Do you think we over indulge our kids?

[golfgal]

You could be describing my family too. I agree about the one on one time. The other thing I am working on is teaching them to appreciate what they have and to work for what they want. (not instant gratification.) Family time is the most important also. (one of reasons I love WDW, we have such a times family time together.)

It is actually one reasons I don't want to move to a more affluent area around us. I think getting a used car for your 16 to 18 year old (who also helped work and save for it and is taught how to maintain it him or herself) is very different then getting a 16 year old a $20,000 car on their 16th birthday. (happens often in some of the towns close to us.)

Heck, in South Dakota kids are getting brand new cars at 14 because they can drive at 14 in South Dakota. The student parking lot at the MIDDLE SCHOOLS has nicer cars then the teachers parking lot.

I had a Dodge Dart in high school and I was one of a few friends that had their "own" car. It was a 3rd car that my parents got from my Grandparents when they got a new car. It worked and that was all I needed.

 

[BeckyEsq]

I think what is even worse than over-idulging children with THINGS is overindulging them in such a manner that they begin to believe the world revolves around them. By that I mean the household and the entire family's schedule revolves around teh child's wants and desires. For example, mom doesn't have any time for herself, completely gives up her hobbies, exercise, etc. in order to run her kids around to 7,000 activities, be the homeroom mom, etc. Mom and dad never have any alone time together, b/c every spare moment is spent with the kids.

 

[DisneyPhD]

Heck, in South Dakota kids are getting brand new cars at 14 because they can drive at 14 in South Dakota. The student parking lot at the MIDDLE SCHOOLS has nicer cars then the teachers parking lot.

I had a Dodge Dart in high school and I was one of a few friends that had their "own" car. It was a 3rd car that my parents got from my Grandparents when they got a new car. It worked and that was all I needed.

That is just scary. I had no idea you could drive at 14 in SD. They keep talking about pushing it older here in MI. When I was a teen I was able to drive my mothers old omni. It wasn't my car, it was hers but it was a privilege for me to use it. Now my parents where very sick of driving me around and I was in a lot of activities so I was able to use it most of the time if I was good (and I was a good kid for the most part.) It was a pretty lame car, but I loved the freedom of it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with both sides here!

Boy, Socrates and his railing against 'kids today' was certainly a LONG time before any of these 'things' ever existed!!!

We do live in a different society and culture. Things change. What once was luxury is now commonplace, and is needed and expected to function successfully.

But, on the other hand, I think that everything is relative. Everything follows in stages. While I think it is wonderful for kids to have some nice things, and the opportunities that they bring, I think that the overt and constant over-indulgence DOES contribute to being selfish and spoiled.

When we are over-indulging our children in things that they cannot even fully grasp and understand, and we are actually pushing OUR expectations on them... Therein lies a problem.

 

[Robinrs]

I over love, over protect, over involve, over explain and over spend time with my child...

If that's what is meant by over indulge I guess so...

As a single parent I am EVERYTHING to my son and he appreciates whatever he receives. I raised him like my parents raised me, if it's broken we don't replace it so take care of it, we don't have to have everything your friends have and don't care to care about it, and we totally appreciate what we DO have.

Old school here.

 

[Kitka]

Heck, in South Dakota kids are getting brand new cars at 14 because they can drive at 14 in South Dakota.

Okay, I would have a HUGE problem with that. I know this is a bit off tangent, but I'm a proponent of raising the driving age to 18 - 14?!?!? No way.

Even if the age remains 16 in my state, I won't let my kids drive until 18.

 

[mainewmn]

My kids get excellent grades in school. They volunteer and now my older one works part time to pay for his new computer. They both have computers in their room, both have cell phones both have I pods, take 2 vacations a year and a fair selection of clothing, but I do not think they are overindulged. Basically what I ask of them is to do their best in school, be responsible and good citizens and DH and I will worry about the rest. Both of them do all of that therefore I’m happy to provide them with everything they have. What I’m trying to say is I can and in my eyes my kids deserve it therefore I oblige them.

 

[VSL]

Heck, in South Dakota kids are getting brand new cars at 14 because they can drive at 14 in South Dakota.

Okay, I would have a HUGE problem with that. I know this is a bit off tangent, but I'm a proponent of raising the driving age to 18 - 14?!?!? No way.

Even if the age remains 16 in my state, I won't let my kids drive until 18.

I agree with you about the 14yr old thing, but why not let your kids drive when they reach 16? I don't understand.

 

[Bob Slydell]

I think what is even worse than over-idulging children with THINGS is overindulging them in such a manner that they begin to believe the world revolves around them. By that I mean the household and the entire family's schedule revolves around teh child's wants and desires. For example, mom doesn't have any time for herself, completely gives up her hobbies, exercise, etc. in order to run her kids around to 7,000 activities, be the homeroom mom, etc. Mom and dad never have any alone time together, b/c every spare moment is spent with the kids.

