Bridal shower - gift opening

[mi*vida*loca]

So who pays for these big meals? Do the guests pay for their meal?

Whoever is hosting. It can be the bridesmaids, mother of the bride, future mother in law or a combination of all 3 plus siblings and cousins.

In my culture these things can be a huge family affair. It’s not unheard of for 5-10 people from the family helping to pitch in to throw the shower. Especially if it’s a “surprise.”

 

[NotUrsula]

That must be another one of those "regional" situations. Unfortunately, I can relate all too well to the "back in the day" reference. The bride's family have hosted every bridal shower I've attended.

Used to be a pretty standard rule, actually, because throwing a shower for your own child really is a gift grab, unless it's a family-only affair. It's still the rule in many places. I know MOBs who have done it, and the pretty universal reaction from prospective guests was along the lines of "hopefully she just doesn't know any better, bless her heart, because this looks desperate. "

Bridal showers in my culture are not the huge affairs that are done in some regions, but if the bride's friends want to throw one but cannot afford it, it is common for older family members of the bride to kick in some funding or offer their home as a venue, but they generally still steer clear of official hostess duty. (Also fairly common for a bride's godmother to host, as she usually is not immediate family.)

My small wedding was held in my home town because my mother was too ill to travel, but I'd moved away years before and not kept up local friendships. There was much angst over not being able to find someone appropriate to host a shower for me, until I made an announcement that I was relieved that there wouldn't be one. (Half my relatives still made it a point at the wedding reception to explain this strange state of affairs to older ladies present, lest they think they had been deliberately not invited to a shower.)

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Used to be a pretty standard rule, actually, because thrrowing a shower for your own child really is a gift grab, unless it's a family-only affair. It's still the rule in many places. I know MOBs who have done it, and the pretty universal reaction from prospective guests was along the lines of "hopefully she just doesn't know any better, bless her heart, because this looks desperate. "

Bridal showers in my culture are not the huge affairs that are done in some regions, but if the bride's friends want to throw one but cannot afford it, it is common for older family members of the bride to kick in some funding or offer their home as a venue, but they generally still steer clear of official hostess duty. (Also fairly common for a bride's godmother to host, as she usually is not immediate family.)

My small wedding was held in my home town because my mother was too ill to travel, but I'd moved away years before and not kept up local friendships. There was much angst over not being able to find someone appropriate to host a shower for me, until I made an announcement that I was relieved that there wouldn't be one. (Half my relatives still made it a point at the wedding reception to explain this strange state if affairs to older ladies present, lest they think they had been deliberately not invited to a shower.)

That probably makes a difference. I don't know anyone who considers a shower of any kind a gift grab. It's an expected rite of passage. No one cares who hosts the events, just please no games.

 

[CdnCarrie]

That must be another one of those "regional" situations. Unfortunately, I can relate all too well to the "back in the day" reference. The bride's family have hosted every bridal shower I've attended.

No not regional- back in the day it was not considered acceptable. Obviously it has changed over the years.

From Emily Post - etiquette expert

It had long been considered a breach of etiquette for the bride's family members to host showers. Why? Because the main point of a shower is to give gifts to the bride and it could seem as if her family were asking for gifts. Today, while it's still a faux pas for an engaged couple to throw their own shower, pretty much anyone else can host one

From Brides.com
Traditionally, the bridal shower was hosted by the maid of honor and bridesmaids, not the mother of the bride or her future mother-in-law. Why? Because an event being hosted by a bride's mother, mother-in-law, or any relatives made it appear as if the woman of honor and her family members were asking for gifts. Luckily, times have changed. Today, it's extremely common and perfectly acceptable for anyone—including the bride's mom—to host this celebration.

Martha Stewart

Some etiquette rules were meant to fade away into oblivion, like the one about family members of the bride not hosting her bridal shower. That's right: Every shower you've attended that was hosted by the mother of the bride actually broke with traditional etiquette—who knew? The concern with having a familial host was that, since the party is all about people bringing, or "showering," the bride with gifts, it was considered tacky for her family to be asking for presents.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

No not regional- back in the day it was not considered acceptable. Obviously it has changed over the years.

From Emily Post - etiquette expert

It had long been considered a breach of etiquette for the bride's family members to host showers. Why? Because the main point of a shower is to give gifts to the bride and it could seem as if her family were asking for gifts. Today, while it's still a faux pas for an engaged couple to throw their own shower, pretty much anyone else can host one

From Brides.com
Traditionally, the bridal shower was hosted by the maid of honor and bridesmaids, not the mother of the bride or her future mother-in-law. Why? Because an event being hosted by a bride's mother, mother-in-law, or any relatives made it appear as if the woman of honor and her family members were asking for gifts. Luckily, times have changed. Today, it's extremely common and perfectly acceptable for anyone—including the bride's mom—to host this celebration.

