Asking adult child to pay towards household expenses

[abbyandangel]

I considered doing this since our Ally savings account is now paying 4.2% interest but then I'd have to declare the interest as income. They are in a lower tax bracket than we are. Maybe that's a moot point.


OP, I would have a good sit down with your dd to talk about future goals and budgeting. I've never used it, but a lot of people on the Dis talk about the YNAB app, (You Need A Budget) to help see where money goes. Maybe, in her mind, finishing college and getting a real job has been a goal for so long and now that it's done she can coast for a while and focus on having fun. I did that too in my 20s. Then after a year, my parents started charging me rent, $400/month in 1992. I was so mad and said, "For $500, I could have a whole apartment!" So I moved out.

Anyway, my point is, just because one huge goal is finished, doesn't mean there's no need to set future goals.

Hopefully she is saving a good amount toward retirement. The hospital where I work used to offer a pension but in the early 90s they also offered a tax-sheltered annuity. I was trying to calculate how much to put in per pay so I asked, How much would my pension be worth? They couldn't even give an estimate. They just say there are many variables. I said, Will it even pay my cable bill when I'm retired? No answers. Worthless as teets on a bull.
So I started saving with their tsa and when they eventually switched from pension to 403b, the funds all merged together.
Dh didn't start retirement accounts until after we were married; my account has a LOT more than his. Not quite double, but close to it. He saves 3x what I do and will never catch up. Time is on her side. Hopefully she understands that.

I did pretty much force her to start fully funding a Roth last year and at least contribute enough in the 401k to get the match. Her plan doesn’t have a lot of funds to choose from. I’m not a financial expert so I’m not sure that was the best approach but at least it got the retirement ball rolling.

 

[mom2rtk]

This is a problem of your own making. And it's long past time to fix it. It's hard, but it's necessary. You aren't really doing her any favors by letting it continue.

 

[unrequited23]

Our family of 4 moved in with my parents for what was supposed to be 3 weeks in-between the sale of our old house and the closing on our new house. It turned into 4 months due to discovering foundation issues with the house under contract and having to then find a new place to buy. We paid my parents $250 a month for any increase in utilities, alternated cooking dinner every night--including groceries, cleaned the house once a week and mowed the lawn. I still felt like we were taking advantage of their generosity.

 

[abbyandangel]

You’re all given me a lot to think about. My husband and I never went back home after college. We had trouble paying both student loans so he spent 4 years in the army under a student loan repayment program. We continued to pay on mine for years. We learned a lot of things the hard way but haven’t figured out the right way to launch our child. I didn’t have a great relationship with my mom so I think that affects my judgement. I worry about being a bad mom. Always have.

 

[fla4fun]

I love my DD and have put her first for 27 years. It doesn’t feel easy to solve. It hurts to think that her boyfriend is with her just because she can pay for everything.

I feel like this is separate from the rent issue. You can’t be afraid to talk to her about the rent because of her boyfriend. Her relationships are hers to figure out, whether they succeed or fail. The rent issue is about an adult who is not being independent and responsible. Yes, it’s going to rock the boat when you have this discussion. Yes, you might have to use some tough love. Yes, she may decide to move out, or move in with the boyfriend, which at 27 is her right to do. We can’t shield our kids from all the bad things in life. She needs the experience of standing on her own two feet now, while you are still around so she can ask questions and learn. If she doesn’t become independent now, it will be much harder for her in the long run when you are gone.

You’ve got this. You are not a bad mom. It’s time.

 

[mom2rtk]

I feel like this is separate from the rent issue. You can’t be afraid to talk to her about the rent because of her boyfriend. Her relationships are hers to figure out, whether they succeed or fail. The rent issue is about an adult who is not being independent and responsible. Yes, it’s going to rock the boat when you have this discussion. Yes, you might have to use some tough love. Yes, she may decide to move out, or move in with the boyfriend, which at 27 is her right to do. We can’t shield our kids from all the bad things in life. She needs the experience of standing on her own two feet now, while you are still around so she can ask questions and learn. If she doesn’t become independent now, it will be much harder for her in the long run when you are gone.

You’ve got this. You are not a bad mom. It’s time.

And coincidentally, she might not have as much to spend on the boyfriend once she moves out and starts paying her life expenses.

