kids that "if you don't look out for yourself, no one else will." They tell them that they have the right to act anyway they feel. This is sad because kids are growing up with a selfish and narrow view of life. So narrow that it leaves out any possibility of real happiness. The selfless acts of those directly involved in 9/11 brought me, and many others, tears of hope and joy. In the midst of such anguish and fear were people who gave their all, sometimes their lives.


Do we have nice things? Yes. But this what we teach our kids, "To Whom Much Is Given, Much Shall Be Required."

 

[DisneyPhD]

So I think perhaps the issue is not indulgance. There have been over-indulged children as long as I can remember, another name for them has often been spoiled brats. Spoiling a child can be done with or with our a massive amount of things. A fictional example might be Nellie Olsen from the Little House Series.

Are there more spoiled children now then in the past? Maybe. I think it is 'easier' and a product of lazy selfish parents. So maybe todays kids are a result of the selfishness of the "me" generation that came before it. The winner takes his due, situational ethics, and open greed of the 70's and 80's. But as I said before, it really is not new and not something that deeply concerns me.

What does concern me about kids today is how blindly materialistic they are. There seem to be no other values, no other terms by wich young people make judgements. If the old god was money the new god is conspicuous consumption. I have always thought that there was something wrong with a society that pays its Entertainers vastly more than its Doctors. We, as a whole, and not just the youth of today, are so smitten with the circus, the show, escapism, materialism, consumerism.

Ethics seem to be a thing of the past. If I hear the term 'good for me' as an excuse to act in a way that is clearly immoral one more time I might scream. Yet that is the message we get over and over again. We are being assulted with it constantly. "Just do it" "Because it feels good" and more people seem to be concerned with what they can get away with or legally do than what is right and good.

I am writing this after a night of no sleep, so it may not be clear. Sorry for the rant.

I think your post makes sense. I agree. I also think that parents who "have everything" can raise their children to have good morals, values and not be spoiled, but it takes a lot of work (for all parents, not just the very rich ones.)

Funny about the Nellie thing, you are right this happens through the generations, but I think is occurring more recently if we as parents don't work to contract it. My grandmothers name was Nellie and I always hated it because of Little House on the Paire.

Now get some sleep!

 

[Mishetta]

My cousin & I were discussing this topic the other day. Both of us were raised with nothing. Well, we both had a home (so I guess we did have 'something') and we had a lot of love but there was no money for toys. My Dad died when I was 8 y/o & that year my Mom told me that there was no Santa (since she couldn't afford to buy me anything wasteful ~ like toys). So every year for Christmas, I'd get a new pair of PJ's & underwear & socks. If I ever got toys, they were hand me downs from neighbors but I really don't remember anything but a Tiny Tears doll (anyone remember those?) No birthday parties either since it cost money to have people over for cake & coffee.

I still had fun, played outside & when one of the neighbors had a used bike for sale, my Mom did get it for me. Wow....that was when life began for me! I was 10 when I got that bike & I still remember it like it was yesterday!

My cousin had nothing because her Dad was an abusive drinker. He would squander all his money on booze & his drinking buddies before bringing it home. When my Aunt asked "where's the money to buy food?", he'd beat her up because she questioned him. My cousin basically was brought up living in abuse shelters.

With all that background being said, our kids are being raised as if they are Donald Trump's children (in comparison ~ not in reality.) Our kids get annual (if not more) vacations, they go to private school, & my children both have TV's & phones in their rooms but they don't use the phone (yet) & on a rare occassion will they watch TV in their rooms. They'd rather watch TV with us in the familyroom. When they are grounded, we unplug the cable so all they get is "snow" on each channel. Neither my cousin's children nor my children have what the neighborhood kids have because:

1.) We can't afford it
2.) We don't need to keep up with the "Jones" (so to speak)

They have more toys than both my cousin & I ever saw in our lifetimes (& my DH for that matter too since he was almost as poor as us). My cousin's kids appreciate the value of a dollar & mine does too but only when he has to spend HIS money!

Now don't feel too sorry for me & my cousin because altho we never got real vacations like our kids do....we did go to Paris every couple of years. That's where our our Mom's had all their sibblings. There were 5 of them there, so they would send my Mom & my Aunt money to send for us since it was cheaper for us to travel there, then for them to travel here. Unfortunately, as a kid, I didn't appreciate Versailles or The Louvre but I do have memories of visiting those historically wonderful places.

I do think that children are being raised more indulgent now because not only are the parents 'able too" (especially if it's a double income family ~ ours is not) but also because it makes a statement for the parents. That's my personal opinion. "Look what I can give my children" type of attitude. I don't care since I'm not impressed by it. We will always spend money on their education but toys.....not that important.