Martha Stewart

Some etiquette rules were meant to fade away into oblivion, like the one about family members of the bride not hosting her bridal shower. That's right: Every shower you've attended that was hosted by the mother of the bride actually broke with traditional etiquette—who knew? The concern with having a familial host was that, since the party is all about people bringing, or "showering," the bride with gifts, it was considered tacky for her family to be asking for presents.

Apparently, people I know never subscribed to Emily Post. I'm in my mid-50s & the family has always hosted all showers. The bridal parties are just there for the fun. They don't finance anything or do any work.

 

[ronandannette]

I get it and have heard that. I would never expect a maid of honor who could be a friend of the bride/my daughter to shell out thousands of dollars for a shower, on top of dress, hair, make up, bachelorette party, etc.

There is no more right or wrong. Everyone has different ways of doing things in their families/traditions, etc. We - in our families all do the same so it's not frowned upon. I don't frown upon or complain about others' traditions/way of doing things. I go, observe, admire and enjoy.

What is right for me, might be wrong for you and vice versa.

Did you say "thousands" ?!? For a shower? I'm fainting...

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I never heard of Emily Post until this board. Not every culture follows by these “rules” or traditions.

Do you ever really know who hosts the shower unless you’re extremely close to the bride or mom to be? And does anyone really care?

I’ve known brides and moms to be that have thrown their own showers. No one cares and most will never know.

 

[ronandannette]

That probably makes a difference. I don't know anyone who considers a shower of any kind a gift grab. It's an expected rite of passage. No one cares who hosts the events, just please no games.

Or else it's the purest form of gift-grab out there. A bridal shower is the one event where there's absolutely no pretense that it's about anything other than giving/receiving gifts. Those of us who attend are doing so because of our fond intentions towards the bride. What difference does it make who hosts it?

 

[CdnCarrie]

Apparently, people I know never subscribed to Emily Post. I'm in my mid-50s & the family has always hosted all showers. The bridal parties are just there for the fun. They don't finance anything or do any work.

I guess I shouldn’t say it’s not regional. I’m sure it is to some extent.

 

[CdnCarrie]

Or else it's the purest form of gift-grab out there. A bridal shower is the one event where there's absolutely no pretense that it's about anything other than giving/receiving gifts. Those of us who attend are doing so because of our fond intentions towards the bride. What difference does it make who hosts it?

Did I say I cared?

Just pointing out that use to be the etiquette norm.
I didn’t write the rule of that time- the Emily Posts of the world did. I just recall my mom telling me this “rule” back 40 years ago.

And yes as a bridesmaid I did help pay for showers. But they were casual house ones so not that expensive.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Or else it's the purest form of gift-grab out there. A bridal shower is the one event where there's absolutely no pretense that it's about anything other than giving/receiving gifts. Those of us who attend are doing so because of our fond intentions towards the bride. What difference does it make who hosts it?

Yes, and not only is it openly about receiving gifts, it’s also one of the few (only?) circumstances where it’s considered acceptable to tell your guests exactly what to buy for you. Which brings me to another thought… Give me two minutes to post a spin-off thread.

 

[AnnaS]

Did you say "thousands" ?!? For a shower? I'm fainting...

You should see/google - what "sweet tables"/"decorative table" at events (baby showers/bridal showers, 1st birthdays, sweet 16) can look like and how much this alone can cost - depending on how much money/extreme one wants to be. Some people are pretty creative/have the time, know someone who bakes, etc. etc. make their own sweet table and can cut the cost. Now, not everyone has them but they are becoming very common.

Does everyone have these elaborate showers? No. Some have them in a party room, Knights of Columbus room, home and some will be more extravagant in a country club, catering hall, fancy or not as fancy restaurants. Some have buffet and some are 3 or 4 course meals. There are all kinds of places, budget for everyone.

We are just discussing here to give a wide range of possibilities. Again, it's what the person hosting can afford, wants to do, etc. Nothing is set in stone.

Today - men attend bridal and baby showers - all of them? No. But they are becoming common (here).

How does one usually know who is hosting the event? The way the invitation is worded or the return address but again, most of the time here, it is more or less the bride's mom. My friend has three kids. Two of them lived out of state (one male and one female wedding). My friend gave a bridal shower here for the son at home so her part of the family could celebrate (the bride came here of course) and same now for the daughter. She is hosting her daughter's bridal shower and soon they will leave for a small bridal shower the mother of the groom is giving at the groom's state. It's a celebration/tradition.