 

[BrianL]

I stayed at home while I was in college, but was pretty much espected to contribute to expenses as soon as I had a job. At first it was for things that I wanted and used - my own phone line, my car insurance/gas, part of the cable. My parents did not help with tuition but did help out with books sometimes. I certainly did not have a lot of extra money at that time. Once I graduated I took over more bills, though at this point I had a better job already which became permanent shortly after. I stayed until I bought my own house shortly after. I was very happy to contribute and still know it was a sweet deal. My mom would have never kicked me out or anything, but she made sure I was always pulling my weight.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

And coincidentally, she might not have as much to spend on the boyfriend once she moves out and starts paying her life expenses.

Yes. This also might help her see the light as she starts asking him to help and she realizes he won't.
That feeling gets old pretty fast.

 

[White Cat]

You’re all given me a lot to think about. My husband and I never went back home after college. We had trouble paying both student loans so he spent 4 years in the army under a student loan repayment program. We continued to pay on mine for years. We learned a lot of things the hard way but haven’t figured out the right way to launch our child. I didn’t have a great relationship with my mom so I think that affects my judgement. I worry about being a bad mom. Always have.

You aren’t being the best mum by letting her stay.

 

[abbyandangel]

I've read through a lot of this thread and have come to these conclusions:

(1) Your daughter is taking outrageous advantage of you and your generosity yet somehow you feel bad about asking her to contribute to household expenses even though she's able to purchase a brand-new car and spend thousands a month on whatever she wants.

(2) You are enabling your daughter's carefree spending habits--something that will not serve her well going forward, unless you intend to keep subsidizing her forever.

(3) Your daughter makes $70K/year, which is more than many entire families live on. Unless you live in Midtown Manhattan or San Francisco or central London, your daughter makes enough money to get her own place and still subsidize her low-earning boyfriend.

(4) You love your daughter and your daughter and you are not on the same page about how she spends her money. This is making it difficult for you to say or do anything about the situation.

You have a choice in this matter--maybe it's not easy to make or to implement, but you do have a choice. You can continue with the way things are or you can do something about it.

It's time you put yourself first. That doesn't mean you don't love your daughter. But take care of yourself.

Thank you. I was brought up to feel responsible and guilty for having my own needs. I wanted her to be brought up differently than I was. The problem is that here I am still feeling like it’s all on me. I think she and I both need to learn a new way of doing things.

 

[NYCgrrl]

I feel a bit weird asking for money so I can go on vacation.

How you both spend your discretionary funds is your business; nothing to explain in either direction .

utilities. It does kinda bother me that friends are financially subsidized but I pay all the household expenses. I feel a bit weird asking for money so I can go on vacation. Anyone find themselves in this situation? I could use some advice on the right thing to do

In my family, after your formal education is finished you are required to contribute financially to your parents’ housing costs should you opt to remain there. I always liked knowing what was expected of me and am sure it helped the lines of communication for my mother as well.

 

[abbyandangel]

I appreciate all your thoughtful responses and great suggestions. She and I have a lot of growing to do.

 

[Suger Mag]

do they pay for their own groceries? that was a real eye opener for my oldest in their first place. i receved a few initial phone calls of apology 'for whining and complaining when you woudnt buy certain foods i wanted-i'm sooooo sorry mom, i had no idea how expensive the stuff is'.

i have to share-

i live near and grocery shop in a college town. the most AMUSING shopping trips take place the first month or so into the new school year-every aisle or so stands a freshman (or a newly undormed/first time apartment dweller on their phone (on speaker) lamenting to their mother about the cost of food-comments like 'how was i to know that hamburger helper does'nt come with the hamberger already in it? do YOU have any idea how much hamburger costs???' (mom's calm reply-yes dear-i do). 'tuna helper requires separate tuna to buy? why am i forced to buy a dozen eggs when i only want 2, a whole container of a spice when i only need a teaspoon.......moooooooooooom. then the moms calmingly recite the mantras they've been likely saying to prepare the kids before they left-'i know, groceries are expensive but it's still less expensive than eating out. think about how much you've spent just this week on pizza and to-go food. you are on a budget so plan what you will eat around your budget, look for the sales, look online for the coupons to clip.....

for the most part.... my daughter does not, she is still very much my baby bird... my son does (he is vegetarian while the rest of us are polluted meat eaters) and is self sufficient ... Sam the boyfriend is mostly on his own... he works a lot.... but is willing to eat when I cook. I say I cook about 4 times a week an actual meal where i make enough for everyone.... salmon/rice/brocc for example, the rest are fend for yourselves. We do not eat together rather the food is there for whomever wants and the leftovers get out away. I have been cooking for multigenerational households for the last 25 years... we lived with my parents in this house and I towards the end of their run I was their caregiver until they passed. Now the next cycle is turning.....

