Asking adult child to pay towards household expenses

[dpswift]

I am having similar issues with 2 of my kids. DS 22 works 2 minimum wage jobs. He had been paying a token amount twice a month until a couple months ago when 2 of his friends took advantage of him. It is now to the point I am going to ask him again.

DD 31 is now finishing her bachelors degree that she is paying for. She does all the laundry and does pay for her cell phone bill and some of the groceries. In the past she would go on vacation with me and pay a good amount towards it. Anytime I ask her for help around the house or to contribute more household money she freaks out saying too much was expected of her as a child and she needs time for herself. She owns 3 dogs. Pays for their vet care and food. We both pay for their snacks. She has been spending one night a week at her boyfriends and I thought this weekend with him being out of town she would help me sort through some things. Instead she talked on the phone with him and started emptying her storage unit. Honestly the thing that keeps me from pushing her harder at this point is that my home is good for the dogs.

 

[dpswift]

My son has a very reliable Toyota Rav 4 with 50,000 miles on it. He just wants a $70,000 jeep. Hence the rule on no new cars while saving for a house. He will put down over $200K on a house when he finds one. That will make his payment low enough where he can also afford a car payment.

If he didn’t have a reliable vehicle, I would totally pause the rule until he got one!

That would be a very bad move DD had a Cherokee that she loved. DH and I put over $3000 on it last year and she put a good amount into as well and it was still giving us problems. She bought a RAV4 because they are much more reliable. Our insurance also dropped even though the car was newer and worth more

 

[White Cat]

I am having similar issues with 2 of my kids. DS 22 works 2 minimum wage jobs. He had been paying a token amount twice a month until a couple months ago when 2 of his friends took advantage of him. It is now to the point I am going to ask him again.

DD 31 is now finishing her bachelors degree that she is paying for. She does all the laundry and does pay for her cell phone bill and some of the groceries. In the past she would go on vacation with me and pay a good amount towards it. Anytime I ask her for help around the house or to contribute more household money she freaks out saying too much was expected of her as a child and she needs time for herself. She owns 3 dogs. Pays for their vet care and food. We both pay for their snacks. She has been spending one night a week at her boyfriends and I thought this weekend with him being out of town she would help me sort through some things. Instead she talked on the phone with him and started emptying her storage unit. Honestly the thing that keeps me from pushing her harder at this point is that my home is good for the dogs.

Have you told her she’s no longer a child?

I read somewhere that this generation is 9 or 13 years, I forget, behind mine in maturity level. At 31 I was married, a homeowner, a business owner with 3 children. And that was considered normal.

 

[ronandannette]

It is a she. Maybe someone figured that out from previous posts. She has been out of school and working for 3 years. Makes a little over 70k. Her accounts are still linked to mine. She has 15k between checking, savings, and a mm account. Her cc bills are 2-3k a month and she doesn’t have any bills that I am aware of. She has some friends and a boyfriend that work minimum wage jobs. She says they pay their way but I don’t believe it and she gets defensive. I don’t want to say to her that I know she’s pissing the money away because she gets mad. My husband and I are worried she will marry this guy who still lives at home and can’t keep a job. In the meantime I feel like I’m actually the one subsidizing these other grown adults. This has been going on since she turned 18 and started working so I don’t see how I’m going to change it. It’s good to hear from people not close to the situation. I know we all give a lot for our kids. I’m tired of giving a lot for other peoples kids. Maybe if I made her pay she would have less to spend on them. This situation sucks. I don’t know that having the “your friends are your friends because you pay for their good time” will help anymore now than it did in the past. Thanks for listening.

I did pretty much force her to start fully funding a Roth last year and at least contribute enough in the 401k to get the match. Her plan doesn’t have a lot of funds to choose from. I’m not a financial expert so I’m not sure that was the best approach but at least it got the retirement ball rolling.

For a person of her age, you know WAY TOO MUCH about her personal finances, and feel the need to try and control her behaviour in this area. She's a grown woman, and having her live in your house for free is resulting in a) you still seeing her as a child you need to direct and correct; and b) her not having to experience any consequences from poor decisions. If charging her rent will cut the cord, do it - yesterday!!

