Destination Wedding - how much is too much? *UPDATE page 11*

[aprilgail2]

Uh, 3 weddings? I think that might be a tad overdoing it. Weddings are about celebrating a marriage. Without the marriage there would be no party. I get why some people want the party ( or well three I guess) but the point of the wedding is the marriage not the party.

A TAD???? ROFLMAO--you think?? Three parties for one wedding is a TAD overdoing it but three weddings along with the three parties is WAY overdoing it LOL

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

To me, weddings are about celebrating your marriage with your loved ones. What's the point of a wedding celebration without the impt ppl in your life there with u?

Exactly. The whole "wedding is about US" is so sad and terrible, IMHO.

 

[Scrappy_Tink]

I would never, ever, expect people to shell out thousands of dollars just to attend my wedding. I'd politely decline and give him and his wife a nice gift.

Me and DH got married in the little gazebo at Shades of Green (WDW military resort across from the Poly). We thought of inviting a few family members, but didn't want them to feel an obligation to spend their hard-earned money to attend something of our choosing, far away. So we just went and brought our two sons and had an intimate family wedding (at sunrise), went to the Grand Floridian for breakfast & custom wedding cake, and hit the parks!!

 

[Turn the Page]

Exactly. The whole "wedding is about US" is so sad and terrible, IMHO.

This attitude is what I find so sad and terrible. When I got married I wanted to elope because I didn't want to deal with everything planning wedding entailed. I just wanted to grab a dress and get married because in my opinion, a marriage is about the two people getting married and with attitudes like these the wedding ends up being about EVERYONE else. Shortly after getting engaged I asked my MIL how she felt about people eloping and she said it was selfish because other people might want to come. Silly me, I thought the bride and groom were the most important people at the wedding.

I ended up getting roped into planning a church wedding that I didn't want. I had to fight with my mother and my MIL over every little thing. My mother hung up on me four times over the cake alone. I had to brow beat my MIL for months to get her guest list so I could send out invitations and when she finally got it to me, two weeks before the RSVP date, she complained because guests were getting them the day after the RSVP date.

A week before the ceremony, so everything is all planned, my MIL decides she wants my fiance to walk her down the aisle so I had to rearrange the processional at the last minute.

I was told I wasn't allowed to have any alcohol at the reception, that the in laws did not pay for by the way, because their friends didn't drink and if they knew there would be alcohol there they may not come as they would be uncomfortable in that situation.

The day of the wedding my mother threw a fit over my brothers tie and hung up on me two times a week after the wedding over the pictures.

Nine years later and the clearest memory of my wedding day is dealing with everyone else's BS.

So yes, if I ever get married again I will elope. Because it isn't about everyone else, it's about the people getting married.

 

[Disney Doll]

People can choose to have whatever type of wedding they wish.

It doesn't make them selfish...it makes them them, different from you (the Universal you).

That being said, people who choose a destination wedding also cannot be offended by those who cannot come for whatever reason. Just like people who get married in their own home town can't be offended if someone cannot come to their wedding for some reason.

The parents of people who choose a destination wedding can also not be offended by people who cannot come for whatever reason.

As a PP said, it's and invitation, not a summons.

Here's what I would do OP...if it falls within your "affordability factor", then go.

I would NOT be taking money out of retirement though...that takes it outside the "affordability factor" as far as I am concerned.

The "afforability factor" also must take into consideration the other things you and your immediate family want to do in terms of travel/vacation.

So if spending $3K on this wedding means you can't go to the week long beach vacation that the 4 of you look forward to every single year, then I wouldn't be going to the wedding.

The response to the relative who could give you grief about not going is "Sorry it's not an expense we can take on right now." You don't owe an explanation of what other expenses you have, what else you are going to choose to spend your money on and so forth.

There will be attempts at manipulation..."Don't you love Johnny?", "Don't you think Mexico would be a great vacation spot?", "What if your kids decide to have a destination wedding someday how will you fel if I don't go" etc.

Lather, rinse, repeat every time the subject arises. Same sentence, don't deviat..."Sorry it's not an exepense we can take on right now"...don't get sucked into a discussion about it unless the discussion with the annoying relative is regarding the annoying relative offering to pay your way....then by all means....discuss!

 

[Scrappy_Tink]

Our niece got married close to there (I think). That's where the couple is currently living. Unfortunately, both families are on the east coast. DH went solo. I would've preferred almost anywhere else!