Doesn't sound any different from what my parents did when I was a kid -- this is not a new thing. I remember my mom spending hours and days at baseball games, basketball games, hot and sweaty swim meets, many of which would be half the day.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

Forget the trophy wife- these days we have trophy children! I really feel that some parents are like this. If your children have everything, than that must mean you do really well, right? Noone can see enormous credit card bills and the fact that you've refinanced your house twice to pay off debt....

Seriously, I've give up trying to keep up with the Jones! If my dd wants to replace her perfectly decent bike because it's all scratched up and rusty from leaving it out in the rain, then she has to spend her own money to do so (this just happened recently!). They play with their old PS because the stores still sell games for it and it works perfectly fine. We buy clothes twice a year - summer and winter. If she wants the Roxy sweatshirt that costs $20 more than the more affordable one I wanted to get her, then she's paying the difference. This might sound mean, but I want her to know the value of things! I don't do this all of the time, but when money is tight I have to. Now she does have a cell phone, but she walks to and from school and is involved in afterschool activities, so I can justify it. It's never used for chit chat with her friends. I have a girlfriend whose dd's are 13 and 15. They only wear designer clothes, carry designer purses, and she'll only buy them expensive makeup. Her 4 year old son wears $50 Tony Hawk shoes and designer clothing as well. He has PS2 and Game Cube, plus a zillion games and every toy he asks for. She complains about how she never has any money, and her kids walk all over her. She's created monsters and it's really sad. Sometimes I feel a bit jealous when we get together and here are my kids in their $14 Target shoes and $10 jeans, but I also feel relieved that I'm not drowning in debt! Some people think our kids are spoiled because we have Disneyland AP's and we take a DCL cruise every other year. If we spent all our extra money buying our kids everything they wanted, we wouldn't be able to do any of those things.

 

[va32h]

I think people are getting hung up on the "material possessions" aspect and getting caught up in defending whatever items their children have.

It's not just about lots of toys or a TV in their room.

There's a great book "Spoiling Childhood;How Parents Give Their Kids Too Much, But Not What They Need" by Deborah Ehrensaft. I've recommended it before on this board, I'm sure, because I really think it's a great book.

It talks about the irony of a generation of parents that are simultaneously called the most indulgent and the most neglectful.

How children are supposed to be mature enough to handle their parents marital problems but can't be expected to unload the dishwasher because they are just kids.

How every generation of parents is tempted to decide that whatever is "best" for the child at any given time is actually whatever is most convenient for the parents.

It's a very thought-provoking and compassionate book. The author is a phsychologist and a mother, and very willing to write about her own fears and failings as a parent.

Another excellent book is "Parents Who Think Too Much", the author's name escapes me at the moment. But also an excellent book on this subject.

 

[jgmklmhem]

I agree with you about the 14yr old thing, but why not let your kids drive when they reach 16? I don't understand.

My thoughts as well. I would rather have my kids drive for a few years with me in the near vicinity and in familiar surroundings than go off to college with only a few months worth of experience driving.

 

[jgmklmhem]

I think people are getting hung up on the "material possessions" aspect and getting caught up in defending whatever items their children have.

It's not just about lots of toys or a TV in their room.

There's a great book "Spoiling Childhood;How Parents Give Their Kids Too Much, But Not What They Need" by Deborah Ehrensaft. I've recommended it before on this board, I'm sure, because I really think it's a great book.

It talks about the irony of a generation of parents that are simultaneously called the most indulgent and the most neglectful.

How children are supposed to be mature enough to handle their parents marital problems but can't be expected to unload the dishwasher because they are just kids.

How every generation of parents is tempted to decide that whatever is "best" for the child at any given time is actually whatever is most convenient for the parents.

It's a very thought-provoking and compassionate book. The author is a phsychologist and a mother, and very willing to write about her own fears and failings as a parent.

Another excellent book is "Parents Who Think Too Much", the author's name escapes me at the moment. But also an excellent book on this subject.

A class we are doing at Church goes in to the 5 love languages of children (granted it is from a christian perspective) but the theory is you have to figure out your child's love language and try and focus on that (not to the exclusion of the others but just make sure the top one is covered). the five are: physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, and quality time. Personally mine were physical touch and quality time. Now if you child's love language for bettter or worse is gifts then things could be important but if it is one of the others and you are only giving things then the child can be stunted emotionally.

 

[taekwondo mom]

I' m GUILTY

DD 13 .. SPOILED!!!!!
Master bedroom , walkin closet ( need to be bigger) Plasma tv, surround sound, High def. cable ( hooked to her tv only)
cell phone , laptop, xbox360, ( several other systems & games) ..Ok I will stop..

