Baby Problem

[cabanafrau]

Is there any commonality as to what triggers baby to meltdown? Amount of time before it begins? Time of day it begins? Does it happen when she's hungry? Does the trigger always occur when you're otherwise occupied, if so what are you doing, is it always the same thing?

 

[disneyfav4ever]

I apologize in advance for being OT, but I've held out as long as I can -- why do you post all the books in your signature? I've never seen that done before.

To be clear, I'm not into the whole signature thing to begin with, but I'm used to the trips/resorts/cruises/ships thing by now. I just can't let the books go without asking & I apologize if that seems rude.

DIS Reading Challenge

 

[aaarcher86]

This kid might start crying because her mom is gone, but she keeps crying because she tossed into the crib. You've got to keep her out and try to distract, play, and care for her. It will be painful for a little but, but she'll figure out mom is coming back and you're going to have fun together.

Right now she just associates mom leaving with getting stuck in her crib all day. I'd cry too. She's not going to change if you keep doing the same thing.

 

[Poohforyou]

Op, have you ever heard of attachment disorder? It's caused by long term extreme neglect. I wouldn't classify what you're doing as extreme but it most certainly is neglectful.

Does the mother have access to some experienced nurturing mothers she can turn to for help? The fact that the mother doesn't see anything wrong with what you're doing is more concerning than your actions. If she doesn't have anyone to turn to she should look into a parenting class for babies and toddlers. Heck, read a book about child development.

 

[cluvsdisney]

OP - Just out of curiosity, how old are you? If that's being too nosy, you don't have to answer! However, is this your first time being around a baby?

I agree w/ others that leaving a 7 month old baby alone & crying for an hour & 1/2 is just not good at all - for her emotional development, her sense of security, etc.

That said, like others have also said, there are worse things you could do than leaving a baby alone in his/her crib - if you're leaving the baby in her crib for your sanity & to avoid reacting to the baby's cries in frustration and anger, then, yes, you need to leave the baby in the crib.

However, if that's the case, then you need to discuss the situation w/ the baby's mother & tell her that you taking care of the baby for extended periods of time (like over an hour) is not going to work.

As a mother, I would not want my baby left alone in her crib crying, & my heart hurts for this baby.

Anyway, if you're honestly looking for ideas to help the baby not cry & to learn better ways in which to stop the crying...

Redirect! You said the baby will be playing & then come over to you, pull up, & start crying. Try to stop the crying before it starts. When you see she's getting fussy, pick her up for a moment & cuddle her to reassure her & then redirect to a fun new activity - something that she doesn't do all the time, so it has a level of "newness" for her.

Is she sitting up on her own yet? Put some water in a shallow plastic bin w/ some toys & let her sit in front of the bin & have some water play - DO NOT LEAVE HER ALONE W/ THE WATER!

Babies love to empty boxes. Give her a box of tissues & let her pull the tissues out. Put several small items (but NOT small enough to be choking hazards) in a box & let her empty the box. Don't make all the items toys - put some regular household items in the box - spatula, plastic cup, remote control, keys, brightly colored things, etc. The more "new-to-her" items, the more fun!

Give her some pots & pans & spoons from the kitchen.

At 7 months old, is she eating small finger foods yet? At the first sign of fussiness, give her a small bowl of Cheerios. There used to be a baby in our church nursery who was very fussy & would cry a lot for his mother, & I swear we'd keep him occupied for the entire hour just by feeding him little bits of Cheerios.

Put her in a small stroller & stroll her around the house.

Put some shaving cream or some other squishy kind of material in a gallon-size Ziplock bag - make sure it's closed & then let her squish it w/ her fingers.

If she's crying, try carrying her around to all the windows & letting her look outside.

Baby Einstein videos are also great. Also, while she's playing, have some background music playing to help maintain a calm environment - a kids' CD or classical music.

And, remember, at this age, babies don't really play by themselves and/or occupy themselves for very long - at least mine never did! And a baby's attention span is short too. So you can't expect the baby to play quietly by herself the entire time her mother is gone. You're going to have help her get started playing w/ an activity or watching a DVD or whatever & then be ready to redirect her to something else when she's done playing or starts to get fussy.

These are great suggestions! My niece was a like this and a few of the things that helped were:

showing her pictures - my sister had a bunch on the fridge and I would just point out everyone...there's mommy, daddy, etc.

She liked looking in the mirror.

The sound of water running helped sometimes.

Nothing worked long term but I would rotate different activities and eventually she settled down.


