Destination Wedding - how much is too much? *UPDATE page 11*

[crashbb]

That's the next dilemma - how much to give! Do we give what we gave our nieces for their weddings....or do we give a bit more since we are not attending his wedding? One niece we ave her the hall tables she wanted (We asked what she wanted). Another niece asked for contributions to her honeymoon so we gave a gift card towards that. For nephew, we will just give cash. DH is leaning towards giving the same as to our nieces. I'm leaning towards giving a bit more.

I'd give the same amount you gave your nieces (or the same amount you'd have given him if the wedding were local). Given that he hasn't tried to guilt you at all and that he had no problem with who you booked through (had you booked), it doesn't seem like he is the type to expect a larger gift anyway (even if he knows exactly how much you gave them - I have no idea how much my aunt gave my brother for his wedding).

 

[mmackeymouse]

Thanks for the update!

WOW.... that is $5800.00, plus other incidental travel expenses...

Sorry, but no way around it... Inviting somebody to spend SIX THOUSAND dollars for the wonderful privilege of witnessing their vows. Yes, selfish... no question...

That's kind of harsh...and snarky.

Are you suggesting if someone has a destination wedding that the simple act of inviting someone is burdening them or somehow being selfish?

Trust me, it is something I have thought about a lot...I hope to do a Disney wedding someday, and I wrestle with who do I invite, who do I not? Is it more insulting to not be invited or to be invited and not be able to come? I plan to make it as affordable as possible and cover a lot of the extra costs. But, still, when you take into consideration airfare, lodging, and other extras, the cost can still run into the thousands.

I don't feel like I am selfish to invite people.

 

[skatalite]

That's kind of harsh...and snarky.

Are you suggesting if someone has a destination wedding that the simple act of inviting someone is burdening them or somehow being selfish?

Trust me, it is something I have thought about a lot...I hope to do a Disney wedding someday, and I wrestle with who do I invite, who do I not? Is it more insulting to not be invited or to be invited and not be able to come? I plan to make it as affordable as possible and cover a lot of the extra costs. But, still, when you take into consideration airfare, lodging, and other extras, the cost can still run into the thousands.

I don't feel like I am selfish to invite people.

My wife and I had a Disney wedding and we invited a whopping 13 family members: parents, siblings, nieces and nephews. Since everyone knew we were paying for the wedding ourselves, they paid for themselves to come to to Florida. They all basically turned it into vacations, and that's how they saw it: A vacation with a wedding in the middle of it all, haha.

But, other than our parents, we didn't get any gifts from people. Which is just fine, and we appreciated that. We would've felt bad had we received gifts from people we didn't invite.

Our situation wasn't entirely unique, but since my wife's family lives on the east coast, and all my family is in Texas, it would've been lopsided one way or the other. So Florida it was!

And we didn't have to drop $30,000 on a wedding that just happened to have a lot of people there.

To be honest, too, the destination wedding was also a fantastic excuse to not invite some people. We would've had 200-plus invites sent out, and 1/3 of those would've been to people we don't even know or care for, but would've had to invite due to a perceived "properness."

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That's kind of harsh...and snarky.

Are you suggesting if someone has a destination wedding that the simple act of inviting someone is burdening them or somehow being selfish?

Trust me, it is something I have thought about a lot...I hope to do a Disney wedding someday, and I wrestle with who do I invite, who do I not? Is it more insulting to not be invited or to be invited and not be able to come? I plan to make it as affordable as possible and cover a lot of the extra costs. But, still, when you take into consideration airfare, lodging, and other extras, the cost can still run into the thousands.

I don't feel like I am selfish to invite people.

As long as you are OK with people sending regrets, invite away.

I do not have the money to spend thousands on someone else's wedding.

 

[diamondpixienc]

I wouldn't take the kids, and if it's still expensive for just the two of you, I would send dh and he can share a hotel room with someone else hopefully. The one plane ticket and a shared room for a couple of nights won't be too bad. At most it would affect one of your three planned trips. Your dh wants to go it sounds like, and I would support him with wanting to do so.

^^ THIS ^^ or consider going without the kids.

 

[okeydokey]

I would just take some of the savings of not going and send them a nice wedding gift of cash. I would send about $400.

I wouldn't. It was the nephews choice to have an expensive wedding. I would give what I would normally give to family weddings, no more or less.

 

[Nancyg56]

No. Insisting that they do it or trying to guilt them into doing it is selfish. Merely inviting them is not.

