Asking adult child to pay towards household expenses

[TwoMisfits]

So, if she's making $70K, she'd usually put 25% of her annual income towards housing.

So, that's $17.5K or about $1450/month. You are also covering utilities, water, trash and some food in that number.

Start charging it for August.

And if you feel bad, take 1/2 of the money and put it in I-bonds or another savings option (where it grows tax free). When she moves out, gift her back the money for part of the down payment on her house (you and your spouse will be able to gift $18K each to her in one year, so you could gift back $36K of rent she paid you when she needs it - so, you won't be hitting any limits very soon). Or gift it for a wedding.

 

[DonMacGregor]

Or gift it for a wedding.

“Here honey, for your wedding present were giving you back your rent money. Mom and Dad love you!”

 

[TwoMisfits]

“Here honey, for your wedding present were giving you back your rent money. Mom and Dad love you!”

She doesn't have to know it's her rent money. How would she unless told specifically (note, I think the parents should NOT tell her if they are saving 1/2 for her for later)?

It's just an offer from the parents when the child needs large life money. And it sounds like there are 2 possible occasions coming in the next few years where a large financial gift from parents would be highly welcome.

 

[DonMacGregor]

She doesn't have to know it's her rent money. How would she unless told specifically (note, I think the parents should NOT tell her if they are saving 1/2 for her for later)?

It's just an offer from the parents when the child needs large life money.

If you’re charging your child rent, then salting it away, then you don’t need it. If the concern is providing life lessons and helping your adult child to develop good financial habits, then counsel the child. Taking their money and saving for them isn’t teaching anything. What happens after that wedding or after that home is purchased? Who’s saving their money for them then, or do they just go cold-turkey?

 

[TwoMisfits]

If you’re charging your child rent, then salting it away, then you don’t need it. If the concern is providing life lessons and helping your child to develop good financial habits, then counsel the child. Taking their money and saving for them isn’t teaching anything. What happens after that wedding or after that home is purchased?

There isn't another wedding...nor another 1st house purchase. These are one-time (or should be) life costs.

And you are teaching your kid the lesson of what life costs with rent - 25% of income should be the goal. So charge it. If it's more than Op needs for herself to cover the costs of the child in the house, save it for the kid for later.

Win/win.

My kids know I'll be charging rent post-college after their 1st job is gotten (or 12 months later, whichever comes 1st). I fully plan on eventually gifting the rent back b/c I don't need it (and not waiting for probate to do that) - but they don't know that.

 

[brockash]

It is a she. Maybe someone figured that out from previous posts. She has been out of school and working for 3 years. Makes a little over 70k. Her accounts are still linked to mine. She has 15k between checking, savings, and a mm account. Her cc bills are 2-3k a month and she doesn’t have any bills that I am aware of. She has some friends and a boyfriend that work minimum wage jobs. She says they pay their way but I don’t believe it and she gets defensive. I don’t want to say to her that I know she’s pissing the money away because she gets mad. My husband and I are worried she will marry this guy who still lives at home and can’t keep a job. In the meantime I feel like I’m actually the one subsidizing these other grown adults. This has been going on since she turned 18 and started working so I don’t see how I’m going to change it. It’s good to hear from people not close to the situation. I know we all give a lot for our kids. I’m tired of giving a lot for other peoples kids. Maybe if I made her pay she would have less to spend on them. This situation sucks. I don’t know that having the “your friends are your friends because you pay for their good time” will help anymore now than it did in the past. Thanks for listening.

For not having any real bills, being 27 and making 70k a year; she should have WAY more than 15k in savings. I also think having 2-3k a month in cc bills is insane.

OP, the best thing for your daughter is to start having her pay. If you must, you could even put part of what she pays each month aside as a savings for her that you could give her when she buys a house or something. - This is certainly NOT required and I really feel, especially in your situation going way above and beyond, but that's still much better than what you have going on now.

I feel for you, I have a 22 year old and by far parenting a young adult child is my least favorite age lol.

 

[disneychrista]

My daughters paid rent from the time they graduated until they moved out. It was nominal at first but increases a couple times. Toward the end it was equal share of my mortgage and household expenses, just as if the remaining daughter were a roommate.