But I suspect the only path to untangling both of you is for her to move out and become fully independent. By us wanting to give our kids everything we never had, we often are robbing them of the benefits we gleaned from the struggles - autonomy, good decision-making, resourcefulness and resilience. We also feel like as long as we're contributing so much, we also still have the right and responsibility to direct their behavior. In the end, I'm not sure they're actually winning.

 

[lovin'fl]

I am reading this thread because we too have a 27 year old DS living with us. He has been living on his own since he was 21. But he was last living in Miami and cost of living really ate up all his money. So he asked to move in with us to save up to buy a new car plus we are in Kissimmee where COL is better than Miami so whenever he moves back out he can afford life in Kissimmee. And even save. He has been with us since Oct. He brought a cat. We are starting to be ready for their departure. Lol.

 

[mjkacmom]

but what is that 'rent' charge inclusive of? if it includes utilities, internet, streaming or satelite television services, use of no fee laundry facilities (and laundry products), cleaning products (and someone else maintaining the bulk of routine cleaning), use of a kitchen (and all the associated kitchenware), the protection of homeowners (vs. renters) insurance, an assigned parking space....it all adds up. we've not even looked at the cost of what is likely inclusive food and beverages.

we live in what i perceive as a farily affordable rental market and there are several complexes that do shared rentals where tenants are given a dedicated bedroom w/ it's own bathroom. there is a shared kitchen/living room/ in unit no fee washer & dryer. the minimum rent (before any of the extras i mentioned above) is $800 per person/aprox $75 per person for a guaranteed assigned parking place. add in utilties and internet and you are running close to $1000 per person. add in renter's insurance and it another $30 or so per month, cleaning and laundry products up that to about $50 per person. a couple of streaming or satelite services-bump the total per month up again.

before one iota of food or beverage is purchased the person is paying around $1150 per month. $300 dollars per month for 3 meals a day, snacks, all the ingredients to make a desired dish or a contribution to game night get together with friends (very popular among the late 20's/early 30 somethings in our neck of the woods )-that's a STEAL!!!!

i think discussions of how much is reasonable to charge an adult child needs to be transparant to the extent of what is inclusive of the charge. if the goal is to teach financial responsibility then it's not doing any good if the charges are far below the actual pro-rated cost (and let's be real here-a landlord is not only charging for their pro-rated cost, they are including a profit margin and will charge a late fee if the 'tenant' overspends on eating out, funding a friend's participation in, overindulges in using the credit cards...).

One of my daughters lives in Boston, about $1100 a month for her bedroom in a 4 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment. Another lives in Clemson, about $1300 a month in a 4 bedroom 4 bathroom apartment in a beautiful complex with a pool, free fancy coffee, study rooms, in apartment laundry. My oldest son lived in several shared apartments, last one was $1000 a month during the winter is a multi million dollar home at the Jersey shore with 3 friends (house rents for $20,000 a week during the summer). Adult kids DO NOT WANT to live with parents, they’d much rather live with friends. They live with parents to save money, so charging them more than what they’d pay renting with peers is pretty much saying MOVE OUT. And that’s fine, if you really want them gone. I live in a very high COL area, there is no way someone is paying me $1400 a month to live in a small bedroom and share 1 full bath with several people, especially if they can have their own place for $2000, or share a bigger place with friends. I think my parents charged me $300 a month (and definitely didn’t need the $).

 

[White Cat]

I am reading this thread because we too have a 27 year old DS living with us. He has been living on his own since he was 21. But he was last living in Miami and cost of living really ate up all his money. So he asked to move in with us to save up to buy a new car plus we are in Kissimmee where COL is better than Miami so whenever he moves back out he can afford life in Kissimmee. And even save. He has been with us since Oct. He brought a cat. We are starting to be ready for their departure. Lol.

Wonder why he would own a cat or not give it away if he was unable to afford to live on his own. See that a lot in that age group. Doesn’t make financial sense.

 

[mjkacmom]

i will pay for whereever i need to live when i am unable to live on my own, it is however my desire to never put my children in the position of becoming my caretaker.

on this subject-while i support parents who choose to financialy support their children's expenses of college, post grad, weddings, home purchases and the like i sincerely hope that they are not short changing their own elder life expenses b/c i suspect noone wants to see their children later in life with children of their own struggling to meet those children's needs b/c they are-

meeting mom & dad's basic needs (seeing it plenty of times on the dis and in real life),

faced with the realization mom & dad have been paying for everything on credit and now are faced with being entirely destitute (seen it/known it to happen),

struggling with the decision of ending their career mid-stream to provide full time care to mom or dad b/c 24/7 care is unaffordable which essentialy derails not only THEIR ability to help their own child with minimal adult related expenses but also puts the grands eventualy in the same situation (in my early 60's and now seeing peers who should be retiring trying to play catch up for the last 10-15 years they lost in their careers which is pretty much a lost cause even if they can find a job).

there's a reason they tell people on planes to put on their own oxegyn mask first before they help others.

