Destination Wedding - how much is too much? *UPDATE page 11*

[FlyingDumbo]

I am astounded by the hypocrisy of this thread. Op- you are against destination weddings because they are not what you consider normal, yet you had THREE weddings? Pot, meet kettle.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I assume you are pricing for you and your spouse and two children? If so, can the kids stay with someone while you and your spouse go? Or, if your husband wants to go so badly, just send him.

I would never take money from my retirement account to go to anyone's wedding. Never, ever, ever.

It sounds to me that you don't want to go and that maybe your husband is on the fence. Given the situation you have described, I would send my regrets.

I think when one chooses to have a destination wedding they need to accept the fact that many (most or all) potential guests won't be able to come, won't be able to afford to come, or won't want to travel. If people get their panties in a bunch, oh well. If they want people to attend, then have the wedding at home.

This!

 

[elaine amj]

I am astounded by the hypocrisy of this thread. Op- you are against destination weddings because they are not what you consider normal, yet you had THREE weddings? Pot, meet kettle.

I don't agree with SOME DWs because I feel they place unfair expectations on guests. And in many cases, brides and grooms openly admit they do it because it saves them a fortune (because their guests pay for a chunk of it). And I openly admit, I was a little upset after reading some bridezilla threads on DWs just before I started this thread! Common sense reminds me that not all brides are like these bridezillas

I don't care whether they are normal or out of the norm. Like many pointed out, I have no problems doing things out of the norm (like having 3 weddings).

I don't know why our nephew has chosen to do a DW. He has never said and I have never asked. And really, it doesn't matter a whit whether I like it or not or what his reasons are. His wedding, his choice. I'm completely fine with that.

But that wasn't the point of this thread I posted this because I was trying to figure out how much effort I should make to attend the wedding. I wasn't asking for anyone to make a decision for me nor was I expecting to make a final decision right away. I was hoping for perspective and a broader range of viewpoints on the situation. You guys really came through with wonderful feedback that was very much an eyeopener for me and this has been incredibly helpful Thank you!

As a side note, the whole discussion surrounding DWs in general is absolutely fascinating. It would make a fun debate too.

 

[elaine amj]

I wanted to share an update. We have decided not to attend the destination wedding.

Nephew decided on a resort in Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic. When we first got the cost, we thought we would be able to manage it. It would be $3000 for the 4 of us for a week (everything but airfare). If I could manage flights for free, it would fit in our budget. So I worked hard to earn the air miles, doing a ton of research and investigating all the possibilities. I finally found one I thought would work so I went ahead and booked the resort.

Unfortunately, when the flight schedule was released, I could not get award seats. I have been checking ever since and nothing is available. UGH - when I thought his wedding was in Mexico, I actually managed to find flights to Cancun during those dates for my airmiles! The flights are $700 pp ($2800) to Punta Cana. With that, it pushed the whole trip outside our budget. So we have decided to be responsible and not go.

Every once in a while we talk about how nice it would be to go and be there - but we keep reminding ourselves that it does not fit within our budget priorities.

Thanks again for all the wonderful feedback and perspectives that everyone shared - really helped with the guilt!

 

[clh2]

I wanted to share an update. We have decided not to attend the destination wedding.

Nephew decided on a resort in Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic. When we first got the cost, we thought we would be able to manage it. It would be $3000 for the 4 of us for a week (everything but airfare). If I could manage flights for free, it would fit in our budget. So I worked hard to earn the air miles, doing a ton of research and investigating all the possibilities. I finally found one I thought would work so I went ahead and booked the resort.

Unfortunately, when the flight schedule was released, I could not get award seats. I have been checking ever since and nothing is available. UGH - when I thought his wedding was in Mexico, I actually managed to find flights to Cancun during those dates for my airmiles! The flights are $700 pp ($2800) to Punta Cana. With that, it pushed the whole trip outside our budget. So we have decided to be responsible and not go.