My two daughter-in-laws and my daughter did not want baby showers. Everyone saying, "why not" "everyone has one" Right or wrong? We respected their wishes.

I love to hear and love to attend different parties from different cultures/traditions and out of state. Some celebrate the same, some similar and some different. I enjoy and accept whatever is presented in front of me.

 

[ronandannette]

You should see/google - what "sweet tables"/"decorative table" at events (baby showers/bridal showers, 1st birthdays, sweet 16) can look like and how much this alone can cost - depending on how much money/extreme one wants to be. Some people are pretty creative/have the time, know someone who bakes, etc. etc. make their own sweet table and can cut the cost. Now, not everyone has them but they are becoming very common.

Does everyone have these elaborate showers? No. Some have them in a party room, Knights of Columbus room, home and some will be more extravagant in a country club, catering hall, fancy or not as fancy restaurants. Some have buffet and some are 3 or 4 course meals. There are all kinds of places, budget for everyone.

We are just discussing here to give a wide range of possibilities. Again, it's what the person hosting can afford, wants to do, etc. Nothing is set in stone.

Today - men attend bridal and baby showers - all of them? No. But they are becoming common (here).

How does one usually know who is hosting the event? The way the invitation is worded or the return address but again, most of the time here, it is more or less the bride's mom. My friend has three kids. Two of them lived out of state (one male and one female wedding). My friend gave a bridal shower here for the son at home so her part of the family could celebrate (the bride came here of course) and same now for the daughter. She is hosting her daughter's bridal shower and soon they will leave for a small bridal shower the mother of the groom is giving at the groom's state. It's a celebration/tradition.

My two daughter-in-laws and my daughter did not want baby showers. Everyone saying, "why not" "everyone has one" Right or wrong? We respected their wishes.

I love to hear and love to attend different parties from different cultures/traditions and out of state. Some celebrate the same, some similar and some different. I enjoy and accept whatever is presented in front of me.

It is definitely very interesting! It sounds like the “party/celebration” aspect is much more prominent in your events. Here (or more aptly put, in my family and social circles) bridal and baby showers harken back to the simple idea of equipping the new couple’s home with practical gifts. There is a little bit of a trend towards “couples’ showers” but honestly, it’s not really taken off. It’s a woman’s rite-of-passage and what guy really wants to sit around sipping tea and oooh and ahh over tea towels while Great Aunt Martha dishes out relationship advice? I guess an open bar and professionally catered sweets table would make it a little more bearable.

Did I say I cared?

Just pointing out that use to be the etiquette norm.
I didn’t write the rule of that time- the Emily Posts of the world did. I just recall my mom telling me this “rule” back 40 years ago.

And yes as a bridesmaid I did help pay for showers. But they were casual house ones so not that expensive.

Ah, Carrie...you never disappoint. I didn’t quote you - no need to defend yourself to me.

 

[lifesavacation]

So who pays for these big meals? Do the guests pay for their meal?

I threw my DIL‘s shower and paid for everything. If it had been smaller, I would have hosted at my house. She ended up with over 75 people. I rented a cider and ale house with an open bar and did a large charcuterie spread.

I was kinda blown away that it was so large, and it did get expensive. But everyone had a great time and the shower allowed me to meet all her family and friends before the wedding. Made the mingling easier.

 

[lifesavacation]

Did you say "thousands" ?!? For a shower? I'm fainting...

I almost fainted too when I calculated the cost of my DIL’s shower. Definitely in the “thousands” range. The good news is I ended up spending less on the shower than the rehearsal dinner with 100 guests

My daughter is engaged and is planning a micro wedding (under 25 people including wedding party), thankfully. These really big weddings with elaborate showers and parties are, IMO, a bit much.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I almost fainted too when I calculated the cost of my DIL’s shower. Definitely in the “thousands” range. The good news is I ended up spending less on the shower than the rehearsal dinner with 100 guests

My daughter is engaged and is planning a micro wedding (under 25 people including wedding party), thankfully. These really big weddings with elaborate showers and parties are, IMO, a bit much.

wow 100 people! How big was the bridal party?

Up here the rehearsal dinner is just the bridal party. Usually held at the groom's parents home or maybe a restaurant.
So the couple, their parents, attendants and maybe their partners - maybe 15 people in total depending on how many in the bridal party. Oh I guess add in any siblings if not in the party.