We didn’t cover the entire costs of college for our kids (about $800,000) because we needed to save for retirement. My husband is a CFP and we are fine with retirement planning (as were my parents and IL’s).

 

[bookgirl]

My child is 27 with a good job. Still living at home. Spends at least $500 a month eating out and likely much more. Graduated with a masters degree and no debt because we saved money and contributed to the expenses. Bought a brand new vehicle with cash. Pays for friends expenses on group trips and eating out. I am feeling priced out of Disney vacations and have started thinking that I should ask for a monthly contribution to the household expenses such as utilities. It does kinda bother me that friends are financially subsidized but I pay all the household expenses. I feel a bit weird asking for money so I can go on vacation. Anyone find themselves in this situation? I could use some advice on the right thing to do.

As an adult who shares a house with my mother, and has for the past 10 years or so, she would absolutely NEVER ask me for money. She could also cover the entire household expenses without me paying anything, but she shouldn't have to.

Do I pay, yes I do, not because she needs it but because I'm part of the household and she deserves to have discretionary money as much as I do.

Do I know that the cash I give my mom every month goes into her savings towards weekends at the casino, or vacation with her partner or just to buy something fun or frivolous, yes I do.

I reimburse her for money she pays towards household bills that she pays. I pay some shared bills automatically from my bank account and the grocery delivery is set up to my credit card so not counting that. What she does with the money after I hand it to her is her business.

 

[soccerdad72]

We're just entering this situation with our older son. He graduated in the spring and started his full time job a month ago. Now that he has an idea of what his take home income will be, we're beginning to charge him for some monthly expenses, like cell phone, car insurance and other regular expenses. He's staying on our health insurance for now, but it's not costing us any more, since we have a family plan (and one kid costs the same as two kids). So far, we're not charging him rent, as we'd rather he saved for getting his own house. But if he's still living here in another year or so, we might change our tune. He's talked about wanting to get a dog - we've told him there's no chance that's happening while he's in our house.

 

[cabanafrau]

OP, I don't say this in a spirit of judgment, rather a spirit of pointing out danger -- allowing your daughter to continue down this path is setting her up for failure. She has zero clue of the lifestyle she can afford for herself because she's been enabled never to have need to figure it out, and likely is completely unaware of the need to do so. That's a dangerous and scary position to be in.

She's missing out on opportunities for wealth building due to the fact she's not even attempting to work towards home ownership and had to be pushed into a semblance of retirement savings. Both of those are big opportunities she's completely missed the boat on with time she can't get back. Yes, she can course correct and achieve both, but the potential earnings on those for that period of time is forever gone. At the rate the economic landscape is changing and the fact the climb has become dramatically steeper those are incredibly costly mistakes.

Unfortunately she's also become accustomed to a lifestyle that she cannot sustain without outside subsidy. Course correction is going to be tantamount to someone used to eating steaks, French fries, ice cream, cookies, sodas suddenly shifting to a diet of what seems like some lettuce leaves and water. No one would welcome that change -- or be willing to stick with it. She's in for a very bumpy ride that she is very likely to have strong feelings about. Hopefully she will see the wisdom in the benefit of sacrificing today's wants for a stable and sustainable future.

 

[BrianL]

Wonder why he would own a cat or not give it away if he was unable to afford to live on his own. See that a lot in that age group. Doesn’t make financial sense.

Sometimes cats or other animals find you. It may not have been expected, but suddenly you are in love and you can't just give them away. They become part of the family. I have a cat, and while I can easily cover the associated expenese, I'll go hungry before she does!

 

[NYCgrrl]

think if you wait to buy a house, and then need a car, you're screwed. All of us homeowners know houses are money pits

Both houses and vehicles are money pits but as assets they differ.
Vehicles depreciate the minute they leave the lot while despite having to repair and replace items within the house it steadily increases in value.