Paris Hilton is a typical example of wasted space on earth. She has been fed with the silver spoon all her life & is a nothing to society. I'd be so embarrassed if I were her parents. Okay...I'm sure there are Paris fans out there so feel free to flame......

 

[budbeerlady]

I grew up the oldest of 3 kids, mom stayed home and dad worked hard to put all 3 of us through christian school. Things were tight, I wore garage sale clothes that were nice but not newly picked out by me in the store. Our family vacations were spent in a tent. It was very tight for our family.

So maybe that is part of the reason DD has alot of things. She doesnt get everything she wants, but she is over indulged. (When she starts asking for things I remind her of Veruca (sp.) Salt on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. That pretty much puts an end to it now.) But some of her indulgences have made my life easier. Her gameboy has been a life saver on our daily commutes to school. I drive her 35min to school. And it is nice that she has her own tv and Dvd player, she can watch movies in her room when I want to watch the nightly news.

But we make sure she knows the value of giving and charity. She is well aware that she has it better than most kids in our area. We dont have a huge fancy house but our area is on the lower income side in the country.

We didnt get a color tv untill I was 10 and cable didnt come to our house untill long after all the other homes had it. But I dont think satellite tv or a personal DVD player will make a bad kid. Bad parenting make Bad children. I have seen lots of mouthy bratz who have nothing, kids are products (to a point) of thier parents.

 

[Disney Doll]

Yes.

And the notion of childhood has been extended to the college years as well, so this indulgence continues well into the "child's" early twenties.

It's not just that children are given so much, but also that so little is expected of them.

We can always argue, "to each his own" and I certainly am not going to tell another adult how to raise their child.

But since my opinion was asked for, I'll give it. I think we will soon see (and are already seeing) a generation of selfish and compassionless adults, who have no comprehension of the needs and concerns of others because they only seek to gratify themselves. Who have mounting credit-card debt because they expect to always get whatever material item they want, and have never had to work or save for anything. Who will act without regard for any consequences, because they've never had to face any.

One of the hardest lessons to teach a child is to accept that they will not always get what they want. Too many kids never have to learn that lesson from mom and dad, and go out into the world expecting everyone else to indulge them just like their parents did.

I'm sure we've all met someone like that.

I will agree with you 100% since you said it so omuch better than I ever could have!!!!!

 

[gina2000]

Being indulged materially and acting like a spoiled brat are two entirely different problems. We indulge our child. He gets everything he wants. But he is a kind, compassionate, ethic person who puts others first. He's been raised to appreciate what he has and also to share what he has with friends and friends. Owning alot doesn't make one act like a selfish, self-indulged spoiled brat. Being allowed to do what one wants at the expense of others does.

 

[va32h]

How can someone truly appreciate what they have, if they don't know how it feels not to have it?

It's not just about material things - a child can not have a roomful of toys and still be obnoxious and selfish.

I cannot afford to indulge my children's material wishes, but I will admit that one of the biggest mistakes I've made as a mother is indulging my son's behavior. He is a picky eater today, because I indulged his food whims as a toddler. He whines about doing anything for himself, because I indulged him by never expecting him to dress himself or clean up his room, or take responsibility for his actions.

I don't know why I did this with him - when I never did it with my daughters - but I know it was a mistake, and I am working like heck to correct it. It's an uphill battle - he is used to 24 hour service, and I don't necessarily blame him for being outraged at the sudden change in the way things have always been. But I can't let him grow up like this.

Spoiled, indulged little kids grow up into selfish, inconsiderate adults. I don't want send another adult like that out into the universe.

 

[cindrelly31]

I have a sister 20 years younger than me. She gets a lot more than I had growing up - and most of that is the fault of my DH & me. We think we gave her too much at some point becuz now she thinks we can "loan" her the money so she can get what she wants now and pay us back over the course of a month. We have changed the rules about a year ago and now she throws a tantrum when she doesn't get her way.

On top of it we just adopted a baby and now DSister thinks we are going to be "softer" on her. Her thing now is she needs a new cell phone that takes pictures. And she needs her own plan so she quits going over her minutes. We told her when she gets a new job and can pay us 3 months up front (since the bill will be in our name) she can get the phone. Of course now we are just being unreasonable since we are really parents.

Our goal is to not make the same mistake with our darling daughter. We have learned a lot helping raise my sister. Of course I know I can't stop her dear Aunt DisnsyPhD from spoiling her or our other friends and family. I guess that will make our job easier to say "no" when we need to.

And my nieces aren't "spoiled", they just have more than we did when we were younger. But if mom & dad couldn't afford it, they wouldn't have it. They have much (as mom admits ) but don't act spoiled. I might think going to Disney every year is a lot, but we go to Cedar Point every year and people don't understand it either. (We enjoy the roller coasters more.)