 

[lifesavacation]

wow 100 people! How big was the bridal party?

Up here the rehearsal dinner is just the bridal party. Usually held at the groom's parents home or maybe a restaurant.
So the couple, their parents, attendants and maybe their partners - maybe 15 people in total depending on how many in the bridal party. Oh I guess add in any siblings if not in the party.

Bridal party was 10 plus 2 additional flower girls and then the bride and groom.

I was surprised about how many wanted to come. I set a 100 person max. I rented an outdoor location at a golf course. There was an open bar, buffet dinner, and dessert (including a fire pit with s'mores). And I also paid for guests to use the mini golf that was on site. My husband asked not to know how much we paid, and I most definitely wasn't going to tell him if I didn't have to. It was a fun night, but really excessive.

Our relationship still hasn't recovered from my other son's wedding and his wife's demands during the wedding planning. We were way more cautious about saying anything this time around and didn't set as many limits.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Or else it's the purest form of gift-grab out there. A bridal shower is the one event where there's absolutely no pretense that it's about anything other than giving/receiving gifts. Those of us who attend are doing so because of our fond intentions towards the bride. What difference does it make who hosts it?

Yeah whooo hooooo GREEDY MEE!!!! PLEASE BUY ME FORKS AND A BATHROOM MAT!!!!!

But honestly my take on the "who hosts" likely goes back to the good old, somewhat snobby european roots of our country. I am also mid 50's like another poster mentioned and it was considered rude around here in NJ for the brides family to host because THEN it somewhat came off as some gift grab. @@

This hasn't been done like that in decades for me though. Things are no longer like that and now brides have multiple showers depending on who feels like doing what. Mom throws one, work throws one, sometimes friends throw their own.. It's gotten crazy but whatever new couples need these days I am happy to help. It's just awful now.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

You should see/google - what "sweet tables"/"decorative table" at events (baby showers/bridal showers, 1st birthdays, sweet 16) can look like and how much this alone can cost - depending on how much money/extreme one wants to be. Some people are pretty creative/have the time, know someone who bakes, etc. etc. make their own sweet table and can cut the cost. Now, not everyone has them but they are becoming very common.

Does everyone have these elaborate showers? No. Some have them in a party room, Knights of Columbus room, home and some will be more extravagant in a country club, catering hall, fancy or not as fancy restaurants. Some have buffet and some are 3 or 4 course meals. There are all kinds of places, budget for everyone.

We are just discussing here to give a wide range of possibilities. Again, it's what the person hosting can afford, wants to do, etc. Nothing is set in stone.

Today - men attend bridal and baby showers - all of them? No. But they are becoming common (here).

How does one usually know who is hosting the event? The way the invitation is worded or the return address but again, most of the time here, it is more or less the bride's mom. My friend has three kids. Two of them lived out of state (one male and one female wedding). My friend gave a bridal shower here for the son at home so her part of the family could celebrate (the bride came here of course) and same now for the daughter. She is hosting her daughter's bridal shower and soon they will leave for a small bridal shower the mother of the groom is giving at the groom's state. It's a celebration/tradition.

My two daughter-in-laws and my daughter did not want baby showers. Everyone saying, "why not" "everyone has one" Right or wrong? We respected their wishes.

I love to hear and love to attend different parties from different cultures/traditions and out of state. Some celebrate the same, some similar and some different. I enjoy and accept whatever is presented in front of me.

The only way I can kind of guess who hosted is by who you send your RSVP to but even then it was most likely a group effort and that person is taking care of the RSVPs.

Showers can get pricey and it is a lot for one person to host. I don't think I have ever been to a shower that was hosted by only one person. It has always been a group effort.

 

[mjkacmom]

Yeah whooo hooooo GREEDY MEE!!!! PLEASE BUY ME FORKS AND A BATHROOM MAT!!!!!

But honestly my take on the "who hosts" likely goes back to the good old, somewhat snobby european roots of our country. I am also mid 50's like another poster mentioned and it was considered rude around here in NJ for the brides family to host because THEN it somewhat came off as some gift grab. @@

This hasn't been done like that in decades for me though. Things are no longer like that and now brides have multiple showers depending on who feels like doing what. Mom throws one, work throws one, sometimes friends throw their own.. It's gotten crazy but whatever new couples need these days I am happy to help. It's just awful now.

My mom threw it, my maid of honor lived in IL, my bridesmaids lived in Nebraska, Ohio, michigan, NJ, and flower girl was in HI. I was 28, folks here usually marry in their 30’s, their friends/bridal party can be scattered all over, very hard to plan a party. Times have changed.