But if you're not able to soothe her and she just cries non-stop like that, her mother needs to stay with her. It's not fair to you and it's especially not fair to the baby.

 

[disneyfav4ever]

OP - Just out of curiosity, how old are you? If that's being too nosy, you don't have to answer! However, is this your first time being around a baby?

I'm 30. It's my first time living with a baby, which is a whole different level than just babysitting.

Is there any commonality as to what triggers baby to meltdown? Amount of time before it begins? Time of day it begins? Does it happen when she's hungry? Does the trigger always occur when you're otherwise occupied, if so what are you doing, is it always the same thing?

She's better later in the day, morning she seems to miss Mama more. I'm always holding her or playing with her until the crying starts.

This kid might start crying because her mom is gone, but she keeps crying because she tossed into the crib. You've got to keep her out and try to distract, play, and care for her. It will be painful for a little but, but she'll figure out mom is coming back and you're going to have fun together.

Right now she just associates mom leaving with getting stuck in her crib all day. I'd cry too. She's not going to change if you keep doing the same thing.

Nope, because the crib is a new thing for me to do to her. Her aunt used to do the same thing though, and would turn off the lights and shut the door, so maybe she has some resentment of her crib from that. She hates the crib 24/7 though, even at nap and bed time.

 

[Hannathy]

She hates the crib 24/7 though, even at nap and bed time.

Well good Lord wouldn't you!!!!


That poor thing, Gee wouldn't you cry if the guards were throwing you into the torture chamber?

 

[allegoricduck]

Well good Lord wouldn't you!!!! That poor thing, Gee wouldn't you cry if the guards were throwing you into the torture chamber?

My heart is breaking for this baby. He is being left alone in a crib in the dark because his mother wants some time for herself? That's something you give up when you have children.

OP, why do you think it is okay to just leave the baby screaming? What does the mother think--surely she isn't so heartless that she doesn't mind a hysterical baby just so she can go to the store.

Where is the father?

 

[scrapquitler]

OP here's an idea (which worked with my DD who had separation anxiety when I left her). Have Mom wear a t-shirt against her skin for an entire day and then give it to you for when you are babysitting. When baby starts to get restless and agitated, put the baby in a sling or a carrier like a baby bjorn and wrap that t-shirt or a towel that smells like Mom around her. Go about your business doing whatever you would normally be doing, wearing baby close to you in the carrier/sling and with that t-shirt next to baby's skin. The smell of Mom and the closeness of being carried in the carrrier should be very calming and soothing to her. And you can still do a lot of the stuff that you would normally do.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

What kinds or errands is this mother doing where she needs to be gone so long???

I take my 7 month with me on most errands...bank, grocery store, buying clothes, has station, etc. If someone was doing me a favor by watching her, I think I'd be gone for an hour max unless the the sitter was enthusiastic and the baby was happy.

Sent from my iPad using DISBoards

 

[ChitownFamily]

I'm 30. It's my first time living with a baby, which is a whole different level than just babysitting.

She's better later in the day, morning she seems to miss Mama more. I'm always holding her or playing with her until the crying starts.

Nope, because the crib is a new thing for me to do to her. Her aunt used to do the same thing though, and would turn off the lights and shut the door, so maybe she has some resentment of her crib from that. She hates the crib 24/7 though, even at nap and bed time.

She doesn't understand life enough to know to miss her mother (except at the initial handoff) she is crying because her needs are not being met, she's hungry, tired, bored, something! Babies are body language experts, if you are frustrated & holding her- she can sense that- this leading to crying, Please understand the reason she is abruptly crying is NOT because she misses her mother. They do not have the cognitive reasoning yet to random start crying specifically because they miss someone's presence. Start looking at it this way- might help you figure out why she is crying.

This article is from a highly regarded early childhood education group https://www.naeyc.org/files/yc/file/200709/Gonzalez-Mena.pdf

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm 30. It's my first time living with a baby, which is a whole different level than just babysitting.

She's better later in the day, morning she seems to miss Mama more. I'm always holding her or playing with her until the crying starts.

Nope, because the crib is a new thing for me to do to her. Her aunt used to do the same thing though, and would turn off the lights and shut the door, so maybe she has some resentment of her crib from that. She hates the crib 24/7 though, even at nap and bed time.

Ugh, sorry, but if you know she hates her crib, why are you putting her in there to sooth her? Only put her in the crib if you're getting super frustrated, like you think you might hurt her frustrated.

 

[mom2rtk]

I remember the separation anxiety issues with our first at 7 months. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without him melting down. It's a phase they go through and "mama" needs to adjust things until this passes and they're on to another stage.

