Baby Problem

[LiveYourLife]

OP, my honest opinion? I would move. It sounds like this is an unhealthy situation for EVERYONE. If you move, hopefully it would force the baby's mother to step up and actually be a MOTHER.


That poor baby.

 

[disneyfav4ever]

My heart is breaking for this baby. He is being left alone in a crib in the dark because his mother wants some time for herself? That's something you give up when you have children.

OP, why do you think it is okay to just leave the baby screaming? What does the mother think--surely she isn't so heartless that she doesn't mind a hysterical baby just so she can go to the store.

Where is the father?

Why did I think it was okay? Because I had already had her out for over an hour trying to calm her and I didn't think I was doing some horrible thing by putting her in her crib.

What kinds or errands is this mother doing where she needs to be gone so long???

I take my 7 month with me on most errands...bank, grocery store, buying clothes, has station, etc. If someone was doing me a favor by watching her, I think I'd be gone for an hour max unless the the sitter was enthusiastic and the baby was happy.

Sent from my iPad using DISBoards

Most of the time Mama's gone it's not for more than two hours. The nine hour instance was a one time thing, she had to go to Philly for something, and about half of that time was travel time and unavoidable.

The other long time, though it wasn't nearly as long as that is when Mama ended up at the dentist for three hours. That was the other day when I resorted to putting her in her crib. That is the one and only time I've been alone with the baby that I've put her in the crib for more than a few minutes. That obviously didn't work.

She doesn't understand life enough to know to miss her mother (except at the initial handoff) she is crying because her needs are not being met, she's hungry, tired, bored, something! Babies are body language experts, if you are frustrated & holding her- she can sense that- this leading to crying, Please understand the reason she is abruptly crying is NOT because she misses her mother. They do not have the cognitive reasoning yet to random start crying specifically because they miss someone's presence. Start looking at it this way- might help you figure out why she is crying.

This article is from a highly regarded early childhood education group https://www.naeyc.org/files/yc/file/200709/Gonzalez-Mena.pdf

I always feed, change diapers, etc, when Mama's not home. She always starts crying while we're playing or something. She goes from perfectly happy one second to screaming baby the next.

I remember the separation anxiety issues with our first at 7 months. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without him melting down. It's a phase they go through and "mama" needs to adjust things until this passes and they're on to another stage.

I do believe that this is one of the reasons kids ideally have 2 parents...... so that when you just can't take it a moment longer, you have someone close by who loves that little creature every bit as much as you do.

OP, I hope "mama" is doing something really nice in return for you providing this regular break to her.

As others have said though, putting the baby in the crib works great for a bit to regain your composure....... but not as an answer to an ongoing problem. And never for periods of time like you mentioned.

I'm curious what "mama" says when you say the baby just keeps crying. Is she the one who said to just put him in the crib? Asking for advice on a message board about someone else's baby just strikes me as odd.

If don't get why it's odd? I'm asking for advice as a caretaker to this child.

I have read through this entire thread. Most of us agree that putting a crying baby in the crib for more than a few minutes isn't a good practice.
I think it is time to stop berating the OP,lest she just abandons this thread. We should be helping her with ideas and encouragement now, the point has been made.

OP, you are being very nice to your friend. Some babies have a very hard time with anything out of their routine, even smells, touches, sounds. The baby needs to feel secure even when her mother is not there. You should be easing her into the time away from Mom, practice when Mom is in the home. Watch her signals, does she like to be held or maybe just likes to be within eyesight. Keep at it, it will get better.

Thank you! I truly am just looking for some advice or suggestions.

You and the mother both should horrible for this child. You know she hates the crib yet you put her in it when she starts to cry? And then she keeps crying? Shocker! And if the mother is ok with this treatment then she doesn't deserve to be a mother.

And for the love of god, stop using Mama! You are 30 years old and it's not even your 'mama'. It's the baby's mother or the baby's mom, not mama.

Wow. You don't know me or mama at all.

Bluntly: your roommate is, from your description, a terrible mother and extremely selfish. It is totally unfair to her child and to any caregivers (you, the aunt, etc) to leave a child who is so easily distressed and so difficult to sooth for reasons other than required work and cannot be put off doctor's appointments. Running errands (especially for 9 hours) is not a valid reason to put you or her baby through this--even if you were capable of trying to sooth and care for the baby throughout the time, much less with you isolating the baby in an enviornment she hates for half the time you are alone with her.

The fact that your roommate has allowed both you and her sister to treat her child like this is unconscionable . That she allows it for no other reason than to enjoy some errand running on her own is even worse. Stop enabling her to mistreat her child and tell her that you cannot care for the baby for her.

Like I told the PP, you don't know me or mama at all.

Gosh, this is getting hard to read.
It reminds me that people mistreat their tiny ones all the time and I can't do a thing about it.
As a 30yo women, I cannot believe that you could not deduce that leaving a tiny baby crying in her crib for an hour and half was not a good thing. It doesn't matter if you check in on her. Really? Oh my word. My heart is actually aching. Let her cry in your arms. Continue to comfort her.
The only time she should go into the crib is if she is sleeping or if you are at an unhealthy wits end and feel you will harm her if you don't get a 5 minute break.