I agree. I also think that a DW may be the answer for couples who are faced with uncomfortable family situations. My nieces and nephews parents went through a nasty divorce. My family kept out of it, never said a word to the kids, and tried to make sure they never needed to censor themselves around us. My ex BIL's family did not. They were horrible, not just to my sister, bt to the rest of us so I cannot imagine how a wedding would anything but uncomfortable for them. My niece said she is worried about a wedding, and when I told her not to worry, everyone would come, she said that was the problem, Everyone would come. I would not blame any one of them if they planned a DW, and prayed the folks they invited stayed home. They love all of us, and we all love them, but I bet they worry what the atmosphere would be like.

 

[sksjasams]

I would absolutely give the same amount to your nephew that you gave to your nieces. Its entirely possible gifts will be compared, and you want to make sure they are equal. If you give more to your nephew, they would be left to speculate why, or you would feel like you have to include an awkward explanation of why you are giving more to you nephew.

 

[hops&dreams]

I wanted to share an update. We have decided not to attend the destination wedding.

Nephew decided on a resort in Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic. When we first got the cost, we thought we would be able to manage it. It would be $3000 for the 4 of us for a week (everything but airfare). If I could manage flights for free, it would fit in our budget. So I worked hard to earn the air miles, doing a ton of research and investigating all the possibilities. I finally found one I thought would work so I went ahead and booked the resort.

Unfortunately, when the flight schedule was released, I could not get award seats. I have been checking ever since and nothing is available. UGH - when I thought his wedding was in Mexico, I actually managed to find flights to Cancun during those dates for my airmiles! The flights are $700 pp ($2800) to Punta Cana. With that, it pushed the whole trip outside our budget. So we have decided to be responsible and not go.

Every once in a while we talk about how nice it would be to go and be there - but we keep reminding ourselves that it does not fit within our budget priorities.

Thanks again for all the wonderful feedback and perspectives that everyone shared - really helped with the guilt!

Glad you were able to make the right choice for your family. I think when people have a destination wedding, they do so knowing full well that not everyone they want to be there will magically be able to fit it into their schedules and budgets. That was my experience as a wedding planner, anyway. I did have 1 bride who was having a hissy about someone not coming, and I told her that unless she was willing to pay them for their time and travels, that nothing should be assumed or guaranteed. I reminded her that not everyone had unlimited funds and time (like she did).

Thank you for posting this - I have been invited to 3 destination weddings around Christmas time:
Best friend and his wife are doing their Irish wedding. She moved from there to the states to marry him, so they had their American wedding shortly after she moved so she could start immigration stuff. Now, she'd like to them to declare their love in front of her whole extended family on her home soil. They have asked DD to be a flower girl, as she was at their American wedding. The groom is like a brother to me - we've been best friends since we were 3 years old.

Cousin is getting married on a cruise to Mexico. All the cousins are going, without spouses to save on cost, and sharing rooms. My sister said she'd go if I go. I don't really want to experience something like that without DH and DD, but I don't want to have the only kid in our party either. And I have a lot better things I can do with $1200 (plus airfare) than a 5 day cruise to a country I don't really care to see.

DH's step-sister is getting married in Costa Rica. It will be performed by a non-ordained minister, in a country that doesn't recognize gay marriage. So, it's just a ceremonial commitment. Which is fine. But she's also broken off 2 other engagements. (one to a man, one to a woman). Found out recently, DH's dad isn't even going. And I think her mom is barely going because I think she's still in denial that her daughter is gay. DH was friends with this step-sister in high school before their parents were dating. But it's not like they're close. At all.

So, I'd like to go to Ireland, as a family. I'd like to go on the Mexican cruise and have fun with my cousins, but I wouldn't be able to do that without guilt unless DH encouraged me to, which he's not right now because he also wants to do something more practical with the $1200, not just spend it on a good time for me and me alone. And nope on Costa Rica. Even more so if it means spending time with Dh's step-mom. Especially without DH's dad there.

We're watching airfare for Ireland to see if it's really do-able. We want to book by the end of next month. Crossing my fingers!

 

[elaine amj]

It's nephew's choice to have a destination wedding. It's not selfish - it's what they want. He obviously wants to keep his guest list small and that's OK too. I just heard from one of my sisters in law (his aunt too) that he has never invited her. That works for her - she has no interest in going LOL. From my selfish perspective, I'm sad because we will be missing the fun and reunion of a normal family wedding. He's obviously comfortable with whoever can come and I hope he has the most fabulous wedding of his dreams.

I'm planning on hosting family Christmas after they return in January (although I'll offer it before they leave) and asking him to make sure to bring all his wedding pictures (which I would genuinely love to see). Hmmm...maybe this time he'll swing in for family Christmas for more than his usual 1-2 hr courtesy visit?