Depending on where you live, both a place to live and a manner of getting there are important. A private vehicle isn’t necessary where I live for instance but access to public transportation is. Just requires a priority switch.

Somewhat on topic, posters keep writing how expensive it is to rent an apartment but I wonder if that old adage is still holds: One weeks salary should equal a month’s rent? What percentage of monthly income is dedicated to housing costs, whether renting or owning?

 

[soccerdad72]

Somewhat on topic, posters keep writing how expensive it is to rent an apartment but I wonder if that old adage is still holds: One weeks salary should equal a month’s rent? What percentage of monthly income is dedicated to housing costs, whether renting or owning?

30% used to be the rule of thumb, but there's too many variables involved for that to work as a 'one size fits all' approach:

https://www.earnest.com/blog/rent-and-the-30-percent-rule/

 

[texaslover]

I had the same dilemma with my son. He graduated college during all the Covid nonsense and came home. He was 22, about to turn 23. He drove DoorDash and was looking for a full time job, which he got a few months later. All the training, work, etc was from home over Zoom so he was in the house full time. We talked about him moving out and he was looking at options (roommate, 1 BR, rent a house, etc.). Our expectation had always been that he be making moves to find his own place after getting a full time job.

We were not charging rent but he did take over his cell phone and car insurance payments. After a few months of no action we gave him a deadline date of end of July to make a decision on where to live. He took it down to the wire but ultimately found a roommate and they rented a 2 BR. He's 26 now and still in the same apt, about to make a move to renting a house with a few other buddies.

One thing we were careful to do is not make it too comfortable for him. He didn't come and go as he pleased and come in all hours of the night. He had his regular curfew. We live in a small house so there was no place for him to bring in friends/girls and hang out. I reminded him to clean his bathroom, room, dishes, etc. We had a few months of him being salty and distant but I just continued to communicate and did some little things for him and his roommate like stock their fridge and buy them a kitchen table and we got back to our normal great relationship. And his mental health, motivation, etc. skyrocketed. It was a good decision but hard in the moment.

 

[sheilafri]

I don’t think you should feel guilty for asking for a contribution toward household expenses, especially if it is impacting your quality of life. Why should you be making sacrifices for strangers? ( Child paying for friends on vacation or when eating out.)

If you just can’t bring yourself to ask, at least have them save a certain amount each month toward future expenses such as rent and utility deposits. Have them build an emergency fund of six months income so if they lose their job it doesn’t become your problem.

 

[CAPSLOCK]

Wonder why he would own a cat or not give it away if he was unable to afford to live on his own. See that a lot in that age group. Doesn’t make financial sense.

Do you legitimately think that the cost to care for a cat is comparable to the cost of rent/living expenses? And that the first step for someone who is having housing difficulty should be to just "give away" their family member (who he has likely had for years)? Shelters are overflowing with adult cats, not all of them find homes. People "in that age group" taking responsibility for their pets is a good thing!

 

[White Cat]

Do you legitimately think that the cost to care for a cat is comparable to the cost of rent/living expenses? And that the first step for someone who is having housing difficulty should be to just "give away" their family member (who he has likely had for years)? Shelters are overflowing with adult cats, not all of them find homes. People "in that age group" taking responsibility for their pets is a good thing!

Sounds like this person had no business getting a pet. Having a cat or dog can be expensive. If you think someone just starting out with no money and renting makes financial sense. Good for you. And people in that age group just starting with no money should not have that responsibility. It shows that there may have been and probably are other poor financial choices.

 

[CAPSLOCK]

Since he had been living alone for 5+ years, neither of us know what his financial circumstances were when he got the cat. Nor where the cat came from (ie, whether he sought out a pet or just ended up with a cat). Or is it your position that renters shouldn't have pets?

 

[DisneyHardin]

Sounds like this person had no business getting a pet. Having a cat or dog can be expensive. If you think someone just starting out with no money and renting makes financial sense. Good for you. And people in that age group just starting with no money should not have that responsibility. It shows that there may have been and probably are other poor financial choices.

It also can be very lonely when you are first starting out, living on your own and a pet can be a lifesaver. Of course, there can always be unexpected vet bills, but just maintenance of a cat is like $25/month - I doubt having the cat is what caused him to not be able to afford to live in Miami anymore.