 

[VSL]

Ethics seem to be a thing of the past. If I hear the term 'good for me' as an excuse to act in a way that is clearly immoral one more time I might scream. Yet that is the message we get over and over again. We are being assulted with it constantly. "Just do it" "Because it feels good" and more people seem to be concerned with what they can get away with or legally do than what is right and good.

[emphasis mine]

I thought Nike were just trying to encourage us to take up athletics and buy their products!


I agree with this especially:

But since my opinion was asked for, I'll give it. I think we will soon see (and are already seeing) a generation of selfish and compassionless adults, who have no comprehension of the needs and concerns of others because they only seek to gratify themselves. Who have mounting credit-card debt because they expect to always get whatever material item they want, and have never had to work or save for anything. Who will act without regard for any consequences, because they've never had to face any.

One of the hardest lessons to teach a child is to accept that they will not always get what they want. Too many kids never have to learn that lesson from mom and dad, and go out into the world expecting everyone else to indulge them just like their parents did.

Well said.

 

[barbeml]

Yes.

And the notion of childhood has been extended to the college years as well, so this indulgence continues well into the "child's" early twenties.

It's not just that children are given so much, but also that so little is expected of them.

We can always argue, "to each his own" and I certainly am not going to tell another adult how to raise their child.

But since my opinion was asked for, I'll give it. I think we will soon see (and are already seeing) a generation of selfish and compassionless adults, who have no comprehension of the needs and concerns of others because they only seek to gratify themselves. Who have mounting credit-card debt because they expect to always get whatever material item they want, and have never had to work or save for anything. Who will act without regard for any consequences, because they've never had to face any.

One of the hardest lessons to teach a child is to accept that they will not always get what they want. Too many kids never have to learn that lesson from mom and dad, and go out into the world expecting everyone else to indulge them just like their parents did.

I'm sure we've all met someone like that.

Could not have said it better.

What is particularly sad to me is seeing friends and family members who are going deeper into debt to keep their children in the latest "things." My Mother always spoke with us honestly (in an age-appropriate way) about the family budget. Toys and gifts were for Christmas and birthdays, but these days it seems every trip to a store warrants a gift, and birthday parties have wedding-sized budgets.

To paraphrase, I know quite a few young people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

 

[DisneyPhD]

And my nieces aren't "spoiled", they just have more than we did when we were younger. But if mom & dad couldn't afford it, they wouldn't have it. They have much (as mom admits ) but don't act spoiled. I might think going to Disney every year is a lot, but we go to Cedar Point every year and people don't understand it either. (We enjoy the roller coasters more.)

Hi!!!!!!! Getting any sleep? (Cindrelly31 has a 2 week old baby!) I am a very proud aunt, and yes I get to spoil her some, but her Aunt Cindrelly is really the only family member besides me that spoils my kids.

Actually we both know that Little PhD can act a little spoiled (not so much about things as acting shy though) and we are working on that. As va32h knows it isn't any easy road but worth it because I agree I am not going to "send another adult like that into the universe" either. The thing is normally at home not in front of people she is not that way at all. (uncooperative, refused to help ect..)

Remember Cindyrella you can't spoil a baby, but they do grow up fast.



gina2000, I understand what you are saying but I don't think "Being indulged materially and acting like a spoiled brat are two entirely different problems." I think they are related, but not necessarily the same thing if that makes sense. I believe that delayed gratification and earning things we want are very important for children to learn and hope to help my children with that.

 

[missypie]

I will say (in the defense of those of us whose kids have a lot of "stuff"), that electronics are so much less expensive than they used to be. When I went away to college, I used my graduation gift money to buy an AM/FM radio with a cassette tape player. It cost $125 - in 1976 dollars! You can now buy a CD/radio boom box for what - $20? in 2006 dollars.

 

[Daxx]

The trend of very indulgent names for babies.

Want to clarify this?

Having a name like Mercedes, Diamond, Emerald, Jewel or Tiffany does not mean that they will be indulged as children. I had a few students w/"indulgent" names (ie: Mercedes Lexus, Diamond) and they come from low-income families. I think this might be the closest their families come to having a Mercedes or diamond.

Is it so wrong to name a child an "indulgent" name? Maybe choosing a name like Mercedes or Diamond or Tiffany shows the child that they are valued and are quality, even if their family doesn't have enough money to buy quality or valuable merchandise. I am not saying the child is merchandise -- what I'm saying is that if the family feels a diamond is the finest, the most valuable thing in the world ... then that's how they feel about their child, whom they named Diamond, too. That their child, Diamond, is the most valuable, precious thing in the world. And, you know what? She is! They might not be able to indulge her as her name might suggest ... but she knows that she is loved and named after something valuable, luxurious and sought after.