 

[elaine amj]

Thank you for posting this - I have been invited to 3 destination weddings around Christmas time:
Best friend and his wife are doing their Irish wedding. She moved from there to the states to marry him, so they had their American wedding shortly after she moved so she could start immigration stuff. Now, she'd like to them to declare their love in front of her whole extended family on her home soil. They have asked DD to be a flower girl, as she was at their American wedding. The groom is like a brother to me - we've been best friends since we were 3 years old.

Cousin is getting married on a cruise to Mexico. All the cousins are going, without spouses to save on cost, and sharing rooms. My sister said she'd go if I go. I don't really want to experience something like that without DH and DD, but I don't want to have the only kid in our party either. And I have a lot better things I can do with $1200 (plus airfare) than a 5 day cruise to a country I don't really care to see.

DH's step-sister is getting married in Costa Rica. It will be performed by a non-ordained minister, in a country that doesn't recognize gay marriage. So, it's just a ceremonial commitment. Which is fine. But she's also broken off 2 other engagements. (one to a man, one to a woman). Found out recently, DH's dad isn't even going. And I think her mom is barely going because I think she's still in denial that her daughter is gay. DH was friends with this step-sister in high school before their parents were dating. But it's not like they're close. At all.

So, I'd like to go to Ireland, as a family. I'd like to go on the Mexican cruise and have fun with my cousins, but I wouldn't be able to do that without guilt unless DH encouraged me to, which he's not right now because he also wants to do something more practical with the $1200, not just spend it on a good time for me and me alone. And nope on Costa Rica. Even more so if it means spending time with Dh's step-mom. Especially without DH's dad there.

We're watching airfare for Ireland to see if it's really do-able. We want to book by the end of next month. Crossing my fingers!

Yikes - THREE destination weddings at the same time?! I think I would expire from the pressure LOL. Hope you make it to Ireland - I've heard absolutely amazing things about it

 

[eliza61]

As long as you are OK with people sending regrets, invite away.

I do not have the money to spend thousands on someone else's wedding.

but that's it mm, the people I know who had destination weddings were perfectly happy if no one showed up or every one showed up.
I've been to a few lately, now I'm older so my friends are having second weddings so they want them to be personal and reflect their style.
they really don't care if Aunt suzy can't make it, they would love it if they did but they don't take it as a slight if they can't show up.


A wise disser said early. wedding invitations are not "summons" to appear in front of a grand jury. I find the Guest (op included) bring the drama by making them into some thing they shouldn't be.

IMO,
They are not family reunions
they are not required
They are not an excuse to vacation.
They are not a reason to turn into bridezilla

They are supposed to be a celebration of two people in love starting a new life. You're supposed to support them whether or not you can show up

I do not spend equally among my relatives. I give more to some than I give to others. If they don't like it, send my money back. My cousins kid got married, I barely know him, maybe see him once a year. I sent him 100 bucks. My niece got married, I see her every week, she baby sat my kids when they were young, she's in my life, I know her financial situation. I sent her 700 bucks.

Seriously I don't get all these "rules". sorry but I think op put the drama into this herself (apologies op, not meaning to offend).

It's very easy for me.
1) receive invitation in the mail
2) discuss with dh do we want to go
3) check finances and any upcoming things that are on the budget
4) send back response. yay or nay.

My fil got remarried in Lisbon Portugal. we went. it cost easy a couple of thousand but we wanted to go. very simple. My niece got married at WDW, we had already had a trip in the works a few months after, we declined and sent a nice gift. LOL. the girl called, thanked me for the gift and promptly forgot we weren't even there.

like I said, I may have a weird attitude about weddings but we're talking about a big party not inputting the nuclear launch codes here.

 

[FlyingDumbo]

Glad you were able to make the right choice for your family. I think when people have a destination wedding, they do so knowing full well that not everyone they want to be there will magically be able to fit it into their schedules and budgets. That was my experience as a wedding planner, anyway. I did have 1 bride who was having a hissy about someone not coming, and I told her that unless she was willing to pay them for their time and travels, that nothing should be assumed or guaranteed. I reminded her that not everyone had unlimited funds and time (like she did).

Thank you for posting this - I have been invited to 3 destination weddings around Christmas time:
Best friend and his wife are doing their Irish wedding. She moved from there to the states to marry him, so they had their American wedding shortly after she moved so she could start immigration stuff. Now, she'd like to them to declare their love in front of her whole extended family on her home soil. They have asked DD to be a flower girl, as she was at their American wedding. The groom is like a brother to me - we've been best friends since we were 3 years old.