Why not Minot, the reason is it's freezing!

 

[Scrappy_Tink]

This attitude is what I find so sad and terrible. When I got married I wanted to elope because I didn't want to deal with everything planning wedding entailed. I just wanted to grab a dress and get married because in my opinion, a marriage is about the two people getting married and with attitudes like these the wedding ends up being about EVERYONE else. Shortly after getting engaged I asked my MIL how she felt about people eloping and she said it was selfish because other people might want to come. Silly me, I thought the bride and groom were the most important people at the wedding.

I ended up getting roped into planning a church wedding that I didn't want. I had to fight with my mother and my MIL over every little thing. My mother hung up on me four times over the cake alone. I had to brow beat my MIL for months to get her guest list so I could send out invitations and when she finally got it to me, two weeks before the RSVP date, she complained because guests were getting them the day after the RSVP date.

A week before the ceremony, so everything is all planned, my MIL decides she wants my fiance to walk her down the aisle so I had to rearrange the processional at the last minute.

I was told I wasn't allowed to have any alcohol at the reception, that the in laws did not pay for by the way, because their friends didn't drink and if they knew there would be alcohol there they may not come as they would be uncomfortable in that situation.

The day of the wedding my mother threw a fit over my brothers tie and hung up on me two times a week after the wedding over the pictures.

Nine years later and the clearest memory of my wedding day is dealing with everyone else's BS.

So yes, if I ever get married again I will elope. Because it isn't about everyone else, it's about the people getting married.

Yup...your scenario is exactly what I had envisioned. My mom is very demanding for attention, then I'm thinking, if we invite, her, then we have to invite others, and it would turn into a big old nightmare!! We had the best wedding ever...DH, me, One son the "flower girl"

, one son the groomsman. Kid's stayed for three days in a separate room, then we sent them on their way and let the Disneymoon continue!

 

[FlyingDumbo]

Exactly. The whole "wedding is about US" is so sad and terrible, IMHO.

I disagree 100%. I think if more people spend their time and energy focusing on the marriage and less on the party, we might have a lower divorce rate. And couples could start off on the right foot without accumulating a large chunk of debt for a silly party. I never got the big wedding thing, not my cup of tea. I could never go into debt for such a thing.

 

[Scrappy_Tink]

There is no way I will go to Mexico under the current conditions of the area, regardless of whether it's for a wedding or how much it costs.

A friend of mine in the Army had to get special permission to go to a Destination Wedding in Mexico (not his own) because of the threat level. We google earthed the resort and it was in a very isolated area surrounded by forrest...oh, and had guard towers I jokingly told him that I could just picture him riding on a bus from the airport on a dirt road, with the bus full of people holding chickens like you see in the movies.

 

[shoney]

A friend of mine in the Army had to get special permission to go to a Destination Wedding in Mexico (not his own) because of the threat level. We google earthed the resort and it was in a very isolated area surrounded by forrest...oh, and had guard towers I jokingly told him that I could just picture him riding on a bus from the airport on a dirt road, with the bus full of people holding chickens like you see in the movies.

that is a personal choice. I can tell you that the Riviera Maya area is not like that at all. There are currently no restrictions in that area. It is a main highway that takes you south from the Cancun airport. I feel perfectly safe there and wouldn't hesitate to go back to the area again.

for the record our honeymoon resort (Sandals) in Jamaica had guard towers. It took us 20 years to go back to Jamaica, after many trips to Mexico. We chose a resort without the guard towers!

 

[DebbieB]

I had a second cousin's daughter get married on a cruise ship. They videotaped it and then had a reception back at home later. They showed the videotape first and then walked into the reception room.

It sounds like their plans aren't solid. They may have thought having a holiday wedding would be nice but are probably running into the financial reality. I would just send them a nice gift, they would probably be happier with that.

 

[elaine amj]

You can afford to go, but could fund an additional trip or a cruise instead? The decision is based on, where YOU want to spend YOUR vacation and how much fun YOU will have? This seems to be your priority, not attending your nephew's wedding. So, why all the fuss?

Well I started this thread because I was trying to get a wide array of perspectives on whether I should prioritize our own family trips or our nephew's wedding. We love our nephew and want to be there but have had to face some reality checks on what we would have to give up to be there simply due to money. In certain situations, i would give up our own fun without a thought. this thread was to help me determine if this was an appropriate situation. Some really great and helpful feedback here - which I really appreciate.