LOL I love young adults when they fledge... the world is a hard place when you are broke

 

[Suger Mag]

How you both spend your discretionary funds is your business; nothing to explain in either direction .

In my family, after your formal education is finished you are required to contribute financially to your parents’ housing costs should you opt to remain there. I always liked knowing what was expected of me and am sure it helped the lines of communication for my mother as well.

that is my mindset as well. My daughter 23 is a full time college student and she works part time as a dance teacher and dances as well. She makes enough that she does not ask for money but we still support her living expenses (has a place to live/food) while she is in school. I get her tuition discounted as I am a college employee/professor so hoping to keep her out of loan debt for her college. The boyfriend is a new full time addition and we shall see how that goes, so far (knock on wood) it is good. He is not a moocher by nature.

My son is older (28) and working full time and finishing up the last stuff on his advanced degree. he pays a small amount (400.month) to live here but he takes care of his own food, clothes etc. I did not have this job while he was in college so sadly he has education debt, but the low rent has helped and he is aggressively paying his student loans. He is moving soon as he has to do a internship (unpaid sigh) to tick off the last hurdle on his dietitian certification and has been also saving to be able to afford that fun.

 

[tvguy]

To sell on the streets?

Clearly not since they all ended up getting moved to my house.

 

[StarCruzer]

I'm in my late 30s now. When I was a kid my parents made it clear that if moved back home, 1. I'd be responsible for my groceries/feeding myself and 2. I would be charged rent.

At the point I had to move back home (mid-20s) we had to negotiate on rent. I only paid $300/m because I was moving out of a 1 bedroom apartment, and they were unable to clear out a room for me (my childhood room was long gone). I couldn't move in any of my own furniture, nothing I owned was allowed outside of the room I rented, and the room's closet was full of their clothes.

I didn't mind paying rent but my parents had gotten quite used to me being out of the house (I'm the youngest and moved out at 19) that they certainly had no intent of making it comfortable for me to be back home. I think I lasted four months before I managed to find friend to move in with.

So the point is I suppose, have a conversation with them first.about what their plan is to be independent. And if that doesn't work, simply make it less comfortable to.be there, and they'll suddenly find a way to move out

 

[DonMacGregor]

We don’t charge our adult son rent as the room would be sitting empty anyway (along with his sister’s), but he does contribute to the household in other ways and pays all of his own expenses including health and auto insurance, that were once part of our coverage. He is an amateur gourmand and does a good amount of cooking so he pays his fair share of household meals. No gas, water, or electricity, but that wouldn’t really move the needle anyway and we’re happy to have him around (and we value that).

 

[FreckledOne]

My daughter is 14 and my husband and I already started having these types of conversations with her. We are clearly delineating our expectations/boundaries early on to make sure she doesn‘t let any bonehead ideas form in her head.

We‘ll pay for university, but the degree better have a decent ROI. Once she graduates, if she asks to come home for x amount of time for x reason, sure. Come on in, but it‘s gonna cost you.

 

[mjkacmom]

I don’t charge rent, but our kids had to take some student debt (one ha# over $100,000 so will be living here after she gets her doctorate). COVID really helped my two oldest bang out their loans living home after college (both are out now). Fortunately most of them should be making 6 figures a few years after graduating college and can live home and pay loans. We pay for phones and health insurance too, plus loan interest (right now that’s over $1000 a month).

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

I think it's funny now after reading on this thread that many replies here are from people with no children. Of course we're all entitled to our own opinions but someone who isn't a parent giving parenting advice is kind of like taking marital advice from a priest.
Everyone's a parenting expert until you actually become one.