Every once in a while we talk about how nice it would be to go and be there - but we keep reminding ourselves that it does not fit within our budget priorities.

Thanks again for all the wonderful feedback and perspectives that everyone shared - really helped with the guilt!

Good choice. Thanks for the update!

 

[okeydokey]

It's nice that you really tried to make it work, but if it doesn't, it doesn't. I'm sure nephew will have a lovely wedding.

 

[canadianjovigirl]

We are facing the same as friends of ours are having a destination wedding in April in the Dominican. We have our family vacation planned for February and then was hoping for a 15th anniversary trip for just us in August since we never got a honeymoon.

We are going to forgo the anniversary trip and attend the wedding if at all possible as our friends contribute to our happy life so we would love to be there to help them celebrate the start of their life together. Right now we are not planning on taking the kids with us in April as it is not during a school a break and is $2100 per person. I am going to try to book it ourselves to save some money as we don't care about direct flights as from Western Canada they double the flight prices and I can book the same resort, upgraded room with flights with one stop for $1600 per person.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Thanks for the update!

WOW.... that is $5800.00, plus other incidental travel expenses...

Sorry, but no way around it... Inviting somebody to spend SIX THOUSAND dollars for the wonderful privilege of witnessing their vows. Yes, selfish... no question...

 

[crashbb]

Thanks for the update!

WOW.... that is $5800.00, plus other incidental travel expenses...

Sorry, but no way around it... Inviting somebody to spend SIX THOUSAND dollars for the wonderful privilege of witnessing their vows. Yes, selfish... no question...

No. Insisting that they do it or trying to guilt them into doing it is selfish. Merely inviting them is not.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Good choice. Thanks for the update!

This

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I wanted to share an update. We have decided not to attend the destination wedding.

Nephew decided on a resort in Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic. When we first got the cost, we thought we would be able to manage it. It would be $3000 for the 4 of us for a week (everything but airfare). If I could manage flights for free, it would fit in our budget. So I worked hard to earn the air miles, doing a ton of research and investigating all the possibilities. I finally found one I thought would work so I went ahead and booked the resort.

Unfortunately, when the flight schedule was released, I could not get award seats. I have been checking ever since and nothing is available. UGH - when I thought his wedding was in Mexico, I actually managed to find flights to Cancun during those dates for my airmiles! The flights are $700 pp ($2800) to Punta Cana. With that, it pushed the whole trip outside our budget. So we have decided to be responsible and not go.

Every once in a while we talk about how nice it would be to go and be there - but we keep reminding ourselves that it does not fit within our budget priorities.

Thanks again for all the wonderful feedback and perspectives that everyone shared - really helped with the guilt!

Sounds like you tried. It is OK to say NO.

However asking someone to spend 6,000+ on your wedding is just out of this world to me.

 

[FlyingDumbo]

No. Insisting that they do it or trying to guilt them into doing it is selfish. Merely inviting them is not.

 

[rwdavis2]

I just caught this at the tail end. There are some stories about some seriously crazy people.

I'm glad we got married where we lived so both sides of the family had to travel. We got some very minor push back but we shut it down pretty quickly. I just don't understand why people allow themselves to pushed around or bullied by relatives. If they think that much of you then why should you care anything about them. But then, our families have no drama involved.

One nice side effect was that we could invite, and avoid hurt feelings, many people that we would not have if we had been local. We new most of them would not make the trip. Roughly 60% of the people that got invites actually could come. Worked out well for everyone.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Thanks for the update

No. Insisting that they do it or trying to guilt them into doing it is selfish. Merely inviting them is not.

Exactly

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, we can agree to disagree...

In my world, 'inviting' somebody to spend $6000. is, indeed, selfish.... and, as one poster just said, 'out of this world'.

 

[MinnieLovesMickey12]

I would just take some of the savings of not going and send them a nice wedding gift of cash. I would send about $400.