Unfortunately, she is now most likely associating her mother leaving with your neglectful care of her. She is expecting that mama leaves, and I am confused, scared and cry in my crib. So, she cries knowing what is coming for her and not knowing when it will be over.
She has no concept of time. If she eventually stops crying in her crib, it's because she as disconnected herself and lost hope. She knows no one will take her out to comfort her. You have damaged her trust.
She has no ability to connect what you are doing. She cannot "fix" herself. She is not able to join, "I'm crying and so she puts me in my crib until I stop." There is no way for her to mentally do that. She does not have the developmental ability. I'm just so sad for her.

And with what you are saying about the aunt.. I just cannot believe the disrespect people have for children. Just imagine yourself in her same feelings and situations.

The bashing for her mother should stop until we know the facts. For all we know the mother has no idea of how bad it is for her baby.

Again it was only the last time Mama left that she was put in the crib, not any time before that, at least not for more than a few minutes, so she can't associate Mama leaving with getting the crib.

OP, my honest opinion? I would move. It sounds like this is an unhealthy situation for EVERYONE. If you move, hopefully it would force the baby's mother to step up and actually be a MOTHER.


That poor baby.

I don't think our living situation is relevant, but it's "my" apartment. If someone moved it would be Mama and baby, and I don't think that would be doing anyone any favors.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Like I told the PP, you don't know me or mama at all.

True, as I pointed out, my opinion is based on what YOU have chosen to report here. The information you have provided is of a selfish mother who has repeatedly left a baby she knows to be inconsolable in her absence with people she knows leave the child alone in a crib for prolonged times rather than continuing to offer comfort to her distressed child.

You asked for advice and you provided the information upon which to base our advice--IMO the best advice for you is to tell you that you are clearly incapable of properly caring for this child and should stop doing so. I am sorry that this sounds harsh and that you do not like the opinion, but it is certainly less harsh than leaving a 7 month old screaming alone in a crib for an hour and a half.

I was an only child with no younger cousins who did not grow up around babies but I knew better than to treat an infant that way as a 13 year old babysitter. If you, as an adult cannot see how wrong that is, you should not be caring for a child.

 

[java]

Can you take her outside? Distraction is a wonderful thing. Going out or a walk might really help. Babies pushed in a stroller seem to be ok with whoever pushing it.
This is a phase and it shall pass. You just have to get through it. It's nice of you to try to give your roommate a break.

 

[mom2rtk]

If don't get why it's odd? I'm asking for advice as a caretaker to this child.

It's odd because the first step should be to tell the baby's mother about the issue. And she should be the one to solve the problem. Once she heard that the baby could not be calmed, she should be saying that she will stop leaving the baby (except for emergencies) for a while until the baby gets over this phase. She should be the one saying "oh my, please don't leave the baby in the crib for 30 minutes at a time". Not strangers on an internet board.

 

[Skywalker]

So, is your roommate's actual given name "Mama" then? That is the only thing that makes sense because by constantly calling her that you are starting to sound extremely creepy.

 

[JanaDee]

Is this baby your sibling? That is the only non-creepy reason why I can think of why you continue to call the mother Mama.

 

[disneyfav4ever]

I it's odd how so many of you are focused on me referring to her as mama. I'm just calling her that because that's what I call her when I talk to the baby, and I'm not going to use her real name on a public message board.

 

[NewRVLady]

Why did

I don't think our living situation is relevant, but it's "my" apartment. If someone moved it would be Mama and baby, and I don't think that would be doing anyone any favors.

Besides baby, I feel sorry for those in apartments near you, having to hear a baby cry for endless periods of time. Honestly if I kept hearing that, I'd confront you.

I was a stay at home Mom and never left baby with a sitter. I would haul baby in baby seat if I had an appointment, even Doctor's. it sounds as if she goes a lot.

 

[mom2rtk]

Besides baby, I feel sorry for those in apartments near you, having to hear a baby cry for endless periods of time. Honestly if I kept hearing that, I'd confront you.

Oh my, how could I have missed that piece of it? There was a baby in the next room on our last Disney trip who cost me some sleep. I can't even imagine living next door to all that screaming.

 

[RadioNate]

I it's odd how so many of you are focused on me referring to her as mama. I'm just calling her that because that's what I call her when I talk to the baby, and I'm not going to use her real name on a public message board.

What's odd is using "mama" as a proper noun as if it's the woman's name.

Saying 'I was speaking to the baby's mother' wouldn't be weird. Saying 'I was speaking to mama' especially when it isn't your mother sounds creepy. You don't see that?

 

[disneyfav4ever]

Besides baby, I feel sorry for those in apartments near you, having to hear a baby cry for endless periods of time. Honestly if I kept hearing that, I'd confront you.

I was a stay at home Mom and never left baby with a sitter. I would haul baby in baby seat if I had an appointment, even Doctor's. it sounds as if she goes a lot.