I didn’t rely on this money for day to day expenses because I knew they could move out and I’d be in a pickle. I saved the money and used it toward household improvements.

 

[Anthony1971]

Every parent wants to help their children.
I fully understand going out and enjoying the money she makes as most of us (or more) vaguely recall we learned a herd lesson paying for all where one quickly learns what a budget really is and the meaning of said a million times value of a dollar…..
Sounds to me your daughter could be living her on her own (could is really and Understatement in my mind but there may be more to the story)
She absolutely has a saving problem and with that is getting use to living the good life which she will NOT be able to afford on her own.
I would charge her sizable rent and maybe even back rent. You can easily put all or most in a savings account. There are plenty with low interest but a better idea is to take the interest as your own at the very least yes you will pay taxes…. But she may then be out 0. You can also only save some amount same concept as above. You can then decide if and when you gift her the money.
Yes it’s hard to see kids struggle a bit including having to cut a lifestyle…. But how else does one become a real adult not understanding living expenses come first and not the saying but actual doing it.

 

[LoveToDisney]

Treat this as the emergency situation it is.
Immediately get your financial accounts disconnected from each other. NO joint accounts, and don’t have her on any of your credit cards. Talk to your insurance agent to get her moved to her own policies. They will contact her and help her get the best rate.
One of my DH co-workers was connected to their young adult with finances/car insurance when their son had an unfortunate car accident with a friend in the car. The friend was seriously hurt and was in a coma, her parents were residing in another country and had to fly to the US, etc. It was very costly. Because the young adult was connected to the parents insurance policy, the parents were also sued and they lost all their savings, retirement AND their house. They literally had to start all over in their 50s. I know these people…not just heresay.

 

[mjkacmom]

So, if she's making $70K, she'd usually put 25% of her annual income towards housing.

So, that's $17.5K or about $1450/month. You are also covering utilities, water, trash and some food in that number.

Start charging it for August.

And if you feel bad, take 1/2 of the money and put it in I-bonds or another savings option (where it grows tax free). When she moves out, gift her back the money for part of the down payment on her house (you and your spouse will be able to gift $18K each to her in one year, so you could gift back $36K of rent she paid you when she needs it - so, you won't be hitting any limits very soon). Or gift it for a wedding.

$1450 is a little steep for renting a bedroom, even where I live (more like $1000 a bedroom in a shared house). My parents charged me rent when I graduated college (one year, then I moved), but didn’t charge me the amount of my own apartment.

 

[TwoMisfits]

$1450 is a little steep for renting a bedroom, even where I live (more like $1000 a bedroom in a shared house). My parents charged me rent when I graduated college (one year, then I moved), but didn’t charge me the amount of my own apartment.

From Google's AI...

"As of July 2024, the average rent for a one-bedroom apartment in the United States is $1,534 per month, which is a 0.7% increase from the previous year."

 

[mom2rtk]

I think it's funny now after reading on this thread that many replies here are from people with no children. Of course we're all entitled to our own opinions but someone who isn't a parent giving parenting advice is kind of like taking marital advice from a priest.
Everyone's a parenting expert until you actually become one.

I was always a better parent before I had kids.

 

[kdonnel]

From Google's AI...

"As of July 2024, the average rent for a one-bedroom apartment in the United States is $1,534 per month, which is a 0.7% increase from the previous year."

You got an average for a one bedroom apartment. I think the idea that $1450 is a little steep is when it is just renting a bedroom in a shared home.

My daughter rented a 5 bedroom home with 6 other people. Each bedrooms portion of the rent and utilities was only $750. She has since moved to a one bedroom and the rent and utilities are $1800. There is a big price difference between renting a room in a house and renting an entire one bedroom apartment.

 

[disneychrista]

You got an average for a one bedroom apartment. I think the idea that $1450 is a little steep is when it is just renting a bedroom in a shared home.

I think it comes a time when an adult child living at home is similar to a roommate. In such each person living in the home should share equally in the expenses.

How I figured out what rent to charge my daughter was I added up all the shared expenses and split in two. It was still much cheaper than what she would pay on her own.

 

[mjkacmom]

From Google's AI...

"As of July 2024, the average rent for a one-bedroom apartment in the United States is $1,534 per month, which is a 0.7% increase from the previous year."