 

[elaine amj]

I wish nephew didn't put us in this spot since we had always looked forward to being at his wedding. Plus weddings are a chance for family reunions so now that's not going to happen. That said, his wedding, his choice and I completely respect that. I appreciate that he has not put the guilt trip on us.

Haven't actually mentioned a word to his mother about the wedding since she first showed me the resort. When we saw her, she didn't bring up the wedding and neither did we (Then again, only saw her once and we were absorbed in other things). We talked directly with nephew so I have no idea if his mother knows yet or not. I'll have to remember to give her my regrets the next time I see her - which will be this weekend for her daughter's baby shower.

We are facing the same as friends of ours are having a destination wedding in April in the Dominican. We have our family vacation planned for February and then was hoping for a 15th anniversary trip for just us in August since we never got a honeymoon.

We are going to forgo the anniversary trip and attend the wedding if at all possible as our friends contribute to our happy life so we would love to be there to help them celebrate the start of their life together. Right now we are not planning on taking the kids with us in April as it is not during a school a break and is $2100 per person. I am going to try to book it ourselves to save some money as we don't care about direct flights as from Western Canada they double the flight prices and I can book the same resort, upgraded room with flights with one stop for $1600 per person.

OUCH! That's a tough one. Hopefully you will have some secluded time just the two of you for your own "honeymoon". Would it make sense to arrange your week so you arrive a couple of days before everyone else and leave a couple of days early so you have some alone time without the whole group around? I love being with my friends....but there is something so special about being in a different place just alone with your SO.

If you are saving that much, I would book it myself too. When we were planning to go, we asked nephew if he preferred we book with his agent or ourselves (I have read some bridezilla posts who get upset because their guests booked by themselves so they didn't get the "credit".). He said whatever we wanted...so I priced it out.

Also, one thing we were planning to do to save a few hundred dollars was to stay a few days off site and then a few days onsite for the wedding.

I would just take some of the savings of not going and send them a nice wedding gift of cash. I would send about $400.

That's the next dilemma - how much to give! Do we give what we gave our nieces for their weddings....or do we give a bit more since we are not attending his wedding? One niece we ave her the hall tables she wanted (We asked what she wanted). Another niece asked for contributions to her honeymoon so we gave a gift card towards that. For nephew, we will just give cash. DH is leaning towards giving the same as to our nieces. I'm leaning towards giving a bit more.

 

[skatalite]

That's the next dilemma - how much to give! Do we give what we gave our nieces for their weddings....or do we give a bit more since we are not attending his wedding? One niece we ave her the hall tables she wanted (We asked what she wanted). Another niece asked for contributions to her honeymoon so we gave a gift card towards that. For nephew, we will just give cash. DH is leaning towards giving the same as to our nieces. I'm leaning towards giving a bit more.

Give the same amount. If your nephew is expecting more simply because you guys can't financially make it to his wedding, then he needs to be shaken violently until good sense joggles loose in that brain of his.

 

[mom2rtk]

Give the same amount. If your nephew is expecting more simply because you guys can't financially make it to his wedding, then he needs to be shaken violently until good sense joggles loose in that brain of his.

Abso-bloomin-lootly.

 

[pryncess527]

Thanks for the update!

WOW.... that is $5800.00, plus other incidental travel expenses...

Sorry, but no way around it... Inviting somebody to spend SIX THOUSAND dollars for the wonderful privilege of witnessing their vows. Yes, selfish... no question...

It can work both ways. I had a DW in Italy (though we did many things to reduce costs for our guests and there is no way anyone spent even close to 6k in our case, not even 2k) , yet some we did not invite seemed to be insulted, as if we had made an estimation of their finances and made a choice for them by assuming they would not pay to come. (Which is not actually why they did not make the list . . .)

People can always say no, but they are often hurt not to even be asked, IME.

I too would give the spend the same amount on a gift as normal, I wouldn't share savings from not attending with the couple