 

[momm2four]

What worries me about giving a child every available "luxury" is that they expect to continue that way of life when they grow up.

Imagine you're 16, growing up in a home where you have your own entertainment system (TV/DVD/stereo), complete with every known cable channel, in your room as well as your own phone line. Your closet is full of ONLY designer labels, your desk contains a top of the line computer with full cable access and your $400 purse holds your 60GB video IPOD loaded with songs that your parents paid for you to download.

Your brand new car sits in the driveway, and after gassing up with Daddy's card, you head to the movies or the mall to shop with money that your parents gave you. You call your friends on your camera phone, which, once again, your parents foot the bill for.

Now...imagine you've lived this type lifestyle your entire life and continue to do so until it's time to live out on your own. You've become so accustomed to having the latest and the best, but who will now pay for it? Your first job won't pay for a cell phone bill, cable bill, an inflated car payment, eating out, movies, groceries, utilities...not to mention you will now have to buy clothing from ...GASP....regular department stores.

How can you maintain your lifestyle with a less-than-enough paycheck? Oh, the convenience of CREDIT CARDS!!! Pretty soon, you have another thing that "Everyone Else" has.....a mountain of DEBT!!!

Lori P

 

[DisneyPhD]

I' m GUILTY

DD 13 .. SPOILED!!!!!
Master bedroom , walkin closet ( need to be bigger) Plasma tv, surround sound, High def. cable ( hooked to her tv only)
cell phone , laptop, xbox360, ( several other systems & games) ..Ok I will stop..

Can I ask why? Why the master bedroom for a 13 year old child? Why not keep that for the parent?

momm2four, those are very good points.

One thing that kids often don't understand is the things the parents can afford are a result of education (often but not always) skill and hard work.

 

[Cindyluwho]

My child does have many possessions, the real question is does she appreciate them? In 2004 I traveled to Belarus, part of the former soviet union that was contaminated when Chernobyl blew up 20 years ago. The children there have nothing, I mean nothing! They don't have boots to wear to school so when it hits 10 below they can't go to school. There is not enough food, even if you do happen to have some money, which no one does, there is no food to buy. The stores are small, one room buildings with 2 of everything if you're lucky. Two loaves of bread, two eggs, two bananas; as I said, if you're lucky. They have to grow or forage for almost everything they eat. But everything they grow or forage for is contaminated with radiation. My daughter knows this, our host child from Belarus who stays with us every summer has told her and I've shown her pictures and shown her. I believe my DD "gets it" and appreciates what she has. She is also very generous & volunteers her time and $$ to the Chernobyl Kids. I think that's pretty good for a 12 year old. So, no, I don't think she's spoiled.

 

[Aidensmom]

As far as things like computers and DVD players in thier rooms, or having cellphones....well, we didn't have these things because, well, we didn't HAVE these things at all yet, at least not when I was a kid.

My son has a TV/DVD combo in his room, he rarely watches it, usually only uses it to watch a movie on weekends while he is falling asleep. He has to have permission to use it. About the only other time we give permission is when he wants to watch something, like a movie (and he does have a limited amount of time he can watch TV/movies) and DH and I want to watch something else. Sure, we could just tell him we are using the TV, but I really don't see why it is bad to allow him to watch something of his choosing. So who is that really overindulging, my son, or DH and I?

DH and I also each have our own computers. I use my computer constantly, whether it be for emailing, message boards, connecting to work, looking up the weather, getting a recipe, reading the news.....and DH uses his just as much. When Aiden gets in school, he is going to need a computer to use. So....I am alread in the process of building him one to put in his room, so that we don't have to fight over computer use. Again, is that overindulging him, or is it for the convenience of the parents?

I guess my point is, I think kids have a lot of that stuff now because they CAN, when it just wasn't available when we were kids. And I think a lot of times they have their own things for the convenience of the parents as much as the child. I really don't see that as spoiling or overindulging. And I bet if my mom was able to give me a cell phone when I was a teen so she could keep track of me, I'd have had one in a heartbeat.

Overindulgence, I believe, is more of "giving in" to a kid all the time, letting them be in charge, teaching them they can do no wrong...I think you can be very "indulged" materially, and not be a spoiled child.

 

[tiggerlover]

I don't have time to read this entire thread, but found the first page interesting. I have an opinion and will share it at a later date, just wanted to be able to find the thread later.

 

[Planogirl]

My son has a lot and I wouldn't have it any other way. He has plenty of possessions but he also gets lots of time and discipline and love. We watch stuff on TV together and we play on the Playstation together a lot and that is precious time to me. We also do things apart because we each have our own tastes and everyone should have time to themselves IMO.

Anyway, even rich kids who have tons of material possessions don't have to be spoiled. It's all in what you place importance on IMO.