Right, that’s for a one bedroom (my adult kids pay $2000 a month for their one bedroom apartments). But I wouldn’t charge them $2000 a month for a bedroom in our 5 bedroom home where they share space with several other people. My mortgage isn’t $10,000 a month.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

Anyone find themselves in this situation? I could use some advice on the right thing to do.

Well, the "right thing to do" is really totally up to you. We still have 2 adult children living in our house. While they were in college, we didn't take any "rent" payments. Once both were done and earning their own money, we asked that they contribute to the household expenses. We told them an amount we felt was acceptable. I'm not going to say how much, but it's really a very small stipend and they've both been prompt with payments monthly.

Our reasoning was, even if the cost to them was small, they'd get in the habit of being aware that living somewhere comes with a cost and paying for it is important.

They both purchase any groceries that aren't already in the pantry for their meals, or eat out, but 2 or 3 times a week I make dinner, and it's generally enough for everyone, if they want to participate. If not, I have leftovers.

They each have purchased a new vehicle on their own, and help with other chores around the house (yard work and such). They do their own laundry, and it's a bonus for us that we have someone living in the house when we take long RV trips since retirement.

 

[barkley]

$1450 is a little steep for renting a bedroom, even where I live (more like $1000 a bedroom in a shared house). My parents charged me rent when I graduated college (one year, then I moved), but didn’t charge me the amount of my own apartment.

but what is that 'rent' charge inclusive of? if it includes utilities, internet, streaming or satelite television services, use of no fee laundry facilities (and laundry products), cleaning products (and someone else maintaining the bulk of routine cleaning), use of a kitchen (and all the associated kitchenware), the protection of homeowners (vs. renters) insurance, an assigned parking space....it all adds up. we've not even looked at the cost of what is likely inclusive food and beverages.

we live in what i perceive as a farily affordable rental market and there are several complexes that do shared rentals where tenants are given a dedicated bedroom w/ it's own bathroom. there is a shared kitchen/living room/ in unit no fee washer & dryer. the minimum rent (before any of the extras i mentioned above) is $800 per person/aprox $75 per person for a guaranteed assigned parking place. add in utilties and internet and you are running close to $1000 per person. add in renter's insurance and it another $30 or so per month, cleaning and laundry products up that to about $50 per person. a couple of streaming or satelite services-bump the total per month up again.

before one iota of food or beverage is purchased the person is paying around $1150 per month. $300 dollars per month for 3 meals a day, snacks, all the ingredients to make a desired dish or a contribution to game night get together with friends (very popular among the late 20's/early 30 somethings in our neck of the woods )-that's a STEAL!!!!

i think discussions of how much is reasonable to charge an adult child needs to be transparant to the extent of what is inclusive of the charge. if the goal is to teach financial responsibility then it's not doing any good if the charges are far below the actual pro-rated cost (and let's be real here-a landlord is not only charging for their pro-rated cost, they are including a profit margin and will charge a late fee if the 'tenant' overspends on eating out, funding a friend's participation in, overindulges in using the credit cards...).

 

[jo-jo]

I typed too slow. PP made my point with other expenses.

 

[CGB]

Our adult children still live with us without paying rent. DH and I have always agreed this is their home and they are always welcome. I won't get into all of it, but our kids are fully employed, debt-free, responsible, considerate adults with great savings. When the right person or the right house at the right price comes along for both of them, they'll be gone. I'm just enjoying our multi-generational home until that happens.

That said, OP, I get your concerns. I have worried that someone would take advantage of our daughter financially. That definitely seems to be what is happening with your daughter. (Honestly, with that income and living at home, she should have a lot more saved.) If she won't listen to your concerns, I wouldn't feel bad about asking for her to contribute financially to the household; especially if your finances are strained by supporting her. She'll probably opt to move out, and I'd let her go. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to let our kids learn the hard lessons the hard way.

 

[DisneyHardin]

After not charging her rent for such a long time, I wouldn't present it to her as "I decided you should now pay rent" because she may think you are trying to get rid of her (unless you really do want her to just move out). Instead, I would "blame" it on inflation and present it as "As I'm sure you know, the price of everything has really gone up including our utilities, grocery bills, insurance, etc. It would really help out our household budget if you could give $xxx per month toward these expenses."