Does this mean she's going to grow up to be a spoiled brat? I doubt it!

 

[DaisyD]

I like to overindulge my kids sometimes. I was when I was little and it didn't hurt me. Our kids always had tvs, vcrs, dvd players, video game systems, computers, stereos and phones in their rooms. They also got cell phones. When they turned 16 they got a car too. Do they expect this stuff? No. Do they throw a fit if they don't get something they do ask for? No. They always did well in school, going to college in their senior years at high school and working on weekend. They are very good kids and I feel lucky to splurge on them as I see fit.

 

[NMAmy]

The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers. Socrates

I always love this quote--I remember my mom talking about how spoiled we were as kids because she grew up during the Depression. We were not a wealthy family and my sister and I did without a lot of things that other kids had. I wore my cousin's prom dress and graduation dress and didn't have a problem at all with that.

My dd has a lot of stuff now but until she was around 12 or so, we really struggled for money. When I was married, my ex always spent more than we brought in and after the divorce--well, dd and I were just plain poor. She was always so understanding that other kids had more than she did and so goodnatured about it that now that I can afford it, I do buy her stuff.

The good news is that with her upbringing, she knows the value of money. She hunts for bargains when clothes shopping and doesn't ask for expensive items. She's a good kid and I'm a pretty lucky mom. It almost makes me glad that we went through the hard times because I know she'll be ok as an adult--able to make good decisions and save money.

 

[Wish Upon A Star]

I don't know how to answer the question, because my kids have everything that I had when I was growing up . . .well, I didn't have a cell phone, or computer, but I had a t.v. in my room, color at that, 19 inch, . . .I also had Atari which was pretty cool too . . .I had a phone in my room, but not one without a cord, and I also had a car when I turned 16, a 67 mustang, which my dad had fixed up for me and who paid my insurance until I got married . . .I had a part time job working at Bradlees and only had to give my parent's $20/week for room and board, which later I received back in a savings account when I got married.

I don't think that is over-indulging at all . . .but that's just my opinion.

I'm glad my kids have "stuff" I don't feel they are spoiled by having it . . .

 

[VSL]

Oh definitely - the 'children don't respect their elders' thing has been around for a looong time

 

[DisneyPhD]

Want to clarify this?

Having a name like Mercedes, Diamond, Emerald, Jewel or Tiffany does not mean that they will be indulged as children. I had a few students w/"indulgent" names (ie: Mercedes Lexus, Diamond) and they come from low-income families. I think this might be the closest their families come to having a Mercedes or diamond.

Is it so wrong to name a child an "indulgent" name? Maybe choosing a name like Mercedes or Diamond or Tiffany shows the child that they are valued and are quality, even if their family doesn't have enough money to buy quality or valuable merchandise. I am not saying the child is merchandise -- what I'm saying is that if the family feels a diamond is the finest, the most valuable thing in the world ... then that's how they feel about their child, whom they named Diamond, too. That their child, Diamond, is the most valuable, precious thing in the world. And, you know what? She is! They might not be able to indulge her as her name might suggest ... but she knows that she is loved and named after something valuable, luxurious and sought after.

Does this mean she's going to grow up to be a spoiled brat? I doubt it!

Did you read post number 19? That was my clarification of it. Do you mean you want more of a clarification? It isn't that long of thread ........yet.

 

[golfgal]

I don't know how to answer the question, because my kids have everything that I had when I was growing up . . .well, I didn't have a cell phone, or computer, but I had a t.v. in my room, color at that, 19 inch, . . .I also had Atari which was pretty cool too . . .I had a phone in my room, but not one without a cord, and I also had a car when I turned 16, a 67 mustang, which my dad had fixed up for me and who paid my insurance until I got married . . .I had a part time job working at Bradlees and only had to give my parent's $20/week for room and board, which later I received back in a savings account when I got married.

I don't think that is over-indulging at all . . .but that's just my opinion.

I'm glad my kids have "stuff" I don't feel they are spoiled by having it . . .

The difference between then and now however is that many people, including a LOT of people on this board, would consider it almost child abuse that you had to pay room and board. Having things isn't over indulging and I would be money that your TV, Atari, etc were gifts for Christmas, birthday or a hand me down when the family got something new. They weren't given to you because you just wanted one. That is the difference.

As for the cost of things these days, I remember when my dad brought home a prototype of a pocket calculator that they were working on at 3M. It was going to cost the public over $200 and all it did was add, subtract, multiply, divide and percents. You can get one that does that for a dollar now.