Cousin is getting married on a cruise to Mexico. All the cousins are going, without spouses to save on cost, and sharing rooms. My sister said she'd go if I go. I don't really want to experience something like that without DH and DD, but I don't want to have the only kid in our party either. And I have a lot better things I can do with $1200 (plus airfare) than a 5 day cruise to a country I don't really care to see.

DH's step-sister is getting married in Costa Rica. It will be performed by a non-ordained minister, in a country that doesn't recognize gay marriage. So, it's just a ceremonial commitment. Which is fine. But she's also broken off 2 other engagements. (one to a man, one to a woman). Found out recently, DH's dad isn't even going. And I think her mom is barely going because I think she's still in denial that her daughter is gay. DH was friends with this step-sister in high school before their parents were dating. But it's not like they're close. At all.

So, I'd like to go to Ireland, as a family. I'd like to go on the Mexican cruise and have fun with my cousins, but I wouldn't be able to do that without guilt unless DH encouraged me to, which he's not right now because he also wants to do something more practical with the $1200, not just spend it on a good time for me and me alone. And nope on Costa Rica. Even more so if it means spending time with Dh's step-mom. Especially without DH's dad there.

We're watching airfare for Ireland to see if it's really do-able. We want to book by the end of next month. Crossing my fingers!

As of this week Costa Rica does recognize gay marriage.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

but that's it mm, the people I know who had destination weddings were perfectly happy if no one showed up or every one showed up.
I've been to a few lately, now I'm older so my friends are having second weddings so they want them to be personal and reflect their style.
they really don't care if Aunt suzy can't make it, they would love it if they did but they don't take it as a slight if they can't show up.


A wise disser said early. wedding invitations are not "summons" to appear in front of a grand jury. I find the Guest (op included) bring the drama by making them into some thing they shouldn't be.

IMO,
They are not family reunions
they are not required
They are not an excuse to vacation.
They are not a reason to turn into bridezilla

They are supposed to be a celebration of two people in love starting a new life. You're supposed to support them whether or not you can show up

I do not spend equally among my relatives. I give more to some than I give to others. If they don't like it, send my money back. My cousins kid got married, I barely know him, maybe see him once a year. I sent him 100 bucks. My niece got married, I see her every week, she baby sat my kids when they were young, she's in my life, I know her financial situation. I sent her 700 bucks.

Seriously I don't get all these "rules". sorry but I think op put the drama into this herself (apologies op, not meaning to offend).

It's very easy for me.
1) receive invitation in the mail
2) discuss with dh do we want to go
3) check finances and any upcoming things that are on the budget
4) send back response. yay or nay.

My fil got remarried in Lisbon Portugal. we went. it cost easy a couple of thousand but we wanted to go. very simple. My niece got married at WDW, we had already had a trip in the works a few months after, we declined and sent a nice gift. LOL. the girl called, thanked me for the gift and promptly forgot we weren't even there.

like I said, I may have a weird attitude about weddings but we're talking about a big party not inputting the nuclear launch codes here.

Exactly, so don't be upset when your brother, sister, and parents are not there for your DW.

It seems when people have a DW they EXPECT immediate family to be there.

 

[WDSearcher]

Give the same amount. If your nephew is expecting more simply because you guys can't financially make it to his wedding, then he needs to be shaken violently until good sense joggles loose in that brain of his.

Why all the hate for the nephew? As far as we know from OP's posts, the nephew has not demanded or expected anything! All he's done is invite his family members to a destination wedding. No guilt, no expectations, no pouting, no whining, nothing.

Ease up on the nephew!

 

[mmackeymouse]

As long as you are OK with people sending regrets, invite away.

I do not have the money to spend thousands on someone else's wedding.

See, that's the thing.

I am okay with regrets, and I expect them. Obviously there are some people I hope to be there more than others that it would bother me if they couldn't be there, but ultimately I would understand.

My concern is the attitude that friends and family may have toward me. I would hate for them to resent me. And I would hate for them to talk amongst themselves with the same attitude you have. "I'm not going to spend money on someone else's wedding." Complete with eye-roll and scoffing sigh.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Exactly, so don't be upset when your brother, sister, and parents are not there for your DW.

It seems when people have a DW they EXPECT immediate family to be there.

My sister in law's TWIN brother, whom she she is very close to, was not at her destination wedding. oh yeah, and he is very good friends with the groom--they met through my brother in law (the one who did not go). No one was upset with him for not spending the money and time to get there