I honestly don't think the crying is noticeable to the neighbors.

What's odd is using "mama" as a proper noun as if it's the woman's name.

Saying 'I was speaking to the baby's mother' wouldn't be weird. Saying 'I was speaking to mama' especially when it isn't your mother sounds creepy. You don't see that?

For the context of this conversation, no, I don't think it's strange how I'm referring to her as mama.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Why did I think it was okay? Because I had already had her out for over an hour trying to calm her and I didn't think I was doing some horrible thing by putting her in her crib.

Most of the time Mama's gone it's not for more than two hours. The nine hour instance was a one time thing, she had to go to Philly for something, and about half of that time was travel time and unavoidable.

The other long time, though it wasn't nearly as long as that is when Mama ended up at the dentist for three hours. That was the other day when I resorted to putting her in her crib. That is the one and only time I've been alone with the baby that I've put her in the crib for more than a few minutes. That obviously didn't work.

I always feed, change diapers, etc, when Mama's not home. She always starts crying while we're playing or something. She goes from perfectly happy one second to screaming baby the next.

If don't get why it's odd? I'm asking for advice as a caretaker to this child.

Thank you! I truly am just looking for some advice or suggestions.

Wow. You don't know me or mama at all.

Like I told the PP, you don't know me or mama at all.

Again it was only the last time Mama left that she was put in the crib, not any time before that, at least not for more than a few minutes, so she can't associate Mama leaving with getting the crib.

I don't think our living situation is relevant, but it's "my" apartment. If someone moved it would be Mama and baby, and I don't think that would be doing anyone any favors.

Didn't you say the baby's aunt used to do it?

 

[disneyfav4ever]

Didn't you say the baby's aunt used to do it?

It was only one time with me. And I also kept the door open and the lights on when I put her down.

 

[Liberty Belle]

It was only one time with me. And I also kept the door open and the lights on when I put her down.

Well, but she's not smart enough yet, to think, "Oh, this isn't my aunt. She won't shut the door and leave me alone in the dark."

It's completely obvious that you do not mean to harm the baby and you were doing what you thought was best, but I hope you see now that there are other things you should be doing to helping her out.

I may have missed it, but did you say WHY you'd put her in her crib when she's crying? Did/do you see it as a relief for you? A form of punishment/discipline? To help calm her down?

 

[disneyfav4ever]

Well, but she's not smart enough yet, to think, "Oh, this isn't my aunt. She won't shut the door and leave me alone in the dark."

It's completely obvious that you do not mean to harm the baby and you were doing what you thought was best, but I hope you see now that there are other things you should be doing to helping her out.

I may have missed it, but did you say WHY you'd put her in her crib when she's crying? Did/do you see it as a relief for you? A form of punishment/discipline? To help calm her down?

Mostly to see if it would calm her at all, or if she'd go back to sleep. That was also the only time mama had left her in the morning, so that was also different for us.

 

[MIGrandma]

And for the love of god, stop using Mama! You are 30 years old and it's not even your 'mama'. It's the baby's mother or the baby's mom, not mama.

On vacation, using my kindle so had to scroll over to see who posted this.

Why are some of you so irritated over what the OP calls the baby's mother? . Good grief!!

If I were the OP I would just tell the roommate I couldn't watch the baby any longer, putting the crying baby in her crib to continue crying for a long period of time isn't good for either the baby or the OP.

 

[JanaDee]

I honestly don't think the crying is noticeable to the neighbors.

For the context of this conversation, no, I don't think it's strange how I'm referring to her as mama.

In an apartment building, if your neighbors are home during the day, I can say with 100% certainty they notice the crying.

 

[LiveYourLife]

OP, why do you continue to dig your heels in and make excuses for what you are doing to that poor child? If I didn't know any better I'd swear you were related to another poster that does the same thing (ie: make excuses for their behavior when they ask for advice on the DIS)!

It is not OK to put a screaming baby in a crib for long periods of time - meaning anything over 5 to 10 minutes! Doesn't matter if the lights are on, lights are off, door is open, door is closed, you check on her, you don't check on her, the aunt does it, the mother does it, the Pope does it, you hang from the ceiling fan to act like a mobile, etc, etc, etc.

Good gravy! I don't have kids, but I have enough grey matter to know that what is happening with this baby is not right!

You have had lots of Parents give you wonderful and HEALTHY advice in this thread. Take it! If you can't tell your roommate that you cannot watch her baby anymore, then stop making excuses and change your behaviors when you
watch this poor baby.

I swear it burns my biscuits when I hear of people doing crappy things to kids and animals!!!

 

[Ceila]

OP, why do you continue to dig your heels in and make excuses for what you are doing to that poor child? If I didn't know any better I'd swear you were related to another poster that does the same thing (ie: make excuses for their behavior when they ask for advice on the DIS)!

I went back and checked, because I had the same thought. Yup, one and the same. This poster has a long history of asking for advice and then finding every excuse under the sun why it won't work.