I am imagining a post on a message board similar to this saying " Can you believe our daughter, niece, whomever in law is having 3 weddings!" and all the comments following about being selfish and a princess. Sometimes you need to take a step back in look in the mirror before criticizing someone else's choice.

Well, considering most folks only made it out to one of the weddings, I guess I can't see how it's selfish? It's not like each person was expected to give 3 different gifts. We also skipped the wedding shower.

we did it so that ALL our loved ones could celebrate with us without flying across the globe. We were only going to do receptions, but all our families and friends really wanted to watch us walk down the aisle. It wasn't hard to do to please them...and I'm so glad we did. It was really special to share the moments with everyone impt to us. DH got to have his best friends stand up for him and vice versa. It would have been too much pressure (and way too expensive) for them to fly across the world to stand up for us. Besides, choosing a country would have been incredibly difficult.

Anyway, I completely agree its nephew's choice to have a DW. I personally think its a bit nuts. But that's ok as it's their opinion that counts the most. I can see from this thread there is a wide array of opinions on the most important aspects of a wedding. I still want to be there for him, so if I choose to go, I want to do it cheerfully and be excited and happy to be there. This is also forcing me to remember to be budget-minded. DH and I are really tempted to just do it all and spend wildly. No worries though...I'm sure (I hope ) our frugal natures will prevail.

 

[dakcp2001]

Well I started this thread because I was trying to get a wide array of perspectives on whether I should prioritize our own family trips or our nephew's wedding. We love our nephew and want to be there but have had to face some reality checks on what we would have to give up to be there simply due to money. In certain situations, i would give up our own fun without a thought. this thread was to help me determine if this was an appropriate situation. Some really great and helpful feedback here - which I really appreciate.



Well, considering most folks only made it out to one of the weddings, I guess I can't see how it's selfish? It's not like each person was expected to give 3 different gifts. We also skipped the wedding shower.

we did it so that ALL our loved ones could celebrate with us without flying across the globe. We were only going to do receptions, but all our families and friends really wanted to watch us walk down the aisle. It wasn't hard to do to please them...and I'm so glad we did. It was really special to share the moments with everyone impt to us. DH got to have his best friends stand up for him and vice versa. It would have been too much pressure (and way too expensive) for them to fly across the world to stand up for us. Besides, choosing a country would have been incredibly difficult.

Anyway, I completely agree its nephew's choice to have a DW. I personally think its a bit nuts. But that's ok as it's their opinion that counts the most. I can see from this thread there is a wide array of opinions on the most important aspects of a wedding. I still want to be there for him, so if I choose to go, I want to do it cheerfully and be excited and happy to be there. This is also forcing me to remember to be budget-minded. DH and I are really tempted to just do it all and spend wildly. No worries though...I'm sure (I hope ) our frugal natures will prevail.

I think having three weddings is nuts.

 

[elaine amj]

This attitude is what I find so sad and terrible. When I got married I wanted to elope because I didn't want to deal with everything planning wedding entailed. I just wanted to grab a dress and get married because in my opinion, a marriage is about the two people getting married and with attitudes like these the wedding ends up being about EVERYONE else. Shortly after getting engaged I asked my MIL how she felt about people eloping and she said it was selfish because other people might want to come. Silly me, I thought the bride and groom were the most important people at the wedding.

I ended up getting roped into planning a church wedding that I didn't want. I had to fight with my mother and my MIL over every little thing. My mother hung up on me four times over the cake alone. I had to brow beat my MIL for months to get her guest list so I could send out invitations and when she finally got it to me, two weeks before the RSVP date, she complained because guests were getting them the day after the RSVP date.

A week before the ceremony, so everything is all planned, my MIL decides she wants my fiance to walk her down the aisle so I had to rearrange the processional at the last minute.

I was told I wasn't allowed to have any alcohol at the reception, that the in laws did not pay for by the way, because their friends didn't drink and if they knew there would be alcohol there they may not come as they would be uncomfortable in that situation.

The day of the wedding my mother threw a fit over my brothers tie and hung up on me two times a week after the wedding over the pictures.

Nine years later and the clearest memory of my wedding day is dealing with everyone else's BS.

So yes, if I ever get married again I will elope. Because it isn't about everyone else, it's about the people getting married.

Aaaaaarrrgghhhhh!!! What a horror story. i would have completely ripped my hair out in your situation and would have chosen to elope too.