I do believe that this is one of the reasons kids ideally have 2 parents...... so that when you just can't take it a moment longer, you have someone close by who loves that little creature every bit as much as you do.

OP, I hope "mama" is doing something really nice in return for you providing this regular break to her.

As others have said though, putting the baby in the crib works great for a bit to regain your composure....... but not as an answer to an ongoing problem. And never for periods of time like you mentioned.

I'm curious what "mama" says when you say the baby just keeps crying. Is she the one who said to just put him in the crib? Asking for advice on a message board about someone else's baby just strikes me as odd.

 

[dazedx3]

I have read through this entire thread. Most of us agree that putting a crying baby in the crib for more than a few minutes isn't a good practice.
I think it is time to stop berating the OP,lest she just abandons this thread. We should be helping her with ideas and encouragement now, the point has been made.

OP, you are being very nice to your friend. Some babies have a very hard time with anything out of their routine, even smells, touches, sounds. The baby needs to feel secure even when her mother is not there. You should be easing her into the time away from Mom, practice when Mom is in the home. Watch her signals, does she like to be held or maybe just likes to be within eyesight. Keep at it, it will get better.

 

[dazedx3]

I'm wondering if the issue really is separation anxiety, 7 months is really very young to be this fearful of being separated. Usually it occurs this seriously more between 10-15 months.

Could it be more of a difference in the way or amount of holding? You mentioned be carried in a sling, could you try that, try to mimic Moms habits.

 

[sunnyday123]

I don't know about anyone else, but every time I read "Mama" all I think of is that creepy movie by the same name.

 

[mom2rtk]

I'm wondering if the issue really is separation anxiety, 7 months is really very young to be this fearful of being separated. Usually it occurs this seriously more between 10-15 months.

Could it be more of a difference in the way or amount of holding? You mentioned be carried in a sling, could you try that, try to mimic Moms habits.

I did the math again, and my son was around 8 months when he had his worst separation anxiety. I remember it vividly. Because it was not fun.

 

[wvjules]

You and the mother both should horrible for this child. You know she hates the crib yet you put her in it when she starts to cry? And then she keeps crying? Shocker! And if the mother is ok with this treatment then she doesn't deserve to be a mother.

And for the love of god, stop using Mama! You are 30 years old and it's not even your 'mama'. It's the baby's mother or the baby's mom, not mama.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Bluntly: your roommate is, from your description, a terrible mother and extremely selfish. It is totally unfair to her child and to any caregivers (you, the aunt, etc) to leave a child who is so easily distressed and so difficult to sooth for reasons other than required work and cannot be put off doctor's appointments. Running errands (especially for 9 hours) is not a valid reason to put you or her baby through this--even if you were capable of trying to sooth and care for the baby throughout the time, much less with you isolating the baby in an enviornment she hates for half the time you are alone with her.

The fact that your roommate has allowed both you and her sister to treat her child like this is unconscionable . That she allows it for no other reason than to enjoy some errand running on her own is even worse. Stop enabling her to mistreat her child and tell her that you cannot care for the baby for her.

 

[MistressMerryweather]

Gosh, this is getting hard to read.
It reminds me that people mistreat their tiny ones all the time and I can't do a thing about it.
As a 30yo women, I cannot believe that you could not deduce that leaving a tiny baby crying in her crib for an hour and half was not a good thing. It doesn't matter if you check in on her. Really? Oh my word. My heart is actually aching. Let her cry in your arms. Continue to comfort her.
The only time she should go into the crib is if she is sleeping or if you are at an unhealthy wits end and feel you will harm her if you don't get a 5 minute break.

Unfortunately, she is now most likely associating her mother leaving with your neglectful care of her. She is expecting that mama leaves, and I am confused, scared and cry in my crib. So, she cries knowing what is coming for her and not knowing when it will be over.
She has no concept of time. If she eventually stops crying in her crib, it's because she as disconnected herself and lost hope. She knows no one will take her out to comfort her. You have damaged her trust.
She has no ability to connect what you are doing. She cannot "fix" herself. She is not able to join, "I'm crying and so she puts me in my crib until I stop." There is no way for her to mentally do that. She does not have the developmental ability. I'm just so sad for her.

And with what you are saying about the aunt.. I just cannot believe the disrespect people have for children. Just imagine yourself in her same feelings and situations.

The bashing for her mother should stop until we know the facts. For all we know the mother has no idea of how bad it is for her baby.