I was very blessed that we didn't have much drama in our wedding plans. We kept all the weddings relatively simple and thankfully didn't spend any fortunes doing so. Adding the extra wedding ceremonies cost relatively little and didn't really add too much extra planning headaches.

As many have said. A wedding takes a day but a marriage takes a lifetime.

 

[elaine amj]

I think having three weddings is nuts.

LOL! It was a lot nuts

 

[Turn the Page]

Aaaaaarrrgghhhhh!!! What a horror story. i would have completely ripped my hair out in your situation and would have chosen to elope too.

I was very blessed that we didn't have much drama in our wedding plans. We kept all the weddings relatively simple and thankfully didn't spend any fortunes doing so. Adding the extra wedding ceremonies cost relatively little and didn't really add too much extra planning headaches.

As many have said. A wedding takes a day but a marriage takes a lifetime.

Don't get me wrong, I love weddings. Other peoples weddings. I don't want one of my own.

There were so many other issues that went on during the planning process. The minister refused to marry us ten days before the wedding because I had not had a "Jesus experience", the ceremony and reception were to be held at the church so that was a bit stressful. Apparently he didn't have any issues with the ex being a severe mama's boy with man child syndrome but me not having had a jesus experience was unacceptable.

But I think my favorite was the cake thing. My mom wanted to bake the cake. She does cakes on the side for birthday parties and occasionally weddings and things like that. Only problem is that she really isn't any good at it so I really didn't want her to bake the cake anyway. However, she lived 700 miles away from where I did at the time. I kept asking her how she was planning to make the cake when she lived that far away. She couldn't use my kitchen since we had moved two weeks before the wedding and the house was a disaster area. She told me she planned to bake the cake like two months in advance and freeze it then bring it down in coolers and assemble it here. Ummmm......no. You're not doing that. Resulted in being hung up on four times.

 

[elaine amj]

Don't get me wrong, I love weddings. Other peoples weddings. I don't want one of my own.

There were so many other issues that went on during the planning process. The minister refused to marry us ten days before the wedding because I had not had a "Jesus experience", the ceremony and reception were to be held at the church so that was a bit stressful. Apparently he didn't have any issues with the ex being a severe mama's boy with man child syndrome but me not having had a jesus experience was unacceptable.

But I think my favorite was the cake thing. My mom wanted to bake the cake. She does cakes on the side for birthday parties and occasionally weddings and things like that. Only problem is that she really isn't any good at it so I really didn't want her to bake the cake anyway. However, she lived 700 miles away from where I did at the time. I kept asking her how she was planning to make the cake when she lived that far away. She couldn't use my kitchen since we had moved two weeks before the wedding and the house was a disaster area. She told me she planned to bake the cake like two months in advance and freeze it then bring it down in coolers and assemble it here. Ummmm......no. You're not doing that. Resulted in being hung up on four times.

OMG! If all your stories are like that, u have enough wedding drama stories for a lifetime.

 

[TLSnell1981]

I wedding planners. They get paid to do the dirty work.

 

[superme80]

I say don't go. I am of the "it is my money and I would rather spend it on my vacation of my choosing" camp. I went to 1 destination wedding. DH and I were dating. We had a lot of fun, but a lot more freedom with our money. I was invited to another destination wedding last summer. No matter how I crunched the numbers it was not going to work out. My aunt would whine every now and then how she wished the WHOLE family could be there. It would have been nice, but I was not shelling out money for a wedding when I could barely afford a vacation.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I've just told me kids that apparently so that no one will have to travel for their weddings, to avoid being labeled selfish they need to have 3 weddings (and that doesn't even account for where future spouses may be from or have family at); you should have seen the looks they gave me

OP--it is cool that you coudl do that if you wanted to--gosh when I got married as a part of a couple of 23 year olds, we barely scraped together the cash for the one, local to where we lived (which meant my family had to skip it or fly in--I was not upset either way) budget wedding we had. Just one.

And, truthfully, as a guest, I personally would feel like it was a "show" and not at all real if I was watching a second or third trip down the aisle. For me, personally, I would not want to attend because it wouldn't be a special or important thing--it would just be theatrics to me. It sounds like your family loved it though--and you had the cash (and vacation time) to pull that off so more power to you. I definitely don't think that is a "better" way than your nephew's though. It seems to me that you were very comfortable doing something totally off the norm for your own wedding but now seem bothered when he is doing something less common but still much more the norm than you did